Bad Movie Thursday

Date: 9/12/2013

Starring: Jar Jar Binks, Space Dracula, aliens from the Star Wars cantina

Plot: An intergalactic fighting competition between champions of various worlds has traditionally been won by a species much larger and stronger than humans. Entering the contest, a human finds he has to battle against not just his opponents and his self-doubts, but the corrupt system.

Rules

• Victory in the arena
• Rip-off from Star Wars or Star Trek
• Every time 4 arms has to make use of his weird extra arms.
• Shorty references some stupid planet
• “Steve Armstrong”

Quotes

• “Your crib has been folded.”
• “Hey what happened?” – “An Earthling, that’s what happened.” <alien frog voice>
• “It is obvious that no human being can compete.  That’s what’s being proven here tonight.”
• “Save it for the fans.  No point in giving away what the public will pay for.”
• “As long as there are Steve Armstrongs out there in the world, there will be contenders!”

Viewer Quotes

• “He hit him with his third arm.”
• “He’s got his brain showing.”
• “Look at this guy.  He looks like a garbage pail kid.”
• “That dude looks like Admiral Akbar on Meth!”
• “That’s pretty nice gear he’s got on.  Nice sports bra.”
• “This is just random words and tones thrown together.”
• “Those two are an item.  They have the grossest sex in the universe.  Dirty, furtive sex.”
• “That was short, even by montage standards.”

What We Learned

• Earthlings are terrible fighters in the arena.  There hasn’t been a human champion for 50 years.
• There are no decent entertainers in space.
• There are no two of any alien race on the Arena space station.
• Crystalplex cures blood poison.
• The space station snack bar owner is the most power man on the station.
• Future fighting standards in space aren’t that high.
• Aliens have the most generic english names that stem from their descriptive features.

Final Take: 

Date: 8/22/2013

Starring: Carrie Fisher, Al from Quantum Leap, and a bunch of Englishmen.

Plot 

In the distant future, the human race nears extinction.  Only the hardiest of people, Australians, have survived.  They live in a city that can apparently travel through time, propelled by the shear power of Al from Quantum Leap’s acting prowess.  Pursuing them through time are weird cyborg creatures.  There is no reason for these cyborg creatures to relentlessly chase them through time and space, only their apparent hatred of all things Aussie.

Rules

• References to other Sci Fi Movies
• “Spin”
• Australian colloquialisms, “Mate”, “Crikey”, “Reckon”, “G’day”
• Stupid future outfits (at your discretion)
• Terrible quality music
• “Time”
• “Jendiki”

Quotes

•  “These aren’t plumbers you can bribe to get your bathroom fixed overnight, lady.  They kill to live.”
• “Triangulate the time spheres.”
• “I come from the future.  From a city that travels in time.  It can land in any time zone.”
• “He was a … what do you cal it .., feral child?”
• “Ballard, the time guardian, has run out of time.”

Viewer Quotes

•  “This music is so terrible.  It’s like video game music.”
• “Is this 1988?  Why does that guy look like an old prospector?”
• “These are such practical outfits.  Sawblades around the head.”
• “This is 2000 years in the future.  Why is shit so similar?”
• “Is the Coors Light train coming through?”
• “Princess Leia is a 20th century expert?”
• “They’re finding some kind of spheres?  What are these spheres?  Why haven’t we heard of them before?”
• “Where did these time spheres come from?”
• “Ballard’s got a Charlie Sheen haircut.”
• “What’s the deal with this guy?  Is he the world’s biggest asshole?”  –  “Pretty much.  He peed his pants and now he’s reading comics.”
• “That’s an adidas time sphere.”
• “Even Carrie Fisher’s shirt has healed.”

Things We Learned

• You can pull guns out of broken time spheres – but there is a cost.
• Aborigines are in touch with time guardians.
• There’s some kind of connection between the confederate south and Australia.
• Lawmen in Australia are the most evil, corrupt people in the country.
• Time Travelling cities need a flat piece of land to warp to.  Prairies or other naturally flat landscapes do not work.  They must flatten the land by hand and with earth movers.
• Australia is a hotspot for time travelers.

Final Take 

What do you get when you cross Star Wars, Star Trek, Terminator, Mad Max, and Quantum Leap?  Kind of a mess.  This movie was mildly entertaining at times, but mostly hard to follow.  There’s no explanation for why these cyborgs are trying to chase this city through time.  If they have all of time and space at their command, isn’t there room enough for the both of them?  Not according to the cyborgs.  Also, the leading actors in the movie, Al from Quantum Leap and Carrie Fisher, have probably 10 minutes of screen time.  That’s a big red flag.  All in all, it’s probably not worth going out your way to see.