Archive Page 26

08
Feb
14

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Rules and Spin-off or sequel

Conan the Destroyer

 

Date Watched: 1/9/2014

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlin

Plot:

The wandering barbarian, Conan, alongside his goofy rogue pal, Malak, are tasked with escorting Queen Taramis’ virgin niece, Princess Jehnna and her bodyguard, Bombaata, to a mystical island fortress. They must retrieve a magical crystal that legends say can awaken the god of dreams, Dagoth. Along the way, Conan reunites with the wise wizard, Akiro and befriends the fierce female fighter, Zula. Together the heroes face ancient traps, powerful Wizards, plots of betrayal, and even the dream god, Dagoth, himself! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Beheadings
  • Limbs chopped off
  • Say Cimmerian
  • Whip sounds
  • Feats of strength
  • Punching animals
  • Wizard performs magic

Advanced rule:

Say Bombaata

Quotes:

“You’re afraid of magic… and you will have to deal with it.”

“What good are swords against magic?”

“She must be a virgin when she’s returned to me… so she can be properly sacrificed.”

“I suppose nothing hurts you… only pain.”

“If you really want a man, you must join.  I mean how do you think flowers grow.”

“The girl’s destiny is to deliver a horn.”

“Every king has a fool.”  Response – “Oh, do I qualify?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, did he just punch the horse?”

“What, he now just knocked out a camel!!!”

“Did he just say that you’ll touch the chest of a hairy man?”

“Could you imagine being on set in 1984 when this was being shot with Arnold, Grace Jones, and Wilt Chamberlin?  The coke fueled orgies!  I wonder if there is a documentary of this?”

 

Things We Learned:

Conan really hates animals and likes to punch them at each open opportunity.

Olivia d’Abo in the movie is the cousin of Maryam d’Abo and way hot in 1984.  She was also in the Wonder Years and yet another example of Kevin’s craziness that he would choose the ugly mongoose Winny Cooper over this hot tamale.

 

Final Take:

This is a prime example of a Bob Barker movie, in that the sequel has been vastly neutered from the original to secure a lower film rating.  (Ie Robocop is “R” and then Robocop 3 is “PG-13”.  Police Academy is “R”, Police Academy 2 “PG-13”, Police Academy 3 “PG”.  etc.)  Why do studios insist on doing this?  This never ends well, as maybe more kids can see the movie, but the final product is as watered down as a gin and tonic at a Chili’s in Provo, Utah.

So, Conan is back, but it’s a different genre.  Gone are the boobies and blood and instead we get family entertainment.  Conan should be deflowering virgins, not protecting them.

There is a lot of ridiculous wizardry and animal punching, so I would still give a BMT recommendation.

08
Feb
14

Gymkata (1985)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Rules and Uncategorized

Gymkata

Date Watched: 10/24/13

Starring: Kurt Thomas

Plot:

Johnathan Cabot is a champion gymnast. In the tiny, yet savage, country of Parmistan, there is a perfect spot for a “star wars” site. For the US to get this site, they must compete in the brutal “Game”. The government calls on Cabot, the son of a former operative, to win the game. Cabot must combine his gymnastics skills of the west with fighting secrets of the east and form GYMKATA! (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Kicks using gymnastics equipment
  • Dismounts
  • Say “Star Wars”
  • Unnecessary gymnastic moves

Quotes:

“No outsider has ever won the game in over 900 years.”

“Just a little Anti-American sentiment… aaarggggh!”

“Its not over yet, so put your hardware back in your pants.”

Viewer Quotes:

“She doesn’t speak… some might say the perfect woman.”

“The Asian woman is taller than him.  That’s not a good sign.”

“His whole life he came up short, no pun intended.”

“Is this the most dangerous game?”

“Gymkata is the currency of nations.”

Things we learned:

Small towns and villages often have gymnastics apparatus as part of their downtown décor to aid in the kicking of bad guys.

Final take:

An 80’s hidden classic.  There is really no reason for this movie to have been made, and it shows!  Bad plotting, bad acting, silly action set pieces – aka the perfect Bad Movie Thursday movie.  I would encourage anyone who comes across this little gem to grab a case of Rainier Ice, sit back, and enjoy.  Extra points if you watch the entire movie with the sound off and “You’re the best” from the Karate Kid playing on repeat in the background.

17
Jan
14

Amazons and Gladiators

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Amazon women, Creepy Kids, Uncategorized and Washed up actors
Tags: ,

Image

Date Watched: 1/16/2014

Starring: Patrick Bergin, Dick Norton, Nichole Hiltz

Plot

The worst child actor ever grows up to become an amazon whose assets allow her to carry a movie despite the stilted dialog and awful fight sequences.  At some point she remembers that a Roman general killed her mom and is compelled to seek her revenge.

Rules

  • Anachronistic crap
  • “Amazon”
  • “Crassius”
  • Armor boobs
  • Terrible Acting <advanced rule>
  • Gladiator combat
  • “Zenobia”

Quotes

  • “Keep your eyes soft”
  • “Slow down.  You’re going to lose your precision.”
  • “You fought well today.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  You deserve some pampering.”
  • “Yes, get rid of her.  She annoys me.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This child actor is terrible.  I wouldn’t watch her in community theater!”
  • “That guy’s got a toga boner.”
  • “I like the armor suit boobs.”
  • “She’s going to put her on her back and carry her in.”
  • “Do they migrate around?  Is that why they live in such a shanty village?”
  • “Ewww.  This is excruciating . I’m getting the nasty tingles.  Like I’m watching something wrong.
  • “She’s on tire tracks!”
  • “This is ridiculous.  This guy couldn’t be any more evil.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a secret camp of amazons outside Rome.
  • Amazons have custom made boob armor.
  • Romans have British, Australian, and American accents.
  • Hourglasses were used in Ancient rome to time gladiatorial matches

Final take

This movie started out pretty unwatchable.  The child actor playing the young lead is so painful to watch that I mostly couldn’t look at the screen.  But then she grows up and becomes much easier to look at.  That pretty much saved the movie.  Barely.  It’s not great.  The dialog is awkward.  The fight scenes are pretty terrible, and the main villain has some kind of facial tick that ends up coming off as pretty distracting.  To top it off there’s a weird sex scene between the main actress (age 22), and a 55 year old man.  Gross.  To sum up, all 55 year old men will like this movie.  Most others should probably think twice.

03
Jan
14

Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity, Puppets and Spin-off or sequel

ghoulies3

Viewing Date: Jan 2, 2014

Plot

A “Ghoulies” comic book is found in a frat house bathroom. The comic secretly holds powers over three lost Ghoulies that are imprisoned within its pages. They are soon released by Professor Ragnar who uses them in an attempt to stop ‘Prank Week’ where frats play tricks on each other for a tinfoil crown. Skip Carter and his frat house of party animals are destined to take back the crown but he is having problems with his girlfriend who is dating his arch rival, Jeremy. When Jeremy frames Skip, resulting in his expulsion, the Ghoulies are sent to kill Skip and any other frats that stand in their way.  (from IMDB)

Starring: Puppets, a guy that looks like James Spader and a girl that was on “All My Children” and Matthew Lillard.

Rules

  • Xylophone
  • “Prank” or pranks being committed
  • Bubbling toilets
  • Human hands with the puppets

Quotes

“She’ll do anything for a buck!”  “I didn’t know it was a stag party.”  “She had too much elk-ahol.” (all about a topless girl with a taxidermy deer head stuck on her head).

“It smells like there’s something screwy going on!”

“What a foul-smelling bag of puke!”

“I think it’s time we nailed Skippy Carter!”

“I’m sporting half a chubby.”

“I haven’t pulled a yank in days.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oops!  I have a boner.”

Things We Learned

  • If a closet full of clothes falls on you, you emerge fully clothed.
  • College in the 80’s was AWESOME!
  • College girls wash all their panties together.
  • The best way to ruin a college girls’ wardrobe is to steal her panties.
  • Getting a plunger stuck to your face will kill you.
  • You cannot be powerful without evil.

Final Take

This movie was stealing a page from the classic T&A college movies of the 80’s- when everything revolved around absurd college parties and “pranks”.  Only difference was this movie has some terrible puppets thrown in for comedy relief.  There is no gore, and really no scares, the puppets are just a plot device for the hero to overcome to win back the girl’s trust.  I’m not complaining- it was plenty entertaining this way.

27
Dec
13

Resident Evil: Retribution

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Image

Date Watched: 12/26/2013

Starring: Mila Jovovovich, Michelle Rodriguez

 Plot:  Alice fights alongside a resistance movement in the continuing battle against the Umbrella Corporation and the undead.

Rules

  • Gratuitous 3d
  • Umbrella Corporation mention or showing of the symbol
  • Face monster appears
  • Combat Flips

Quotes

  • “Project Alice: Who do you work for?”
  • “What is all this?  Why is everything in Russian?  And what’s with the S & M getup?”
  • “Congratulations.  You’re officially a badass.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “These zombies are from a zombie’s nightmare”
  • “A zombie army with machine guns!”
  • “Is she a copy?” – “That’s the question!”
  • “Yeah!  Russian zombie with a chainsaw!”
  • “Why does she sign if she can hear and talk?” – “Maybe she’s a defecive copy.”
  • “Zombie doing a wheelie!”
  • “These russian zombies are the primo versions.”
  • “Maybe in 2d it looks better.”
  • “This chick and her buddhist palm of death!”
  • “Just because you save a girl’s life does not mean you instantly get into her panties.”

What We Learned

  • One punch can stop the heart.
  • Michelle Rodriguez is still a bitch.
  • Somebody found a way to make a movie where Michelle Rodriguez can be killed more than once, much to the audience’s amusement.
  • Characters are more sympathetic when they have to use sign language, even if they can both speak and hear. 
22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Cyborgs, God Awful, Gory, In Space, Spin-off or sequel and Uncategorized

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.

15
Nov
13

John Dies At The End

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Categories: Mutants and Time Travel

Image

Date Watched: 11/14/13

Starring; John, Paul Giamatti

Plot: 

A new street drug that sends its users across time and dimensions has one drawback: some people return as no longer human. Can two college dropouts save humankind from this silent, otherworldly invasion?

Rules

  • Something transforms
  • “Marconi”
  • Time travel crap
  • Gets a call from John
  • “Soy Sauce”

Quotes

  • <Door handle turns into a penis> “That door cannot be opened!”
  • “You’ve got my attention, Mr. Wong.”
  • “My hat smells like lubricant!  Camel…Holocaust.” <song>
  • “My uncle lost his foot in his riding mower, says he could still feel it.  What’s that called?  Fantasy leg situation, something like that?”
  • “You’ve obviously been blessed with supernatural gifts, and what better way to use them than to fish for free beer at high school parties?”
  • “Are you familiar with the saying I want to shoot you so bad my dick’s hard?”
  • “When you hear a song on the radio, where is the song?”
  • “Are we going to the mall, or coming back from it?” –  “Going to” –  “That’s right, cause Fred’s still alive.” –  “What?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s got a turkey head!”  “This is pretty awesome!”
  • “If a mustache is a drink, this is the most ridiculous drink ever!”

What We Learned

  • People with supernatural powers use them to fish for free beer at high school parties.
  • Hell creatures can only be seen out of the corner of your eye or when you’re drunk or stoned.

Final Take

Weird.  Pretty damn weird.  But I really liked it.  It was enjoyable from beginning to end.  The main characters did a good job and were pretty likable.  Don’t expect a lot of it to make sense, and don’t expect to like it enough to watch it again until it does.  I may watch it again some time, though.  That is rarely the case, and that says a lot.

19
Oct
13

Ninja Cheerleaders

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Ninjas

ninja cheerleaders
Viewing Date: 10/17/2013

Plot

Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown (from IMDB).

Starring

George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella

Rules

  • Boner alert
  • Groan inducing dialogue
  • Transition cut scenes with boobs
  • Ball crunching / nut-cracking sounds
  • “Uh-huh”, “Gross”, “Nuh-uh” (Any Valley Girl colloquialisms)
  • “Kenji”

Quotes

“He’s sweet in a lock-your-doors, mace-in-hand, don’t-be-alone-with-him kind of way.”

“Say you have tiny balls.” “I have tiny balls!” “Say it like you mean it!”

“Hey pretty princess!”

“Looking at five million years of evolution.  It’s….”  “Rewarding?”

“We’re talking about the mob, not a couple of drunken sailors.”

“What do you know?  Obviously you’ve never run a crime family.”

Viewer Quotes

“Man…  Their cheerleading uniforms don’t even match.”

“Just donkey punch him.”

“Look at his phone! It’s not plugged in to anything.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a $50K strip-off, and you don’t even have to take your clothes off to win.
  • It’s not frowned upon to take high school students from your karate studio and have them work in your strip club.
  • Cheerleaders can dance and cheer in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the game and no one will mind.
  • Ninjas are taught the ancient art of “ball crunching”.

Final Take

You get exactly what you expect in a movie about three cheerleader ninjas (the actresses are closer to 30 than 20) who have to save their Sensei (George Takei) from the mob.  Why does the mob kidnap the Sensei?  Because the mob family used to own the dojo / ninja studio building.  That’s it- not out of revenge or any motive, he just wants the building.  Did I mention that Sensei also runs runs the local strip club where he employs his students?  But that’s perfectly acceptable, because he just wants to help them make enough money to go to an Ivy League school.  The acting, editing and camera work is all as bad as can be expected, but the sound stands out as being particularly awful.  This movie would have been much better if it were more gratuitous.

11
Oct
13

Eliminators

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cyborgs, Hillbillies and Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.

20
Sep
13

The Plague

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Creepy Kids, Postapocalyptic and Washed up actors

The-Plague-dvd

Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

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