Archive for March, 2021

12
Mar
21

Equalizer 2000

Date Watched: 03/11/2021

Starring: Richard Norton, Robert Patrick

Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.

Rules

  • Sporting equipment used as armor
  • Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
  • Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
  • “Sand Chopper”
  • “The Ownership”
  • Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
  • Flamethrowers

Quotes

  • I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
  • We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
  • You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!

Viewer Quotes

  • I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
  • There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
  • Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
  • Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
  • Who is it that he hates, and why?
  • Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!

Things We Learned

  • In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
  • Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
  • Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.

Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.

05
Mar
21

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Amazon.com: Kirbis Sharknado 5 Global Swarming Movie Poster 18 x 28 Inches:  Posters & Prints

Viewing Date: 2/25/21

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos

Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Cameos
  • “Sharknado”
  • Movie references / gags
  • Riding sharks
  • Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark

Quotes

  • “I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
  • “You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)

What We Learned

  • The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
  • Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
  • The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
  • Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel

Final Take

Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?




March 2021
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