19
Aug
22

Never Too Young To Die

Viewing Date: Aug 18, 2022

Starring: John Stamos

Plot: A top secret Agent is murdered, so his estranged son, a high school gymnast, teams up with his dad’s attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him, and now plans a major terrorist attack.

Rules

  • “Stargrove”
  • Gene Simmons giving someone the finger
  • John Stamos (Stargrove) doing gymnastic moves
  • Mad Max motorcycles
  • RAM-K

Quotes

  • “Fork over some RAM-K, bitch, or I’ll tenderize your butt!”
  • “Trade a wet kiss for this?”
  • “Name’s not scumbag, it’s Stargrove. Lance Stargrove.”
  • “Hey you Japanese fruit fly.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “She’s a 49er fan. Those are definitely 49er colors.”
  • “Look… he got another apple! He’s not getting the hint.”
  • “I think the fire blaster is probably going to come in handy.”
  • “He fingered himself… and a gymnastics move! That’s a double!”

What We Learned

  • You can lead a double life with just a wig and fake beard.
  • With the right computer disk you can pump toxic waste directly into the water supply.
  • A fingernail knife is a great way to kill someone.

Final Take

This was a strange movie. There was some James Bond, quite a bit of Mad Max, some weird 9.5 weeks shit, a little Goonies, and then some Gymkata. It was a strange mix of crap and it really didn’t mesh well. The whole premise didn’t make a whole lot of sense, so be prepared to be lost for a while. That said, it was entertaining, and seeing Gene Simmons as a hermaphrodite villain was memorable.


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