Archive for the 'Creepy Kids' Category

03
Feb
17

The Babadook

the-babadook-poster

Viewing Date: 2/22017

Starring: Essie Davis, Noah Wiseman, Hayley McElhinney

Plot: Amelia, who lost her husband in a car crash on the way to give birth to Samuel, their only child, struggles to cope with her fate as a single mom. Samuel’s constant fear of monsters and violent reaction to overcome the fear doesn’t help her cause either, which makes her friends become distant. When things can not get any worse, they read a strange book in their house about the ‘Babadook’ monster that hides in the dark areas of their house. Even Amelia seems to feel the effect of Babadook and desperately tries in vain to destroy the book. The nightmarish experiences the two encounter form the rest of the story.

Rules

  • Someone says “Babadook”
  • Samuel acts like a brat
  • Use of vibrators
  • Samuel fires a weapon
  • Dream sequence
  • The Babadook Book appears

Quotes

“I’m really tired from the drugs Mum gave me.”

“I’m sorry Mummy I’m just really hungry.”  “If you’re so hungry why don’t you go EAT SHIT!”

“My cousin’s not coming because I broke her nose in two places.”

Viewer Quotes

“Nice trick, but can he make the dog come back to life?”

What We Learned

  • Being haunted by an evil spirit is only marginally worse that having a bratty 6 year old.
  • All an evil spirit is really looking for is a bowl of worms each day.
  • You can make an evil spirit go away by yelling at it.
  • The small dog always gets it in horror movies (we already knew this, honestly)

Final Take

The Babadook had some nice suspense and did well with the “less is more” approach early on, but the third act really fell flat and it was as if the filmmakers weren’t sure how to resolve the conflict with the evil spirit (which was never explained  other than a book appeared that led to a haunting-somehow connected to the accident that killed the father).  Not terrible, but it could have been much better with a resolution that felt even a little satisfying.

 

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29
Jan
16

Pay The Ghost (2015)

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Viewing Date: 1/28/16

Summary:  One year after his young son disappeared during a Halloween carnival, Mike Cole is haunted by eerie images and terrifying messages he can’t explain. Together with his estranged wife, he will stop at nothing to unravel the mystery and find their son – and, in doing so, he unearths a legend that refuses to remain buried in the past. Via RottenTomatoes

Starring: Nic Cage

Rules

  • The vulture
  • “Pay the Ghost” (standing house rule when title is spoken in movie)
  • Jump scares
  • Advanced Rule: “Charlie”

Quotes

  • “Pay the ghost.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He should have to kidnap a kid to replace his son and ‘pay the ghost.'”

What We Learned

  • Never take your child to a festival on Halloween.

Final Take

17
Jan
14

Amazons and Gladiators

Image

Date Watched: 1/16/2014

Starring: Patrick Bergin, Dick Norton, Nichole Hiltz

Plot

The worst child actor ever grows up to become an amazon whose assets allow her to carry a movie despite the stilted dialog and awful fight sequences.  At some point she remembers that a Roman general killed her mom and is compelled to seek her revenge.

Rules

  • Anachronistic crap
  • “Amazon”
  • “Crassius”
  • Armor boobs
  • Terrible Acting <advanced rule>
  • Gladiator combat
  • “Zenobia”

Quotes

  • “Keep your eyes soft”
  • “Slow down.  You’re going to lose your precision.”
  • “You fought well today.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  You deserve some pampering.”
  • “Yes, get rid of her.  She annoys me.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This child actor is terrible.  I wouldn’t watch her in community theater!”
  • “That guy’s got a toga boner.”
  • “I like the armor suit boobs.”
  • “She’s going to put her on her back and carry her in.”
  • “Do they migrate around?  Is that why they live in such a shanty village?”
  • “Ewww.  This is excruciating . I’m getting the nasty tingles.  Like I’m watching something wrong.
  • “She’s on tire tracks!”
  • “This is ridiculous.  This guy couldn’t be any more evil.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a secret camp of amazons outside Rome.
  • Amazons have custom made boob armor.
  • Romans have British, Australian, and American accents.
  • Hourglasses were used in Ancient rome to time gladiatorial matches

Final take

This movie started out pretty unwatchable.  The child actor playing the young lead is so painful to watch that I mostly couldn’t look at the screen.  But then she grows up and becomes much easier to look at.  That pretty much saved the movie.  Barely.  It’s not great.  The dialog is awkward.  The fight scenes are pretty terrible, and the main villain has some kind of facial tick that ends up coming off as pretty distracting.  To top it off there’s a weird sex scene between the main actress (age 22), and a 55 year old man.  Gross.  To sum up, all 55 year old men will like this movie.  Most others should probably think twice.

20
Sep
13

The Plague

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Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

17
Jan
13

The Wicker Man

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Viewing Date: 1/10/2013

Starring: Nic Cage

Plot:

Nic Cage stars as a detective / highway patrolman who receives a letter from his ex-fiancée asking for help in locating her missing daughter on some island in the Puget Sound.  Nic heads straight there to unravel the mystery, and discovers that he is dealing with a Matriarchal, bee-loving cult that performs human sacrifices.

Rules:

  • Nic Cage in a costume
  • Bees (real, CGI or a picture of a bee)
  • Nic Cage’s mind plays tricks on him
  • Someone or something gets hit by a truck
  • Say “Willow”
  • Say “Summer’s Isle”
  • Nic Cage punches or kicks someone
  • Nic Cage acts crazy (advanced rule, since this could describe him the entire movie)

Quotes:

“What do you have in the bag?  A shark?”

“Was Rowan depressed?  Have you seen what she’s drawn under her desk?  Its pretty disturbing.”

“Take your stupid mask.”

“Step away from the bike!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Why do they all have blue eyes?”  “Because…  The Wicker Man.”

“Do they have electricity?”  “I don’t think so.  They’re pretty Amish.”

“Freeway Patrol.”

“I think you dodged a bullet here, Nicolas Cage.”

What We Learned:

There are cults living on islands in the Puget Sound, and they are out of the reach of all law and government.

There are underwater pools under graveyards.

Everyone was in on it!  Shocking!

Final Take:

What a disappointment.  For a movie that ranks as one of the worst of all time, it was indeed that terrible, but not in a good way.  More in a more-plot-holes-than-you-can-count, nonsensical way (don’t try to make sense of the “twist” ending unless you want to give yourself a headache).  On the plus side, Nic Cage acts like a complete maniac the entire movie, has some absurd dialogue and really goes off the deep end at the finish (“Oh no!  Not the Bees!”).  For a movie that is supposed to be creepy, it wasn’t, other than the stereotypical creepy blonde kids- and had nothing in the way of scares either.   The movie benefited from some decent drinking rules, but we often lost interest in what was actually happening until the last 15 minutes or so, when things got extremely ridiculous.  Our advice, avoid The Wicker Man, but if you happen to catch the end of the movie, it is worth watching just for some of the craziest Nic Cage ever captured on film.

29
Nov
12

Mr. Nanny

Date Watched:

9/20/12

Plot:

A former pro-wrestler is hired to be the bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids whose inventor father is being stalked by a rival. (From IMDB)

Year:

1993

Starring:

Hulk Hogan

Sherman Helmsley

Buster Poindexter

Rules:

Shirt ripping.

Flexing.

Wrestling moves.

Kids outsmarting Hulk Hogan.

Booby traps.

Canadian Tuxedos (aka wearing a jean jacket and jeans).

Every time they play the song “Dream Dad”.

Quotes:

“I’m not a bodyguard, I’m a wrestler.”

“This is like the roach motel, the nannies check in but they don’t check out.”

“Oops!  Trip wire… and flour.”

“Business before pleasure.” – said as the bad guys cart Hulk Hogan’s unconscious body in a tutu away.  Viewer Quote in response, “Does that mean they’re going to rape him?”

“There is no chip in there dork brain.”

Viewer Quotes:

For some reason we didn’t record any.  I do remember talking about the God-Awful soundtrack.  Buster Poindexter has a song on it still burned into my brain called “Tough Stuff”.  Paired with “Dream Dad” the soundtrack is a must own.

Things we learned:

Buster Poindexter kicks Hulk Hogan’s ass.

Hulk Hogan knows the dictionary definition of a microchip.

A wallet can electrocute people.

05
Oct
12

The Gate

Plot:

Three young children accidentally release a horde of nasty, pint-sized demons from a hole in a suburban backyard. What follows is a classic battle between good and evil as the three kids struggle to overcome a nightmarish hell that is literally taking over the Earth.

Rules:

  • “Glen”, “Al”, or “Terry”
  • Creatures from Hell
  • Feathered hair or flat tops

Quotes:

  • “Hey, somebody get this dog a beer!”
  • “Hey, you want to come over later and mess around?”
  • [Driving with a dead dog] “Whoa, no vacancies dude!”
  • “What are you doing?  Probably fagging off.”
  • “We have to go to the hole and do it right.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That jean jacket sucks”
  • “Perfect time for the backdoor…”
  • “This is what scared me as a kid.”
  • “Just when you thought they were out of the woods, a dead body falls out of the wall.”
  • “Someone should stab demon Terry in the eye.”
  • “The only thing this monster does is put eyeballs in your hand.”

What We Learned:

  • A model rocket can kill a demon.
  • Some combination of geodes, heavy metal, and a dog sacrifice will open hell on earth.
  • Little demons form a zombie called the working man.
  • Demons can somehow put an eye in your hand.