02
Nov
12

Albino Farm

Viewing Date: 11/01/2012

Starring: Chris Jericho, Pig-faced girl, Tongue-O, Bat-faced Midget, Mute-boy.

Plot:

Four college students head to the Ozarks to do a project on rural culture / myths.  After ignoring multiple warnings and huge red flags (including a midget scraping roadkill, an old lady breast-feeding and the diner server having a pig hand), the kids decide to investigate the Albino Farm.  Bad idea.  The mutants are angry at the kids for trespassing, or maybe for their normal-looking faces and much killing ensues.

Rules:

  • Redneck cliches
  • “Albino”
  • Mutants
  • When you see Tongue-O’s tongue.

Quotes:

“No burgers for us.  We’ll have two cantaloupes.”

“Oh shit-farm Missy Lou!  You looking good!!”

“It’s some kind of graveyard of tree shit!”

Viewer Quotes:

“One of my biggest fears is a huge albino Chris Jericho.”

“Is that old lady breast feeding?!”

“Have we actually seen any albinos?”

“Pig girl is always one step ahead.”

What We Learned:

Play along when being held captive by mutant pig-faced girl who wants to mate with you– the alternative is worse.

There are no albinos at the albino farm– correction, there might be one.

No two mutants are alike.  Some might be mute, some might be missing a lower jaw, some might have fish-lips.  It’s basically a police line-up from a Dick Tracy comic.

The Final Word:

It’s a by-the-book teens come across a mutant community who want to kill them for some reason.  You’ve got the asshole, the slut, the exchange student and the nice girl.  Guess who lives?  Only a few kills happen and it is completely middle of the road.  The redeeming part of the movie is the mutant side show and you get what you paid for.  We’re still not sure why Chris Jericho was in this movie.

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