Archive for the 'In Space' Category

04
Jun
20

Space Mutiny (1988)

Space Mutiny (1988) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 6/4/20

Starring: Reb Brown, John Phillip Law

Plot

In the distant future in deep space, the large colony spaceship Southern Sun travels through the galaxy. On board, the evil Kalgan (John Philip Law) and his men take control of the ship through a violent and explosive mutiny. Kalgan’s plan is to scrap the ship and sell the passengers into slavery. One man, (Reb Brown) decides to make a stand and encourages others to fight against Kalgan’s rebels. Armed with laser cannons and neutron grenades, he leads the Commander’s daughter and a handful of soldiers into a blasting battle to re-take the ship. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Recycled Battlestar Galactica footage
  • Enforcer vehicles
  • Someone says ‘Enforcer’
  • Evil laughs

Quotes

  • “I prefer to jump!”  “Be my guest.”
  • I’ve got a 6-9’er in progress!”

What We Learned

  • In space, if you wear red, you’re a bad guy, blue means you’re a good guy
  • Similarly, a paintball mask means you’re a bad soldier.
  • Rocket gun explosions cause you to be launched off a trampoline
  • Jazzercize outfits are standard issue during a Space Mutiny, and parties involve hula hooping
  • Rooms with AstroTurf are made for sexy time

Final Take

This movie has gained fame as being one of the more popular features on  Mystery Science Theater 300, for good reason.  It has laughable acting, writing, special effects and wardrobes.  If it wasn’t for the ‘borrowed’ space sequences at the beginning, this could have been taking place just about anywhere.  Practically all action scenes were filmed in some dark warehouse, with the highlights involving low speed chases on the ‘Enforcers’ (golf carts covered in cardboard.  Definitely worth checking out- it lived up to the spirit of Bad Movie Thursday!

 

23
Jan
15

Dark Space

darkspace

Viewing Date: 1/22/15

StarringAlana Dietze, Steve West, Tonya Kay

Plot: When their shuttle is damaged on the way to Centari Five, six friends are forced to crash land on the surface of a mysterious alien planet. Stranded with little hope of rescue, it soon becomes clear that they are not alone. Hunted by the planet’s ferocious inhabitants and targeted by heavily-armed forces, they will have to struggle just to survive.

Rules:

  • “Shelly”
  • Groan-worthy moments
  • Creature vision (house rule, but it happens all the time in this one)
  • They show an alien’s legs walking or close up of its face

Quotes:

  • “If you’re wondering why my hands feel so strong, it’s because they are.”
  • “i’ll bet you 50 credits he doesn’t weld that gap before the trip’s over.””

Viewer Quotes

  • “It moves at the speed of lightning, but only when your back is turned.”
  • “I’d solder that alien’s face closed right now.” – “I’d solder it’s neck open.”

What We Learned

  • Make sure to wear seat belts during re-entry from space.
  • In the future, you can rent space crafts.
  • Alien worlds look just like earth, with the same flora, but quite different fauna
22
Aug
14

Creature (1985)

creature

Starring: Francine Smith (American Dad), Ferris Bueller’s dad

Date Watched: 8/21/14

Plot:   A crew of scientists arrives on a far, cold planet to examine archaic artifacts of unknown origin. They discover that their German enemies already have a ship there. When they seek their help after a failed landing, they only find the Germans’ bodies, obviously slaughtered by one of the archaic creatures, awoken to new life. Now the alien is after them.

Rules

  • People on headphones
  • Old-school computer screens
  • Star Wars and/or Alien rip-offs
  • Stuff that is just WAY too 80’s (hair, lingo, technology, etc)
  • Aliens take control of a person

Quotes

  • “It looks like some sort of container or something.”
  • “Let’s go back on my space craft. I’ve got bombs there. We’ll blow it all to hell.”
  • “Like mind control?” “Except they replace the brain.” “Yeah, and we’re next on the menu.”
  • “Why were you away so long?” “I got lost…”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is the most 80’s movie ever.”
  • “Whoa! He’s got a space-suit wedgie!”
  • “How come some people are reanimated to look like normal people, and some people are just dead?”
  • “This guy has a walkman and a track suit.  He couldn’t look any more 80’s.”
  • “So that thing just eats bodies and bites heads off?”

What We Learned

  • Never, EVER split up. 
  • Germany split into East and West Germany (again) in the future
  • Polaroid cameras were the apex of technology
  • People in space also wear nametags
  • Never assume an alien is dead. 

Final Take

  • A low budget, slow alien movie. Could have used more boobs (only one pair).
11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.

22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.

29
Jan
13

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

Fortress 2

Date Watched:  1/17/2013

Starring:  Christopher Lambert & Pam Grier

Plot: 

7 years after the original Fortress movie, Brennick and his family are still on the run from the Men-tel corporation. A group of rebels attempt to gain his support but he refuses, wanting to focus on his family. A raid follows and Brennick along with the rebels are captured and sent to a new, more sophisticated fortress prison in outer space. But Brennick’s not a man to give in easily, and with a 10 year old son waiting for him back on earth, he’s going to pack some serious assault on the evil corporation.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Stupid accents.

Saying or doing implantations.

Scanning bar codes.

Mannish woman acting like a man.

Say Fortress.

Say or show Men-tel.

Quotes:

“So, we killed anybody since I left?”

“Nobody likes a smart guy Brennick.”  Response:  “You must be very popular then.”

“Put him in the hole.”

“Those Russians will cut out your heart just to see the look on your face.”

“Girl, I could build a radio station out of a milk carton and two condom wrappers.”

“I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that myself.”

Viewer Quotes:

“He almost shot his kid in the head with a shotgun.”

“Is this movie called Fortress 2 Colon Re-Entry?”

About a woman: “Who’s that dude.”

“Let’s drink for the mannish woman dying.”

“I hate his accent.”

“Where do they get puddles of water in space?”

“They’re tapping into a cockroaches nervous system?”

“They sure do take a lot of showers in space.”

“What are all of those cuts on his face, are there cats flying by him?”

What we learned:

It’s really easy to escape from a prison space station.  You just need a giant empty crate that they happen to be loading and a stick of gum.  You stick the gum on the crate (not sure why exactly), jump in, and voila, you escape!

If that plan backfires, you just need to find a cockroach, attach a video camera to his back, and tap into his nervous system.  He’ll do the rest and navigate directly where you’d want him to go for your escape plan.

In space, people are very open to coed community showers as evidenced here and in Starship Troopers.  I wonder at what point in the future this becomes a reality.

The way to win over Russian prisoners who originally wanted to kill you is to play chess with them.  They use the chess pieces to exchange secret messages.  Show them that you’re onto their code, and they will instantly become your allies.

Final Take:

This is a completely passable B movie.  It requires no thinking and little engagement on your part.  (Christopher Lambert must have been thinking the same thing as he was acting out his lines.)  You will watch this movie and not remember a thing about it the next day, but know that you had a decent time watching it.  I’m somewhat interested in watching the original Fortress since we watched the sequel, but I would make absolutely no attempt to actually seek it out.  (For example, if I was reasonably intoxicated and unable to move and it came on TV, I wouldn’t intentionally make myself pass out to keep from watching it.)

On IMDB there is a quote from someone saying that they are a “massive Lambert fan”, and they were let down by the film.  I’m guessing the average person will look at Lambert’s past body of work and a movie subtitled “Re-Entry” and not have quite the same expectations.  For those looking for a crappy movie to share some drinks and some laughs over, this won’t let you down.

04
Jan
13

Iron Sky

IronSky

Starring Finnish Germans

Date Watched 1/3/2o13 (we survived!)

Plot

Nazis secretly made their way to the moon, where they have been hiding out, biding their time.

Rules

  • Nazi cliches.
  • Nazis’ racist statements.
  • Palin’s stupid remarks.
  • “Furhrer”
  • “Fourth Reich”
  • “Adler”

Quotes

  • “Hey, Sauerkraut.  I like Sauerkraut!  And Volkswagen.  Fahrfegnugen!”
  • “I received confirmation from the department of racial purity…Science demands us to unite physically.”
  • “Either I’m black or you’re blind.”
  • “Do I look alright to you Ms Crazy Fucking nazi?”
  • “So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo, after spending a weekend on the moon.  Is that correct?”
  • “Listen. Do you think if I asphyxiate the president, will the troops then align with us?”
  • “Get your hooks off me you kristallnacht piece of shit!”
  • “He fell for the old one last blowjob offer!  God, nazis are stupid.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Most of the quotable quotes are racist or in very poor taste.  Is it still ok to record them?”
  • “I think by the end of the movie they’re going to make us think of the nazis as the good guys somehow.”
  • “I have to tell the wife she missed three ‘fuhrers’ and a nazi racist quote.”
  • “Oh look, they have space zeppelins!”
  • “Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”
  • “Why doesn’t she just turn it?  She’s at the wheel!”

What We Learned

  • The germans reinvented USB while isolated on the moon, and happen to call it the same thing.
  • Medicine called Albiniser transforms black into white.
  • Nazis are doctors for the sick, vitamins for the anemic, and products of loving mothers and brave fathers.
  • Palin’s message comes from moon nazis.  Remember this, world!  Palin = Hitler!
  • To sneak past nazis, start up their battle hymn.
  • De-albiniser transforms white into black.

Final Take

Pretty high production values for a BMT movie, but still pretty campy. Not too shabby.  It was enjoyable, but difficult to come up with good rules.  I’d definitely recommend it but you should know that you’ll be getting a lot of anti-american political satire.  If you can get past that you’ll find a pretty decent b+ grade movie.

20
Dec
12

Lethal Target

lethal target

Viewing Date: 12/13/2012

Starring:  CC Costigan (who?  Exactly.)

Plot:  This felt like (and probably is) a movie in regular rotation on late night Cinemax.  It had a nonsensical plot about a disgraced cop in an all-women’s prison on some planet colony who is recruited to infiltrate a ship that poses some sort of alien threat.  Is this the best course of action to save humanity from an alien invasion?  How does CC get transported to said ship?  Why is the captain of the ship infecting people with some alien virus through scratches?  Who cares.  There is a decent amount of T&A and blatant Alien rip-off moments thrown in.

Rules

  • CC (Nikki) rolls her eyes.
  • “Marshall”
  • Technology from the 90’s is used on the spaceship.l
  • “The Company”

Quotes

  • “I’m your fairy Godmother.” “Where’s your magic wand?”
  • “Great.  I’m a space slut.”
  • “Joe Biden is in the Marshall’s quarters.” (we may have heard this incorrectly)

Viewer Quotes

  • “Look.  He’s got a badge that says ‘penal’!”
  • “They wear Earth camouflage in space?”
  • “Did he say hymen distance?” (actual dialogue was “time and distance”)
  • “I think they are making an alien species where the men die when they blow their wad.”
  • “I can see some of this DNA is missing.  Right here.”

Things we learned

  • Alien STD’s are transmitted by scratching.
  • This movie was a rip off Alien.
  • The movie would have been much better if it took place entirely on the prison world.
  • Non-Monogamous Tantracism is a religion.
  • Early 90’s technology is in widespread use in space ships.

Final Take

An entertaining low budget Sci Fi movie with terrible creature effects, a pathetic plot and decent amount of nudity.  It delivered as advertised, although we would recommend not paying attention to the “plot”; it will make for a much better viewing experience.




September 2020
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