Archive for the 'Elite' Category

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

14
Mar
14

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection

birdemic-2-poster-692x1024 (1)

Date Watched: 3/13/2014

Starring:  A bunch of shitty actors

Plot

A platoon of eagles and vultures attack Hollywood, California. Why did the eagles and vultures attack? Who will survive?

Rules

  • “Hollywood”
  • Anything blurred out.
  • Stupid music playing (better fill your drink up for this one)
  • Fake birds
  • Punching or jump-kicking birds
  • Exploding birds
  • Checking if people are dead, or declaring that people are dead
  • Mentioning Half Moon Bay

Quotes

“Help!  Please help me  Something stung me!”  “What stung you?” “A giant, jumbo jellyfish.”

“I wish Susan could have been here to see this bird skeleton.  But she got a disease from this fish that Ron cooked.”

“La Brea means the ‘the tar’ in English.”

“I’ve already checked.  Everyone is dead.”  “So have I.  There’s no one left.”

“The birds don’t attack us.  Probably because we live a green, non-emitting lifestyle.”

“There’s a hotel up there.  Maybe they have some gas.”

Viewer Quotes

“They’re both wearing red.  Is that weird?”

“There is clearly some chemistry.  Or that guy is gay.”

“Nothing can save a movie like cavemen.”

What We Learned

James Nguyen is the master of Romantic Thrillers

Star light, star  bright.  Gonna party tonight.

Global warming causes birds to attack (we learned this in Birdemic 1, but this was reaffirmed)

When cavemen rise from the dead, they’re still cavemen.  When people who have recently died rise from the dead, they’re zombies.

Inexplicably, globally warming causes things to rise from the dead and go on murderous rampages

Birds explode like water balloons- and kill you

Final Take

Terrible acting but entertaining.  It was blatantly obvious that they tried to capture the “magic” of the first film, but the bad acting, editing, and sound seemed particularly forced.  But, really it didn’t stop this movie from accomplishing what it tried- to be horrible and still entertaining.

01
Jun
12

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

 

Viewing Date: April 2012

Starring: No one of note

Summary:

Tucker & Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are attacked by a group of preppy college kids.

Rules:

  • Banjos / banjo music
  • Drinking
  • Chewing tobacco
  • Deaths

Quotes:

“It was really dark, but one of the guys looked like he was eating her face off!”

“It’s been a doozy of a day!”

“Oh my God! They cut off his bowling fingers!”

23
May
12

Hobo With A Shotgun

Image

Starring

Rutger Hauer!!! (and a shotgun)

Plot

The name says it all.  A hobo uses a shotgun to rid the world of those filthier than himself.  One of the best and most quotable Thursday movies.  Don’t plan on being very productive the next day if you’re following the advanced rules.

Rules

  • “Hobo”
  • Cocking the shotgun
  • Hobo cliches
  • Hobo weapon upgrade
  • References to bears

Quotes

  • “Let it slide.” – “The only thing I’m going to let slide is my dick in your pussy!”
  • “How many people have you killed?” – “What am I, a mathematician?”
  • “I’m going to sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight.”
  • “When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat out of razor blades.”
  • “She’s so hot, I’d eat the peanuts out of her shit!”
  • “Don’t shoot my dick off!  I got too much fucking left to do!”
  • “You can’t solve all the world’s problems with a shotgun.” – “It’s all I know.”
  • “Maybe you’ll end up like me, a hobo with a shotgun.”
  • “Get your hands off me, demons!  You’re crushing my smokes!”
  • “You and me are going on a car ride to hell.  You’re riding shotgun.”



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