Posts Tagged ‘zombies

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

27
Dec
13

Resident Evil: Retribution

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Date Watched: 12/26/2013

Starring: Mila Jovovovich, Michelle Rodriguez

 Plot:  Alice fights alongside a resistance movement in the continuing battle against the Umbrella Corporation and the undead.

Rules

  • Gratuitous 3d
  • Umbrella Corporation mention or showing of the symbol
  • Face monster appears
  • Combat Flips

Quotes

  • “Project Alice: Who do you work for?”
  • “What is all this?  Why is everything in Russian?  And what’s with the S & M getup?”
  • “Congratulations.  You’re officially a badass.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “These zombies are from a zombie’s nightmare”
  • “A zombie army with machine guns!”
  • “Is she a copy?” – “That’s the question!”
  • “Yeah!  Russian zombie with a chainsaw!”
  • “Why does she sign if she can hear and talk?” – “Maybe she’s a defecive copy.”
  • “Zombie doing a wheelie!”
  • “These russian zombies are the primo versions.”
  • “Maybe in 2d it looks better.”
  • “This chick and her buddhist palm of death!”
  • “Just because you save a girl’s life does not mean you instantly get into her panties.”

What We Learned

  • One punch can stop the heart.
  • Michelle Rodriguez is still a bitch.
  • Somebody found a way to make a movie where Michelle Rodriguez can be killed more than once, much to the audience’s amusement.
  • Characters are more sympathetic when they have to use sign language, even if they can both speak and hear. 
24
Aug
12

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)

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Plot:

While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead. *Note – all undead are from the south.

Starring Sean Penn (allegedly)

Rules:

  • “Operation Shanty”
  • Decapitations
  • “Mr. Brown”
  • Historical figure references from out of nowhere.

Quotes:

  • “Zombies?!  That sounds like slave talk to me, sir!”
  • “Emancipate this!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that supposed to be Benjamin Franklin?”
  • “Why is he the only one moving in slow motion?”
  • “How are they going to get anywhere, walking like they’re walking?”
  • “Why didn’t he bring soldiers instead of this troupe of gentlemen?”
  • “Didn’t he tell these dudes what they were in for first?”
  • “Is he really named Brown?  Was this made in 2012?”
  • “Bam!  What can Brown do for you?”
  • “Why is this guy being such a douche to Lincoln when he’s the one that’s been saving their bacon?”
  • “Why didn’t he just jump to the side of that train?  Why run along the tracks?”
  • “Why do they keep leaving the fort?  They just keep losing people every time they leave!”
  • “I hear it went well?  They lost almost everyone that went with them!”
  • “Whores and no boobs?  Come on…”

What We Learned:

  • Abraham Lincoln led his own poorly run special missions with ill-informed untrained gentlemen. 
  • Lincoln’s mother was a zombie.
  • Abraham Lincoln has poor taste in women and nearly married a whore.
  • Abraham Lincoln always uses the back door.
  • Teddy Roosevelt got the quote “Walk softly and carry a big stick” from Lincoln.
  • People from the south are completely unreasonable.  They will not even make peace with the north long enough to destroy the zombies in their fort. 
  • Every plan should involve ziplines.



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