Archive for the 'Cowboys' Category

17
Nov
17

R.I.P.D.

RIPD

Date Watched: 11/16/17

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, Mary Louise Parker

Plot: A recently slain cop joins a team of undead police officers working for the Rest in Peace Department and tries to find the man who murdered him.

Rules

  • Someone says “RIPD” or “Rest In Peace”.
  • See the alternate version of them.
  • Royseafus does something old cowboy.
  • Someone says “Dead-O”

Quotes

  • “You know what my funeral was?  Watching a bunch of coyotes pick my carcass clean and drag my bones off to a cave.  A freakin’ cave, hoss.”
  • “You ain’t my partner, rook.  You’re just the ass in the other seat.”
  • “RIPD don’t and don’t sleep.”  –  “So why do you eat this?”  –  “I enjoy the mouthfeel!”
  • “I thought you were some kind of rebel, Roy.” – “I fought for the North.”
  • “Total humiliation.  Just a pants-down spanking in the supermarket.”
  • “You agreeing with me… that’s weird.” – “Yeah, feels strange…kind of tingly.”
  • “She billy-goated me!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “What’s this thing called?  Ripped?”
  • “As a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster, this is a disaster.  But as a smaller, no expectation, weird flick, it’s not bad.”
  • “So time freezes anytime anyone dies?  Nobody would get anything done!”

Things We Learned

  • Indian food transforms dead people into monsters, specifically cumin.
  • RIPD don’t eat or sleep, just kick Dead-O’s ass.
  • Dead people still live among us (some of us knew that all along)
  • Jeff Bridges likes a nice turn of an ankle.
  • How to billy-goat somebody.

Final Take: Not as bad as some will have you believe.  If your expectations are as low as ours were, you will likely find this movie just fine, and Jeff Bridges character in particular was pretty entertaining.

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01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.

12
Jul
14

Dead in Tombstone (2013)

Dead in Tombstone

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall, Mickey Rourke

Plot:

A gang overruns a small mining town murdering their own leader Guerrero (Trejo) in a cold-blooded power grab. Sentenced to eternity in hell he finds himself confronted by Satan himself (Rourke), offering a daring proposition: deliver the six souls of his former gang and he will escape damnation. With time running out, he sets out on a brutal rampage to avenge his own death. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Gun close ups

-Mention of god or the devil

-Say “hermano” or “brother”

-Show clocks

Quotes:

“Maybe we should stick around… get some putas.”

“I’m Jesus H Christ in this town.”

“We killed you.”  Response: “No, this is how you kill someone.”

“The lawman’s wench, she will be the end of you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How do you know who the chick in Starship Troopers actual name is?”

“That is a vision of hell… having Mickey Rourke chew on your fingers.”

“After a year of being a corpse, his skin would slide off just like a Papa Johns pizza.”

Things We Learned:

-Mickey Rourke is Lucifer

-The devil makes his own rules.

Final Take:

Ho-hum.  

31
May
13

The Burrowers

220px-Burrowersposter08

Date Watched: 5/30/13

Plot: A pioneer family vanishes, a search party goes a’lookin’ fer ’em.  Pretty soon, they need a search party to find the search party.  A masterpiece of the Cowboy/Carniverous Worm People genre (from xfinity).

Starring: Clancy Brown, William Mapother

Rules:

  • Burrowing (anything going in or out of holes)
  • Gratuitous mustache shots.
  • People drinking.
  • “Burrowers”
  • Predator noises

Quotes:

  • “Why do you spend so much time running that boy’s belly? He already thinks you’re Jesus Crockett.”
  • “Skinny woman.  Why don’t you just poke the boy.”
  • “I’d rather walk in the right direction than ride with my head up my ass.”
  • “Don’t you ever touch my Indian!!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Anything going in or out of holes” “Ha.  Is that a rule or a quote”  (both apparently)
  • “Meek’s Crossing is the most boring movie ever filmed.”

What We Learned:

  • Indians were called “blanket heads”
  • Burrowers were there before the white man and used to feed on the buffalo.  After the evil white man killed the buffalo, they had to find another food source.
  • It’s possible to sleep while riding a horse.
  • You need a little fish to kill burrowers.  But it’s really the sunlight that kills them.
  • Viewers of Fear.net must need Proactiv.
  • “Call within 10 minute” commercial offers apply to on-demand movies.

Final Take:

This movie had recognizable actors, a reasonable budget and a decent story, but I’d still call it a failure for bad movie thursday.  It wasn’t campy enough, and it was really tough to come up with rules or entertaining viewer quotes.  So I don’t know if that’s a put-down or an endorsement.  It had an interesting premise about the subterrenean creatures that live on the prairie and come out every three generations to feed (part Tremors, part creature from ‘Jeepers Creepers’) and the filmmakers really wanted to play up aspect of the victims being paralyzed and buried alive, but it really didn’t make sense– the creatures needed to keep them alive, because they could only consume rotten, liquified food?  What?!  Bottom line, it’s not a bad movie, but not a great movie to sit around and joke with friends about.  We probably would have been better off watching ‘Steel and Lace’.