Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: Jan 19, 2023

Starring: The Barbarian Brothers (David Paul and Peter Paul), Richard Lynch, Eva LaRue, Michael Berryman

Plot: Two twin barbarians seek revenge from the warlord who massacred their tribe and captured them when they were small children. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Disfigured faces
• Unnecessary feats of strength
• Blue Filter
• Actors we recognize
• “Ruby” or any mention of “the stone”
• Magic is used
• Stupid Barbarian noises (you’ll know them when you hear them)

Viewer Quotes

• “Its a drive-by knifing.”
• “How do you eat when your mouth is sewn shut?”
• “That one guy- he’s not a great actor.” “Which one?” “The dirtmaster.”

What We Learned

• The strip club is a good place to buy weapons
• You can check virginity status by sticking a ruby in someone’s belly button
• You should stop juggling when being chased
• Rubies contain the secret of music- and that is extremely valuable to evil warlords
• You can’t outrun bandits in a circus wagon

Final Take

This was a fun throwback to the steroid-fueled 80’s fantasy genre, and an obvious attempt to cash in on the popularity of Conan the Barbarian. You get exactly what you expect with terrible dialogue and acting from the Barbarian Brothers. They are complete buffoons but somehow save the day simply through their incredible strength. Anyway, it is worth some laughs as the brothers go on some sort of adventure to save their former circus companion who has been imprisoned by an evil warlord who wants the magic ruby that contains the power of music and entertainment. Middle of the road bad movie overall.

Viewing Date: Dec 22, 2022

Starring: Jennifer Runyon, Linda Gentile

Plot: A group of teenagers at a party find themselves being stalked by a maniacal killer in a Santa Claus costume.

Rules

• Double Entendres
• Innuendos
• “Calvin”, saying it or references to the finishing school for girls
• Scooby Doo noises

Quotes

• “Come on, Einstein. Time for your advanced course in relativity.”
• “If you raise a hand on one of these fillies, I’ll personally raise your voice another octave.”

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s never ok to hold someone’s chin for this long. Not under any circumstances.”

What We Learned

• God put us here to take care of the plants
• College kids love drinking milk before bed.
• When you put on a Santa murder mask you become super strong.
• Drinking PBR will make Santa kill you.
• Sorority house mothers are great at killing and cleaning up crime scenes.

Final Take

Pretty by-the-numbers slasher flick. Literally almost every trope of the genre was on display, but being from 1980 that probably wasn’t a thing at the time. Lots of plot holes, not great acting or dialogue, but not bad enough to really qualify for a Bad Movie Thursday recommendation. We only picked it because it had a Christmas theme, but it could barely qualify for even that. Not recommended.

Viewing Date: 10/20/2022

Starring: Lee Bane, Jason Gregg, Sarah John

Plot: On Halloween night, a serial killer returns from the dead to take revenge on the vigilantes who put him to death one year earlier.

Rules

• Pumpkins
• “Jack”
• Old horror movie footage
• Halloweenisms

Quotes

• “Look down at me and you see a fool. Look up at me and you see a god. Look straight at me and you see yourself.”
• “Life is just a dream for the dead.”

Viewer Quotes

• “This is a Trump appointed judge.”
• “This guy’s layering jackets. A fluffy vest over a puffy jacket.”

What We Learned

• Life is just a dream for the dead.
• Dripping blood on a grave will reanimate the dead.
• A “prison purse” is a butt hole.
• People trick or treat in the UK.

Final Take

This one was just OK. It wasn’t too funny, it was kind of hard to follow, and people were killing other people without any explanation as to why. The main villain was not too interesting or scary, either. It was the only Halloween movie we could find on short notice and it definitely was not very memorable. Won’t be watching the sequel any time soon.

Viewing Date: Sep 1, 2022

Starring: Neil Breen (of course)

Plot: A brilliant computer loner seizes Las Vegas and its terrorist attack, while fighting against his fits of clinical depression and obsession for romance and death.

Rules

• Stock footage (expert rule)
• Random human bones or skulls
• Eating Tuna
• Using laptops
• Humble Brag / Aaron Brand (Breen) reminding us what a genius he is.
• External exposition.
• Blood vials

Quotes

• “I’m an American! I’m an American! I love this country!”
• “I eat tuna out of the can and live out of my car.”
• “Electronic, satellite and computer skills….”
• “Don’t ask how I found you. I know everything- more than the government knows.”
• “That’s impossible, that can’t be…”

Viewer Quotes

• “I’m drinking for the double butts.”
• “Grandpa, do you want to be in a movie?”

What We Learned

• You can steal a car with a cellphone- if you’re a super genius.
• The best place to keep laptops is in the desert
• There are Anthrax dealers
• EVERYTHING is done electronically.
• Neil Breen can cure cancer (or maybe it is the fool’s gold)
• You get blood on your face when doing target practice

Final Take

Wow. This was a lot to unpack- and yet practically nothing. If it was possible for someone to rival the filmmaking madness of Tommy Wiseau (The Room), Neil Breen just might be the one. There really isn’t much in the way of a coherent plot- he is blackmailing governments so that he doesn’t unleash a biological attack on Las Vegas, or something. The movie continually goes back to similar scenes to Neil working on his multiple lap tops at a time, and he has a secret force fields, because… Just because.

There are several unrelated scenes and many characters that are only in one scene with no mention of them before or after. I don’t understand it, but then again I don’t understand how to control the stock market, control elections, or shut down power grids for entire city. These things are only understood by super geniuses like Neil Breen.

Viewing Date: Aug 18, 2022

Starring: John Stamos

Plot: A top secret Agent is murdered, so his estranged son, a high school gymnast, teams up with his dad’s attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him, and now plans a major terrorist attack.

Rules

• “Stargrove”
• Gene Simmons giving someone the finger
• John Stamos (Stargrove) doing gymnastic moves
• Mad Max motorcycles
• RAM-K

Quotes

• “Fork over some RAM-K, bitch, or I’ll tenderize your butt!”
• “Trade a wet kiss for this?”
• “Name’s not scumbag, it’s Stargrove. Lance Stargrove.”
• “Hey you Japanese fruit fly.”

Viewer Quotes

• “She’s a 49er fan. Those are definitely 49er colors.”
• “Look… he got another apple! He’s not getting the hint.”
• “I think the fire blaster is probably going to come in handy.”
• “He fingered himself… and a gymnastics move! That’s a double!”

What We Learned

• You can lead a double life with just a wig and fake beard.
• With the right computer disk you can pump toxic waste directly into the water supply.
• A fingernail knife is a great way to kill someone.

Final Take

This was a strange movie. There was some James Bond, quite a bit of Mad Max, some weird 9.5 weeks shit, a little Goonies, and then some Gymkata. It was a strange mix of crap and it really didn’t mesh well. The whole premise didn’t make a whole lot of sense, so be prepared to be lost for a while. That said, it was entertaining, and seeing Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite villain was memorable.

Viewing Date: June 23, 2022

Starring: Peter Fonda

Plot: Two truck drivers fight off thugs who have been hired to drive them out of business.

Rules

• “Smokey”
• Trucker lingo
• “Iron Duke”
• Subtitles show as “Inaudible”

Quotes

• “Oh boy. Oh boy. Get in here Monkey.”
• “Like you always say, it’s your mouth. You can haul coal in it if you want.”
• “Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.”
• “There’s that beaver!”

Viewer Quotes

• “She’s a part-time busty trucker”
• “Wasn’t he supposed to be a stunt cyclist? Why is he never riding a motorcycle?”

What We Learned

• Trucker movies might be too slow to watch on Bad Movie Thursday
• Ultimately we learned nothing from this movie

Final Take

This was a slow movie. It was a learning experience. Note to self… avoid trucker movies from the late 70’s in future Bad Movie Thursdays.

Viewing Date: 6/2/22

Starring: Lara Rossi, Vladimir Burlakov, Kit Dale, Tom Green

Plot: Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity – or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shapeshifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs (via IMDB)

Rules

• Dinosaurs
• Moon / Moonquake
• References to Apple products
• “Vril” / “Vril ya”

Quotes

• “Let’s make Earth great again”
• “Take out your PowerPoint, I’m going to dictate some slides.”
• “When I find you, I will dip your head in a bucket of shit!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Seems like it had a decent budget!”
• “Almost seems like a normal movie”.

What We Learned

• There are moon quakes- and lots of them.
• Moon God is Steve Jobs.
• The Earth is hollow
• Vril live forever
• Nokia 3310 phones are the best piece of technology ever invented.

Final Take

Meets expectations, so for a bad movie that’s a decent endorsement. Plenty of pop culture and political satire. As the viewer quotes indicate, the CGI and effects, are better than expected. Its been a while since we watched the first one, which I think was better than this, but when you’re making movies about Nazis on the moon, there’s only so many ways to amplify I guess…