Bad Movie Thursday

Date: 6/13/2013

Starring: Pretty much nobody.  Yes, a couple of people without limbs.

Plot: Two men skilled in the arts of Kung-Fu are betrayed by their master and crippled for life, one left with no arms and the other with no legs. Despite their obvious disadvantages, they learn to combine their martial arts skills and seek revenge against the evil master.

Rules

• Weird special effects sounds (particularly that up and down xylophone sound)
• Anytime they make fun of someone for being handicapped.
• Rubbing the mustache
• Evil Laughs
• Ghost faced killa beat somebody up
• Bad guy calling someone a fool or idiot
• Bitch slapped by a little hand.

Quotes

• “If you kill me today, who’s going to provide you with coffins?”
• “You are a sadistic monster.  One day you’ll get what’s coming to you!”
• “Now I’ve destroyed your legs.  Let’s see what you can do without them.  Don’t look at me like that.  There’s nothing you can do now.”
• “You fool!  Let me show you how to collect rent.”
• “You again?  Well, you don’t seem to like living very much.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Apparently he doesn’t need medical attention after getting his arms cut off.”
• “He saved his life by putting him in a coffin!”
• “Who orders someone to beat up a cripple?”
• “He fell in the river!  Should we call him Bob?”
• “I think he’s trying to catch those chickens?” – “Those are ducks!”
• “How do you know you’ve hit rock bottom?  You’re eating from a pig trough.”
• “Is he playing hackey sack with a dead bird?”
• “Mustaches everywhere!”
• “They’re called black and white!”
• “A study in how to make a kung fu movie with only 3 kung fu sounds.”
• “Was this movie the inspiration for hear no evil see no evil.”
• “This guy is either ghollum or the dude with the bitter beer face from those old keystone light commercials.”
• “Should we take offense that this guy’s in whiteface?”
• “They literally have an arsenal of 5 sounds.”
• “To be killed by that weird little leg might be one of the worst ways to go.”
• “How come we didn’t see that guy had a hunchback before?”
• “This is where’s he’s using his pole skills.”
• “Which one is considered crouching tiger?”
• “His hunch is a metal plate!”
• “This guy’s wearing earrings now.” – “Those are anal beads.”

What We Learned

• The man with no arms always trumps the man with no legs.
• Viewers are unable to decide whether it’s worse to live without arms or without legs.
• You can kill a man by pushing your toes into his adam’s apple.
• You can use your hunch back to attack or defend very effectively.
• A legless man on top of an armless man is an unstoppable force and holds the secret to unbeatable kung fu, according to some jade horse figurines.
• In fact that is not a great secret.

Final Take

This movie was a little disturbing to watch at first, but once you got past the initial horror of laughing at the depravity on screen, it was pretty enjoyable.  Look at all those quotes!  The ridiculous sound effects and terrible voice acting were pretty egregious and greatly entertaining.  It really felt like I was watching speed racer, with an extra “ha ha” thrown in any time they felt they needed an extra word for the mouth movements on screen.  I wouldn’t say it’s top 10, 20, but it might be somewhere up there.  And it was definitely memorable.  I’d probably give it a 3/5.

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

• Boobs
• Guys who are tools.
• Stupid Music
• Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

• “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
• “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
• “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
• “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
• “Welcome to rock bottom.”
• “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
• “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
• “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

• “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
• “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
• “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
• “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
• “The water park drains into the lake?”
• “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
• “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
• “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
• “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
• “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
• “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

• Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
• Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
• Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
• Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
• Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
• There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.