Starring: A guy who does Speed Stick commercials, the girl from The Flash, and a bit of C. Thomas Howell
Plot: A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Show Dandy Donuts sign
Donuts eating someone
Quotes:
“Please never enter my lair when my door is locked.”
“Damn that acid is kicking in.”
While having sex… “You’re the clam in my chowder baby.”
“You’re not remotely disturbed by the fact that I just hit this guy with my car at 60 miles an hour, he survived, looked like a zombie, then shat his guts out, glowing green radioactive shit, in case you guys missed that part, before plopping over and dropping dead?”
“Ball on fire man! Ball on fire!”
“Just give us enough pink stuff to kill the donuts.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Why is this scene happening at all?”
“Getting eaten by a donut… it’s a terrible way to go.”
Things We Learned:
Donuts have a random eject button from the fryer, and the donuts come out fully glazed.
Donuts can drive a car.
Final Thought:
It was ok. It definitely owes a lot to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. So, it’s got that going for it. It also has C. Thomas Howell, which is another bonus. But it doesn’t really go over the top with the potential it has.
Starring: There was apparently a dude from Teen Wolf.
Plot: Santa turns into a Werewolf on Christmas Eve.
Rules:
General Britisisms
Say “Happy Christmas”
Disembowelments
Quotes:
“He’s in a band called I Piss on Your Soul.”
“Oh my God, I saw a penis.”
“Rupert, go deep throat an ice cream cone.”
“Rupert, I can feel when the camera is on my arse.”
“I have a dead tramp’s eyeball on my car.”
Viewer quotes:
“Why are they in a haunted house?”
“I’ve forgotten this movie as we’re literally watching it.”
“This is how I want to go out… screaming at my daughter asking her to kill me.”
Things We Learned:
You have to do something in your life to earn having bright red hair.
Santa has a cheap crappy sleigh.
Doggers are couples who like swinging in the woods.
If you kill the alpha werewolf first, then all the others will turn back.
Final Take:
Between the bubble machine that randomly shoots bubbles to look like snow and Santa’s sleigh that looks like a cardboard box with a dollar store set of Xmas lights on it, this movie really spares all expense. It wasn’t terrible, but there are some scenes with not much going on that brings everything to a crawl. I wouldn’t say I’d avoid it, but I can’t recommend it either.
Starring: Amy Mackie, Brendan Nelson, Tony Greer, yeah, no one you would recognize.
Plot: In 1986 Northern California, Olive Oyl, her brother Castor and friends, go on a camping trip to see the meteor shower with Halley’s comet. But the night turns into horror as a meteor transforms Popeye, into a unstoppable killing machine. (via IMDB)
“Someone killed Steve! They ripped off his head… and shit down his neck!”
“Here’s to your Willy Peter!”
What We Learned
There is a connection between Popeye and Halley’s Comet for some reason.
Don’t smoke meteorite rocks.
Indiscriminate meteorites are just as deadly as a psychopathic killer
You can use a meteorite to power a giant saw blade attached to your arm.
Final Take
Since Popeye recently entered the ‘public domain’ (anyone can freely use the character without copyright or trademark infringement), this is one of many horror movies released this year trying to capitalize on it. The issue I have with it is that it seems like the whole Popeye element seems to be shoehorned into an already existing idea / script about how the appearance of Haley’s Comet in the 80’s somehow resulted in horrific consequences. One of those consequences just happened to be transforming a sailor into a murderous freak with super strength, and the main heroine is named Olive Oyl. In the end, the Popeye element really wasn’t used to full potential and wasn’t even really necessary- but I suppose we wouldn’t have selected this movie otherwise. There were some ridiculous kills, and some funny scenes and dialogue, but the Popeye monster should have been more fun and leaned into some of the expected tropes associated with the classic character.
Here’s hoping the other exploitative Popeye movies are more entertaining.
Plot: Mistaken for his character Ash from the ‘Evil Dead’ trilogy, Bruce Campbell is forced to fight a real monster in a small Oregon town. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Bruce Campbell”
References to old Bruce movies
Say “Quan Di”
Quotes:
“I love beer”
“Light me, don’t fight me”
“Liquor please!”
“Oh hey, a MILF is a MILF”
“Sleep with the scorpions, bitch!”
Viewer Quotes:
“Did Bruce Campbell write this for himself?”
“Is this movie just a rip-off of Three Amigos?”
Things We Learned:
In Oregon people are always eating bean curd.
Final Take:
This was a mixed bag. There’s definitely some funny parts, and Bruce Campbell is endlessly watchable, but it’s really hit or miss. If you like BC, then you’ll likely find this enjoyable if not memorable. For anyone else, I’d likely skip it.
Starring: Devon Sawa (aka guy from Final Destination and Idle Hands but older now), Michael Jai White, Bruce Campbell, Ivana Baquero, Seth Green’s voice
Plot:
A group of toy store employees must protect each other from a horde of parasite infected shoppers. (From IMDb)
Rules:
Jump scares
Say “Toys”
Say “Green Friday”
Quotes:
“Bathroom… I’m parking a Buick man.”
“No one gives a flying f$ck about your training or plaques Anita.”
“You park that Buick?”
“That’s some dark sh$t man.”
“My ears hurt from listening to Air Supply 50,000 times.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Didn’t that actor have a moment in Final Destination and Idle Hands?”
“Anita gets it (aka dies), and I couldn’t be happier.”
“I like Ruth.”
Things We Learned:
Washing your hands at work in a toy store is cause to be fired.
There’s always enough time to have one more beer.
Final Take:
Likable cast, decent, not super memorable. This one definitely isn’t a classic BMT, and I had to watch the trailer again on IMDB to even remember it. I think we enjoyed it for what it was, which is a bad holiday movie. I think they needed to add a bit more humor. I don’t have many quotes captured, and I don’t think I missed a lot. Bruce Campbell was good in a side role.
Fun Facts: This movie was based on a discarded 1994 Power Rangers script. Also, Seth Green randomly appears as a voice in this movie. He previously costarred with Devon Sawa in Idle Hands.
Somewhere in an apocalyptic future, where the rich live underground and the poor are left to fend for themselves on the surface by forming gangs, corrupt members of an underground security force plot to destroy the surface. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Lazers
Say “TCU”
Say “breaker”
Have fights for no reason
Billy Blanks does the splits
Quotes:
“Back to surface world for you chump.”
While she’s dying… “You said we’d be partners forever.”
“You want to see the sights.. you got to pay the price.”
Viewer Quotes:
“This looks like a movie made by stuntmen for stuntmen.”
“Can we drink for Billy Blanks haircut as well?”
“Are we to assume that their clothes are made of rat?” (Note: They have fur on them. Hence the rat comment.)
Things We Learned:
In the future, crooks attack the cops on ziplines.
You punch through a clown to hit the guy behind him.
Picassos sleep during the day.
The best way to kill a man is to scratch him like a cat.
Final Take:
This was pretty good. It brought back a lot of memories watching Billy Blanks and thinking about his Tae Bo workouts. The visuals and plot are totally throw away 90’s straight to video style. Having Bolo Yeung involved is always a plus too.
Starring: Paul Hipp, Martha Quinn, Robert Factor, Blue Oyster Cult (?!)
Plot
An Alien (Cosmo) and his robot (Lump) land in a small town and promptly takes over the local radio station. The disk jockey, Dan O’ Dare, well known for his publicity stunts, becomes a hostage. The alien uses the radio station and Dan’s amused audience to target and subsequently shrink women for his collection, after the women picture themselves as starring in a music video. (via IMDB & wikipedia)
Rules
66 or 666
Electrical anomolies
Alien Robot antics
Music videos (several done by Blue Oyster Cult, apparently)
Fungus related activities
Quotes
“This son of a bitch is crazier than a tree full of owls!”
(viewer quote) “Corky’s the best thing about this movie!”
(viewer quote) “We need to add ‘Touching Myself Again’ to the official Bad Movie Thursday Soundtrack.”
What We Learned
New radio stations regularly cause electrical problems & power surges
Disinfectant kills aliens
Nobody cares about Bunny.
Final Take
Nothing special, but had a few fun parts and kept moving the nonsense along. Highlights were the music videos and enjoyably terrible music, which was nice considering this was a nod to MTV culture of that era.
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Vivica A Fox, Dude from 30 Rock
Plot: Fin has to go back in time to rejoin his shark-battling friends to stop the first Sharknado and save humanity. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “time”
Callbacks to previous Sharknado movies that we don’t remember
Say “Sharknado”
Dee Snider quotes one of his songs or other cameos that the character makes a reference to themselves
Talking about needing speed
Quotes:
“Welcome to prehistoric times.”
“I’ve actually been eaten and pooped out by a lot of dinosaurs.”
“First time ever on a pterodactyl?”
“These are the same drawings that are at Stonehenge.”
Dee Snider: “I think I know who’s twisted Mister.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Is that the guy from 30 Rock?”
“This movie is… something else.”
“OMG that is Deana Troy.”
“C’mon, you’re better than this Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
“If I could get a chainsaw sword for Christmas, I would be pretty delighted.”
Things We Learned:
You can only go back in time once.
One of the consequences of travelling in time is changing sexes and then not remembering.
20,000 years in the future all people are Tara Reid
Final Take:
Well, if you’ve made it through five other Sharknado movies, then you kind of know what you’re getting into with number six. I can’t say that this one is better or worse than the others, because I have little to no memory of them. They all provide a decent BMT experience, and they all are immediately forgettable. I think we’re kind of glad to be done with this series. Wait, what’s that you say? Ian Ziering and the makers of Sharknado created another movie called “Zombie Tidal Wave”? Darn, I guess we kind of have to see that at some point. 🙂
Starring: Neil Breen, Klara Landrat, Jennifer Autry
Plot: A small boy discovers a mystical power as a child, then is separated from his childhood girlfriend. He grows up to be an acclaimed novelist and also a computer scientist who hacks into the most secret national and international secrets. His childhood discovery gives him amazing paranormal powers. He is reunited with the childhood girlfriend, mystically, on his hospital deathbed–as his relationship with his current drug-addict girlfriend is deteriorating. As passions build among the threesome, mystical, psychiatric, and worldly forces rise to prevent him from revealing the hacked secrets. He attempts to reveal all in a large press conference in Washington, D.C. with ‘fateful,’ dangerous consequences. (via IMDB, possibly written by… Neil Breen?)
Rules
Humble Brag
Clutching the black stone
Weird shots of feet and legs
Multiple laptops in one shot
Neil Breen naked / partially naked
Magic book
Ghost ‘stuff’
Therapists
Quotes
“They have no idea…”
“I never thought to look at the name on the chest” (Doctor speaking to her patient)
“I knew I was in love with you when we were walking in the forest and found the black cube.”
Viewer Quotes
“Throwing books. No! Too many rules already!”
“What is this ghost business?”
What We Learned
You still need to take someone’s pulse by their wrist, even if they have all kinds of medical equipment hooked up.
Neil Breen and friends eat decorative fruit baskets for dinner
Always a good idea to wipe blood on your face if given the opportunity.
When the reckoning comes for the secret cabal, they all commit suicide in different, creative ways.
Your childhood crush when you were 8 years old carries a much stronger bond / love than your wife of many years.
Final Take
Yep, its another Neil Breen movie. I actually think this was more enjoyable than Double Down- a tiny bit more coherent and apparently a remake of that earlier movie (although you wouldn’t know if Neil Breen didn’t tell you). Not quite as much repetition or Neil Breen doing crazy things solo, in the desert for half the movie. This is described as a ‘paranormal thriller’, which makes about as much sense as anything that happens in the movie from start to end. There is a terrible CGI “ghost” that appears occasionally and the magic black rock / cube, but I wouldn’t classify either of those things as thrilling. At least the movie ends on a high note, that (of course) has little to do with any of the movie up to this point, and does not deal with any of the relationships between the characters in the movie- Neil Breen was actually hacking into computer systems, exposing evil Cabals (don’t recall what they were doing, other than being evil), which led to mass suicide by all of these bad actors. Enjoyable as long as you know what you’re getting into.
Plot: An evil ninja attempts to avenge his death from beyond the grave, by possessing an innocent woman’s body. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Ninja weapons
Superhero Ninja Things
80s callbacks to other movies
Floating swords
Christie dancing
Quotes:
“You got this to kill a cop with or something?”
“I don’t have any coffee in my apartment, but I have some v8 juice. Would you like to take me home?”
“I am a ninja!”
Viewer Quotes:
“I remember my mom did jazzercise at the rec center.”
“There’s nothing sexy about v8.”
“She’s going to call 187 demon ninja.”
“He’s so hairy. He looks like Gollum. He should take his sweater off.”
Things we learned:
Ninjas can crush golf balls and pool balls with their hands.
Ninjas can dig holes like a gopher.
Only a ninja can destroy a ninja.
Final Take:
Wow, there’s a lot to take in, and I mean that as a compliment! This is a very odd, silly, stupid, ridiculous movie that is incredibly enjoyable to watch. I would highly recommend this piece as pure BMT “art”.
Bad Movie Thursday 