Archive for the 'Gory' Category



12
Jul
14

Tamara (2005)

Tamara

 

Date Watched: 4/24/14

Starring: No One

Plot:

Tamara is a girl who didn’t quite fit in. Tamara is constantly picked on and when a couple of friends plays a joke on Tamara, it leads to her death. The friends bury her tries to make it seem that Tamara ran away. But all is not forgotten. Tamara returns as a sexy seductress and plans her revenge. (due to witchcraft). Well like they say: Karma’s a bitch. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Witch stereotypes

-Say “witchcraft”

-Say “Tamara” (which is the name of the movie and a house rule)

-VHS tapes

Quotes:

“I’ll see you later you trailer trash whore.”

“My parents are going out of town soon and it’s going to be Patrick-Palooza Five!”

“It’s Tamara… she’s alive… she just walked into class.”

“It’s getting wet… the table.”

Viewer Quotes:

“For guys using steroids they should have used actors that have bigger muscles than I do.”

“Wow, that guy owns a VCR repair shop.”

“Awesome!  I love it when they pull out a larynx, just like in Roudhouse.”

Things We Learned:

-VHS tapes are still very much used and they even have VCR repair shops.

-Steroids can be highly ineffective, as shown by the skinny weaklings that take them in this movie

Final Take:

This movie was surprisingly well done.  There was some real tension in some of the scenes, and I can’t really say that in many BMT movies.  I would have thought that the director would have gone to do something after this movie other than some Disney dance videos.  There must be a witch that cast a spell on him and took away his career.

12
Jul
14

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

A Cadaver Christmas

Date Watched: 3/6/2014

Starring: No One

Plot:

United by terrifying and bizarre circumstances, the janitor, the drunk, the bartender, the cop, his perp, and the student security guard must fight to undo the professor’s work. A dark force is at work in the cadaver lab this Christmas and this unconventional band of heroes are the only hope the world has against an army of living corpses that are quickly recruiting new members. The undead have been given the gift of life and it’s up to the janitor to take it back. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Zombies dressed up in Xmas attire
  • Say Cadavers
  • Christmas songs
  • Hippos
  • Every time drunk guy drinks

Quotes:

“I do love them hippos.”

“I was framed”, “Yeah, for f&&king a goat.”, “HER NAME IS BETSY, and WE’RE IN LOVE!!!”

“Step away from my perp, janitor.”

“Why don’t you talk to me?”, “I don’t talk to goat f&&kers!”, “YOU ARE A ZOMBIE!”

“You can’t just leave him here, he’s our friend now.”

“He stabbed Eddie in the neck with a desk!”

“Besides, I’m a janitor and I never leave a mess uncleaned.”

“I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking where did you get such a big rubber band?”

“Is he watching us?”  “Sort of, in the way that a deceased loved one might watch over us.”

“You really are the best friend I have… left.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Dude, this guy’s going to have sex with a corpse?”

“That guy’s not a bad actor.  I mean I don’t feel awkward watching him… and that’s something.”

Things We Learned:

-Cadavers come in shipments from UPS.

-You can kill zombies with a Xmas tree.

Final Take:

This movie was very enjoyable and a cut above your standard zombie fare.  It would be perfect to watch around Christmas time as an antidote to the typical holiday entertainment.  I’d much rather watch a zombie killed with a Christmas tree than an angel get its wings any day.

22
Nov
13

ThanksKilling 3

thankskilling-3-721x1024

Viewing Date: 11/21/2013

Starring: The Turkey Puppet

Plot

We have no idea.  It’s like a horrible fever dream.

Rules

  • Thanksgiving puns / cliches
  • Turkey says “stupid”
  • “Pluck”, “Plucking”
  • “Stuffing”
  • Techno-interludes

Quotes

“Ha, ha, ha.  Nice tits bitch.  In Space!”

“I know these types.  These bitches be in and out of prison their whole life.”

“It’s got a Gravy Train, a Yam Tram, a Maize Maze.  It’s amazing.”

“Its here guys.  My long pike came.”

“Who are these Canadians?”

“Always refrigerate your leftovers on Thanksgiving, so you can wake up on Black Friday to a delicious, cold snack.”

“Not only did the wolves get stuffing.  They got it with a side of WIFE AND CHILD!”

“The early worm gets the bird.”

“I sent that fowl packing with a gravy shot to the eye.”

“Look at that snood!”

“You’ve been sporting a fat moose apple for a while now.”

Viewer Quotes

“Oh my God.  That’s a boob.”

“Was this made by Americans or Eastern Europeans?”  “Eastern European.”

“Does that worm have a combover?  And a mustache???”

“This is just awful.  But it’s Thanksgiving…  It’s Thursday night.”  “Its barely even a movie.”

Things We Learned

  • There was no ThanksKilling 2
  • We weren’t on enough drugs (not sure there are enough in the world) to enjoy this movie
  • You can get people to fund ANYTHING on kickstarter
  • Disgusting grandmother puppets like to slob knobs
  • Robots can shoot vortexes out of their sphincters

Final Take

I’m sure it’s happened countless time throughout history: people stoned out of their minds have come up with  movie ideas that seemed like the most hilarious, fantastic thing ever conceived, but in actuality, it is just a patchwork of complete nonsense.  Most of the time, these ideas are forgotten minutes later- not this time.  The makers of ThanksKilling 3 actually followed through and made this movie.

30
Aug
13

Blood Rave / Trance

 trance-art

Viewing Date: 8/29/2013

Starring: Dominique Swain, Jeremy London, Madeline Zima (from Californication), Brea Grant (from Heroes)

Plot:  Sexy girls at a rave turn into bloodthirsty killers after taking a mysterious new drug. (from IMDB)

Rules:

  • Eyes change
  • Ravers take drugs
  • Rave interludes
  • Glowsticks
  • People getting killed

Quotes:

“What are you doing”  “I’m going to play Scrabble.”

“This is where the rich VIP are.” (as they walk through a disgusting alleyway)

“Where is everyone?” “The night is yet a screaming infant!”

“Are you like 100 thousand percent sure and positive?”

“My favorite sound?  The sound of glass on bone.”

Viewer Quotes:

 “Say something funny.  We need some viewer quotes.”  “I can’t.  There’s nothing worth talking about going on in this movie.”

“This reminds me of the time I took E in Scotland”

“‘You talk too fucking much?’ That sounds like Shelly on our first date.”

“Do you think they paid Jeremy London in money or buffett coupons?”

What We Learned:

  • Women can be weaponized (I guess we already knew this)
  • The government creates chemical weapons in the form of breath strips that not only turn the user into a murderous psychopath, but also gives superhuman strength
  • Only losers who won’t be missed by anyone go to raves (I guess we already knew this too)
  • Jeremy London has put on some serious lbs since Party of Five
  • The goverment sponsors potentially high profile chemical attacks on American teenagers 
  • If you make out with two women going by the names of ‘Sin’ and ‘Virtue’ for a long period of time, realize that eventually they are going to eat your penis
  • Movies that have multiple titles = terrible, terrible films.  Avoid at all costs.

Final Take:

Not recommended.  This movie started out very slowly and walked the line of us turning it off the whole time.  Some late gore and almost-recognizable actors attempted to redeem it, but no luck.  As mentioned in ‘what we learned’, if we can’t even find the movie on IMDB because they have retitled it, it’s probably for a reason (the producers are trying to cover their tracks).

31
May
13

The Burrowers

220px-Burrowersposter08

Date Watched: 5/30/13

Plot: A pioneer family vanishes, a search party goes a’lookin’ fer ’em.  Pretty soon, they need a search party to find the search party.  A masterpiece of the Cowboy/Carniverous Worm People genre (from xfinity).

Starring: Clancy Brown, William Mapother

Rules:

  • Burrowing (anything going in or out of holes)
  • Gratuitous mustache shots.
  • People drinking.
  • “Burrowers”
  • Predator noises

Quotes:

  • “Why do you spend so much time running that boy’s belly? He already thinks you’re Jesus Crockett.”
  • “Skinny woman.  Why don’t you just poke the boy.”
  • “I’d rather walk in the right direction than ride with my head up my ass.”
  • “Don’t you ever touch my Indian!!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Anything going in or out of holes” “Ha.  Is that a rule or a quote”  (both apparently)
  • “Meek’s Crossing is the most boring movie ever filmed.”

What We Learned:

  • Indians were called “blanket heads”
  • Burrowers were there before the white man and used to feed on the buffalo.  After the evil white man killed the buffalo, they had to find another food source.
  • It’s possible to sleep while riding a horse.
  • You need a little fish to kill burrowers.  But it’s really the sunlight that kills them.
  • Viewers of Fear.net must need Proactiv.
  • “Call within 10 minute” commercial offers apply to on-demand movies.

Final Take:

This movie had recognizable actors, a reasonable budget and a decent story, but I’d still call it a failure for bad movie thursday.  It wasn’t campy enough, and it was really tough to come up with rules or entertaining viewer quotes.  So I don’t know if that’s a put-down or an endorsement.  It had an interesting premise about the subterrenean creatures that live on the prairie and come out every three generations to feed (part Tremors, part creature from ‘Jeepers Creepers’) and the filmmakers really wanted to play up aspect of the victims being paralyzed and buried alive, but it really didn’t make sense– the creatures needed to keep them alive, because they could only consume rotten, liquified food?  What?!  Bottom line, it’s not a bad movie, but not a great movie to sit around and joke with friends about.  We probably would have been better off watching ‘Steel and Lace’.

05
Feb
13

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

the crow: wicked prayer

Date watched:  1/31/2013

Starring:  Tara Reid, Dennis Hopper, David Boreanaz, Edward Furlong, Tito Ortiz, Danny Trejo, Macy Gray

Where found:  Netflix Instant Queue

Plot:  Wicked Prayer follows Luc Crash, the charismatic gang leader of a ragtag band of Satanist bikers named after the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Luc murders Jimmy Cuervo (Furlong) and his girlfriend Lily as part of a ritual to become an immortal demon, but Luc finds that Jimmy has been transformed into the avenging spirit known at The Crow, intent on stopping Luc before he can become the Lord of the Flies.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Crows or say “Crow”

Cars with pictures or names on them

Stupid title shots

Say “Raven”

Scorpions

Flashbacks

Dennis Hopper says “shorty” or “homey”

Quotes:                    

“Blue eyed injun and a cold hearted killer.  Just what the Dr. ordered.”

“Jimmy you’re beakin’ my heart, and hearts are made to be broken”.  (He then cuts out the guy’s heart.)

“That’s the freeza my momma used to lock me up in.”

“Pestilence go down to the bar and score us some more peyote.”

“Killing is easy, forgetting is hard.”

“It’s El Niño, get it right cracker jack.”

“Kiss it bitch.”

“How is it you’re a virgin?”  Answer:  “I guess I’m just old fashioned.”

“Kiss the bride mother fucker.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Whoa, he just spun kicked the toxic chemicals.”

“Sweet ride, it’s like the General Lee but way shittier.”

“Is Edward Furlong supposed to be the good guy?  Because I hate him.”

“Was that a flash forward or a flash back?”

“So far, so terrible.”

Things we learned:

You need to dance around the crow to wake it up.

According to the filmmakers Mexicans and Native Americans look exactly the same.

Anyone can direct a movie.

Edward Furlong is the biggest loser in the town, but he can bag the hottest girl.

You can sell scorpions for $1 a piece at the local town store.

Tara Reid is a terrible actress.  (Ok, ok.  We didn’t really just learn that.)

Final Take: 

I had no clue what was happening in this movie, and it really didn’t matter.  This movie did not take itself seriously, and I didn’t either.  I didn’t buy any of the performances.  Tara Reid and David Boreanaz can’t play villains any better than Edward Furlong can play a hero.  I found myself rooting against Eddie.  Sorry dude, you may still look 15, but this isn’t T2 and it’s not 1991.  (I will say that I loved Dennis Hopper.  His 15 minutes of screen time are far and away the best of the movie.  I wish this was a film just about him.)

The original Crow was good, but the sequels not so much.  I saw that they might be developing a Crow remake.  Oh joy.  I guess as long as there are crows flying around in the sky, shitty movies will continue to be resurrected from the dead.

28
Dec
12

Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

jack frost 2

Date watched:

12/27/12

Summary: 

The Mutant Killer Snowman returns to kill more people during Christmas.

Starring:

No one

Rules:

Puns

Carrot stick rapings x2

Say “Jack Frost”

Random shots w/ snowmen in them (posters, miniature snowmen, etc)

People Die                      

Say “Captain Fun”

Quotes:

Q: “How did you stop the mutant killer snowman?” A: “With antifreeze.”

“Has the grump monster stolen your happy dust?”

“There’s something that needs a little Christmas stuffing.”

“Nice scarf, beautiful.”

“I guess not too many people believe in killer snowmen.”

“Captain Fun has a plan.”         

“Cowatunga Baby!”

“I now pronounce you, totally fuckin’ dead!”

 Viewer Quotes:                    

“Look the Village People are here.  Why are they all wearing these costumes?”

“Somehow that camera turned into a Polaroid.”

“Being hit in the face with a big wooden oar?  He’s probably fine.”

Worst viewer question ever:  “If she’s already wearing a swim suit, why does she need to take it all off to get in the pool?”

“That snowball knocked his arm off!?”

“Good thing they have a shit ton of these bananas.”

Things I learned:

You use charcoal for beach bonfires, and you can find more walking around the beach looking for it lying around.

A murderous frozen snowman can take any form – a carrot, water, an ice anvil, ice cycles, a snow globe, etc.

Humans and snowmen can cross DNA.

Snowmen give birth to snow balls that are inherently evil.

Bananas can kill snow creatures, but only if the person they cross DNA with are allergic to them.

 Snowmen can blow up heads when injested.

Final take:

This movie sucked, but in a good way.  If you are looking for a shitty holiday movie, then look no further.

02
Nov
12

Albino Farm

Viewing Date: 11/01/2012

Starring: Chris Jericho, Pig-faced girl, Tongue-O, Bat-faced Midget, Mute-boy.

Plot:

Four college students head to the Ozarks to do a project on rural culture / myths.  After ignoring multiple warnings and huge red flags (including a midget scraping roadkill, an old lady breast-feeding and the diner server having a pig hand), the kids decide to investigate the Albino Farm.  Bad idea.  The mutants are angry at the kids for trespassing, or maybe for their normal-looking faces and much killing ensues.

Rules:

  • Redneck cliches
  • “Albino”
  • Mutants
  • When you see Tongue-O’s tongue.

Quotes:

“No burgers for us.  We’ll have two cantaloupes.”

“Oh shit-farm Missy Lou!  You looking good!!”

“It’s some kind of graveyard of tree shit!”

Viewer Quotes:

“One of my biggest fears is a huge albino Chris Jericho.”

“Is that old lady breast feeding?!”

“Have we actually seen any albinos?”

“Pig girl is always one step ahead.”

What We Learned:

Play along when being held captive by mutant pig-faced girl who wants to mate with you– the alternative is worse.

There are no albinos at the albino farm– correction, there might be one.

No two mutants are alike.  Some might be mute, some might be missing a lower jaw, some might have fish-lips.  It’s basically a police line-up from a Dick Tracy comic.

The Final Word:

It’s a by-the-book teens come across a mutant community who want to kill them for some reason.  You’ve got the asshole, the slut, the exchange student and the nice girl.  Guess who lives?  Only a few kills happen and it is completely middle of the road.  The redeeming part of the movie is the mutant side show and you get what you paid for.  We’re still not sure why Chris Jericho was in this movie.

23
May
12

Hobo With A Shotgun

Image

Starring

Rutger Hauer!!! (and a shotgun)

Plot

The name says it all.  A hobo uses a shotgun to rid the world of those filthier than himself.  One of the best and most quotable Thursday movies.  Don’t plan on being very productive the next day if you’re following the advanced rules.

Rules

  • “Hobo”
  • Cocking the shotgun
  • Hobo cliches
  • Hobo weapon upgrade
  • References to bears

Quotes

  • “Let it slide.” – “The only thing I’m going to let slide is my dick in your pussy!”
  • “How many people have you killed?” – “What am I, a mathematician?”
  • “I’m going to sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight.”
  • “When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat out of razor blades.”
  • “She’s so hot, I’d eat the peanuts out of her shit!”
  • “Don’t shoot my dick off!  I got too much fucking left to do!”
  • “You can’t solve all the world’s problems with a shotgun.” – “It’s all I know.”
  • “Maybe you’ll end up like me, a hobo with a shotgun.”
  • “Get your hands off me, demons!  You’re crushing my smokes!”
  • “You and me are going on a car ride to hell.  You’re riding shotgun.”



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