Archive Page 29

17
Jan
13

The Wicker Man

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Creepy Kids, Cults, God Awful and Nic Cage
Tags: , ,

wickerman

Viewing Date: 1/10/2013

Starring: Nic Cage

Plot:

Nic Cage stars as a detective / highway patrolman who receives a letter from his ex-fiancée asking for help in locating her missing daughter on some island in the Puget Sound.  Nic heads straight there to unravel the mystery, and discovers that he is dealing with a Matriarchal, bee-loving cult that performs human sacrifices.

Rules:

  • Nic Cage in a costume
  • Bees (real, CGI or a picture of a bee)
  • Nic Cage’s mind plays tricks on him
  • Someone or something gets hit by a truck
  • Say “Willow”
  • Say “Summer’s Isle”
  • Nic Cage punches or kicks someone
  • Nic Cage acts crazy (advanced rule, since this could describe him the entire movie)

Quotes:

“What do you have in the bag?  A shark?”

“Was Rowan depressed?  Have you seen what she’s drawn under her desk?  Its pretty disturbing.”

“Take your stupid mask.”

“Step away from the bike!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Why do they all have blue eyes?”  “Because…  The Wicker Man.”

“Do they have electricity?”  “I don’t think so.  They’re pretty Amish.”

“Freeway Patrol.”

“I think you dodged a bullet here, Nicolas Cage.”

What We Learned:

There are cults living on islands in the Puget Sound, and they are out of the reach of all law and government.

There are underwater pools under graveyards.

Everyone was in on it!  Shocking!

Final Take:

What a disappointment.  For a movie that ranks as one of the worst of all time, it was indeed that terrible, but not in a good way.  More in a more-plot-holes-than-you-can-count, nonsensical way (don’t try to make sense of the “twist” ending unless you want to give yourself a headache).  On the plus side, Nic Cage acts like a complete maniac the entire movie, has some absurd dialogue and really goes off the deep end at the finish (“Oh no!  Not the Bees!”).  For a movie that is supposed to be creepy, it wasn’t, other than the stereotypical creepy blonde kids- and had nothing in the way of scares either.   The movie benefited from some decent drinking rules, but we often lost interest in what was actually happening until the last 15 minutes or so, when things got extremely ridiculous.  Our advice, avoid The Wicker Man, but if you happen to catch the end of the movie, it is worth watching just for some of the craziest Nic Cage ever captured on film.

04
Jan
13

Iron Sky

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction, In Space, Nazis and Uncategorized

IronSky

Starring Finnish Germans

Date Watched 1/3/2o13 (we survived!)

Plot

Nazis secretly made their way to the moon, where they have been hiding out, biding their time.

Rules

  • Nazi cliches.
  • Nazis’ racist statements.
  • Palin’s stupid remarks.
  • “Furhrer”
  • “Fourth Reich”
  • “Adler”

Quotes

  • “Hey, Sauerkraut.  I like Sauerkraut!  And Volkswagen.  Fahrfegnugen!”
  • “I received confirmation from the department of racial purity…Science demands us to unite physically.”
  • “Either I’m black or you’re blind.”
  • “Do I look alright to you Ms Crazy Fucking nazi?”
  • “So, you are a formerly dead black model, who is now suddenly a living white hobo, after spending a weekend on the moon.  Is that correct?”
  • “Listen. Do you think if I asphyxiate the president, will the troops then align with us?”
  • “Get your hooks off me you kristallnacht piece of shit!”
  • “He fell for the old one last blowjob offer!  God, nazis are stupid.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Most of the quotable quotes are racist or in very poor taste.  Is it still ok to record them?”
  • “I think by the end of the movie they’re going to make us think of the nazis as the good guys somehow.”
  • “I have to tell the wife she missed three ‘fuhrers’ and a nazi racist quote.”
  • “Oh look, they have space zeppelins!”
  • “Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”
  • “Why doesn’t she just turn it?  She’s at the wheel!”

What We Learned

  • The germans reinvented USB while isolated on the moon, and happen to call it the same thing.
  • Medicine called Albiniser transforms black into white.
  • Nazis are doctors for the sick, vitamins for the anemic, and products of loving mothers and brave fathers.
  • Palin’s message comes from moon nazis.  Remember this, world!  Palin = Hitler!
  • To sneak past nazis, start up their battle hymn.
  • De-albiniser transforms white into black.

Final Take

Pretty high production values for a BMT movie, but still pretty campy. Not too shabby.  It was enjoyable, but difficult to come up with good rules.  I’d definitely recommend it but you should know that you’ll be getting a lot of anti-american political satire.  If you can get past that you’ll find a pretty decent b+ grade movie.

28
Dec
12

Jack Frost 2: The Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Gory

jack frost 2

Date watched:

12/27/12

Summary: 

The Mutant Killer Snowman returns to kill more people during Christmas.

Starring:

No one

Rules:

Puns

Carrot stick rapings x2

Say “Jack Frost”

Random shots w/ snowmen in them (posters, miniature snowmen, etc)

People Die                      

Say “Captain Fun”

Quotes:

Q: “How did you stop the mutant killer snowman?” A: “With antifreeze.”

“Has the grump monster stolen your happy dust?”

“There’s something that needs a little Christmas stuffing.”

“Nice scarf, beautiful.”

“I guess not too many people believe in killer snowmen.”

“Captain Fun has a plan.”         

“Cowatunga Baby!”

“I now pronounce you, totally fuckin’ dead!”

 Viewer Quotes:                    

“Look the Village People are here.  Why are they all wearing these costumes?”

“Somehow that camera turned into a Polaroid.”

“Being hit in the face with a big wooden oar?  He’s probably fine.”

Worst viewer question ever:  “If she’s already wearing a swim suit, why does she need to take it all off to get in the pool?”

“That snowball knocked his arm off!?”

“Good thing they have a shit ton of these bananas.”

Things I learned:

You use charcoal for beach bonfires, and you can find more walking around the beach looking for it lying around.

A murderous frozen snowman can take any form – a carrot, water, an ice anvil, ice cycles, a snow globe, etc.

Humans and snowmen can cross DNA.

Snowmen give birth to snow balls that are inherently evil.

Bananas can kill snow creatures, but only if the person they cross DNA with are allergic to them.

 Snowmen can blow up heads when injested.

Final take:

This movie sucked, but in a good way.  If you are looking for a shitty holiday movie, then look no further.

20
Dec
12

Lethal Target

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and In Space

lethal target

Viewing Date: 12/13/2012

Starring:  CC Costigan (who?  Exactly.)

Plot:  This felt like (and probably is) a movie in regular rotation on late night Cinemax.  It had a nonsensical plot about a disgraced cop in an all-women’s prison on some planet colony who is recruited to infiltrate a ship that poses some sort of alien threat.  Is this the best course of action to save humanity from an alien invasion?  How does CC get transported to said ship?  Why is the captain of the ship infecting people with some alien virus through scratches?  Who cares.  There is a decent amount of T&A and blatant Alien rip-off moments thrown in.

Rules

  • CC (Nikki) rolls her eyes.
  • “Marshall”
  • Technology from the 90’s is used on the spaceship.l
  • “The Company”

Quotes

  • “I’m your fairy Godmother.” “Where’s your magic wand?”
  • “Great.  I’m a space slut.”
  • “Joe Biden is in the Marshall’s quarters.” (we may have heard this incorrectly)

Viewer Quotes

  • “Look.  He’s got a badge that says ‘penal’!”
  • “They wear Earth camouflage in space?”
  • “Did he say hymen distance?” (actual dialogue was “time and distance”)
  • “I think they are making an alien species where the men die when they blow their wad.”
  • “I can see some of this DNA is missing.  Right here.”

Things we learned

  • Alien STD’s are transmitted by scratching.
  • This movie was a rip off Alien.
  • The movie would have been much better if it took place entirely on the prison world.
  • Non-Monogamous Tantracism is a religion.
  • Early 90’s technology is in widespread use in space ships.

Final Take

An entertaining low budget Sci Fi movie with terrible creature effects, a pathetic plot and decent amount of nudity.  It delivered as advertised, although we would recommend not paying attention to the “plot”; it will make for a much better viewing experience.

30
Nov
12

The FP

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Historical Fiction and Postapocalyptic

Date Watched: 11/29/2012

Starring: JTRO, BTRO, and KCDC

Plot 

In a post apocalyptic future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frazier Park by playing “Beat Beat Revelation”, a deadly version of Dance, Dance, Revolution(TM).

Rules

  • Stupid Hats/Bandannas (One per occurrence per new scene)
  • “J TRO” or “B TRO”
  • “The FP”
  • Reference to area codes
  • Ducks
  • Advanced rule – waterfall through all montages

Quotes

  • “4 score and a couple years ago.”
  • “I’m going to 187 this bitch, bro!”
  • “You fuckin’ cracker ass cracka!” <one white guy to another>
  • “I hope you’re ready for this, Cranberry Juice, because you’re about to get fucked, bitch!”
  • “What’s a town with no ducks, J Tro?  How’s a nigga supposed to sort his shit out with no ducks?!”
  • “We had each other’s backs, back to back!”
  • “You got to dance with your mind, not your legs.”
  • “I’m going to throw you down some stairs, you toe-eyed dung dung.”
  • “A gentleman never fucks a bitch in the ass and tells.”  “It was only for a minute.”
  • “You got one final lesson up in this mother fucker, J Tro.  You gots to know the true meaning of the Beat Beat nigga.  It ain’t about color, dog.  Any nigga can be a nigga.  N – I – G – G – A.  Never Ignorant in Getting Goals Accomplished. Now you use that shit, J Tro.  You be all the nigga you can be.”  <Climactic monologue>
  • “Shit, man!  Click it or ticket.”
  • “How you doing all this shit?”  “Because, I’m never ignorant in getting goals accomplished.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Is this stuff for real?  Are they being serious?”
  • “That guy’s wearing a racoon hat!”
  • “That other guy’s wearing a skeleton mask!”
  • “Did he just roar like a lion?”
  • “He died doing what he loves…”
  • “He’s watching a film upside-down.”
  • “Just hanging out in a kiddie pool.”
  • “Asian gets a slingshot!”
  • “I think this whole movie may have been about drunks feeding ducks in the end.”

What We Learned

  • The post apocalyptic future looks a lot like normal rural America.
  • Drunks feeding ducks are a stabilizing factor in modern society.
  • A good day ends with a BJ while watching ducks.
  • Dance Dance Revolution can be deadly.
  • The true meaning of nigga.
  • Eye patches do not negatively affect depth perception.
  • Giant moon boots increase your capability to dance.

Final Take

This was a pretty damn good thursday movie.  It was post-apocalyptic, had decent production values, and ended with a BJ.  The house rule for 4-letter swears would be an advanced rule all by itself.  The word “fuck” was used over 250 times.  This is up there as one of the better Thursday movies we’ve watched in a while.  Watch it and don’t expect it to be serious and you’ll end up having a great time.

29
Nov
12

Mr. Nanny

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Creepy Kids

Date Watched:

9/20/12

Plot:

A former pro-wrestler is hired to be the bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids whose inventor father is being stalked by a rival. (From IMDB)

Year:

1993

Starring:

Hulk Hogan

Sherman Helmsley

Buster Poindexter

Rules:

Shirt ripping.

Flexing.

Wrestling moves.

Kids outsmarting Hulk Hogan.

Booby traps.

Canadian Tuxedos (aka wearing a jean jacket and jeans).

Every time they play the song “Dream Dad”.

Quotes:

“I’m not a bodyguard, I’m a wrestler.”

“This is like the roach motel, the nannies check in but they don’t check out.”

“Oops!  Trip wire… and flour.”

“Business before pleasure.” – said as the bad guys cart Hulk Hogan’s unconscious body in a tutu away.  Viewer Quote in response, “Does that mean they’re going to rape him?”

“There is no chip in there dork brain.”

Viewer Quotes:

For some reason we didn’t record any.  I do remember talking about the God-Awful soundtrack.  Buster Poindexter has a song on it still burned into my brain called “Tough Stuff”.  Paired with “Dream Dad” the soundtrack is a must own.

Things we learned:

Buster Poindexter kicks Hulk Hogan’s ass.

Hulk Hogan knows the dictionary definition of a microchip.

A wallet can electrocute people.

18
Nov
12

Dracula 3000

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Rules, Vampires and Washed up actors

Date Watched:

11/15/12

Plot:

In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. (From IMDB)

Year:

2004

Starring:

Casper Van Diem

Erika Eleniak

Coolio

Tiny Lister

Rules:

Every time Dr.’s video log comes on.

Coolio says dude.

Every time someone runs down a hallway.

They say Orlock.

Quotes:

“She’s still the same little shameless ho she’s always been.”

“Hang 10 Dude!”

“Oh, a metal plus sign, this dude was into mathematics.  (About a cross.)”

“Your ass has never been hungry, and we aint gonna pass up this amount of cheese.”

“Sands aint worth nuthin!”

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’ve seen you and want to ejaculate all over your bazangas?”

Viewer Quotes:

“You know it’s a crappy movie when it’s an hour and 20 minute movie and it has a 5 minute intro.”

“Is this supposed to be a spaceship, because it’s obviously an oil refinery.”

“What’s the scientific explanation for sand becoming a vampire?”

“This guy’s had his platonic friend activator going his whole life.”

Not movie related discussion after the movie:  “Isn’t David Bowie’s alter ego Captain Glitter-Face?” Response:  “You mean Ziggy Star Dust?”

Things we learned:

Scuba gear doubles as a space suit.

Surfing is big in space – at least by a stoned Coolio.

Dope wasn’t legalized until the year 2950.

Normal bullets being shot in the future sound like lazers.

In the future they tell time using moon cycles.

We are now going to call silent farts “Orlocks”.

Robots are programmed to look like aging starlets.

The best things to use to kill vampires are pool cues.

18
Nov
12

The Dead Undead (Vampires vs Zombies)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Rules, Uncategorized, Vampires and Zombies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plot:

A group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie like creatures whose only motivation is to feed on flesh, whether Human or Vampire. A group of Vamprie commandos tries to keep their identity secret, while trying to stop the spread of the infection. Soldiers from across the ages, it’s up to these vampires to end the zombie infection. Caught in the middle is a group of human kids on a camping trip, who team up with the Vampires in an attempt to survive. (from IMDB)

Year:

2010

Starring:

Some guy who looks like Corben Bernsen.

Rules:

Zombie flies back from being shot

Zombie hit by car

Hiding a Zombie/Vampire bite

Vampire getting burned by sunlight

Slow motion shooting guns

They say ZV

Quotes:

“Any luck Mr. Bad Wrench?”

“This is why I don’t stay at these scummy scum bag motels.”

“This isn’t a video game kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Worthless shower scene.”

“This Shelly is just like the real Shelly.  She drinks until she passes out.”

“Do you think one of these guys is named Chavez?”

“Worst death ever.”

Things we learned from this movie:

After you shoot a shotgun you should throw it away as it can’t be used anymore.

Garden gnomes explode when you shoot them.

You can be both a zombie and a vampire.  (AZV)

Flashbacks to ancient Roman times, Vietnam, or the Old West can literally happen any time w/o reason.

10
Nov
12

Bail Out

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

 

Starring: The Hoff (nuff said)

Plot

A trio of hapless bounty hunters are recruited by a shady bail bondsman to try to keep a witness in drug trial alive to testify.

Rules

  • Stereotypes
  • Hasselhoff wears a headband, leather jacket, or leather pants
  • Hasselhoff swears (x3), anyone else swears (x1)
  • Editing mistakes (keep on your toes!)
  • Every time someone says “white bread.”
  • Hoff sings

Quotes

  • “These guys drive worse than orientals.”
  • “Another shit from the Hoff.”
  • “There’s a time for shootin’ and a time for talkin’.”
  • “Flat like a fucking tortilla!”
  • “Ann Job?  You mean Hand Job?”

The Final Word

This is an action movie starring the Hoff, so there’s not much of a reason you shouldn’t watch it.  I’m pretty sure there’s singing, although it’s hard to remember because this is another backfill from a few years back.  I don’t remember much of it, although I think I could stomach watching it again.  It’s got to be good.

10
Nov
12

Cop And A Half

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

 

Starring: Burt Reynolds and some kid who never made another movie.

Plot

Devon Butler is an eight-year old who dreams of being a cop. He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend Ray. One day, while snooping around in a warehouse, he witnesses a murder. He goes to the police, who want the information, but won’t get it until they make Devon a cop. The police then team him with veteran cop (and child hater) Nick McKenna, and the two team up in comic series of events to find the killer.

Rules

  • Someone gets hit in the groin
  • Wipe transition between scenes
  • Bullies
  • “Quid Pro Quo”
  • See or hear cop
  • “Getting too old for this.”
  • Twinky-cam

Quotes

  • “He’s been dunking for turds.”
  • “Can’t have any fun with a kid.  You take him to a bar, he has one drink and falls off the stool.”
  • “Do you want to play swords?”

The Final Word

Another backfill.  I barely remember anything from this movie.  It was definitely not one of the BMT classics.  Probably the most notable thing about it is that the kid basically never made another movie, so chalk that up to Burt Reynolds ruining another person’s movie career.  Way to go Burt.  I think you can get everything you need to know from the movie poster.  Burt Reynolds and a child actor team up, unwatchable shenanigans ensue.

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