Plot: A kindly old grandfather is actually the leader of a murderous satanic cult which sacrifices its victims on Halloween. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Jack-O-Lantern”
Halloween cliches
Showing ASL “I love you” sign
Product placement
Flashbacks
Quotes:
“Your hand is so cold…” said while grabbing a dead man’s hand by mistake while making out at a cemetery on top of a freshly dug grave and not realizing it.
“The power is the blood!”
To a cop: “Sometime when you’re off duty, I’d love to pull your trigger.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Are these credits over… nope. Wow, these are long.”
“Is this the pumpkin man?”
“Is this a Bollywood movie about Halloween?”
“Is that girl a salad?” (About a girl wearing a salad hat costume.)
“That standup comedian was the worst.”
Things We Learned:
The best way home is right through the cemetery.
Final Take:
This is a solid crappy Halloween movie. There’s a lot going on from the “kindly” grandfather to literally one of the worst stand up comics I’ve ever seen. Highly bizarre and highly watchable… it’s worth checking out.
Starring: Bruce Campbell and the bad guy from Goonies and License to Kill
Plot: A supernatural, maniac killer cop teams up with a Times Square serial killer. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Product placement
Someone says maniac or psycho (or crazy or nuts or lunatic)
Trash on the street
Replaying scenes from first movie
Quotes:
“So, you can take your Carl Jeung and Sigmund Freud and shove them up your ass.”
“This whole city is freaking out about this maniac cop.”
“Who the f$ck are you? Barbara Walters?”
Viewer Quotes:
“How dare this movie try and take itself seriously?”
Things We Learned:
You have to speak to a maniac cop in order to positively identify him.
Maniac Cop makes friends with low level criminals and stripper killers.
Maniac Cop doesn’t need to open doors. He just walks through them.
Final Take:
The challenge here is that we thought that this sequel would be crazier and more over the top than the original. Instead, this movie takes itself seriously, and it doesn’t quite live up to it’s potential. There’s no reason for a movie about a Maniac Cop to ground itself with believability and with solid character actors putting in reputable performances. The action is good, and the stunts are fantastic.
Starring: Eric Allan Kramer, Margaret Lenzey, Donald O’Brien
Plot: Once upon a time a god gave a mighty sword to the king of Aquiles to bring justice to his people. Now he wants it back – but the king rather gives his life than the sword. Goddess Dehamira, who spoke for him, is being taken all her privileges and banned in a circle of fire, until a human arrives who’s strong enough to free her. When prince Ator becomes 18, he gets the sword from the mean sorcerer gnome Grindl, to free Dehamira and his people. On his journey he has to fight against dragons and other fantastic figures. (via IMDB)
Rules
Troll 2 Mask
Characters running!
Crow: “Caw!”
Birds
Face touching
Quotes
“Was he rubbing a balloon on his hair earlier?” (viewer)
“The first impression is the one that counts”
What We Learned
Thorn is king of the gods
Death and beauty are unsuitable companions
If you need to kill yourself, the reasonable thing to do is to hand your child off to an evil goblin magician to be raised.
Anyone can repair a broken sword in a minutes.
Final Take
Believe it or not, this is the fourth movie in the ‘Ator’ series of low budget, sword and sorcery movies from the 80’s. Yes, it was bad, but in a lot less fun way than Iron Warrior (not to mention a pretty loose connection overall with that movie). Apparently this movie’s primary claim to fame is the re-use of masks from the iconic bad movie “Troll 2”. There were some hilarious monsters and action, but overall pretty boring story of the 18-going-on-35 warrior ‘Ator’ questing around the country side with Dejanira and his thief friend, with the conclusion centered around an evil king and his sister who’s ultimate goals are to marry / seduce Dejanira and Ator. Maybe they should just get some of the magic roofies that the goblin used on Ator’s mother… I honestly don’t even remember where we landed with Thorn, the angry king of gods that wanted his sword back.
We’ve certainly seen a lot worse, but the director should have quit while he was ahead after Iron Warrior.
Plot: An evil ninja attempts to avenge his death from beyond the grave, by possessing an innocent woman’s body. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Ninja weapons
Superhero Ninja Things
80s callbacks to other movies
Floating swords
Christie dancing
Quotes:
“You got this to kill a cop with or something?”
“I don’t have any coffee in my apartment, but I have some v8 juice. Would you like to take me home?”
“I am a ninja!”
Viewer Quotes:
“I remember my mom did jazzercise at the rec center.”
“There’s nothing sexy about v8.”
“She’s going to call 187 demon ninja.”
“He’s so hairy. He looks like Gollum. He should take his sweater off.”
Things we learned:
Ninjas can crush golf balls and pool balls with their hands.
Ninjas can dig holes like a gopher.
Only a ninja can destroy a ninja.
Final Take:
Wow, there’s a lot to take in, and I mean that as a compliment! This is a very odd, silly, stupid, ridiculous movie that is incredibly enjoyable to watch. I would highly recommend this piece as pure BMT “art”.
Starring: Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, Dona Speir, Bruce Penhall
Plot: Juan Degas is the Jack of Diamonds, a nefarious armsmonger who intends to smuggle a big quantity of a new state-of-the-art weapon into America through Hawaii. In order to do so, Degas desperately needs to come up with a clever scheme to get out of his way the Agents who threaten the success of his plans. With the intention to liquidate both L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, Degas’ assassins manage to engage them in a dangerous, fast-paced chase that will eventually lead them to Las Vegas, thousands of miles away. However, when Degas’ men abduct Donna’s mother, it will be his biggest mistake because, from that point on, things are about to get personal. Hungry for revenge, Donna armed with a devastating rocket launcher, she will have to go through stealthy ninja assassins and radio-controlled scale boats loaded with explosives to protect her family. (via IMDB)
Rules
Gambling references
Hawaiian Landmarks
Cross Dressing
Different “moods” of music (requires subtitles on)
Remote control vehicles
Quotes
“Restaurant owner by day, secret agent by night”
“Baking bread to busting heads.”
“Don’t just do something. Stand there!”
“That mother is a bitch.” “That bitch is my mother.”
“That’s what’s known as a plan” (mansplaining)
“You know the type. Loose hips, wet lips.”
“Hiyah my ass!”
Viewer Quotes
“You’re going in a little aggressive dude.” “He’s the Jack of Diamonds.”
What We Learned
Getting busy on a motorcycle is a good time.
If you’re a secret agent, you need a side hustle– but note they can widely vary in level of responsibility (run a hotel on the Las Vegas strip or be a stripper)
Reflections in a mirror can be very confusing to tell which person is real- even if the person is standing right in the doorway (let’s not even consider the angles and mirrors required to create such an “illusion”).
♫ Don’t play with guns, they aren’t much fun. ♫
Bud light and a grenade is the best way to kill a magician.
Hit men are into cross-dressing
Final Take
Andy Sidaris movies have really become our go-to when we don’t have anything in mind and can’t quickly find something through Amazon Prime. You know exactly what you’re getting with a Sidaris movie, but for Bad Movie Thursday, that is a good thing: gratuitous nudity, a mind-numbingly stupid plot, remote control vehicles, decent entertaining action sequences with explosions, and bad (but quotable) dialogue. I can’t really say if this one was any better or worse than any of the other Sidaris movies (same basic plot, same actors, etc, but Guns does have the bonus of featuring Bad Movie Thursday Hall-of-Famer Danny Trejo, and Erik Estrada. But we had a good time, laughed quite a bit, and no one fell asleep (not even Marcella), so this one can be considered a winner.
Starring: Some 40 years as college students, an exotic dancer, and maybe some 20 year olds
Plot: A group of college students attending a Christmas party at a sorority house that has a sinister past are stalked by a bloodthirsty killer disguised as Mrs. Claus. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Anything Greek related
Deaths
Christmas clichés
Quotes:
“You won’t be going home for Christmas.”
“I pray that this Christmas fills you with anguish.”
“Ho, ho, ho… hoes.”
“Are you really going to light up with officer snoopy tits snooping around?”
“How much lube do you put on your pussy bro?”
Viewer Quotes:
“Is this the best they could do for sorority girls?”
“This frat party actually looks like my office party.”
Things we learned:
Dildos are not the best Christmas gifts for sorority girls.
Final Take:
In terms of the movie name and our expectations, we were catfished and regifted this hunk of coal. It really had nothing to do with Mrs. Claus, and the mask could have been anything. There were a few decent kill shots for the size of the budget.
Starring: People who are in a lot of terrible movies.
Plot: A group of Christian teens visit the Happy Day Bible Camp, where in 1977 an earlier group of teens were punished for their sinful behavior by a sadistic nun. (From IMDB)
Rules:
70’s or 80’s references
References to sex
Closed Caption says “crickets chirping”
Character says “Sister Mary Chopper”
Quotes:
“We should probably go for guys that look like Jesus.”
“I’ll bet Sylvester Stallone has a big cannoli.”
“Back door’s always open for Jesus baby.”
“Bambi, you’re going to need to lick my rusty star fish.”
“At bible camp they don’t really sing about licking nuts though.”
“That bush counts I think.”
“My grandmother called them Tallywackers.”
“Everybody just grab a loose weiner.”
Things we learned:
Kids at Bible Camp are actually in their 40’s.
Toothless inbreds don’t take kindly to out of towners.
Tad is rad.
Jesus is cool with wine coolers.
Final Take:
I personally was pretty fond of this movie, although I don’t know that the rest of the group liked it as much. It was funny and entertaining. According to IMDB, there is a sequel in the works, which I think would also make for a good BMT movie.
Plot: A cop turns vigilante after his family is murdered, exacting vengeance on the killers – and then on all criminals who have slipped through the system. (From IMDB)
Rules:
References to the state of WA
References to vigilante justice
Steve Austin shows his scars or cuts himself
Danny Trejo finds a new way to torture someone
Wrestling moves
Quotes:
“I’m not leaving until I kill something.”
“They just turned Dale Burrows into abstract art.” (response to killing the guy.)
“Kill him.” “Who?” “Everyone!”
Viewer Quotes:
“That’s what you get for not social distancing.”
“There’s no hope in Pierce County, WA.”
“Is he drinking cocaine juice?”
Things We Learned:
Danny Trejo is currently 76 years old.
Final Take: There’s not much to note on this one. I think that we had a decent time watching it, but there’s almost nothing memorable about it, except that there were some references to the state of Washington.
Starring: Thee-Eyed Raven, Kobayashi, and dude from Altered Carbon
Plot:
A ruthless mercenary renounces violence after learning his soul is bound for hell. When a young girl is kidnapped and her family slain by a sorcerer’s murderous cult, he is forced to fight and seek his redemption slaying evil. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Every time he’s unstoppable or kills two bad guys at once
Say “Solomon Kane”
Shows his scarred back
Quotes:
“Silence you dogs”
“Killing came easily to me”
About not fighting anymore… “I may just have changed my mind about that.”
“I was born here. I have no intention of going through the front gates.”
Viewer Quotes:
“He didn’t know that with their black demon eyes these guys were possessed. He must have thought it was a Vitamin C deficiency.”
“That’s a tough way to wake up from a hangover, being dragged through the mud to your own death.”
Things We Learned:
Weird underground tunnels full of demons have already lit torches.
Final Take:
Surprisingly watchable. This movie comes up continuously in our Netflix searches, but we’ve never been down to watch it, as it looks like a terrible version of Van Helsing. (Van Helsing is already terrible in itself.) So, we gave it a shot, and we were pleasantly surprised. This had decent effects and acting, and we’d give it a positive recommendation.
Starring: Sharlto Copley, Tim Roth, and you (as Henry)
Plot: Henry is resurrected from death with no memory, and he must save his wife from a telekinetic warlord with a plan to bio-engineer soldiers. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Every time they say “Henry”
Every time Henry falls down
Video game clichés
Screen glitches
Quotes:
“All you got to do is pull out his f&cking heart and eat it.”
“You’re half machine, half p&ssy.”
“Hi, I’m a f&ckin’ car baby. Lexus convertible.”
“How sweet, if I took this moment and put it in a cup of tea, I wouldn’t need sugar.”
“Put the proto baby down.”
“As my father used to say, a grenade a day keeps the doctor away.”
Viewer Quotes:
“This is all a f&cking video game.”
“Is that Mathew McConaughey?”
“That’s the way I’d want to go out… in a dance fight.”
Things we learned:
Telekinetic bad guys like to masturbate using a baseball bat.
Sharlto Copley likes drugs. A lot. And he dies a lot too.
Final Take:
It’s not a perfect movie by any means, but it is truly weird enough to recommend. The FPS (First Person Shooter) perspective can be off putting at times. In general though, there’s always something going on, and the overall strangeness and Sharlto Copley going all in on his role really makes this a pretty solid BMT flick.
Bad Movie Thursday 