Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 5/23/19

Starring: Thomas Jane, Key and Peele, Theon Greyjoy

Plot: When a young boy accidentally triggers the universe’s most lethal hunters’ return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled scientist can prevent the end of the human race.

Rules

• Use of Predator Tech
• Autistic kid doing stupid crap
• Translated predator language
• Callbacks to the original Predator movie (“Get to the chopper”)

Quotes

• “How do you circumcise a homeless man?  Kick your mom in the chin.”
• “If your momma’s vagina was a videogame, it would be rated ‘E’ for everyone.”
• “What is this?”  –  “It’s a unicorn.  I’m sorry, it’s a piece of shit.”
• “Good evening.  Um, the brushstrokes on this are dynamic… it’s a wonderful piece.”
• “That’s my new suit, Bubba.  Hope they got it in a 42 long.”

Viewer Quotes

• “How would you even know that a thumbs up is good?”  –  “This is where I shut it off.”
• “When’s he going to poop out the ball and use it to do predator tech?”

Things We Learned

• Predators collect DNA
• If you’re autistic, you can hack your way into predator spaceships.
• Autistic children are the most valuable predator trophy.
• Some predators want to help humans, others want to kill us.  The good ones also seem to want to kill us, but appreciate a naked female form.

Final Take: A little all over the place.  Kind of a mess, hard to follow.  The loony gang was funny, and most of the action was entertaining, but I’m still not sure what the whole point was.  Don’t think about the plot points too much and you’ll probably enjoy it.

Date Watched: 03/28/2019

Starring: Sylvester Stallone

Plot: A tough-on-crime street cop must protect the only surviving witness to a strange murderous cult with far reaching plans.

Rules

• New scene with matchstick in the mouth
• Guns with cobra on the handle
• “Nightslasher”
• Wearing sunglasses inside.

Quotes

• “I’m going to blow this place to hell!”  –  “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.”
• “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.”
• “Cobretti, you know you have an attitude problem?”  –  “Yeah, but just a little one.”
• “I want your eyes, Pig.  I want them.”
• “The court is civilized, pig.  –  “But I’m not.  This is where the law stops, and I start.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is he assembling his submachine gun?”
• “Do people say upstate in California?”  –  “No.”
• “This is probably where they filmed Terminator.  It’s such a generic setup.”
• “What’s the motivation for this Night Slasher or the cult?”

Things We Learned

• Janitors are meant to use the service elevators.  Remember the health code!
• Cobra sleeps with his finger on the trigger.
• It’s helpful to cut pizza with scissors.
• The best way to close a case is to kill all the suspects.

Final Take:

Viewing Date: 3/7/19

Starring: Scott Adkins, Temuera Morrison

Plot: Retired mixed martial artist Wes “The Jailor” Baylor (Scott Adkins) can’t refuse a million-dollar purse he’s offered for one final bout in Myanmar. But when he arrives for the fight, he learns he’s been tricked into becoming the target of a human hunt. Carrying only water and a ruby-filled money belt for the last person standing, Wes must outsmart the heavily armed group that has paid to kill him. As he fights for his life in the treacherous jungle terrain, the hunters become the hunted.

Rules

• Birds (slow motion x 2)
• Characters drink
• When ‘the hunter becomes the prey’

Quotes

• “You need me to ring the bell?  Ding ding.”
• “We came here chasing death.  We shouldn’t be surprised to find it.”
• “Show me your wound…”

Viewer Quotes

• “Crossbows with a single shot make sense for a vampire, but…”
• “Is her full name ‘Ta Ta Ti Ti Ta'”?  (apparently something to do with music class back in school).

What We Learned

• You can roll down a hill far enough, eventually you’ll run into an elephant.
• You can crush a big scorpion in your hand without getting stung.
• What a “Boat-Jo” is.

Date Watched: 1/17/19

Starring: Nick Cage, Wolfcop (briefly)

Plot: A dystopian thriller set in the year 2030 that sees the world in a permanent state of economic recession and facing serious environmental problems as a result of global warming.

Rules

• “Humanity”
• Monologues to his phone/Playing with his phone
• Anecdotes about the scarcity of resources.
• Environmental lessons.

Quotes

• “I’ve seen children drink their own piss.”
• “Don’t be fooled by false smiles.  They will rape you… and the boy.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is this a soylent green thing?”
• “Could you take Nick Cage in a fight?”  –  “No, he’s got too much crazy.”

Things We Learned

• Trump killed all the fish in the ocean
• In the future, people use 6 screens.
• Nick Cage likes to sit on a porch and hold dead birds.
• Nick Cage is never what you might expect.
• In the future, El Caminos will be controlled by an app.
• There are no lakes anymore.
• You will need a timeshare to swim in a pool, and wear a wetsuit.

Final Take: This was pretty slow at times.  Not all that great, but not terrible.  If you’ve seen any of Nick Cage’s recent Netflix offerings, it was his same character in a different setting.  You should know what you’re getting yourself into by now.

Viewing Date: 1/3/19

Starring: Zach McGowan (he’s blowing up- also in Death Race: Beyond Anarchy!), Nathan Jones.

Rules

• Glowing eyes
• Scorpions
• Say “Scorpion King”
• Say “Fang of Anubis”
• Say “Book of Souls”
• Say “Quest”

Quotes

• “I don’t quest.”
• “I hate questing.”
• “I’ll bet you wouldn’t sell her for 5 pigs and some pomegranate wine.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Where’s the rest of the Fantastic Four?”

What We Learned

• The Scorpion King can submerge himself in ankle Deep Water.
• A good “breeding” woman is worth a few pigs and some pomegranate wine.
• The Scorpion King’s special powers are gained by getting stung by scorpions.
• The Golem was a terrible character and idea.  We’re still not clear on why the creature made of stone was afraid of fire and “burned” to death in a medium-sized bonfire.

Date Watched: 12/20/18

Starring: Barry Bostwick, Richard Moll (blink and you miss him), some Belles

Plot: It’s Christmas Eve, and three cosplaying women come across the malevolent Christmas demon Krampus. The girls must team up with Santa Claus himself to battle the creature and save the world.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Say or show Adventure Girls or putting up Youtube
• Say “Christmas”
• Show camera in the tree
• Santa magic
• Say “Krampus”

Quotes:

• “Merry Christmas Bitch!”
• “I’m not fat, you’re fat.”
• “We’re trying to help the real-life Santa.”  Santa’s response… “Sup!”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Was this filmed at Enchanted Forrest?”
• “Chopping Santa’s head off.  It’s one of those things.  Had to be done”

Things We Learned:

• Krampus sniffs out naughty women.
• Santa is basically Gandolf aka the White Wizard.
• Santa started a business with Mrs. Claus that failed, and they ended up eating the reindeer.  Then Mrs. Claus became a bartender.  Then she got into bestiality.

Final Take:

It’s a fairly entertaining romp.  I wouldn’t go out of my way for it, but it made a decent holiday Bad Movie Thursday pick.  It really should have upped the gore, nudity, and ridiculousness to really take it over the top.  At 77 minutes, it was over, done, and then easily forgotten before we had time to even finish more than a few drinks.