Archive for the 'Spin-off or sequel' Category

24
Sep
16

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Date Watched: 9/22/16

Plot: Fin, his family and the cosmos have been blissfully sharknado-free in the five years since the most recent attack, but now sharks and tornadoes are being whipped up in unexpected ways and places.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Star Wars references
  • Bad cameos
  • Every time they say “Sharknado”
  • Gratuitous product placement
  • Use of Las Vegas landmarks
  • Every time there is a new type of “nado”
  • References to other movies
  • Famous U.S. landmarks

Quotes:

  • “What inspired you to create a hotel full of sharks?”
  • “Fin Shepard, welcome to the family”
  • “Just as long as you have a beating heart, I’m going to love you”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does that airplane look like a penis?”
  • “Why would you need a chainsaw if you had a light saber?”
  • “How would you like to have David Hasselhoff as your grandfather?”

Things We Learned:

  • You can fly off a building in a car and use your car doors to “surf” down safely
  • Pirate ship steering wheels make good shark killers
  • Sharknados can become Bouldernados, Oilnados, Firenados, Lightningnados, Cownados, and Nuclearnados

Final Take:

For a movie franchise that already jumped the shark (pun intended), this one was a worthy addition.  There was plenty of silliness and D-list celebrities getting eaten by sharks.  I’ve seen lots of movies filmed in Vegas, but the Treasure Island Pirate Ship scene was something memorable (not just for having David Faustino as a character named “Bud”).  We will be waiting for number 5.

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03
Jul
15

Leprechaun: Origins

LeprechaunOrigins_Poster

Viewing Date: 7/2/2015

Starring: Dylan “Hornswaggle” Postl

Plot: Two young couples backpacking through Ireland discover that one of Ireland’s most famous legends is a terrifying reality. (IMDB)

Rules

  • Leprechauns steal gold
  • Say “Leprechaun”
  • Creature vision (house rule, but needs to be observed)

Quotes

“Maybe they’ve earned their freedom, Da.”

“F#ck you, lucky charms!”

Viewer Quotes

“He was pretty spineless anyway!”

“She had a real ax to grind with her friend!”  “Mike, no.”

What We Learned

  • Leprechauns growl like tigers
  • Leprechauns see in infra-red / heat signatures
  • Barakka from Mortal Kombat is, in fact, a leprechaun

Final Take

Horrible.  Horrible.  Horrible.

This movie had nothing to do with the original Leprechaun movies- it wasn’t fun in any way, it was just was a generic movie about a feral creature that somehow required human sacrifices.  Avoid at all costs.

16
Jan
15

Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power

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Viewing Date: 1/15/15

Starring: Victor Webster, Barry Bostwick, Lou Ferrigno, Rutger Hauer, Royce Gracie, Michael Biehn

Rules

  • Say “Scorpion King” (house rules)
  • See scorpions
  • Alaire opens the door
  • Say “Alcamin”
  • You see an washed up “star”
  • Say “Drazen”

Quotes

“We haven’t eaten dinner yet.  Who’s hungry?”

“Don’t worry- it will only hurt for a moment.”

“Maybe its a different hole.”

“You’ve heard of the horse whisperer…”

Viewer Quotes

“Its got monsters and robots.”  “And robot monsters.”  (Deterring a two year old from wanting to watch the movie)

“Is that the Women’s Fighting League?  The WFL?”

“Wasn’t Don the Dragon Wilson in this movie?”

What We Learned

  • You can use a bear skin rug as a weapon.  Its much scarier than a sword.
  • When you’re in a bind, a child pickpocket will show up to save the day.
  • There are medieval bands everywhere.
  • Midgets love burps
  • Putting on a metal suit will give you the power of magnetism (and super strength)
  • Don “the Dragon” Wilson wasn’t in nearly as many popular movies as you thought
11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.

08
Feb
14

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Conan the Destroyer

 

Date Watched: 1/9/2014

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlin

Plot:

The wandering barbarian, Conan, alongside his goofy rogue pal, Malak, are tasked with escorting Queen Taramis’ virgin niece, Princess Jehnna and her bodyguard, Bombaata, to a mystical island fortress. They must retrieve a magical crystal that legends say can awaken the god of dreams, Dagoth. Along the way, Conan reunites with the wise wizard, Akiro and befriends the fierce female fighter, Zula. Together the heroes face ancient traps, powerful Wizards, plots of betrayal, and even the dream god, Dagoth, himself! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Beheadings
  • Limbs chopped off
  • Say Cimmerian
  • Whip sounds
  • Feats of strength
  • Punching animals
  • Wizard performs magic

Advanced rule:

Say Bombaata

Quotes:

“You’re afraid of magic… and you will have to deal with it.”

“What good are swords against magic?”

“She must be a virgin when she’s returned to me… so she can be properly sacrificed.”

“I suppose nothing hurts you… only pain.”

“If you really want a man, you must join.  I mean how do you think flowers grow.”

“The girl’s destiny is to deliver a horn.”

“Every king has a fool.”  Response – “Oh, do I qualify?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, did he just punch the horse?”

“What, he now just knocked out a camel!!!”

“Did he just say that you’ll touch the chest of a hairy man?”

“Could you imagine being on set in 1984 when this was being shot with Arnold, Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlin?  The coke fueled orgies!  I wonder if there is a documentary of this?”

 

Things We Learned:

Conan really hates animals and likes to punch them at each open opportunity.

Olivia d’Abo in the movie is the cousin of Maryam d’Abo and way hot in 1984.  She was also in the Wonder Years and yet another example of Kevin’s craziness that he would choose the ugly mongoose Winny Cooper over this hot tamale.

 

Final Take:

This is a prime example of a Bob Barker movie, in that the sequel has been vastly neutered from the original to secure a lower film rating.  (Ie Robocop is “R” and then Robocop 3 is “PG-13”.  Police Academy is “R”, Police Academy 2 “PG-13”, Police Academy 3 “PG”.  etc.)  Why do studios insist on doing this?  This never ends well, as maybe more kids can see the movie, but the final product is as watered down as a gin and tonic at a Chili’s in Provo, Utah.

So, Conan is back, but it’s a different genre.  Gone are the boobies and blood and instead we get family entertainment.  Conan should be deflowering virgins, not protecting them.

There is a lot of ridiculous wizardry and animal punching, so I would still give a BMT recommendation.

03
Jan
14

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College

ghoulies3

Viewing Date: Jan 2, 2014

Plot

A “Ghoulies” comic book is found in a frat house bathroom. The comic secretly holds powers over three lost Ghoulies that are imprisoned within its pages. They are soon released by Professor Ragnar who uses them in an attempt to stop ‘Prank Week’ where frats play tricks on each other for a tinfoil crown. Skip Carter and his frat house of party animals are destined to take back the crown but he is having problems with his girlfriend who is dating his arch rival, Jeremy. When Jeremy frames Skip, resulting in his expulsion, the Ghoulies are sent to kill Skip and any other frats that stand in their way.  (from IMDB)

Starring: Puppets, a guy that looks like James Spader and a girl that was on “All My Children” and Matthew Lillard.

Rules

  • Xylophone
  • “Prank” or pranks being committed
  • Bubbling toilets
  • Human hands with the puppets

Quotes

“She’ll do anything for a buck!”  “I didn’t know it was a stag party.”  “She had too much elk-ahol.” (all about a topless girl with a taxidermy deer head stuck on her head).

“It smells like there’s something screwy going on!”

“What a foul-smelling bag of puke!”

“I think it’s time we nailed Skippy Carter!”

“I’m sporting half a chubby.”

“I haven’t pulled a yank in days.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oops!  I have a boner.”

Things We Learned

  • If a closet full of clothes falls on you, you emerge fully clothed.
  • College in the 80’s was AWESOME!
  • College girls wash all their panties together.
  • The best way to ruin a college girls’ wardrobe is to steal her panties.
  • Getting a plunger stuck to your face will kill you.
  • You cannot be powerful without evil.

Final Take

This movie was stealing a page from the classic T&A college movies of the 80’s- when everything revolved around absurd college parties and “pranks”.  Only difference was this movie has some terrible puppets thrown in for comedy relief.  There is no gore, and really no scares, the puppets are just a plot device for the hero to overcome to win back the girl’s trust.  I’m not complaining- it was plenty entertaining this way.

22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.