Archive for the 'Bad Movies' Category

01
Apr
21

Jiu Jitsu (2020)

Date watched: 4/1/21

Starring: Frank Grillo and Nic Cage (Partial Appearance)

Plot: Every six years, an ancient order of jiu-jitsu fighters joins forces to battle a vicious race of alien invaders. But when a celebrated war hero goes down in defeat, the fate of the planet and mankind hangs in the balance.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seeing the Comet
  • Weird Subtitles
  • Fidget Spinners Attack
  • First Person Video Game Scenes
  • Stupid Cartoon Storyboard Transitions

Quotes:

  • “I like women with thick thighs.”
  • “Do you know those Jedi Knights that just took out my entire unit?”
  • “I got a license to kill you… No expiration date.”
  • “I know that the spaceman likes you.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • Regarding Nic Cage: “Is he supposed to be Asian?  Is he wearing a Sombrero?”
  • “Oh look, it’s the Ninja Turtles Temple.”

Things We Learned:

  • Nic Cage makes really good hats out of newspaper.
  • You can split one sword into two swords.
  • The movie Jiu Jitsu doesn’t have a lot of Jiu Jitsu in it.

Final Take:

There was a lot of potential here for something awesome.  Sadly, it fell short.  The movie is a never-ending barrage of fighting with little to no plot or dialogue.  It’s as if they shot a three-hour movie and then edited anything out that had to do with story or cohesion.  There are moments of cool things, but the sheer repetitiveness and ripped off Predator theme suck most of the fun out.  Nice Cage is also underused both in screen time and in the sheer lunacy for which we watch his films.

04
Feb
21

Dealthstalker 2 (1987)

Date watched: 2/4/21

Plot: Princess Evie of Jzafir is deposed by an evil sorcerer and his dangerous ally. Reena the Seer enlists the aid of the renowned hero Deathstalker to battle the forces of evil, including a clone of the princess, and win back her kingdom. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pigman is on the screen.
  • Say “Deathstalker”.
  • Cartoon sound effects.
  • Character sees into the future or does magic.
  • Spit takes.

Quotes:

  • “Stalker, is that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?”
  • “The top half of you might think it’s the wrong time, but the bottom half of you knows it’s the right place.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Quite the outfits.  Looks like a kid’s birthday party.”
  • “Oh good, Pigman’s back.”
  • “How much cocaine was done while shooting this movie?”

Things We Learned:

  • The Prince of Thieves is really Dealthstalker not Robin Hood.
  • The best way to sneak up on someone from behind is to yell really loud.
  • You can stab someone in a faraway land through a bubbling witch’s brew.

Final Take:

This movie was a lot of stupid fun, and it seemed like the cast and crew had a great time making it. Both leads are surprisingly engaging for schlock like this. You might need to bring some Triscuits for cheese like this, but this was an awesome Bad Movie Thursday film.

17
Dec
20

Mrs. Claus (2018)

Date watched: 12/17/20

Starring: Some 40 years as college students, an exotic dancer, and maybe some 20 year olds

Plot: A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Anything Greek related
  • Deaths
  • Christmas clichés

Quotes:

  • “You won’t be going home for Christmas.”
  • “I pray that this Christmas fills you with anguish.”
  • “Ho, ho, ho… hoes.”
  • “Are you really going to light up with officer snoopy tits snooping around?”
  • “How much lube do you put on your pussy bro?”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is this the best they could do for sorority girls?”
  • “This frat party actually looks like my office party.”

Things we learned:

Dildos are not the best Christmas gifts for sorority girls.

Final Take:

In terms of the movie name and our expectations, we were catfished and regifted this hunk of coal. It really had nothing to do with Mrs. Claus, and the mask could have been anything. There were a few decent kill shots for the size of the budget.

29
Oct
20

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (2012)

Date watched: 10/29/20

Starring: People who are in a lot of terrible movies.

Plot: A group of Christian teens visit the Happy Day Bible Camp, where in 1977 an earlier group of teens were punished for their sinful behavior by a sadistic nun. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • 70’s or 80’s references
  • References to sex
  • Closed Caption says “crickets chirping”
  • Character says “Sister Mary Chopper”

Quotes:

  • “We should probably go for guys that look like Jesus.”
  • “I’ll bet Sylvester Stallone has a big cannoli.”
  • “Back door’s always open for Jesus baby.”
  • “Bambi, you’re going to need to lick my rusty star fish.”
  • “Jesus, please take my sinful boner away!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • Question: “Whats going on?”  Response: “It’s 1977.”
  • “At bible camp they don’t really sing about licking nuts though.”
  • “That bush counts I think.”
  • “My grandmother called them Tallywackers.”
  • “Everybody just grab a loose weiner.”

Things we learned:

  • Kids at Bible Camp are actually in their 40’s.
  • Toothless inbreds don’t take kindly to out of towners.
  • Tad is rad.
  • Jesus is cool with wine coolers.

Final Take:

I personally was pretty fond of this movie, although I don’t know that the rest of the group liked it as much. It was funny and entertaining. According to IMDB, there is a sequel in the works, which I think would also make for a good BMT movie.

23
Jul
20

Spaghettiman (2016)

Spaghettiman

Date watched: 7/23/20

Starring: Spaghetti

Plot: Clark doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about the world. He barely cares about himself. But after an incident with an old bowl of spaghetti and a malfunctioning microwave, he becomes a superhero that can fight crime with the power of spaghetti. However, you have to pay him. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Pasta puns
  • Shooting spaghetti
  • Eating spaghetti
  • Extreme rule = saying spaghetti
  • Spaghettiman making a money symbol with his fingers
  • Spaghettiman eats soup

 

Quotes:

  • “Is it possible that you inserted the spaghetti noodle directly inside of your penis?”
  • “You would drink a spaghetti pee?”
  • “You’ve been served—Spaghetti”
  • “I rip his dick off… just like my grandma taught me.”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Things you don’t want to see in a movie:  somebody eating spaghetti.”
  • “Did he just piss out a bunch of spaghetti noodles?”
  • “I almost pulled a Warlock on it (aka I almost fell asleep.)”

 

Things We Learned:

  • When you microwave spaghetti for 3 min sauce magically appears.
  • The ukulele is the best way to sing songs to unborn children.

 

Final Take:

It was ok.  Not as good as the reviews.  Watchable.

04
Jun
20

Space Mutiny (1988)

Space Mutiny (1988) - IMDb

Viewing Date: 6/4/20

Starring: Reb Brown, John Phillip Law

Plot

In the distant future in deep space, the large colony spaceship Southern Sun travels through the galaxy. On board, the evil Kalgan (John Philip Law) and his men take control of the ship through a violent and explosive mutiny. Kalgan’s plan is to scrap the ship and sell the passengers into slavery. One man, (Reb Brown) decides to make a stand and encourages others to fight against Kalgan’s rebels. Armed with laser cannons and neutron grenades, he leads the Commander’s daughter and a handful of soldiers into a blasting battle to re-take the ship. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Recycled Battlestar Galactica footage
  • Enforcer vehicles
  • Someone says ‘Enforcer’
  • Evil laughs

Quotes

  • “I prefer to jump!”  “Be my guest.”
  • I’ve got a 6-9’er in progress!”

What We Learned

  • In space, if you wear red, you’re a bad guy, blue means you’re a good guy
  • Similarly, a paintball mask means you’re a bad soldier.
  • Rocket gun explosions cause you to be launched off a trampoline
  • Jazzercize outfits are standard issue during a Space Mutiny, and parties involve hula hooping
  • Rooms with AstroTurf are made for sexy time

Final Take

This movie has gained fame as being one of the more popular features on  Mystery Science Theater 300, for good reason.  It has laughable acting, writing, special effects and wardrobes.  If it wasn’t for the ‘borrowed’ space sequences at the beginning, this could have been taking place just about anywhere.  Practically all action scenes were filmed in some dark warehouse, with the highlights involving low speed chases on the ‘Enforcers’ (golf carts covered in cardboard.  Definitely worth checking out- it lived up to the spirit of Bad Movie Thursday!

 

21
May
20

Recoil (2011)

Recoil

Date watched: 5/21/20

Starring: Steve Austin, Danny Trejo

Plot: A cop turns vigilante after his family is murdered, exacting vengeance on the killers – and then on all criminals who have slipped through the system.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • References to the state of WA
  • References to vigilante justice
  • Steve Austin shows his scars or cuts himself
  • Danny Trejo finds a new way to torture someone
  • Wrestling moves

Quotes:

  • “I’m not leaving until I kill something.”
  • “They just turned Dale Burrows into abstract art.”  (response to killing the guy.)
  • “Kill him.”  “Who?”  “Everyone!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That’s what you get for not social distancing.”
  • “There’s no hope in Pierce County, WA.”
  • “Is he drinking cocaine juice?”

Things We Learned:

Danny Trejo is currently 76 years old.

Final Take: There’s not much to note on this one.  I think that we had a decent time watching it, but there’s almost nothing memorable about it, except that there were some references to the state of Washington.

13
Feb
20

Between Worlds (2018)

between Worlds

Date watched: 2/13/20

Starring: Nic Cage, woman from “Run Lola Run”

Plot: Joe meets a mother who can contact spirits when suffocating. Her daughter is dying when Joe helps the mother spiritually contact the daughter and save her. Unfortunately, the spirit in the daughter’s body is now that of Joe’s dead wife. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time Nic Cage drinks.
  • People talk about leaving their body or leave their body.

Quotes:

  • “Just ring it up Ricardo!”
  • “Next time why don’t you wrestle a man gator”
  • Woman asks the question: “Do you have family?”  Nic Cage answer: “wife and daughter, you like? (holding up their picture)… oops, they’re dead!”
  • Nice Cage to woman: “I smell like three days on the road.”  Her response: “I like it.”
  • “A man without a truck isn’t a man.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does Nic Cages hat actually say Turkey and the Wolf?”
  • What the daughter should ask the Mom when Nic Cage walks in with her, “who’s that scumbag with you?”

Things we learned:

  • Nic Cage’s favorite food is truck stop hot dogs.
  • Nic Cage wears a lot of stupid rings.

Final Take:  Not too shabby.  It was weird and well acted by everyone other than Nic Cage, although he certainly had his moments.  It was a decent addition to the Nic Cage library and worth checking out.

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

22
Aug
19

Rampage (2018)

Rampage

Date Watched: 8/22/19

Starring: The Rock, 80’s video game monsters, Negan as basically Negan

Plot: When three different animals become infected with a dangerous pathogen, a primatologist and a geneticist team up to stop them from destroying Chicago.  (from IMDB.com)

Rules: 

-Video game references
-Sign language w/ monkeys
-Say Crsper
-Dumb radio signal to lure the monsters

Quotes:

-“Is it me, or is he considerably bigger?”
-“I need that wolf… dead or alive”
-“What are you, some sort of International Man of Mystery?”
-“David, there’s something big in the river.”… “Well, that sucks.”

Viewer Quotes:

-“Has the Rock ever been in an actual good movie?”
-“Wow, this is really just a bunch of nonsense.”

Things We Learned:

-Monkeys can give people the finger and knock the Rock (pun intended).
-Ruthless CEO has Rampage video game in her office in a movie about Rampage video game.
-Doctors have access to helicopters.  (And damaged helicopters can “float” down buildings as they crumble.)
-Getting shot in the gut is no big deal if you’re The Rock.  (Just remember to occasionally wince.)
-Wolves can fly.

Final Take:

Not too shabby for a BMT Movie.  It certainly was silly, but it did a decent job of tone and being entertaining.  I’m not sure what else you could ask for in a movie about three cartoon monsters that scale a building.




June 2021
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