Archive for the 'Zombies' Category

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

16
Oct
15

Attila (2013)

attila_theatrical_poster-lowres

Viewing Date: 10/15/2015

Summary: When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret riches, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened; the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders. (via IMDB)

Starring: No one worth mentioning

Rules

  • Crazy scientist chews on a puzzle piece
  • “Staff” or “Stick”
  • Zombie monster kills somebody
  • Someone ineffectively tries to shoot zombie monster

 

Quotes

“You can pry it off, fry it off, or fuck it off.”

“It was stolen from our lab at zero-twelve-hundred hours.”  (zero-twelve-hundred?!)

“Bulldog, are you dead?”  “No Sir.”

Viewer Quotes

“Are these guys the A Team?”  “More like the C team.”

“Hamilton-esque hiccups!”

What We Learned

  • The holy grail was obtained during WWII
  • Nothing can kill the zombie monster and the only thing that can slow it down is karate.
  • The filmmakers seemed to think this movie is good enough to set up sequels
  • There is no purpose to the zombie monster except for murderous rampage
  • The reincarnated son of Attila the Hun has a burned up face, but the rest of his body is fine.

Final Take

Ehh…  The movie didn’t really make sense.  It was a stereotypical movie about an unstoppable monster that an elite (?) squad of soldiers have to take down.  They are all killed, and the general was behind it and had a secret agenda.  We’re still not sure why the zombie was killing everyone…  Skip this one.

12
Jul
14

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

A Cadaver Christmas

Date Watched: 3/6/2014

Starring: No One

Plot:

United by terrifying and bizarre circumstances, the janitor, the drunk, the bartender, the cop, his perp, and the student security guard must fight to undo the professor’s work. A dark force is at work in the cadaver lab this Christmas and this unconventional band of heroes are the only hope the world has against an army of living corpses that are quickly recruiting new members. The undead have been given the gift of life and it’s up to the janitor to take it back. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Zombies dressed up in Xmas attire
  • Say Cadavers
  • Christmas songs
  • Hippos
  • Every time drunk guy drinks

Quotes:

“I do love them hippos.”

“I was framed”, “Yeah, for f&&king a goat.”, “HER NAME IS BETSY, and WE’RE IN LOVE!!!”

“Step away from my perp, janitor.”

“Why don’t you talk to me?”, “I don’t talk to goat f&&kers!”, “YOU ARE A ZOMBIE!”

“You can’t just leave him here, he’s our friend now.”

“He stabbed Eddie in the neck with a desk!”

“Besides, I’m a janitor and I never leave a mess uncleaned.”

“I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking where did you get such a big rubber band?”

“Is he watching us?”  “Sort of, in the way that a deceased loved one might watch over us.”

“You really are the best friend I have… left.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Dude, this guy’s going to have sex with a corpse?”

“That guy’s not a bad actor.  I mean I don’t feel awkward watching him… and that’s something.”

Things We Learned:

-Cadavers come in shipments from UPS.

-You can kill zombies with a Xmas tree.

Final Take:

This movie was very enjoyable and a cut above your standard zombie fare.  It would be perfect to watch around Christmas time as an antidote to the typical holiday entertainment.  I’d much rather watch a zombie killed with a Christmas tree than an angel get its wings any day.

08
Mar
13

The Expendables 2

Expendables2

Starring: Everyone and their mothers.

Date Watched: 3/7/2013

Plot: A bunch of old dudes find an excuse to hang out together and blow up a bunch of stuff.  They are joined at various times by other old dudes who pop in to say a few lines from their old movies and then disappear.  This is both the plot of the movie and the plot of the making of the movie.

Rules

  • References to other movies.
  • Way too ridiculousness (subjective: best judgement)
  • Head Popping
  • Explosions (of course – house rule but called out for excessive use)
  • Pictures and references to skulls.
  • Stallone changes hats.
  • Advanced rule: death by knife
  • More advanced: somebody dies

Quotes

  • “Whoa whoa whoa whoa.  My big weapon’s hanging right where it is!”
  • “For all this male pattern badness I’m going to put you in the deepest darkest hole in Gitmo.”
  • “Why is it that the one that wants to live, that deserves to live the most, dies.  And those of us that deserve to die, keep on living?”
  • “What’s the plan?”  – “Track ’em, find ’em, kill ’em.”
  • “”Let’s beat some info out of these guys and get out of here.  Start with the midget.”
  • “Keep it light until it’s time to get dark.  Then it gets pitch black.”
  • “I heard a rumor, that you were bitten by a cobra.”  “Yeah, but after 5 days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.”
  • “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you… man and knife.”
  • “I’ll be back.”  – “You’ve been back enough…I’ll be back.”  – “Yippee-ki-yay.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “They’re out of guns.  Down to knives!”
  • “Now they’re in a plane all of a sudden.  How did that happen?”
  • “How did he get on there?  People just appear on their vehicles!”
  • “They flew all the way to New York in that plane from China.  Alrighty then.”
  • “Why can’t you talk, Mr. Stallone?”
  • “How’s he getting a phone call out here in the Albanian woods?’
  • “Sweet, sweet vengeance is now a requirement.”
  • “Oh, you’re an evil son-of-a-bitch, Jean Claude Van Damme.”
  • “That is sleep apnea if I’ve ever seen it.”
  • “That’s not carving up a turkey, that’s cutting off a man’s head!”
  • “Does that mean he made her do it?”

What We Learned

  • Sequels can be better than the original.
  • Dolph Lundgren is a chemical engineer.
  • 5 tons of plutonium is worth 22 billion dollars.
  • There’s 1940’s burned out towns in the middle of Albania.
  • Chuck Norris will show up when you most need him, single-handedly killing 30 men and blowing up a tank in 20 seconds.

Final Take

This was actually a pretty entertaining movie.  It took the ridulousness of the first movie to a whole new level, which is exactly what I was hoping to see.  Lots of explosions and plenty of blatant callbacks to each stars’ signature roles.  I don’t know if I’d want to see Sylvester Stallone in the next one, though, since he appears to be hitting the old age wall pretty hard.  For that matter, Jean Claude Van Damme didn’t appear too much better.  Despite their appearance, the final climactic battle between them wasn’t too shabby.  As far as Bad Movie Thursday viewing material, this was a win.  I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to other like-minded people looking for an over the top action flick that’s not afraid to laugh at itself.

18
Nov
12

The Dead Undead (Vampires vs Zombies)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plot:

A group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie like creatures whose only motivation is to feed on flesh, whether Human or Vampire. A group of Vamprie commandos tries to keep their identity secret, while trying to stop the spread of the infection. Soldiers from across the ages, it’s up to these vampires to end the zombie infection. Caught in the middle is a group of human kids on a camping trip, who team up with the Vampires in an attempt to survive. (from IMDB)

Year:

2010

Starring:

Some guy who looks like Corben Bernsen.

Rules:

Zombie flies back from being shot

Zombie hit by car

Hiding a Zombie/Vampire bite

Vampire getting burned by sunlight

Slow motion shooting guns

They say ZV

Quotes:

“Any luck Mr. Bad Wrench?”

“This is why I don’t stay at these scummy scum bag motels.”

“This isn’t a video game kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Worthless shower scene.”

“This Shelly is just like the real Shelly.  She drinks until she passes out.”

“Do you think one of these guys is named Chavez?”

“Worst death ever.”

Things we learned from this movie:

After you shoot a shotgun you should throw it away as it can’t be used anymore.

Garden gnomes explode when you shoot them.

You can be both a zombie and a vampire.  (AZV)

Flashbacks to ancient Roman times, Vietnam, or the Old West can literally happen any time w/o reason.

01
Jun
12

Against The Dark

Viewing date: 05/17/2012

Summary:

When most of the population of Earth is infected with a virus and transformed into flesh eaters and blood drinking creatures, a group of hunters led by Tao chases the vampire zombies to eliminate them. Six non-infected survivors try to find the exit of an abandoned hospital crowded with the infected creatures, and Tao and his group help them. Meanwhile, the military command is ready to bomb the area and wipe it from the map.

Starring:

Steven Seagal, the Rock’s cousin and Vampires (although they’re more like cannibal mutants)

Rules:

  • People bitten
  • Seagal one liners
  • Puns about vampires
  • Vampires hissing with fangs
  • Outdoor shot of hospital with symbol

Quotes:

“We’re not here to decide who’s right or wrong, we’re here to decide who lives or dies.”

“The thing about luck is you never know when it’s going to run out”




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