Archive Page 30

10
Nov
12

The Pirate Movie

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Categories: Uncategorized

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins, some pirates.

Plot:

A parody/homage to Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, The Pirate Movie is a comedy/musical utilizing both new songs and parodies from the original, as well as references to popular films of the time, including Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. In your typical boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy fights girl with swords plot, the story revolves around Mabel, the youngest of Maj. Gen. Stanley’s many daughters, and Frederic, an ex-Pirate of Penzance. They fall in love and proceed to retrieve the Stanley’s fortune from the Pirates (stolen 20 years ago). The Pirate King informs Frederic that due to him being born on Feb. 29th (during a leap year), Frederic is still technically the King’s apprentice. Frederic must then decide between duty and honor, the only good qualities the King taught him, and true love.

Rules:

  • Sword fights
  • Songs
  • Fast Motion

Quotes:

  • “I told you chinese, but this is ridiculous!”
  • “Mabel, your goosebumps have grown!” <boobs>
  • <singing> “Pumpin’, and blowin'”

The Final Word

This is another backfill of a movie we watched a few years back.  It’s a spoof of comedy/musical The Pirates of Penzance.  I saw that play and thought it was pretty bad, so now imagine a parody of a bad musical and you’ll start to understand what you’re in for.  We only came up with three rules for it, which is an indication of how engaging it was.  Pretty boring, and pretty hard to get through.  Enjoy.

 

 

10
Nov
12

The Incredible Hulk Returns

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction, Mutants and Spin-off or sequel
Tags: , ,

Starring: Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno

Plot: 

It’s been two years since the Hulk has surfaced, and Dr David Bruce Banner is on the verge of curing himself of the Hulk. A device he helped create, the Gamma Transponder, will rid him of his own Gamma radiation, among other uses. Enter Don Blake, a former colleague of Banner’s, who is now in possession of a mystic hammer which can summon Thor, an ancient Viking warrior. When the Gamma Transponder is nearly stolen and Banner’s girlfriend is kidnapped, Banner must abandon the hope of being cured and rely on the Hulk and Thor to save the day.

Rules: 

  • Hulk Transforms
  • Hulk Flexes
  • Hulk goes through walls
  • Hulk picks up something abnormally heavy
  • Thor is summoned
  • Thor says “Oden’s Beard!”

Quotes: 

  • “Be Safe love.”   “Yeeeessssss”
  • “This is the 80’s.  I don’t know what a good cause is anymore.”
  • “When men and women ate life with shining teeth.”
  • “You look like a rat-tailed saxon to me.”
  • “You two attack the front while I engage these weasels from the rear.”

The Final Word

This was a backfill.  We originally watched this movie a few years ago and recorded it in the original Lip Log.  I don’t remember anything of this movie, if that tells you something.  Hulk gets angry, transforms, and for some reason moves in slow motion anytime he is the hulk.  I don’t even remember what Thor does.  Probably smashes things with a hammer.  View this movie at your own risk.

02
Nov
12

Albino Farm

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Gory, Hillbillies and Mutants

Viewing Date: 11/01/2012

Starring: Chris Jericho, Pig-faced girl, Tongue-O, Bat-faced Midget, Mute-boy.

Plot:

Four college students head to the Ozarks to do a project on rural culture / myths.  After ignoring multiple warnings and huge red flags (including a midget scraping roadkill, an old lady breast-feeding and the diner server having a pig hand), the kids decide to investigate the Albino Farm.  Bad idea.  The mutants are angry at the kids for trespassing, or maybe for their normal-looking faces and much killing ensues.

Rules:

  • Redneck cliches
  • “Albino”
  • Mutants
  • When you see Tongue-O’s tongue.

Quotes:

“No burgers for us.  We’ll have two cantaloupes.”

“Oh shit-farm Missy Lou!  You looking good!!”

“It’s some kind of graveyard of tree shit!”

Viewer Quotes:

“One of my biggest fears is a huge albino Chris Jericho.”

“Is that old lady breast feeding?!”

“Have we actually seen any albinos?”

“Pig girl is always one step ahead.”

What We Learned:

Play along when being held captive by mutant pig-faced girl who wants to mate with you– the alternative is worse.

There are no albinos at the albino farm– correction, there might be one.

No two mutants are alike.  Some might be mute, some might be missing a lower jaw, some might have fish-lips.  It’s basically a police line-up from a Dick Tracy comic.

The Final Word:

It’s a by-the-book teens come across a mutant community who want to kill them for some reason.  You’ve got the asshole, the slut, the exchange student and the nice girl.  Guess who lives?  Only a few kills happen and it is completely middle of the road.  The redeeming part of the movie is the mutant side show and you get what you paid for.  We’re still not sure why Chris Jericho was in this movie.

26
Oct
12

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction and Vampires
Tags: ,

Plot:

Abe Lincoln hates vampires.  He hunts them.  They have something to do with slavery.  Somehow he becomes president. The end.

Rules:

  • “Abraham”
  • Axe tricks/Axe swinging
  • Cliche Lincoln Crap (Honest, Beard, Top Hat, etc.)
  • Vampires talking about their long lives.
  • Other historical figures make an appearance.

Quotes: 

None worth mentioning.  A first!

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Lincoln is so out of place at these high-society events.”
  • “I played this game when it was Sunset Riders.”
  • “The beard of power!”
  • “The ladies called him ‘Baberaham.'”
  • “What’s with the shopkeeper acting all weird?  There’s something going on there…”
  • “This explains that silver collection campaign that actually happened during the Civil War.”

What We Learned:

  • Vampires were everywhere in pre-Civil War America.
  • Vampires long ago learned how to live in the sun.
  • Abraham had a gun axe.  Surprise!
  • Advanced vampires know Karate.
  • Vampires cannot kill their own kind.
  • Vampires fought for the South (suspected, but now we know)
05
Oct
12

The Gate

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Creepy Kids

Plot:

Three young children accidentally release a horde of nasty, pint-sized demons from a hole in a suburban backyard. What follows is a classic battle between good and evil as the three kids struggle to overcome a nightmarish hell that is literally taking over the Earth.

Rules:

  • “Glen”, “Al”, or “Terry”
  • Creatures from Hell
  • Feathered hair or flat tops

Quotes:

  • “Hey, somebody get this dog a beer!”
  • “Hey, you want to come over later and mess around?”
  • [Driving with a dead dog] “Whoa, no vacancies dude!”
  • “What are you doing?  Probably fagging off.”
  • “We have to go to the hole and do it right.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That jean jacket sucks”
  • “Perfect time for the backdoor…”
  • “This is what scared me as a kid.”
  • “Just when you thought they were out of the woods, a dead body falls out of the wall.”
  • “Someone should stab demon Terry in the eye.”
  • “The only thing this monster does is put eyeballs in your hand.”

What We Learned:

  • A model rocket can kill a demon.
  • Some combination of geodes, heavy metal, and a dog sacrifice will open hell on earth.
  • Little demons form a zombie called the working man.
  • Demons can somehow put an eye in your hand.
31
Aug
12

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Transvestites

Viewing Date: 8/30/2012

Summary: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

Starring: a bunch of Transvestites.

Rules:

Chapter Change.

Snaps

“Honey”

“Bubbles”

Quotes:

“This ain’t bridge over troubled tranny.”

“I’m sorry, but all further questions must be submitted in writing and emailed to shut the hell up dot com.”

(fart) “Oops.  ‘Scuse me.  Tacos.”

“No Boner don’t!  Stay down!”

Viewer Quotes:

“I just want to see what they look like- the nipples.”

What We Learned:

Getting hit over the head and going into a coma gives you a lisp.

 

24
Aug
12

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Image

Plot:

While the Civil War rages on, President Abraham Lincoln must undertake an even more daunting task – destroying the Confederate Undead. *Note – all undead are from the south.

Starring Sean Penn (allegedly)

Rules:

  • “Operation Shanty”
  • Decapitations
  • “Mr. Brown”
  • Historical figure references from out of nowhere.

Quotes:

  • “Zombies?!  That sounds like slave talk to me, sir!”
  • “Emancipate this!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Is that supposed to be Benjamin Franklin?”
  • “Why is he the only one moving in slow motion?”
  • “How are they going to get anywhere, walking like they’re walking?”
  • “Why didn’t he bring soldiers instead of this troupe of gentlemen?”
  • “Didn’t he tell these dudes what they were in for first?”
  • “Is he really named Brown?  Was this made in 2012?”
  • “Bam!  What can Brown do for you?”
  • “Why is this guy being such a douche to Lincoln when he’s the one that’s been saving their bacon?”
  • “Why didn’t he just jump to the side of that train?  Why run along the tracks?”
  • “Why do they keep leaving the fort?  They just keep losing people every time they leave!”
  • “I hear it went well?  They lost almost everyone that went with them!”
  • “Whores and no boobs?  Come on…”

What We Learned:

  • Abraham Lincoln led his own poorly run special missions with ill-informed untrained gentlemen. 
  • Lincoln’s mother was a zombie.
  • Abraham Lincoln has poor taste in women and nearly married a whore.
  • Abraham Lincoln always uses the back door.
  • Teddy Roosevelt got the quote “Walk softly and carry a big stick” from Lincoln.
  • People from the south are completely unreasonable.  They will not even make peace with the north long enough to destroy the zombies in their fort. 
  • Every plan should involve ziplines.
17
Aug
12

Poultygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Rules:

Bodily Fluids

Singing

Masturbation references

Troma references

Chicken references

 

Quotes:

You see I was antibeastiality and he was pro.

Who put these mysterious vein covered pulsating eggs in this box?

Now eat my meat you vegan whores!

How can I ever love someone who wants me to eat cock.

The chicken, the chicken has declared jihad on us all.

There’s a severed penis in this sloppy Jose.

I’ll believe in the supernatural when I see it talking sandwich.

If we don’t find a way to stop them we’ll all have mops shoved up our asses.

Hummus see if you can find his rectum.

I wish I was a princess.  (As two chicken men pull a guy apart.)

Wendy you fucking drunk.

 

Things I learned:

Never again.

You can make movies in 2006 that look like they’re from 1992.

Alcohol kills zombie Native American chickens.

 

Viewer Quotes:

“I want to unlearn this movie”

“There were a lot of boobs, but less then half of them were decent.”

16
Aug
12

Cool As Ice

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and God Awful

Viewing Date: Aug 9, 2012

Starring: Vanilla Ice, Michael Gross

Summary: The old teen rebel saga is updated for the rap crowd, unfortunately rapper Vanilla Ice is the teen. Ice shows up on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone’s attention, including the female honor student who has never had a rebellious bone in her body.

Rules:

“Yep yep.”

Vanilla Ice doing motorcycle tricks.

Any spontaneous rapping or dancing.

Any time Vanilla Ice changes his hair or hat.

White people being shocked / disgusted.

“ice”

Quotes:

“Yo.  Peep that out.”

“You know.  The chick that drives the hooise.”

“I’m a big boy.  I’m also a thirsty one.”

Viewer Quotes:

“I wonder if Vanilla Ice falls asleep to this movie every night with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand…”

“Where are they?  Pee Wee’s playhouse?”

What We Learned:

You walk down the middle of the street in small towns.

Be kool, stay in skool.

20
Jul
12

Solarbabies

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Postapocalyptic
Tags: , , , , ,

Image

Starring: Jason Patric (from Speed 2: Cruise Control), potentially Cory Haim, dude from Heroes.

Plot: Something about an orb that can tell the future.  It’s post-apocalyptic and there are kids with roller skates.

Rules:

  • Skating across a bridge
  • Torture scenes
  • Skate jumping
  • “Orb”
  • “Scorpion”
  • “Bodai”

Quotes:

  • “Get out you creature of filth.”
  • “The owl…is it yours?” – “As much as an owl is anyone’s.”
  • “We wait.  We follow.  We got them all.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Uh Oh.  Here comes the skaters.”
  • “Why do they all have lights on their skates?” – “It’s more futuristic that way!”
  • “The guy from Cool-Hand Luke!
  • “Oh my god.  This guy’s got a falcon.”
  • “A good way to stop skaters is to not pave everything.”
  • “So he was deaf?  How come he can speak so well?”
  • “Bodai is the golden rule.  Every other word.”
  • “There’s not paved paths wherever you go out in the wild!”
  • “Whoa! Is that the uncle from the Adams’ Family?”

Things that we learned

  • The post-apocalyptic future is covered in paved walkways.
  • In the future, dogs wear head lamps.
  • The best way to get away from future cops is to put yourself in a tire and roll away.
  • Slow, clumsy robots aren’t very effective.
  • Bodai doesn’t leave, he’s always there.  Jesus?
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