Archive for the 'Murdered teenagers' Category

15
Jun
18

The Babysitter

Image result for the babysitter netflix

Viewing Date: 6/14/18

Plot: Cole (Judah Lewis) loves his babysitter (Samara Weaving) Bee. She’s hot, funny, and popular. One night, in a moment of defiance, Cole secretly stays up past his bedtime to discover she’s actually a cold-blooded killer who’s in league with the Devil. He now must spend his night evading Bee’s band of killers who will stop at nothing to prevent Cole from spilling their dark secret. It’s up to Cole to survive the night (and blow up a few people along the way).

Starring: Judah Lewis, Samara Weaving, directed by McG

Rules:

  • Cole gets scared
  • Remote control cars

Quotes:

  • “My dad let’s me drink Mike’s all the time.”  “That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.”
  • “Oh my God.  I got Sacrifice Samuel all over me.”
  • “Look at him.  He’s still cutting the rope.”
  • “What kind of dick shoots a girl in the boob?!”
  • “Did you just blow up Sonja?”  “No.”  “I’m not mad, just a little surprised.”
  • “What happened?!”  “I don’t need a babysitter anymore.”

What We Learned

  • If you still need a babysitter at 13, you probably deserve something to go horribly wrong.
  • Sacrifice Samuel should have known better.
  • Knowing police walkie-talkie codes will get rid of all police suspicion, even when a reported homicide is involved.
  • What we didn’t learn: Why did Max go shirtless practically the entire movie?
  • When all else fails, steal a car and drive it into a house.

Final Take

This was way better than it had any right to be- great Thursday night movie with the right mix of gore, absurdity, and humor.  I think McG has found his wheelhouse: horror-comedy with low expectations.

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06
Oct
17

Ghoulies 2 (1988)

Ghoulies 2

Date Watched: 10/5/2017

Starring: Some guys that died

Plot: The Ghoulies wreak havoc at an amusement park, disposing of those who mistake them for mere fairground attractions. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Stop motion
  • Someone says “Carnival”
  • Someone says “Tunes”

Quotes:

  • “I can do body work… baboom!”
  • “Have you seen my little muffy?”  (Response) “Who hasn’t?”
  • “He don’t go nowhere without his tunes.”
  • “This place is better than Epcot Center.”
  • “I’m a magician you sons of bitches!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Were girls actually uglier in the 80’s?”
  • “Can they re-brand the carnival to be the Devil’s Anus?”

Things We Learned:

  • Ghoulies can make cat sounds to lure in cat lovers and kill them with a switchblade.
  • 10 year olds have ninja throwing stars at their disposal to throw at wayward Ghoulies.
  • Having Ghoulies is a great way to make some extra mula from your crappy carnival ride.

Final Take:  Ghoulies delivers once again.  Like Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College,  this was great in terms of cheap entertainment and thrills.  Who doesn’t like a trashy carnival, especially circa 1988?

29
Dec
16

Silent Night Deadly Night (1984)

Silent Night

Date Watched: 12/29/16

Starring: Santa as you’ve never seen him before

Plot:

After his parents are murdered, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Every time there’s a radio announcement
  • Terrible music
  • Characters looking off into the distance
  • Billy says “naughty” or “punishment”
  • Awesome 80’s toys

Quotes:

  • “What about you boy?  You been good all year?”
  • “It’s over.  Time to get sh$tfaced!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that a hairy ass that we’re looking at?”
  • “This is how all my office Christmas parties end.”
  • “The best place to party is the toy store on Christmas Eve.”
  • “Two ball in the corner pocket.”  (Said as guy lays baby sitter down on a pool table for love makin’.)

What We Learned:

  • Santa Claus doesn’t give coal.  He punishes the naughty.

Final Take:

Not bad.  This was a good holiday Thursday movie that got us in the Xmas spirit.  We’re curious to see how the other movies in this series turn out.

03
Jul
15

Leprechaun: Origins

LeprechaunOrigins_Poster

Viewing Date: 7/2/2015

Starring: Dylan “Hornswaggle” Postl

Plot: Two young couples backpacking through Ireland discover that one of Ireland’s most famous legends is a terrifying reality. (IMDB)

Rules

  • Leprechauns steal gold
  • Say “Leprechaun”
  • Creature vision (house rule, but needs to be observed)

Quotes

“Maybe they’ve earned their freedom, Da.”

“F#ck you, lucky charms!”

Viewer Quotes

“He was pretty spineless anyway!”

“She had a real ax to grind with her friend!”  “Mike, no.”

What We Learned

  • Leprechauns growl like tigers
  • Leprechauns see in infra-red / heat signatures
  • Barakka from Mortal Kombat is, in fact, a leprechaun

Final Take

Horrible.  Horrible.  Horrible.

This movie had nothing to do with the original Leprechaun movies- it wasn’t fun in any way, it was just was a generic movie about a feral creature that somehow required human sacrifices.  Avoid at all costs.

13
Jun
15

Killer Mermaid / Nymph (2014)

killermermaid

Viewing Date: 5/14/2015

Starring: Some foreigners

Plot: Two young American women go on a Mediterranean vacation and uncover the watery lair of a killer mermaid hidden beneath an abandoned military fortress. What was once a carefree adventure becomes a deadly fight for survival. (from IMDB)

Rules

  • The call of the mermaid (Hunger Games tune)
  • “Cool” music
  • Foreign actors trying too hard to act American
  • Kills by the Fisherman
  • “Mamula”

Quotes

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.”

“He’s a really funny guy.  I’ve known him since forever.”

Viewer Quotes 

“I’ll bet he knows what you did last summer.” (said moments before the actual line in the movie)

“He was really good time guy in college.”

“She looks a little bit like Daniel Day Lewis.”

“This is Daniel Day Lewis’s best role!”

“Do you think the mermaid’s siren song seduces lesbians?”

What We Learned

  • Mermaids have transformative powers and can change into hideous monsters
  • Smacking someone in the face breaks the mermaid’s trance
  • A mermaid’s scream can bring dead people back to life
  • Mermaid trance only affects men
  • The underground tunnel from the secret island does not, in fact, lead back to the mainland.  You still have to row back for some reason.
  • The movie did not have the budget to show the mermaid until 3/4 of the way through the movie.

Final Take

This movie had some decent laughs- mostly unintentional- and spent way too much time building up a love triangle for really no reason.  Most of the movie did not actually put the mermaid in the “killer” role, but rather it was her lover, who played the stereotypical, mute, plodding psychopath.  I guess he was killing people to feed his wife / lover (the mermaid), but a lot of the killing seemed to be just for the sake of killing…  Probably shouldn’t overthink a movie called “Killer Mermaid”.  The climax battle was pretty good, and the final shot of hundreds of mermaids embarking on the city made you wish that is what the movie had actually been about.  I guess we just have to hope for a sequel with more killer mermaids.

06
Feb
15

The Wraith (1986)

wraith

Viewing Date: Feb 2, 2015

Plot: Jamie, killed by neighborhood thugs, returns as a mystical figure named Jake (The Wraith) to gain revenge.

Starring: Charlie Sheen, Randy Quaid, Clint Howard, Nick Cassavettes, Sherilyn Fenn

Rules

  • Every time you see Clint Howard
  • Packard gets jealous
  • Awesome 80’s jams
  • Switchblade is pulled
  • Someone from Pack’s crew dies
  • Lights / lightning turning into a car, or vice versa
  • The arm braces / leg braces disappear

Quotes

“Loser!  I’m a secret Loser!”  (Ozzy)

“We’ll mind the cockstacker.”

“Do it to him Augie Style!”

“Who was that guy?”  “I don’t know, but he was weird and pissed off.”

“We know our constipational rights!”

“Roadblocks can’t stop what can’t be stopped.”

Viewer Quotes

“Its Toonces!”

“That’s why I drove my ’77 Volkswagen Rabbit in High School- so I didn’t have to race for pink slips”

“He’s got to go kill Carpet Head.”

What We Learned

  • You don’t need to reload wraith guns
  • Even bad guys have good safety habits
  • You can get high off of hydraulic fluid and WD-40
  • The Dodge Turbo Interceptor is sweet
  • Sherilyn Fenn used to be really hot
30
Aug
13

Blood Rave / Trance

 trance-art

Viewing Date: 8/29/2013

Starring: Dominique Swain, Jeremy London, Madeline Zima (from Californication), Brea Grant (from Heroes)

Plot:  Sexy girls at a rave turn into bloodthirsty killers after taking a mysterious new drug. (from IMDB)

Rules:

  • Eyes change
  • Ravers take drugs
  • Rave interludes
  • Glowsticks
  • People getting killed

Quotes:

“What are you doing”  “I’m going to play Scrabble.”

“This is where the rich VIP are.” (as they walk through a disgusting alleyway)

“Where is everyone?” “The night is yet a screaming infant!”

“Are you like 100 thousand percent sure and positive?”

“My favorite sound?  The sound of glass on bone.”

Viewer Quotes:

 “Say something funny.  We need some viewer quotes.”  “I can’t.  There’s nothing worth talking about going on in this movie.”

“This reminds me of the time I took E in Scotland”

“‘You talk too fucking much?’ That sounds like Shelly on our first date.”

“Do you think they paid Jeremy London in money or buffett coupons?”

What We Learned:

  • Women can be weaponized (I guess we already knew this)
  • The government creates chemical weapons in the form of breath strips that not only turn the user into a murderous psychopath, but also gives superhuman strength
  • Only losers who won’t be missed by anyone go to raves (I guess we already knew this too)
  • Jeremy London has put on some serious lbs since Party of Five
  • The goverment sponsors potentially high profile chemical attacks on American teenagers 
  • If you make out with two women going by the names of ‘Sin’ and ‘Virtue’ for a long period of time, realize that eventually they are going to eat your penis
  • Movies that have multiple titles = terrible, terrible films.  Avoid at all costs.

Final Take:

Not recommended.  This movie started out very slowly and walked the line of us turning it off the whole time.  Some late gore and almost-recognizable actors attempted to redeem it, but no luck.  As mentioned in ‘what we learned’, if we can’t even find the movie on IMDB because they have retitled it, it’s probably for a reason (the producers are trying to cover their tracks).