Archive for the 'Washed up actors' Category

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27
Apr
17

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Rules, Seagal, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Perfect Weapon

Date Watched: 4/27/2017

Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop”

Plot: In the not so distant future, society is controlled by the powerful State and a dictator known as the Director. Condor works as a hitman for the State, but a reunion with someone he thought was dead forces him to consider who his enemies really are.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seagal wearing stupid sunglasses
  • Seagal taking off stupid sunglasses (2 drinks)
  • Someone says “the State”
  • Killing people with a single blow

Quotes:

  • “They watch us through those things!”  (Said as he shoots the TV.)
  • “There he is, the legenadry Condor.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I can’t tell who’s fighting who.”
  • “It’s a good thing that woman just casually walked into the men’s bathroom.”
  • “Once you make a man’s head explode, there’s no going back.”
  • “I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed pretty stupid.”

Things We Learned:

  • Strip clubs in the future have hula hoops and shiny things.
  • The Bad Movie Thursday gang would rather go to dinner with Seagal over Van Damme, and Gary Busey over Seagal.
  • Cardboard boxes offer great protection against bullets.
  • Handsprings make you invulnerable to gunfire.
  • When you’re on the run, your own home isn’t the best place to hide.

Final Take:  Pretty forgettable, but the production value was decent, and it wasn’t boring.  You could do a lot worse than this.  I would say that hearing the word “Condor” over and over again made us wish that we were watching “Condorman” instead.

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, Historical Fiction, Rules, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

24
Sep
16

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016)

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Categories: Bad CGI, Bad Movies, SciFi Channel, Spin-off or sequel, Uncategorized and Washed up actors
Tags: , , ,

Date Watched: 9/22/16

Plot: Fin, his family and the cosmos have been blissfully sharknado-free in the five years since the most recent attack, but now sharks and tornadoes are being whipped up in unexpected ways and places.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Star Wars references
  • Bad cameos
  • Every time they say “Sharknado”
  • Gratuitous product placement
  • Use of Las Vegas landmarks
  • Every time there is a new type of “nado”
  • References to other movies
  • Famous U.S. landmarks

Quotes:

  • “What inspired you to create a hotel full of sharks?”
  • “Fin Shepard, welcome to the family”
  • “Just as long as you have a beating heart, I’m going to love you”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does that airplane look like a penis?”
  • “Why would you need a chainsaw if you had a light saber?”
  • “How would you like to have David Hasselhoff as your grandfather?”

Things We Learned:

  • You can fly off a building in a car and use your car doors to “surf” down safely
  • Pirate ship steering wheels make good shark killers
  • Sharknados can become Bouldernados, Oilnados, Firenados, Lightningnados, Cownados, and Nuclearnados

Final Take:

For a movie franchise that already jumped the shark (pun intended), this one was a worthy addition.  There was plenty of silliness and D-list celebrities getting eaten by sharks.  I’ve seen lots of movies filmed in Vegas, but the Treasure Island Pirate Ship scene was something memorable (not just for having David Faustino as a character named “Bud”).  We will be waiting for number 5.

01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

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Categories: Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Cowboys, Rules, SciFi Channel and Washed up actors
Tags: , , ,

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.

19
Feb
16

Outcast (2014)

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Categories: Nic Cage, Ninjas and Washed up actors

outcastViewing Date: 2/28/16

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Hayden Christensen

Plot: When the heir of the Imperial throne becomes the target of an assassination by his despised older brother, the young prince must flee the kingdom and seek protection. His only hope for survival is a reluctant war-weary crusader named Jacob, who must overcome his own personal demons and rally the assistance of a mythical outlaw known as The White Ghost. Together they must fight side by side in an epic battle to return the prince to his rightful place on the throne (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Nic cage forgets his English accent
  • Drunk / drug vision
  • When Hayden learns that opium is not the answer and throws his stash away.
  • “White Ghost”
  • “Black Guards”

Quotes

“Black guards are as thick as flies on a farting ghosts ass here because of you!”

“(indecipherable mumbling), this is MY medicine!”

“I’m a simple man- easily bedazzled by swift-talking, young princes.”

Viewer Quotes

“The mitoclorians are strong with this one”

“All I want to know is where the hell is Nic Cage?”

“Does he need to pay the ghost?”

What We Learned

  • Nic Cage can’t do an English accent
  • Hayden Christensen still makes movies (but not very many)
16
Jan
15

Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power

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Categories: Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

A1o8jBofp7L._SL1500_

Viewing Date: 1/15/15

Starring: Victor Webster, Barry Bostwick, Lou Ferrigno, Rutger Hauer, Royce Gracie, Michael Biehn

Rules

  • Say “Scorpion King” (house rules)
  • See scorpions
  • Alaire opens the door
  • Say “Alcamin”
  • You see an washed up “star”
  • Say “Drazen”

Quotes

“We haven’t eaten dinner yet.  Who’s hungry?”

“Don’t worry- it will only hurt for a moment.”

“Maybe its a different hole.”

“You’ve heard of the horse whisperer…”

Viewer Quotes

“Its got monsters and robots.”  “And robot monsters.”  (Deterring a two year old from wanting to watch the movie)

“Is that the Women’s Fighting League?  The WFL?”

“Wasn’t Don the Dragon Wilson in this movie?”

What We Learned

  • You can use a bear skin rug as a weapon.  Its much scarier than a sword.
  • When you’re in a bind, a child pickpocket will show up to save the day.
  • There are medieval bands everywhere.
  • Midgets love burps
  • Putting on a metal suit will give you the power of magnetism (and super strength)
  • Don “the Dragon” Wilson wasn’t in nearly as many popular movies as you thought
12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Ninjas, Rules and Washed up actors

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

12
Jul
14

Dead in Tombstone (2013)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Cowboys, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Washed up actors

Dead in Tombstone

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall, Mickey Rourke

Plot:

A gang overruns a small mining town murdering their own leader Guerrero (Trejo) in a cold-blooded power grab. Sentenced to eternity in hell he finds himself confronted by Satan himself (Rourke), offering a daring proposition: deliver the six souls of his former gang and he will escape damnation. With time running out, he sets out on a brutal rampage to avenge his own death. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Gun close ups

-Mention of god or the devil

-Say “hermano” or “brother”

-Show clocks

Quotes:

“Maybe we should stick around… get some putas.”

“I’m Jesus H Christ in this town.”

“We killed you.”  Response: “No, this is how you kill someone.”

“The lawman’s wench, she will be the end of you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How do you know who the chick in Starship Troopers actual name is?”

“That is a vision of hell… having Mickey Rourke chew on your fingers.”

“After a year of being a corpse, his skin would slide off just like a Papa Johns pizza.”

Things We Learned:

-Mickey Rourke is Lucifer

-The devil makes his own rules.

Final Take:

Ho-hum.  

12
Jul
14

Sea Beast (2008)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Rules, SciFi Channel and Washed up actors

Sea Beast

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Parker Lewis Can’t Lose

Plot:

The fishing vessel Solita crosses a storm during the night and the Skipper Will McKenna witnesses a weird creature attacking the crewman Joey. They return to the dock and Will has difficulties to pay the amount he owes to the former owner of the boat, Roy. The fish population is reducing in the area and the biologist Arden is investigating the possible causes. Meanwhile, Will’s daughter Carly steals the keys of her father’s cottage in a nearby island and plans to travel with her boyfriend Danny and their friends Erin and Drew to spend the weekend in the island. However, Drew is murdered by a deep sea predator on the dock and his pieces are found by Will and Arden. Carly, Danny and Erin do not have any news from their friend and travel to the island without Drew. Sooner Erin is murdered by the creature and Danny is bitten by a newborn reptile. Danny and Erin seek shelter in the cabin but they are trapped there by the creatures. In the continent, Will and Arden learn that the deep sea predator is a very dangerous species, after a series of lethal attacks, and they head to the island to rescue Carly. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Non-special effects

-Shots of being haunted by the cartoon beast

-Parker Lewis loses (bad things happen to him)

-Dumb actor struggling to sound scientific

-Sea Beast’s tongue comes out

-Say “angler fish”

-When Sea Beast is cloaked

-Sideways camera angles like in Battlefield Earth

Quotes:

“I’m just telling you the properties of this slime and where it’s found in nature.”

“Let’s just go to the boat and get the first aid kit.”

“That weren’t no shark!”

“You’re the fisherman, you figure it out.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Wow, they just throw us right into this.”

“Gee, the black friend died first.  Shocker for a movie like this.”

“All the cool dudes in the 80’s had house boats.”

“If you take a selfie with a Sea Beast, is it still considered a selfie?”

“Ooh entrails.”

“Now it’s time for a making weapons montage.”

“There’s a lot of sea beasts in this movie, so should this really be called sea beasts and sons?”

“Parker Lewis dating a girl his daughter’s age… that’s winning.”

“He just wants to tongue her.”

Things We Learned:

-Sea Beasts have cloaking capabilities like the Predator or a Klingon warship.

-Sea Beasts know instinctively to use their tongues to choke people.

-The best way to hold a hatchet is to choke up on it like a baseball bat.

Final Take:

Any movie starring Parker Lewis is already a winner in my book, although this is pretty standard Syfy movie fare.  It’s fairly entertaining, but you won’t see any hardcore gore or T&A in a movie like this.  

11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gratuitous Violence, In Space, Ninjas, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.

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