Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: Feb 17, 2022

Starring: Rowdy Roddy Piper, Julius LeFlore, Sandahl Bergman

Plot: After a worldwide nuclear war, where 68% of the male population was wiped out and virile men becoming a rarity, Sam Hell, a scavenger and a highly virile man, is assigned to help rescue a group of fertile women kidnapped by humanoid frogs (via IMDB).

Rules

• “Frogtown”
• References to sterility
• Something happen to Hell’s junk
• Spangle touches her earring
• Sam Hell impregnates somebody

Quotes

• “She’s never brushed her teeth.”
• “There’s a flap.” “It monitors your physio-sexual condition.”
• “Get in Stud!”
• “You know, you’re one weird dude.” – one eyed frog man with chainsaw

What We Learned

• High sperm count is due to eating a lot of fiber
• Rowdy Roddy Piper needs to be romanced
• Frog people’s currency is called ‘Lilies’.
• Rowdy Roddy Piper can tame a feral woman with his virility
• RRP is buried in Tigard, Oregon (RIP).

Final Take

How did we watch hundreds of terrible movies for 15+ years and not come across this absolute gem before now? We have gone through so many bad movie lists and have watched most of the top choices, but feel it is an absolute shame that this one wasn’t included on them.

This movie has so many elements of the perfect bad movie:

• B list actor
• Hilarious dialogue and plot
• Nudity
• Violence
• Mutant frog people

Rowdy Roddy Piper gives a great performance as the only man with the virility to save the human race by impregnating as many women as possible- somehow most of the fertile women have been captured by an evil mutant frogman with 3 penises. If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will. Bottom line, we thoroughly enjoyed this one. It is an instant Bad Movie Thursday classic.

Date Watched: 1/20/2022

Starring: Only Chuck Norris

Plot: Two Chicago cops (Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels) investigate a murder until they encounter an ancient demon.

Rules

• Biblical References
• Chuck’s round house kicks (or kicks in general)
• “Prosatanos”
• “Shatter” (Advanced)
• Jackson talks about food

Quotes

• “Oh Shit! His heart’s gone!” – “No it’s not, it’s right there.”
• “Hey Frank, do you want to go back to Chicago and play good cop/bad cop with our pimps and hookers?”
• “Eat this!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Chuck Norris plays the role of ‘Consatanos’ in this one.”
• “He’d better roundhouse kick someone soon, I swear.”
• “What has Prosatanos been doing this past 40 years? Not building a massive army of followers and growing his power, just hanging out in Chicago sleeping with hookers.”

Things We Learned

• The devil (or demon spawn) is named Todd
• Throwing a heart at Chuck Norris is a great way to introduce yourself.
• Chuck Norris would steal money from his own partner.

Final Take: This movie started out really well, but faded quite a bit in the middle. There were almost no Chuck Norris round-house kicks through most of the movie, which seems like a real waste of talent. That said, it has a memorable villain and does tie it all up with a decent ending, but all in all it’s a fairly forgettable Norris affair.

Viewing Date: 1/6/22

Starring: Kip Nevin, Roz Kelly, Chris Wallace

Plot

New Year’s Eve is on it’s way and TV’s most famous punk-rock lady icon Diane Sullivan is holding a late hour countdown celebration of music and partying. All is going well until Diane receives a phone call from a odd sounding stranger announcing on live Television that when New Year’s strikes in each time zone, a ‘Naughty Girl’ will be murdered (punished), and the killer leaves a threat saying she will be the one to die last. The studio crew takes precautions and heighten security, but when the East Coast hits midnight, a hospital nurse is found brutally butchered. Who could be behind these murders? A crazed fan, a religious psychotic, or perhaps it’s someone much closer to Diane then the police (or audience) could have ever expected. (via IMDB, with corrections)

Rules

• A call into the radio station
• Punks acting disorderly
• Say “New Year’s Eve” or “New Year’s Evil”
• Switchblade or switchcomb
• A new genre of music is played

Quotes

• “I always come well equipped.” “I’ll bet you do…”
• “It was a real swinger.”
• “I can hear your heart beating. I don’t like that.”

What We Learned

• The best way to start your first shift on a new job is with a bottle of champagne
• Transandental Meditation gets rid of nervous diarrhea
• When a girl doesn’t have a date on New Year’s Eve, she’s in shit city.
• You can kill someone with a big bag of weed
• Police uniforms were highly adjustable in the 80’s

Final Take

It’s always a roll of the dice when attempting holiday-themed bad movies. No surprise, but the genre the most often attempts the holiday bad movies (Hallmark Channel Christmas movies aside), is horror.

New Year’s Evil might be considered an 80’s horror classic by some (not many though- it is 14% on rotten tomatoes). The twist at the end wasn’t that much of a twist, and we could see the son would come into play from the constant rejection by his mother, but the “killing at each time zone” was an interesting device and the disguises and effort by the killer / husband added to the enjoyment. Not a great movie, but over the top enough with terrible acting and absurd twists made it fun. Need to call out specifically the part of the movie where the killer disguised himself as a priest, and then careless instigates a chase / fight with a biker gang.

Viewing Date: 11/18/21

Starring: No one. Seriously- IMDB lists all actors in alphabetical order, so no one really gets top billing.

Plot: A family of cannibalistic pilgrims attacks a restaurant that stays open for Thanksgiving.

Rules

• Thanksgiving tropes
• “Thanksgiving”
• WTF moments (plenty of them, so use this at your discretion)
• Lisa Marie acting bitchy

Quotes

• “Everyone called my Sharty Metabernackle!”
• “See food… Get it?!”
• “The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.” “You’re not black.” “Is that what that means?”
• “All I’m good at is being a nasty bitch.”

What We Learned

• If your sandwich needs more flavor, cut yourself and add blood
• Adams family values is the best Thanksgiving movie
• Nothing is more American than cannibalism

Final Take

Tis the season for holiday themed movies, and there aren’t many Thanksgiving horror movies, so we need to dig deep (already watched all the Thankskillings, etc). Premise is straight forward- a family of cannibals searches for people that aren’t respecting (?) Thanksgiving values each year and murders and eats them. I’m not sure how much they actually abide by this- so if the employees at the restaurant actually want to be with their families to celebrate, would they let them go? I realize I’m overthinking this- its just a thin premise to explain the cannibalistic behavior. Some funny, cringy moments, but otherwise exactly what you’d expect.

Date Watched: 10/21/2021

Starring: Adriana Barazza, Richard Brake

Plot: In the Barrio of Oak Springs live a strong and stubborn group of elderly friends who refuse to be gentrified. Their leader, Lupita, keeps them together as a community, a family. But little did they know, their beloved Bingo hall is about to be sold to a much more powerful force than money itself.

Rules

• Bingoisms
• “Oak Springs”
• The Goop

Quotes

• “And for your information, I prefer store-bought to this liquid cat shit.”
• “Welcome to Oak Springs, motherfucker!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is this a horror movie or is this an old woman’s barber shop?”

Things We Learned

• The devil operates through bingo halls.
• The devil is filled with green goop.
• You don’t fuck with Oak Springs
• You can kill the devil by burning money.

Final Take: This movie was a slow burn. It was a long buildup to a few ultra-violent scenes. It did not make bingo look any classier. There was a bit of a message about consumerism and gambling that didn’t quite lend itself to light-hearted drinking and laughing, but overall it was memorable. And the rules worked out pretty well.

Viewing Date: Sep 30, 2021

Starring: Dolph Lundgren (who also wrote and directed), Kateri Walker, Chelsea Ricketts, Matthew Tompkins

Plot

A lone biker rides into town in the aftermath of the death of his good friend J.J. Once there Ryder discovers that his friend didn’t die but was murdered by a local businessman who would let nothing stand in the way of his plans to build a state of the art casino on Indian reservation land. On a mission of justice Ryder confronts and defeats Reno and his men in a tour de force show down where the one (Ryder) vanquishes the many. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Native American references
• Bible (reference, Dolph reading it, etc)
• “Boss”
• Sheriff drinks from flask
• “Reno”

Quotes

• “They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”
• “She was meant to call me Jeff but she was so drunk with a busted jaw… that it came out Jarfe. She died moments later.”

“They drowned someone in the river- if you know what I mean.”

Viewer Quotes

• “She wants to get Dolphed”
• “That looks fun. I’d like to throw some incendiary grenades in a boat.”

What We Learned

• Dolph drinks a tequila with no lime and no salt.
• The ancestors told of a man from the North who would save them- and that man was Dolph Lundgren
• Dolph is the savior

Final Take

An enjoyable Dolph Lundren written and directed piece which is a retelling of Pale Rider- or maybe Ghost Rider from the comics (avenging spirit who rides a motorcycle). Some good action, cartoonish bad guys who run the town (think Road House), and a lot of killing. Jarfe was a good character, but should have known better to get into the war with Dolph based on his initial interaction with the clownish crime boss, John Reno. Look for it on amazon Prime!