19
Oct
13

Ninja Cheerleaders

ninja cheerleaders
Viewing Date: 10/17/2013

Plot

Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown (from IMDB).

Starring

George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella

Rules

  • Boner alert
  • Groan inducing dialogue
  • Transition cut scenes with boobs
  • Ball crunching / nut-cracking sounds
  • “Uh-huh”, “Gross”, “Nuh-uh” (Any Valley Girl colloquialisms)
  • “Kenji”

Quotes

“He’s sweet in a lock-your-doors, mace-in-hand, don’t-be-alone-with-him kind of way.”

“Say you have tiny balls.” “I have tiny balls!” “Say it like you mean it!”

“Hey pretty princess!”

“Looking at five million years of evolution.  It’s….”  “Rewarding?”

“We’re talking about the mob, not a couple of drunken sailors.”

“What do you know?  Obviously you’ve never run a crime family.”

Viewer Quotes

“Man…  Their cheerleading uniforms don’t even match.”

“Just donkey punch him.”

“Look at his phone! It’s not plugged in to anything.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a $50K strip-off, and you don’t even have to take your clothes off to win.
  • It’s not frowned upon to take high school students from your karate studio and have them work in your strip club.
  • Cheerleaders can dance and cheer in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the game and no one will mind.
  • Ninjas are taught the ancient art of “ball crunching”.

Final Take

You get exactly what you expect in a movie about three cheerleader ninjas (the actresses are closer to 30 than 20) who have to save their Sensei (George Takei) from the mob.  Why does the mob kidnap the Sensei?  Because the mob family used to own the dojo / ninja studio building.  That’s it- not out of revenge or any motive, he just wants the building.  Did I mention that Sensei also runs runs the local strip club where he employs his students?  But that’s perfectly acceptable, because he just wants to help them make enough money to go to an Ivy League school.  The acting, editing and camera work is all as bad as can be expected, but the sound stands out as being particularly awful.  This movie would have been much better if it were more gratuitous.

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