Archive Page 28

31
May
13

The Burrowers

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cowboys and Gory

220px-Burrowersposter08

Date Watched: 5/30/13

Plot: A pioneer family vanishes, a search party goes a’lookin’ fer ’em.  Pretty soon, they need a search party to find the search party.  A masterpiece of the Cowboy/Carniverous Worm People genre (from xfinity).

Starring: Clancy Brown, William Mapother

Rules:

  • Burrowing (anything going in or out of holes)
  • Gratuitous mustache shots.
  • People drinking.
  • “Burrowers”
  • Predator noises

Quotes:

  • “Why do you spend so much time running that boy’s belly? He already thinks you’re Jesus Crockett.”
  • “Skinny woman.  Why don’t you just poke the boy.”
  • “I’d rather walk in the right direction than ride with my head up my ass.”
  • “Don’t you ever touch my Indian!!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Anything going in or out of holes” “Ha.  Is that a rule or a quote”  (both apparently)
  • “Meek’s Crossing is the most boring movie ever filmed.”

What We Learned:

  • Indians were called “blanket heads”
  • Burrowers were there before the white man and used to feed on the buffalo.  After the evil white man killed the buffalo, they had to find another food source.
  • It’s possible to sleep while riding a horse.
  • You need a little fish to kill burrowers.  But it’s really the sunlight that kills them.
  • Viewers of Fear.net must need Proactiv.
  • “Call within 10 minute” commercial offers apply to on-demand movies.

Final Take:

This movie had recognizable actors, a reasonable budget and a decent story, but I’d still call it a failure for bad movie thursday.  It wasn’t campy enough, and it was really tough to come up with rules or entertaining viewer quotes.  So I don’t know if that’s a put-down or an endorsement.  It had an interesting premise about the subterrenean creatures that live on the prairie and come out every three generations to feed (part Tremors, part creature from ‘Jeepers Creepers’) and the filmmakers really wanted to play up aspect of the victims being paralyzed and buried alive, but it really didn’t make sense– the creatures needed to keep them alive, because they could only consume rotten, liquified food?  What?!  Bottom line, it’s not a bad movie, but not a great movie to sit around and joke with friends about.  We probably would have been better off watching ‘Steel and Lace’.

18
May
13

Rottweiler

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity and Postapocalyptic
Tags:

220px-Brian-Yuzna-Rottweiler

Date Watched:  5/16/2013

Starring:  A guy that looks vaguely like Sawyer from Lost, Zeus the Rottweiler

Plot: In 2018, a prisoner escapes into the Spanish countryside, trying to get back to Puerto Angel to find his girlfriend.  Unfortunately for him, he is being pursued by a cyborg rottweiler that kills everything and everyone the prisoner comes in contact with.

Rules

  • Slow motion
  • The Dog’s mouth makes knife noises when it opens and closes.
  • Scorpions
  • Hallucinations
  • The rottweiler kills someone or something
  • *Remember to use standing house rule of “creature vision”*

Movie Quotes

“The old witch doctor thinks the fog is evil.  He has eaten too many mushrooms.”

“You’ll never find her–  that bitch.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That guy has a face problem.”

“There’s a lot of wang shots here.”  “Wang and side balls.”

“The thicker the skin, the sweeter the flesh.”  (from Adam’s creepy dream- not really related to the movie)

“All three together.  Like a happy family.”

What We Learned

  • In Spain women will rape escaped prisoners
  • In the future there is a game called ‘Infiltration’ where you try to immigrate illegally.  Super Fun.
  • Cyborg rottweilers are particularly adept at disposing of guns.
  • When Escaping from prison, its a good idea to climb the highest mountain you can find, then get drunk and high with drug dealers.

Final Take

We enjoyed this movie for something we randomly stumbled across in the free movies on Comcast on demand.  Special effects and gore were decently done and the rottweiler flying through the air to attack people was hilarious.  I liked that the writers and director tried to incorporate a twist-ish ending that sort of worked, but I really wanted to know where the hell the cyborg dog came from.  I mean, I get it that the main character originally smashed the teeth out of and probably killed the warden’s dog with a lead pipe after it killed his girlfriend, but who exactly had the technology or means to convert it into the terminator of dogs?  I also found it interesting that the dog was really the only ‘futuristic’ thing in this movie- but it doesn’t pay to over think the movies we watch on Thursdays.

03
May
13

Death Race 3: Inferno

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Historical Fiction, Postapocalyptic and Spin-off or sequel

DeathRace3

Date Watched: 5/2/2013

Starring: Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo

Plot: Convicted cop-killer Carl Lucas, aka Frankenstein, is a superstar driver in the brutal prison yard demolition derby known as Death Race. Only one victory away from winning freedom for himself and his pit crew.  He’s a great guy and everyone else is crazy.  Strap in and get ready.

Rules

  • “Frankenstein”
  • “Death Race” <advanced>
  • Hyenas
  • Car crashes
  • Taking off or putting on the Frankenstein mask
  • Monkey hiding behind a rock <5 drinks, advanced>

Quotes

  • “I’ve been through more shit in my life than most people go through in 10.”
  • “This is a match to the death.  The only rule – Survive!”
  • “The only thing I know about Baja, it’s a style of tacos I like.”
  • “Hang on, I thought you didn’t know anything about this kind of racing.”  “I don’t.  It’s the first thing that came up on Google.”
  • “Stop fucking me with your eyes and let’s get on with this.”
  • “How many lives do you have?”  “At least one more.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Ooh, they’ve got hyenas as guard dogs.  Must be Africa.”
  • “Quick, hold that girl while I punch her in teh face!…Terrible fight scene.”
  • “Danny Trejo looks exactly like a ‘Goldberg’.  Good character choice.”
  • “Why are they in those big hamster wheels?”
  • “This is impossible to watch.  I’m going to have a seizure.”
  • “The thinking is that his secretary will somehow betray him.  Bets?”
  • “Was this movie filmed by a dude with ADD?”
  • “Thinnest …. Plot …. Ever?  I’ve seen porns with more fully fleshed out plots.”
  • “Wouldn’t he have trench foot by now?”
  • “I’m glad they’re giving us the entire back plot.  It’s so complicated I never would have figured it out.”

What We Learned

  • Prisons in Africa are guarded by Hyenas.
  • It’s a good idea for female prisoners in coed prisons to dress really provocatively.  Everything will be fine.
  • Weapons do not come in handy in Death Race.
  • Smart missiles are really smart.  Like follow a man through a house smart.
  • Web Casts can be watched on crappy old analog tv’s in rural Africa.

Final Take

If you liked the first second Death Race, you’ll sure like the second second Death Race.  It’s basically just more of the same.  I’m pretty sure it’s got the exact same cast.  This time instead of racing in a re-purposed warehouse district, they’ve taken the fun to a rally course in South Africa.  The prisoners are heroes with hearts of gold and the villains are the most insanely evil people in the world.  There’s no character development, just nonstop car chases and explosions.  If that sounds good to you then you’ll have a good time watching it.  I did.

12
Apr
13

Bridge of Dragons

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Postapocalyptic, Uncategorized and Washed up actors

Bridge%20of%20dragons

Viewing date: 4/11/13

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, the Nick Nolte of Bulgaria

Plot: Princess Halo doesn’t want to marry General Ruechang.  Warchild (Dolph) is torn between his military orders from Ruechang and his feelings for Princess Halo.  Explosions and jump-kicks occur.

Rules:

  • See a dragon. (this rule didn’t pan out)
  • “Ruechang”
  • “666”
  • Dumb sound-effects.
  • Stunts with trampolines.

Quotes:

“Thank you War Child”

“From this distance, I’d say the scope won’t be necessary.”

“Tomorrow we marry.  We can build a dream or a nightmare.  Your choice.”

“It’s over.”  “No soldier.  It’s just the beginning.”

Viewer Quotes:

(Halfway through the movie) “So what’s this movie about?”

“Look.  Their camp is all about family and fun.”

“This is what happens when you don’t plan anything out and wear elbow pads to a gunfight.”

“I used to store it in my vagina.”  “You used to store it in your vagina?”  “No.  Not me, her.”

“That’s what they do in Bulgaria.  Eat some goulash and run away from helicopters.”

“Who’s getting married?  Dracula?”

What We Learned:

You won’t see any bridges or dragons in this movie.

Explosives containers are always clearly labeled

Nimrod is a legitimate Eastern European name.

Dolph Lundgren has a trailer driver that is mentioned in the credits.

Final Cut:

This was 90 minutes of generic action movie, that had no bridges or dragons whatsoever.  We were entertained, had some decent rules and laughs, but as soon as it was over, I don’t remember hardly anything about the movie.  Maybe it was the combination of cold medicine and beer that I was consuming- or maybe it was an extremely forgettable film.  Most likely somewhere in between.  If you’re needing a fix of Dolph Lundgren and 80’s style, bad-action, look no further, but I can’t say that I would actively seek this one out.

29
Mar
13

Piranha 3DD

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Image

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

  • Boobs
  • Guys who are tools.
  • Stupid Music
  • Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

  • “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
  • “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
  • “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
  • “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
  • “Welcome to rock bottom.”
  • “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
  • “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
  • “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
  • “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
  • “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
  • “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
  • “The water park drains into the lake?”
  • “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
  • “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
  • “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
  • “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
  • “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
  • “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

  • Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
  • Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
  • Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
  • Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
  • Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
  • There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.

08
Mar
13

The Expendables 2

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Spin-off or sequel, Washed up actors and Zombies

Expendables2

Starring: Everyone and their mothers.

Date Watched: 3/7/2013

Plot: A bunch of old dudes find an excuse to hang out together and blow up a bunch of stuff.  They are joined at various times by other old dudes who pop in to say a few lines from their old movies and then disappear.  This is both the plot of the movie and the plot of the making of the movie.

Rules

  • References to other movies.
  • Way too ridiculousness (subjective: best judgement)
  • Head Popping
  • Explosions (of course – house rule but called out for excessive use)
  • Pictures and references to skulls.
  • Stallone changes hats.
  • Advanced rule: death by knife
  • More advanced: somebody dies

Quotes

  • “Whoa whoa whoa whoa.  My big weapon’s hanging right where it is!”
  • “For all this male pattern badness I’m going to put you in the deepest darkest hole in Gitmo.”
  • “Why is it that the one that wants to live, that deserves to live the most, dies.  And those of us that deserve to die, keep on living?”
  • “What’s the plan?”  – “Track ’em, find ’em, kill ’em.”
  • “”Let’s beat some info out of these guys and get out of here.  Start with the midget.”
  • “Keep it light until it’s time to get dark.  Then it gets pitch black.”
  • “I heard a rumor, that you were bitten by a cobra.”  “Yeah, but after 5 days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.”
  • “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you… man and knife.”
  • “I’ll be back.”  – “You’ve been back enough…I’ll be back.”  – “Yippee-ki-yay.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “They’re out of guns.  Down to knives!”
  • “Now they’re in a plane all of a sudden.  How did that happen?”
  • “How did he get on there?  People just appear on their vehicles!”
  • “They flew all the way to New York in that plane from China.  Alrighty then.”
  • “Why can’t you talk, Mr. Stallone?”
  • “How’s he getting a phone call out here in the Albanian woods?’
  • “Sweet, sweet vengeance is now a requirement.”
  • “Oh, you’re an evil son-of-a-bitch, Jean Claude Van Damme.”
  • “That is sleep apnea if I’ve ever seen it.”
  • “That’s not carving up a turkey, that’s cutting off a man’s head!”
  • “Does that mean he made her do it?”

What We Learned

  • Sequels can be better than the original.
  • Dolph Lundgren is a chemical engineer.
  • 5 tons of plutonium is worth 22 billion dollars.
  • There’s 1940’s burned out towns in the middle of Albania.
  • Chuck Norris will show up when you most need him, single-handedly killing 30 men and blowing up a tank in 20 seconds.

Final Take

This was actually a pretty entertaining movie.  It took the ridulousness of the first movie to a whole new level, which is exactly what I was hoping to see.  Lots of explosions and plenty of blatant callbacks to each stars’ signature roles.  I don’t know if I’d want to see Sylvester Stallone in the next one, though, since he appears to be hitting the old age wall pretty hard.  For that matter, Jean Claude Van Damme didn’t appear too much better.  Despite their appearance, the final climactic battle between them wasn’t too shabby.  As far as Bad Movie Thursday viewing material, this was a win.  I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to other like-minded people looking for an over the top action flick that’s not afraid to laugh at itself.

07
Mar
13

Vs aka All superheroes must die (2011)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Rules

All superheroes must die

Date Watched: 2/28/2013

Starring: Jason Trost and James Remar

Where Found:  Amazon Video On Demand

Plot:  Four Super Heroes find themselves abducted by their Arch Nemesis and are forced to compete in a series of challenges in order to save an abandoned town full of kidnapped innocent civilians.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Take off a bandaid and show a bruise on their wrist

Superheroes take off a mask

Use a superpower

Say a superheroes name

Superhero dies

Quotes:        

“F&CK, you have 80 seconds.”

“Charlie’s screwed.  He’s gonna die soon.”

“F&ck it.”

“Tell shadow I’m sorry about the stabbing.”

“Pain’s just a suggestion.”

“Backup plans are for people who expect to fail.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Oh yeah, fighting on a trampoline in a cage.”

“These superheroes are not very good at saving people’s lives.”

“Is that his boner alarm going off?”

“Why is that guy wearing a bear suit?”

Things We Learned:

Superheroes aren’t always very super.

Like in the movie “Speed” the best thing to do in a hostage situation is to shoot the hostage.  Except here we learned you should actually just go ahead and kill the hostage too.

Final Take:

We were really excited about this movie after the wonderful JTro movie “The FP”.  This was a big letdown.  According to IMDB it was shot for $20,000, written in 4 days, and filmed over 15 days.  Holy crap could you tell.

I don’t really know what the point of this movie was.  It wasn’t really a satire like “The FP”.  It wasn’t over the top.  It was just there.  I can’t really recommend this movie to others.  I commend JTro for putting this together w/o much time or funding, but the real question is why bother?  Maybe JTro is using the funds for something bigger coming up?  Until then, we have to take him down off of our must watch list.

05
Feb
13

The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

By badmoviethursday 1 Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cults, God Awful, Gory, Rules, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

the crow: wicked prayer

Date watched:  1/31/2013

Starring:  Tara Reid, Dennis Hopper, David Boreanaz, Edward Furlong, Tito Ortiz, Danny Trejo, Macy Gray

Where found:  Netflix Instant Queue

Plot:  Wicked Prayer follows Luc Crash, the charismatic gang leader of a ragtag band of Satanist bikers named after the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Luc murders Jimmy Cuervo (Furlong) and his girlfriend Lily as part of a ritual to become an immortal demon, but Luc finds that Jimmy has been transformed into the avenging spirit known at The Crow, intent on stopping Luc before he can become the Lord of the Flies.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Crows or say “Crow”

Cars with pictures or names on them

Stupid title shots

Say “Raven”

Scorpions

Flashbacks

Dennis Hopper says “shorty” or “homey”

Quotes:                    

“Blue eyed injun and a cold hearted killer.  Just what the Dr. ordered.”

“Jimmy you’re beakin’ my heart, and hearts are made to be broken”.  (He then cuts out the guy’s heart.)

“That’s the freeza my momma used to lock me up in.”

“Pestilence go down to the bar and score us some more peyote.”

“Killing is easy, forgetting is hard.”

“It’s El Niño, get it right cracker jack.”

“Kiss it bitch.”

“How is it you’re a virgin?”  Answer:  “I guess I’m just old fashioned.”

“Kiss the bride mother fucker.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Whoa, he just spun kicked the toxic chemicals.”

“Sweet ride, it’s like the General Lee but way shittier.”

“Is Edward Furlong supposed to be the good guy?  Because I hate him.”

“Was that a flash forward or a flash back?”

“So far, so terrible.”

Things we learned:

You need to dance around the crow to wake it up.

According to the filmmakers Mexicans and Native Americans look exactly the same.

Anyone can direct a movie.

Edward Furlong is the biggest loser in the town, but he can bag the hottest girl.

You can sell scorpions for $1 a piece at the local town store.

Tara Reid is a terrible actress.  (Ok, ok.  We didn’t really just learn that.)

Final Take: 

I had no clue what was happening in this movie, and it really didn’t matter.  This movie did not take itself seriously, and I didn’t either.  I didn’t buy any of the performances.  Tara Reid and David Boreanaz can’t play villains any better than Edward Furlong can play a hero.  I found myself rooting against Eddie.  Sorry dude, you may still look 15, but this isn’t T2 and it’s not 1991.  (I will say that I loved Dennis Hopper.  His 15 minutes of screen time are far and away the best of the movie.  I wish this was a film just about him.)

The original Crow was good, but the sequels not so much.  I saw that they might be developing a Crow remake.  Oh joy.  I guess as long as there are crows flying around in the sky, shitty movies will continue to be resurrected from the dead.

29
Jan
13

Fortress 2: Re-Entry (2000)

By badmoviethursday 2 Comments
Categories: Bad Movies, In Space, Rules, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

Fortress 2

Date Watched:  1/17/2013

Starring:  Christopher Lambert & Pam Grier

Plot: 

7 years after the original Fortress movie, Brennick and his family are still on the run from the Men-tel corporation. A group of rebels attempt to gain his support but he refuses, wanting to focus on his family. A raid follows and Brennick along with the rebels are captured and sent to a new, more sophisticated fortress prison in outer space. But Brennick’s not a man to give in easily, and with a 10 year old son waiting for him back on earth, he’s going to pack some serious assault on the evil corporation.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Stupid accents.

Saying or doing implantations.

Scanning bar codes.

Mannish woman acting like a man.

Say Fortress.

Say or show Men-tel.

Quotes:

“So, we killed anybody since I left?”

“Nobody likes a smart guy Brennick.”  Response:  “You must be very popular then.”

“Put him in the hole.”

“Those Russians will cut out your heart just to see the look on your face.”

“Girl, I could build a radio station out of a milk carton and two condom wrappers.”

“I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that myself.”

Viewer Quotes:

“He almost shot his kid in the head with a shotgun.”

“Is this movie called Fortress 2 Colon Re-Entry?”

About a woman: “Who’s that dude.”

“Let’s drink for the mannish woman dying.”

“I hate his accent.”

“Where do they get puddles of water in space?”

“They’re tapping into a cockroaches nervous system?”

“They sure do take a lot of showers in space.”

“What are all of those cuts on his face, are there cats flying by him?”

What we learned:

It’s really easy to escape from a prison space station.  You just need a giant empty crate that they happen to be loading and a stick of gum.  You stick the gum on the crate (not sure why exactly), jump in, and voila, you escape!

If that plan backfires, you just need to find a cockroach, attach a video camera to his back, and tap into his nervous system.  He’ll do the rest and navigate directly where you’d want him to go for your escape plan.

In space, people are very open to coed community showers as evidenced here and in Starship Troopers.  I wonder at what point in the future this becomes a reality.

The way to win over Russian prisoners who originally wanted to kill you is to play chess with them.  They use the chess pieces to exchange secret messages.  Show them that you’re onto their code, and they will instantly become your allies.

Final Take:

This is a completely passable B movie.  It requires no thinking and little engagement on your part.  (Christopher Lambert must have been thinking the same thing as he was acting out his lines.)  You will watch this movie and not remember a thing about it the next day, but know that you had a decent time watching it.  I’m somewhat interested in watching the original Fortress since we watched the sequel, but I would make absolutely no attempt to actually seek it out.  (For example, if I was reasonably intoxicated and unable to move and it came on TV, I wouldn’t intentionally make myself pass out to keep from watching it.)

On IMDB there is a quote from someone saying that they are a “massive Lambert fan”, and they were let down by the film.  I’m guessing the average person will look at Lambert’s past body of work and a movie subtitled “Re-Entry” and not have quite the same expectations.  For those looking for a crappy movie to share some drinks and some laughs over, this won’t let you down.

26
Jan
13

The Island (1980)

By badmoviethursday 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

220px-TheIsland1980

Viewing Date: 1/24/2013

Starring: Michael Caine, David Warner

Plot: Based on a novel by Peter Benchley (Jaws), the movie follows Blair Maynard (Michael Caine), a magazine journalist who travels with his son to an area of the Caribbean to investigate the mysterious disappearances of sailboats, yachts and other ships.  What he finds is a colony of pirates that have been living on a small island for 300 years.  The pirates capture the journalist and his son and due to bizarre traditions, they need to brainwash the son to become their future leader, which they do successfully in two days.  Maynard is spared from death because the pirates think he has noble blood and held captive so he can mate with the only female in the band of pirates (?).

Rules:

  • Someone says “Pirates” or any synonym for pirates (buccaneers, etc)
  • Flaming headwear
  • Someone says “Outrageous”
  • Someone says “Two Barb”
  • Nonsensical moments (advanced rule because there are a lot of them)
  • Music that is not appropriate for what is happening

Quotes:

“I got a job for you…”

(after the airplane pilot puts a hat on the 12 year old boy) “Tower gotta believe we got two pilots- it’s the law.  I tried to put it on the pig once.  The bitch bit me!”

“It’s like Lex Luthor’s place.  You know- the brainy guy who is always out to get Superman.”

“He die.  She whore.  Who pay to thrust with her?”

“You no talk.  You thrust.”

“Molasses!  You son of a bitch Manuel!!!”

“You be the trickster my son.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Thank you for larding me.”

“They all talk like cavemen.”

“Pumpin’…  And Blowin’!” (reference to ‘The Pirate Movie’ another bad movie Thursday gem)

“Do you think these people were coked out of their minds filming this movie?”

What We Learned:

  • The Caribbean is the asshole of the Western World.
  • Planes explode if they don’t use their landing gear.
  • Pirates don’t spend much time at sea.
  • If you kill a pirate, his widow is a whore if she kills her husband’s murderer.  If she doesn’t, he must thrust with her.
  • Lard is sexy and great lube.
  • You can be brainwashed in 2 days if matchsticks and water are involved.
  • A handful of old-timey pirates can easily overtake a fully manned Coast Guard vessel.
  • Giant stinging jelly fish guard pirate islands.
  • No eat, no thrust.

Final Take:

This was a bizarre movie and apparently it was an enormous box office failure when it came out and ruined several careers- so bonus points awarded for that.  The best part of this movie is virtually nothing that occurs is plausible or makes any sense whatsoever.  Boats (and people) are vanishing at a rate of once every three days and the Coast Guard / local governments / any one else is concerned enough to do a more thorough investigation?  No one has ever witnessed the pirates and been able to evade them or survive in the 300 years they’ve been doing this?  These few points are just the tip of the iceberg.  How the characters interact with each other, the brainwashing and every other aspect of this movie are ridiculous and not believable.  Had the pirates actually been zombies or ghosts that would have helped to suspend the disbelief, but this movie takes the premise completely seriously.  But again, that’s what makes this movie fun, so overall, this was an entertaining film.

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