17
Jan
14

Amazons and Gladiators

Image

Date Watched: 1/16/2014

Starring: Patrick Bergin, Dick Norton, Nichole Hiltz

Plot

The worst child actor ever grows up to become an amazon whose assets allow her to carry a movie despite the stilted dialog and awful fight sequences.  At some point she remembers that a Roman general killed her mom and is compelled to seek her revenge.

Rules

  • Anachronistic crap
  • “Amazon”
  • “Crassius”
  • Armor boobs
  • Terrible Acting <advanced rule>
  • Gladiator combat
  • “Zenobia”

Quotes

  • “Keep your eyes soft”
  • “Slow down.  You’re going to lose your precision.”
  • “You fought well today.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  You deserve some pampering.”
  • “Yes, get rid of her.  She annoys me.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This child actor is terrible.  I wouldn’t watch her in community theater!”
  • “That guy’s got a toga boner.”
  • “I like the armor suit boobs.”
  • “She’s going to put her on her back and carry her in.”
  • “Do they migrate around?  Is that why they live in such a shanty village?”
  • “Ewww.  This is excruciating . I’m getting the nasty tingles.  Like I’m watching something wrong.
  • “She’s on tire tracks!”
  • “This is ridiculous.  This guy couldn’t be any more evil.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a secret camp of amazons outside Rome.
  • Amazons have custom made boob armor.
  • Romans have British, Australian, and American accents.
  • Hourglasses were used in Ancient rome to time gladiatorial matches

Final take

This movie started out pretty unwatchable.  The child actor playing the young lead is so painful to watch that I mostly couldn’t look at the screen.  But then she grows up and becomes much easier to look at.  That pretty much saved the movie.  Barely.  It’s not great.  The dialog is awkward.  The fight scenes are pretty terrible, and the main villain has some kind of facial tick that ends up coming off as pretty distracting.  To top it off there’s a weird sex scene between the main actress (age 22), and a 55 year old man.  Gross.  To sum up, all 55 year old men will like this movie.  Most others should probably think twice.

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