Archive Page 26

17
Jan
14

Amazons and Gladiators

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Amazon women, Creepy Kids, Uncategorized and Washed up actors
Tags: ,

Image

Date Watched: 1/16/2014

Starring: Patrick Bergin, Dick Norton, Nichole Hiltz

Plot

The worst child actor ever grows up to become an amazon whose assets allow her to carry a movie despite the stilted dialog and awful fight sequences.  At some point she remembers that a Roman general killed her mom and is compelled to seek her revenge.

Rules

  • Anachronistic crap
  • “Amazon”
  • “Crassius”
  • Armor boobs
  • Terrible Acting <advanced rule>
  • Gladiator combat
  • “Zenobia”

Quotes

  • “Keep your eyes soft”
  • “Slow down.  You’re going to lose your precision.”
  • “You fought well today.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  You deserve some pampering.”
  • “Yes, get rid of her.  She annoys me.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This child actor is terrible.  I wouldn’t watch her in community theater!”
  • “That guy’s got a toga boner.”
  • “I like the armor suit boobs.”
  • “She’s going to put her on her back and carry her in.”
  • “Do they migrate around?  Is that why they live in such a shanty village?”
  • “Ewww.  This is excruciating . I’m getting the nasty tingles.  Like I’m watching something wrong.
  • “She’s on tire tracks!”
  • “This is ridiculous.  This guy couldn’t be any more evil.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a secret camp of amazons outside Rome.
  • Amazons have custom made boob armor.
  • Romans have British, Australian, and American accents.
  • Hourglasses were used in Ancient rome to time gladiatorial matches

Final take

This movie started out pretty unwatchable.  The child actor playing the young lead is so painful to watch that I mostly couldn’t look at the screen.  But then she grows up and becomes much easier to look at.  That pretty much saved the movie.  Barely.  It’s not great.  The dialog is awkward.  The fight scenes are pretty terrible, and the main villain has some kind of facial tick that ends up coming off as pretty distracting.  To top it off there’s a weird sex scene between the main actress (age 22), and a 55 year old man.  Gross.  To sum up, all 55 year old men will like this movie.  Most others should probably think twice.

03
Jan
14

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity, Puppets and Spin-off or sequel

ghoulies3

Viewing Date: Jan 2, 2014

Plot

A “Ghoulies” comic book is found in a frat house bathroom. The comic secretly holds powers over three lost Ghoulies that are imprisoned within its pages. They are soon released by Professor Ragnar who uses them in an attempt to stop ‘Prank Week’ where frats play tricks on each other for a tinfoil crown. Skip Carter and his frat house of party animals are destined to take back the crown but he is having problems with his girlfriend who is dating his arch rival, Jeremy. When Jeremy frames Skip, resulting in his expulsion, the Ghoulies are sent to kill Skip and any other frats that stand in their way.  (from IMDB)

Starring: Puppets, a guy that looks like James Spader and a girl that was on “All My Children” and Matthew Lillard.

Rules

  • Xylophone
  • “Prank” or pranks being committed
  • Bubbling toilets
  • Human hands with the puppets

Quotes

“She’ll do anything for a buck!”  “I didn’t know it was a stag party.”  “She had too much elk-ahol.” (all about a topless girl with a taxidermy deer head stuck on her head).

“It smells like there’s something screwy going on!”

“What a foul-smelling bag of puke!”

“I think it’s time we nailed Skippy Carter!”

“I’m sporting half a chubby.”

“I haven’t pulled a yank in days.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oops!  I have a boner.”

Things We Learned

  • If a closet full of clothes falls on you, you emerge fully clothed.
  • College in the 80’s was AWESOME!
  • College girls wash all their panties together.
  • The best way to ruin a college girls’ wardrobe is to steal her panties.
  • Getting a plunger stuck to your face will kill you.
  • You cannot be powerful without evil.

Final Take

This movie was stealing a page from the classic T&A college movies of the 80’s- when everything revolved around absurd college parties and “pranks”.  Only difference was this movie has some terrible puppets thrown in for comedy relief.  There is no gore, and really no scares, the puppets are just a plot device for the hero to overcome to win back the girl’s trust.  I’m not complaining- it was plenty entertaining this way.

27
Dec
13

Resident Evil: Retribution

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Image

Date Watched: 12/26/2013

Starring: Mila Jovovovich, Michelle Rodriguez

 Plot:  Alice fights alongside a resistance movement in the continuing battle against the Umbrella Corporation and the undead.

Rules

  • Gratuitous 3d
  • Umbrella Corporation mention or showing of the symbol
  • Face monster appears
  • Combat Flips

Quotes

  • “Project Alice: Who do you work for?”
  • “What is all this?  Why is everything in Russian?  And what’s with the S & M getup?”
  • “Congratulations.  You’re officially a badass.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “These zombies are from a zombie’s nightmare”
  • “A zombie army with machine guns!”
  • “Is she a copy?” – “That’s the question!”
  • “Yeah!  Russian zombie with a chainsaw!”
  • “Why does she sign if she can hear and talk?” – “Maybe she’s a defecive copy.”
  • “Zombie doing a wheelie!”
  • “These russian zombies are the primo versions.”
  • “Maybe in 2d it looks better.”
  • “This chick and her buddhist palm of death!”
  • “Just because you save a girl’s life does not mean you instantly get into her panties.”

What We Learned

  • One punch can stop the heart.
  • Michelle Rodriguez is still a bitch.
  • Somebody found a way to make a movie where Michelle Rodriguez can be killed more than once, much to the audience’s amusement.
  • Characters are more sympathetic when they have to use sign language, even if they can both speak and hear. 
22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Cyborgs, God Awful, Gory, In Space, Spin-off or sequel and Uncategorized

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.

15
Nov
13

John Dies At The End

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Mutants and Time Travel

Image

Date Watched: 11/14/13

Starring; John, Paul Giamatti

Plot: 

A new street drug that sends its users across time and dimensions has one drawback: some people return as no longer human. Can two college dropouts save humankind from this silent, otherworldly invasion?

Rules

  • Something transforms
  • “Marconi”
  • Time travel crap
  • Gets a call from John
  • “Soy Sauce”

Quotes

  • <Door handle turns into a penis> “That door cannot be opened!”
  • “You’ve got my attention, Mr. Wong.”
  • “My hat smells like lubricant!  Camel…Holocaust.” <song>
  • “My uncle lost his foot in his riding mower, says he could still feel it.  What’s that called?  Fantasy leg situation, something like that?”
  • “You’ve obviously been blessed with supernatural gifts, and what better way to use them than to fish for free beer at high school parties?”
  • “Are you familiar with the saying I want to shoot you so bad my dick’s hard?”
  • “When you hear a song on the radio, where is the song?”
  • “Are we going to the mall, or coming back from it?” –  “Going to” –  “That’s right, cause Fred’s still alive.” –  “What?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s got a turkey head!”  “This is pretty awesome!”
  • “If a mustache is a drink, this is the most ridiculous drink ever!”

What We Learned

  • People with supernatural powers use them to fish for free beer at high school parties.
  • Hell creatures can only be seen out of the corner of your eye or when you’re drunk or stoned.

Final Take

Weird.  Pretty damn weird.  But I really liked it.  It was enjoyable from beginning to end.  The main characters did a good job and were pretty likable.  Don’t expect a lot of it to make sense, and don’t expect to like it enough to watch it again until it does.  I may watch it again some time, though.  That is rarely the case, and that says a lot.

19
Oct
13

Ninja Cheerleaders

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Ninjas

ninja cheerleaders
Viewing Date: 10/17/2013

Plot

Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown (from IMDB).

Starring

George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella

Rules

  • Boner alert
  • Groan inducing dialogue
  • Transition cut scenes with boobs
  • Ball crunching / nut-cracking sounds
  • “Uh-huh”, “Gross”, “Nuh-uh” (Any Valley Girl colloquialisms)
  • “Kenji”

Quotes

“He’s sweet in a lock-your-doors, mace-in-hand, don’t-be-alone-with-him kind of way.”

“Say you have tiny balls.” “I have tiny balls!” “Say it like you mean it!”

“Hey pretty princess!”

“Looking at five million years of evolution.  It’s….”  “Rewarding?”

“We’re talking about the mob, not a couple of drunken sailors.”

“What do you know?  Obviously you’ve never run a crime family.”

Viewer Quotes

“Man…  Their cheerleading uniforms don’t even match.”

“Just donkey punch him.”

“Look at his phone! It’s not plugged in to anything.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a $50K strip-off, and you don’t even have to take your clothes off to win.
  • It’s not frowned upon to take high school students from your karate studio and have them work in your strip club.
  • Cheerleaders can dance and cheer in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the game and no one will mind.
  • Ninjas are taught the ancient art of “ball crunching”.

Final Take

You get exactly what you expect in a movie about three cheerleader ninjas (the actresses are closer to 30 than 20) who have to save their Sensei (George Takei) from the mob.  Why does the mob kidnap the Sensei?  Because the mob family used to own the dojo / ninja studio building.  That’s it- not out of revenge or any motive, he just wants the building.  Did I mention that Sensei also runs runs the local strip club where he employs his students?  But that’s perfectly acceptable, because he just wants to help them make enough money to go to an Ivy League school.  The acting, editing and camera work is all as bad as can be expected, but the sound stands out as being particularly awful.  This movie would have been much better if it were more gratuitous.

11
Oct
13

Eliminators

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cyborgs, Hillbillies and Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.

20
Sep
13

The Plague

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Creepy Kids, Postapocalyptic and Washed up actors

The-Plague-dvd

Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

13
Sep
13

Arena

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

arena_1989_poster_01

Date: 9/12/2013

Starring: Jar Jar Binks, Space Dracula, aliens from the Star Wars cantina

Plot: An intergalactic fighting competition between champions of various worlds has traditionally been won by a species much larger and stronger than humans. Entering the contest, a human finds he has to battle against not just his opponents and his self-doubts, but the corrupt system.

Rules

  • Victory in the arena
  • Rip-off from Star Wars or Star Trek
  • Every time 4 arms has to make use of his weird extra arms.
  • Shorty references some stupid planet
  • “Steve Armstrong”

Quotes

  • “Your crib has been folded.”
  • “Hey what happened?” – “An Earthling, that’s what happened.” <alien frog voice>
  • “It is obvious that no human being can compete.  That’s what’s being proven here tonight.”
  • “Save it for the fans.  No point in giving away what the public will pay for.”
  • “As long as there are Steve Armstrongs out there in the world, there will be contenders!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He hit him with his third arm.”
  • “He’s got his brain showing.”
  • “Look at this guy.  He looks like a garbage pail kid.”
  • “That dude looks like Admiral Akbar on Meth!”
  • “That’s pretty nice gear he’s got on.  Nice sports bra.”
  • “This is just random words and tones thrown together.”
  • “Those two are an item.  They have the grossest sex in the universe.  Dirty, furtive sex.”
  • “That was short, even by montage standards.”

What We Learned

  • Earthlings are terrible fighters in the arena.  There hasn’t been a human champion for 50 years.
  • There are no decent entertainers in space.
  • There are no two of any alien race on the Arena space station.
  • Crystalplex cures blood poison.
  • The space station snack bar owner is the most power man on the station.
  • Future fighting standards in space aren’t that high.
  • Aliens have the most generic english names that stem from their descriptive features.

Final Take: 

06
Sep
13

Ski School (1991)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Nudity and Rules

ski school

Date: 9/5/13

Starring: Dean Cameron

Plot:

Rival ski instructors at a prestigious mountain school compete to save their jobs. The infamous “Section Eight”, a popular group of skiing partiers are up against some rich stiffs whose only thought is beating their arch rivals in the annual spring pageant (From IMDB).

Rules:

Ski jumping – sick air

Drinking

Whistler references

Say “Montana”

Awesome guitar riffs

People saying things at the same time

Crack a beer

Say “Party”

Quotes:

“Level  8?  What is this lawn bowling?  Cmon’!!!.”

“This is not my film, my men are not homosexuals.”

“That Champaign, it looks expensive.”

“Way to make that homo stuff work for us.”

“Ed, it’s not how far you go, it’s how go you far.”

“I’ve lost far too many brain cells to understand that one.”

“Anybody got a problem with that?  …no? …. Then let’s get naked!”

Viewer Quotes:

“The guy from Montana is the dreamiest guy, just like in real life.”

“He really can’t tell that’s a dude?”

“She’s playing twister by herself?”

Things we learned:

It’s totally cool to use a grappling hook to take out fellow skiers on the course.

You can talk to people in their sleep and they’ll do whatever you say.

You can run a ski school, and you don’t even need to teach anybody anything.

If you are ever disqualified from a race, just bring a lot of beer and you’ll get back in.

The best skiers wear neon.

Final thoughts:

It was quite enjoyable.  Very nonsensical late 80’s/early 90’s movie, where it comes to down to some silly ski race to decide who takes the mountain, even though it really doesn’t matter at all.  The person who buys the mountain would have done so either way.  It was a perfect movie for 13 year olds – boobs, ski jumps, and partying.  I greatly look forward to the sequel.  Peyton Manning threw for 7 TD’s tonight, but I’d much rather watch this movie.

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