Archive for the 'Vampires' Category


Dracula 3000

Date Watched:



In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. (From IMDB)




Casper Van Diem

Erika Eleniak


Tiny Lister


Every time Dr.’s video log comes on.

Coolio says dude.

Every time someone runs down a hallway.

They say Orlock.


“She’s still the same little shameless ho she’s always been.”

“Hang 10 Dude!”

“Oh, a metal plus sign, this dude was into mathematics.  (About a cross.)”

“Your ass has never been hungry, and we aint gonna pass up this amount of cheese.”

“Sands aint worth nuthin!”

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’ve seen you and want to ejaculate all over your bazangas?”

Viewer Quotes:

“You know it’s a crappy movie when it’s an hour and 20 minute movie and it has a 5 minute intro.”

“Is this supposed to be a spaceship, because it’s obviously an oil refinery.”

“What’s the scientific explanation for sand becoming a vampire?”

“This guy’s had his platonic friend activator going his whole life.”

Not movie related discussion after the movie:  “Isn’t David Bowie’s alter ego Captain Glitter-Face?” Response:  “You mean Ziggy Star Dust?”

Things we learned:

Scuba gear doubles as a space suit.

Surfing is big in space – at least by a stoned Coolio.

Dope wasn’t legalized until the year 2950.

Normal bullets being shot in the future sound like lazers.

In the future they tell time using moon cycles.

We are now going to call silent farts “Orlocks”.

Robots are programmed to look like aging starlets.

The best things to use to kill vampires are pool cues.


The Dead Undead (Vampires vs Zombies)













A group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie like creatures whose only motivation is to feed on flesh, whether Human or Vampire. A group of Vamprie commandos tries to keep their identity secret, while trying to stop the spread of the infection. Soldiers from across the ages, it’s up to these vampires to end the zombie infection. Caught in the middle is a group of human kids on a camping trip, who team up with the Vampires in an attempt to survive. (from IMDB)




Some guy who looks like Corben Bernsen.


Zombie flies back from being shot

Zombie hit by car

Hiding a Zombie/Vampire bite

Vampire getting burned by sunlight

Slow motion shooting guns

They say ZV


“Any luck Mr. Bad Wrench?”

“This is why I don’t stay at these scummy scum bag motels.”

“This isn’t a video game kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Worthless shower scene.”

“This Shelly is just like the real Shelly.  She drinks until she passes out.”

“Do you think one of these guys is named Chavez?”

“Worst death ever.”

Things we learned from this movie:

After you shoot a shotgun you should throw it away as it can’t be used anymore.

Garden gnomes explode when you shoot them.

You can be both a zombie and a vampire.  (AZV)

Flashbacks to ancient Roman times, Vietnam, or the Old West can literally happen any time w/o reason.


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter


Abe Lincoln hates vampires.  He hunts them.  They have something to do with slavery.  Somehow he becomes president. The end.


  • “Abraham”
  • Axe tricks/Axe swinging
  • Cliche Lincoln Crap (Honest, Beard, Top Hat, etc.)
  • Vampires talking about their long lives.
  • Other historical figures make an appearance.


None worth mentioning.  A first!

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Lincoln is so out of place at these high-society events.”
  • “I played this game when it was Sunset Riders.”
  • “The beard of power!”
  • “The ladies called him ‘Baberaham.'”
  • “What’s with the shopkeeper acting all weird?  There’s something going on there…”
  • “This explains that silver collection campaign that actually happened during the Civil War.”

What We Learned:

  • Vampires were everywhere in pre-Civil War America.
  • Vampires long ago learned how to live in the sun.
  • Abraham had a gun axe.  Surprise!
  • Advanced vampires know Karate.
  • Vampires cannot kill their own kind.
  • Vampires fought for the South (suspected, but now we know)


Viewing Date: 2/9/2012

Starring: No one.


Moronic American student Rusty arranges a student exchange program for his closest friends and him to study in Romania for six months and meet his Internet girlfriend Draguta. He travels with potheads Pete and Wang, Pete’s girlfriend Lia and her twin sister Danni, the naive and romantic Newmar and his dippy girlfriend Lynne, the nerd Brady and his sexually confused roommate Mike, and crook Cliff. His friends actually intend to party. While traveling by train to Razvan they learn that five hundred years ago the vampire Radu lost his beloved Stephania, whose spirit was trapped in a music box. Ever since, Radu has kept Stephania’s body while seeking the music box to bring her back. One of Radu’s minions has recently retrieved the music box but, mortally wounded by the vampire slayer Teodora Van Sloan, drops the object in a gypsy’s basket. Newmar unwittingly buys the music box and gives it to Lynne..


  • “Vampires”
  • Farting
  • “Razvan”
  • Americans being attacked by vampires.


“There’s no such thing as aliens you idiot- they’re vampires!”



Viewing Date: 2/16/2012

Starring: Clint Howard

Directed by: Uwe Boll


It’s 1940 and the German army is oozing their ickiness across the European continent, indiscriminately slaughtering thousands. On the Eastern Front, a motley group of Resistance Fighters, led by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher) and “Vadge” (Willam Belli), struggle valiantly against the Nazi scourge. The German army, headed by the Commandant (Michael Paré), shadow puppet master, a mad, showtunes-singing Doctor (Clint Howard), and the newly-addicted-to-blood Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), threatens to eradicate the Resistance. But coming to the rescue is Blubberella. Half vampire, half woman, and all trouble, Blubberella loves nothing better than killing Nazis and a substantial turkey on rye. She has moved through the centuries destroying nasties and their like while perfecting the ultimate cotton candy recipe. Blubberella and the Commandant face each other in a rail car and after a unseemly exchange of bodily fluids…


  • Anachronisms
  • Eating
  • Blackface character
  • Bodily fluids


“Daylight, eh?  Fuck my Donkey.”

“Smells like pubes and cheese in here.”

“Do you call that the German tampon?”

“Will you put a dick in her mouth so she shuts up already?”


Against The Dark

Viewing date: 05/17/2012


When most of the population of Earth is infected with a virus and transformed into flesh eaters and blood drinking creatures, a group of hunters led by Tao chases the vampire zombies to eliminate them. Six non-infected survivors try to find the exit of an abandoned hospital crowded with the infected creatures, and Tao and his group help them. Meanwhile, the military command is ready to bomb the area and wipe it from the map.


Steven Seagal, the Rock’s cousin and Vampires (although they’re more like cannibal mutants)


  • People bitten
  • Seagal one liners
  • Puns about vampires
  • Vampires hissing with fangs
  • Outdoor shot of hospital with symbol


“We’re not here to decide who’s right or wrong, we’re here to decide who lives or dies.”

“The thing about luck is you never know when it’s going to run out”

March 2023