Archive for December, 2014

31
Dec
14

In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job aka The Last Mission (2014)

In the Name of the King 3

Viewing Date:  11/6/14

Plot:

A modern-day assassin, wanting out, is hired for one final job – to kidnap the kids of a local businessman. Things go haywire when it turns out he’s chosen to return to the Middle Ages and bring back order to a kingdom in chaos.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Bad European child acting

Dragon sightings

People say “dragons”

Fish out of water gags

Every time they mention “the marking”

Anachronisms

Quotes:

“He has the marking.  No one should have the marking.  Where did you get this marking?”

“Now, go on horse.”

“We have brought a stranger.”

“That’s my chair.  Your chair is over there.”

“He speaks like a coward…”  “I bid you adieu.”

“Things change… but people like you never do.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is this the transporter?”

“Look, the Shaman is making a BBQ rub.”

“I have no emotional investment in this movie whatsoever.”

“That was the movie?”

Things We Learned:

-When you align a European child’s talisman with a hit man’s forearm tattoo, a wormhole opens, and you travel to another dimension with dragons.

-Dragons can eat bullets from handguns.

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31
Dec
14

Treasure Raiders (2007)

Treasure Raiders

Viewing Date: 9/11/14

Plot:

An American professor (Brand) teams up with a Russian biker (Nevsky) to search for historical treasures buried in and around Moscow.  (From IMDB)

Starring: David Carradine and Sherilyn Fenn

Rules:

Say “Professor”

Guitar riffs

Rip-offs from other movies

Cars jumping

Cliché Russian names

Say “Wolf”

Quotes:

“I’ve got a hobby that pays a little more.”

“We do not need a new champion.”

“A lot of racers talk the talk, but you my friend talk the talk.”

“I dumped the cocaine in the Moscow river.”

“I want ze money and ze cocaine back!!!”

“Don’t worry baby, you’re safe now.”

“I’m glad our relatives didn’t have any curses.”

Viewer Quotes:

“There’s nothing I like better than non-nude dance clubs.”

“Can committing another crime really be your alibi?”

Things we learned:

-You can leave a street race to go steal money from a drug deal and come back without missing a beat.

-A biography written by a person about that same person can still be considered a biography.

19
Dec
14

Saint Nick aka Saint aka Sint (2010)

Sint

Viewing Date: 12/18/14

Plot:

St. Nicholas is a murderous bishop who kidnaps and murders children when there is a full moon on December 5th.

Starring: N/A

Rules:

Say “Saint Nick” or “Saint Nicolaus”

Mention December 5th

Dutch Christmas things

Being killed by a ghost ship

Quotes :

“You’re just as much of a bitch as you are a best friend.”

“What, did his dick freeze to the light post or something?”

“Those Black Pete’s (guys in black face), what did they look like?”… “One looked like 50 Cent and the other looked like Will Smith.”

“Jesus, that’s dangerous man!”

“I’ve got a present for you.  I’ll do the unwrapping.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Two flashbacks to start a movie is not a good sign.”

Things We Learned:

-In Amsterdam it’s normal to not only receive gifts in class in high school, but to receive dildos as those gifts.  The teachers think nothing of it.

-Saint Nicolaus comes from Spain with a boat full of toys.

-In Amsterdam it’s a Christmas tradition to dress up in black face.

-Hot girls in Amsterdam are not actually hot.

-You can kill Saint Nick by blowing up his boat at midnight.

-Any children killed are just collateral damage in the war with Saint Nick.

-Saint Nick has an army of deadly Black Petes (guys in black face).

Final Take:

It wasn’t bad.  It could have been a lot more though.  We feel more cultured watching a foreign terrible Christmas movie.  It’s like a bad foreign version of Silent Night Deadly Night.  I would definitely recommend this for those looking for a Holiday terrible movie, but that would be about it.

12
Dec
14

Sharknado 2: The Second One

sharknado2

Viewing Date: Dec 11, 2014

Plot: A freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a Sharknado on the population and its most cherished, iconic sites – and only Fin and April can save the Big Apple.

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Kelly Osborne, Mark McGrath, Vivica A. Fox, Andy Dick, Kari Wuhrer

Rules

  • Sharknado
  • D-List celebrities getting killed.
  • “209”
  • “Shark”
  • A shark eats someones limb / head
  • “Finn”

Quotes

  • “You should be eating fresh, you know.” – Jared Fogel
  • “Take my hand, I’m going to save you.”
  • “Frogger.”
  • “You know what you just did, didn’t you?”  “Don’t say it.”  “Jumped the shark.”
  • “Even the sharknados are tougher in New York.”
  • “…shark falling rates of two inches per hour…”
  • “Let’s go show them what it means to be a hero.  Let’s go show them what it means to be a New Yorker.  Let’s go kill some sharks!!”
  • “Not going to need this again.” (as he tosses aside her previously eaten / severed arm)

Viewer Quotes

  • “Tara Reid has old person neck!”
  • “They’ve run on ‘a-head’ of the Statue of Liberty tumbling head.”
  • “He knows exactly what’s going on.”  “He’s a surfer, after all.”
  • “I wish there was more Andy Dick in this movie.”

What We Learned

  • Giant crocodiles live in the NY Subways (well, we know that from urban legends).
  • Sharknado 2 was brought to you by Coors Light and Subway
  • D-Listers come out in droves for Sharnado.”
  • Sharks can stay alive airborne in a sharknado for days at a time, and they don’t digest arms / guns that they
05
Dec
14

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

HanselAndGretel

Date Watched: 12/4/14

Starring: Famke, Renner, and Gemma.

Plot

Hansel & Gretel are bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.

Rules

  • “Hansel” or “Gretel”
  • See new Witch (advanced)
  • Gun slung over shoulder
  • “Blood Moon”

Quotes

  • “There’s no use in praying, my friend.  Even your God knows better than to come here.”
  • “Then again, we hunt witches for a living.  What’s normal?”
  • “The only good witch is a dead witch.”
  • “The last time I was in water like this, I was after a formidable serpent witch.  She could breath under water, which make her difficult to track, but she also looked like a toad.”
  • “The house of Adriana, your whore of a mother.”
  • “Whatever you do, don’t eat the fucking candy.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “They’re playing quidditch.  And one of them’s after the snatch!”
  • Troll gets white fungus out of waterfall – “A little lubricant?”
  • “Drink one for the midget witch with no legs.”
  • “Ninja siamese witches – that’s the worst kind!”
  • “He just smacked her ugly.”

What We Learned

  • Witches magic doesn’t work on Hansel or Gretel
  • Witches give people diabetes
  • Witches are susceptible to medieval tazers.
  • Witches are easier to kill when they’re in groups of 100.
  • There are midget legless witches and siamese ninja witches

Final Take

Could have been worse.  It exceeded the expectations.  The gratuitous violence definitely made the movie.  That and the siamese ninja witches and midget with no legs. That’s movie gold.