Archive for the 'Ninjas' Category

19
Feb
16

Outcast (2014)

outcastViewing Date: 2/28/16

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Hayden Christensen

Plot: When the heir of the Imperial throne becomes the target of an assassination by his despised older brother, the young prince must flee the kingdom and seek protection. His only hope for survival is a reluctant war-weary crusader named Jacob, who must overcome his own personal demons and rally the assistance of a mythical outlaw known as The White Ghost. Together they must fight side by side in an epic battle to return the prince to his rightful place on the throne (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Nic cage forgets his English accent
  • Drunk / drug vision
  • When Hayden learns that opium is not the answer and throws his stash away.
  • “White Ghost”
  • “Black Guards”

Quotes

“Black guards are as thick as flies on a farting ghosts ass here because of you!”

“(indecipherable mumbling), this is MY medicine!”

“I’m a simple man- easily bedazzled by swift-talking, young princes.”

Viewer Quotes

“The mitoclorians are strong with this one”

“All I want to know is where the hell is Nic Cage?”

“Does he need to pay the ghost?”

What We Learned

  • Nic Cage can’t do an English accent
  • Hayden Christensen still makes movies (but not very many)
12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.

19
Oct
13

Ninja Cheerleaders

ninja cheerleaders
Viewing Date: 10/17/2013

Plot

Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown (from IMDB).

Starring

George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella

Rules

  • Boner alert
  • Groan inducing dialogue
  • Transition cut scenes with boobs
  • Ball crunching / nut-cracking sounds
  • “Uh-huh”, “Gross”, “Nuh-uh” (Any Valley Girl colloquialisms)
  • “Kenji”

Quotes

“He’s sweet in a lock-your-doors, mace-in-hand, don’t-be-alone-with-him kind of way.”

“Say you have tiny balls.” “I have tiny balls!” “Say it like you mean it!”

“Hey pretty princess!”

“Looking at five million years of evolution.  It’s….”  “Rewarding?”

“We’re talking about the mob, not a couple of drunken sailors.”

“What do you know?  Obviously you’ve never run a crime family.”

Viewer Quotes

“Man…  Their cheerleading uniforms don’t even match.”

“Just donkey punch him.”

“Look at his phone! It’s not plugged in to anything.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a $50K strip-off, and you don’t even have to take your clothes off to win.
  • It’s not frowned upon to take high school students from your karate studio and have them work in your strip club.
  • Cheerleaders can dance and cheer in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the game and no one will mind.
  • Ninjas are taught the ancient art of “ball crunching”.

Final Take

You get exactly what you expect in a movie about three cheerleader ninjas (the actresses are closer to 30 than 20) who have to save their Sensei (George Takei) from the mob.  Why does the mob kidnap the Sensei?  Because the mob family used to own the dojo / ninja studio building.  That’s it- not out of revenge or any motive, he just wants the building.  Did I mention that Sensei also runs runs the local strip club where he employs his students?  But that’s perfectly acceptable, because he just wants to help them make enough money to go to an Ivy League school.  The acting, editing and camera work is all as bad as can be expected, but the sound stands out as being particularly awful.  This movie would have been much better if it were more gratuitous.




March 2020
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