Posts Tagged ‘Awkward



17
Apr
15

I, Frankenstein (2014)

I, Frank

Viewing Date: 4/16/15

Plot: Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Jai Courtney

Rules:

Say “Adam”

Every time you can tell the movie is ripping off other movies: i.e. Resident Evil, Underworld, Van Helsing, The Matrix, Blade, etc., etc., etc.

Speaking in demon voices or showing red demon eyes

Quotes:

-To Frankenstein’s Monster:  “We shall call you Adam.”

“I know of no other way.  I am not human… or demon… or gargoyle.”

“Now bring me Frankenstein’s Monster!”

“Descend in pain, demon.”

“I think your boss is a demon prince.”

“I’ve never had to thank a human for anything before.”

“You go talk to the Gargoyle Queen, I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Watching Bill Nye just reminds me of Love Actually.”

“Who are supposed to be the good guys again?”

“There is a lot going on in the movie, but I don’t care about any of it.”

“Do you think he has a stitched together penis?”

“Demons are stupid looking.  I feel like I’m watching an episode of Grimm.”

Things we learned:

-Demons eyes glow red at night clubs.

-Frankenstein’s Monster prefers stupid looking walking sticks as his weapon of choice.

-There has been a century’s long war taking place between demons and gargoyles.

-Working for demon’s doesn’t pay very much, even if you’re an expert in electromagnetics, as evidenced by the complete sh$thole apartment that the main scientist lives in.

-The Gargoyle Queen has a sacred duty to destroy Frankenstein’s Monster.

-Reanimating corpses have a status bar that lights up on their chests to be able to tell their progress.

Final Take:

For a movie with a lot going on, not much is actually going on.  There was little to no character development.  Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there where the story is comprised of more than just cardboard cutouts?  (Not that I care or would want to watch it.)  It’s really just a cheap copy of other infinitely better (Matrix) or slightly better (Van Helsing) movies.  It’s fine for watching for free on Netflix, but god help those poor souls that actually paid money in the theaters to watch this dreck.

27
Mar
15

Nazis at the center of the earth (2012)

Nazis

Viewing Date: 3/26/15

Plot:

Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors, their bodies a horrifying patchwork of decaying and regenerated flesh, are planning for the revival of the Third Reich. (From IMDB)

Starring:

Dominique Swain and Jake Busey

Rules:

  • Nazi clichés
  • Nazis dying
  • Faces getting ripped off
  • Every time blond chick runs

Quotes:

“What is wrong with you, you’re never squeamish?”  (After her friend’s brain has been ripped out and girl vomits.)

Viewer Quotes:

“So one guy has been delivering people to the Nazis for years to use as spare parts and nobody has noticed?”

“Where did he get that baseball?”

“That is the worst thing you can say to a Robo-Hitler.”

Things we learned:

  • To tear someone’s face off, you just need to cut them a little bit at the top of their head.
  • There are mountains and temples at the center of the earth.
  • It’s not cold at the center of the earth.
  • Nazis have UFO technology.

Final Take:

For a movie with great promise, it just doesn’t really deliver.  It goes to places that it shouldn’t go – zombie rape and abortion scenes – that make it mean spirited and take the fun out of it.  This should have just been over the top ridiculousness.  If you’re looking for a silly zombie Nazi movie, I would definitely check out “Dead Snow” instead.

25
May
12

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Image

Starring

????

Plot

A platoon of eagle & vultures attack the residence of a small town. Many people died. It’s not known what caused the flying menace to attack. Two people managed to fight back, but will they survive Birdemic? (editor’s note: this was copied from IMDB, spelling/grammatical errors and all.)

Rules

  • Pecking of eyes
  • Child predicts/points out danger and is hushed.
  • Bird poop
  • Imagine Peace
  • “Hanging out with my family.  Having ourselves a party.”
  • CGI Muzzle flash
  • “Eagle Attack”
  • “Global Warming”
Quotes
  • “I’m a fashion model.” – “And a pretty one at that!”
  • “A date without sex is a date wasted, man.”
  • “Besides, I love my mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid.  It gets a hundred MPG.” (what?)
  • “Oh!  Lovers on the moon.”
  • “The eagles killed Becky!”
  • “No I’m sorry, you know.  All phones are dead from the eagle attack.  All phones are dead up here.”
  • “Whoa!  I hear a mountain lion.  That’s my queue to go.  Very nice to meet you.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Awful intro, so hard to sit through.”
  • “You should have to waterfall through this whole terrible opening.”
  • “Is this netflix stream quality or editing issues?”
  • “Home video alert.”
  • “This sound guy will never work in movies again.”
  • “Why is everything tilted?”
  • “Listen to this song.  Is it a boy going out for his paper route?  Sounds like an 80’s Christmas movie.”
  • “If it was filmed in 2010, why does it look like 1992?”
  • “See you then???  They didn’t even pick a time or a restaurant!”
  • “Where the hell are the birds?  Isn’t this movie about birds?”
  • “This Rod guy needs a whole lot less camera time.  Worst. Actor. Ever.”
  • “Terrible fake birds.  OMG.  CGI Parrots.”
  • “I guess they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, but it really looked like that guy paid for a massage.”
  • “A plug-in hybrid mustang?  Where’s this writer from?”
  • “Are birds a metaphor for something else?  Where are all the birds?”
  • “I can’t believe this is on Netflix.  Netflix has zero standards.”
  • “Isn’t this guy a millionaire?  And they’re in a no-tell motel?  Come on.”
  • “And now, an awkward diatribe on Global Warming by the old man on the bridge. “
  • “Where should we go to get away from these birds?  I know, away from the car and into the woods!”

What We Learned

  • Birdemics are unwatchable and require 50 minutes of plot development before birds are introduced.
  • Birds explode on impact.
  • All birds sound like seagulls and can hover in midair.
  • Eagles can cut our lines of communication.
  • Ford makes a plug-in 100 MPG mustang hybrid.
  • Hangers make the perfect weapon against rogue eagles.
  • Eagles and vultures attack by hovering motionless in your face.
  • Global Warming causes Bird Flu, Sars, and West Nile Virus, and will result in bird attacks.
  • Eagles will sometimes announce their attack, and other times drop down and slit your throat with no warning.
  • Gas goes for 100 bucks a gallon during birdemics.
  • It all leads back to Global Warming.
  • Some exploding eagles are duds.



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