29
Mar
13

Piranha 3DD

Image

Starring: Gary Busey, The Hoff, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames

Date: 03/28/2013

Plot:

Magic piranha swim through a complicated network of underground lakes to reach a water park somehow.  They’re probably attracted to their natural habitat in highly chlorinated pool water.  Bring in some annoying tools, lots of boobs, The Hoff, and 4 days of shooting and BAM – you’ve got yourself a movie.  Bring on Piranha 3dd3!

Rules

  • Boobs
  • Guys who are tools.
  • Stupid Music
  • Gratuitous 3d

Quotes

  • “That’s the gassiest cow I’ve ever seen!”
  • “The hole where the water comes out…she’s so wet.”
  • “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!”
  • “Kids whizzing?  I can handle that.”
  • “Welcome to rock bottom.”
  • “Once these idiots get out of the water, it’s not as if these fish are going to follow them home.”
  • “You went back into the water…you little ginger moron.”
  • “How’d you buy that shotgun leg?” – “With the money I saved on socks.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “So these fish were born out of a cow’s asshole?”
  • “So I guess that’s the end of Gary Busey.”
  • “They’re finding elaborate ways to kill these kids.  I like it.”
  • “Luckily he’s still handcuffed.”
  • “The water park drains into the lake?”
  • “Her great idea is to go back into this lake where she was just attacked by killer piranhas?”
  • “Gee, if only she remembered the last time this happened…earlier today.”
  • “Who thinks it’s going to bite his dick off?”
  • “How did their van get into the middle of the lake?”
  • “Every single guy in this movie is a tool.”
  • “Does he have a leg gun?”

What We Learned

  • Piranha can live inside of a woman for a couple of days.
  • Piranha can chew through bone but not through a penis.
  • Piranha have no problem with chlorinated pool water.
  • Piranha can break through a steel wall but not through a glass tank.
  • Small towns have huge water parks and only one policeman.
  • There’s a vast network of connected underground lakes under the continental US.

Final Take

Piranha 3dd is not as good a movie as the first one, let’s just get that out of the way right now.  All of the big name actors (I use that term loosely) probably showed up for one day of shooting, mailed it in and left with their bag of peanuts.  The good news is that it’s still worth watching.  There’s lots of t&a, gruesome kills, and it definitely doesn’t play itself off as a serious movie.  If you can, you should definitely watch it in 3d as well.  Don’t get me wrong, this is no Avatar, but they’re definitely used liberally throughout the movie and lots of times to great comedic effect.  To top it off, The Hoff actually has a decent amount of screen time and has a few of the best lines.  I also heard that if you buy the movie and like their FB page, The Hoff will send you a hand-written thank you note with a signed head shot.  *Note – thank you is not guaranteed.

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