Archive Page 2

13
Mar
20

The Velocipastor

velocipastor

Date Watched: 03/12/2020

Starring: Dexter look-a-like

Plot: After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.

Rules

  • Weird Close-ups
  • Turning into dinosaur
  • Continuity breaks
  • Franky Mermaid references
  • Punk Music
  • “Dragon Warrior”
  • Memory montages

Quotes

  • Yo, Jerry, if you stuffed dicks in your mouth like you do that sandwich, I’d be a fucking millionaire by now!
  • “Touch not, thy sinning hands, Jezebel!”
  • “You think I like turning tricks for college?  There’s surprisingly low demand for hooker doctor lawyers.”
  • “Listen, Padre… Franky Fucking Mermaid smokes wherever he fucking wants because his life is on fiiiirrreeeeee.”
  • “I don’t know much about God.”  –  “I don’t know much about dinosaurs.”
  • “Father Stewart, what if I told you I was different?”  –  “You’re not that different.  There are plenty of men like that in the church.”
  • “Now the  hounds of hell are truly loose.  What have I done?”
  • “I believe in a higher power, but praying right now will never save…. … … … … …….your liiiiiiivvvvesssss!”
  • “Do you have any last words….velocipastor?”  –  “Only 6…. I think my hand is immune.  Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This movie’s only an hour and 15 minutes.”  –  “Yeah, but if feels like an hour and 25 minutes.”
  • “How are they communicating?  They’re speaking two different languages.”
  • “Is it just me, or has there been no dinosaurs for like 25 minutes?”

Things We Learned

  • Turning into a dinosaur starts by feeling empty
  • Nothing turns on a velocipastor like fighting ninjas.
  • Dinosaurs can use the force.
  • Velociraptors had a crazy hunch back.
  • Hooker doctor lawyers are great in a fight against ninjas (for the most part)
  • Ninjas feel really bad after killing the love interest.
  • Most of the time you only partially turn into a velocipastor (just the hands)

Final Take: This was a good one.  It obviously wasn’t taking itself too seriously, but in the best way possible.  This movie knew when to go all in on the craziness and when to let its warts show.  I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish.

13
Feb
20

Between Worlds (2018)

between Worlds

Date watched: 2/13/20

Starring: Nic Cage, woman from “Run Lola Run”

Plot: Joe meets a mother who can contact spirits when suffocating. Her daughter is dying when Joe helps the mother spiritually contact the daughter and save her. Unfortunately, the spirit in the daughter’s body is now that of Joe’s dead wife. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Every time Nic Cage drinks.
  • People talk about leaving their body or leave their body.

Quotes:

  • “Just ring it up Ricardo!”
  • “Next time why don’t you wrestle a man gator”
  • Woman asks the question: “Do you have family?”  Nic Cage answer: “wife and daughter, you like? (holding up their picture)… oops, they’re dead!”
  • Nice Cage to woman: “I smell like three days on the road.”  Her response: “I like it.”
  • “A man without a truck isn’t a man.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does Nic Cages hat actually say Turkey and the Wolf?”
  • What the daughter should ask the Mom when Nic Cage walks in with her, “who’s that scumbag with you?”

Things we learned:

  • Nic Cage’s favorite food is truck stop hot dogs.
  • Nic Cage wears a lot of stupid rings.

Final Take:  Not too shabby.  It was weird and well acted by everyone other than Nic Cage, although he certainly had his moments.  It was a decent addition to the Nic Cage library and worth checking out.

31
Jan
20

Surf II: The end of the trilogy

Surf II (1984)

Viewing Date: 1/30/20

Starring: Eric Stoltz, Eddie Deezen, Linda Kerridge, Terry Kiser, Lyle Waggoner

Plot:  Evil Nerd Menlo wants to get revenge on some surfers by selling a bad batch of soda called Buzz Cola which turns people into mutant zombies. Its up to Jocko, Chuck, Bob and their surfer buddies to save the day.

Rules:

  • Stock footage of surfing
  • “Bow bow”
  • “Tubes”
  • Side-by-side scenes
  • Gratuitous scenes- use your best judgement!

Quotes:

  • “He must be from LA.” “Bow Bow.” “You’d have to be crazy to drink that stuff our dads call cola.”
  • “Do you know how many brain surgeons, nuclear physicists, and Nobel laureates were surfers?  NONE.  We’re doing the world a favor.”
  • “Look, wenches!”  “Are you girls available for dating?”
  • “Those frogs must have kicked in.”
  • “Kids, if I need any shit out of you, I’ll squeeze your heads.”
  • “No human I know could eat like that…  and still surf.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “What kind of oil is that?”

What We Learned

  • You can make a convertible quickly if you have a chainsaw
  • Drinking cola and surfing is the American way.
  • Zombies are good surfers
  • Danny Elfman was in Oingo Boingo
03
Jan
20

Elves (1989)

elves

Starring: Dan Hagerty, Julie Austin, Elf Mcgregor

Date Watched: 1/2/20

Plot: A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Rules

  • 80’s nostalgia (Star Wars sheets, Guns n Roses, etc)
  • References to “The Forest”
  • Dan Haggerty references being an ex-detective.
  • Advanced: Dan Haggerty smoking a cigarette.  Normal:  Dan Haggerty not smoking a cigarette.

Quotes

  • “I’m your fucking sister!”  –  “Yeah, but you’ve got fuckin’ big tits and I’m going to tell everyone I saw them.”
  • “It was like a little man… like a ninja, only like a gremlin.”
  • “Oral…Santa said oral.”
  • “What happened to the beautiful youth of the day?  Don’t you believe in anything?”
  • “If you could ignore their brutality, you would have to say they’re just a bunch of crackpots!”
  • “What’s wrong?  Are we going to be alright?”  –  “No, Willie.  Gramps is a Nazi.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s brushing his teeth while smoking!”
  • “Is there a sign that says grenades for mom?”
  • “Isn’t this movie called Elves, plural?”

Things We Learned

  • If you go in the woods, you lose your savings account that you lawfully earned yourself.
  • How to get rid of a problem cat… drown it in the toilet in a pillow case.  Problem solved.
  • When there is no more room in hell, the elves will walk the earth.

Final Take: This was definitely an underrated holiday gem.  From the godawful elf prop to the completely flat Dan Haggerty acting, it was an over the top 80’s slasher flick that somehow incorporated Christmas, Nazis, and the antichrist.  The filmmaker’s vision was a bit too grand for their skill, sure, but you can sure appreciate the chutzpah.

20
Dec
19

Elves

Deanna Grace Congo, Lisa May, Stephanie Marie Baggett, and Amy Jo Guthrie in Elves (2018)

Viewing Date: 12/19/19

Starring: No one important

Plot

When a group of friends discover ancient elves locked in a cursed chest, they unknowingly unleash their wrath on the world. (via imdb)

Rules

  • Creepy elf doll appears
  • Elf face
  • “The naughty list”

Quotes

  • “Snort it.  Snort it all”
  • “This is like that movie ‘Truth or Dare’ but with Snapchat filters”
  • “Be naughty.  Have a drink.”

Viewer Quote

  • “This is a movie that is three separate, terrible movies cobbled together.”
  • “Always Be Cobbling.”

What we learned

  • The children’s section of a public library is a good place for adults to meet up and watch the local news on a laptop.
  • The elf rules are unclear and don’t seem to mean anything. You do what the elf says, you still die.
  • You don’t have to be an old person to be in an old folks home (in this town)

Final Take

This movie had it all: creepy dolls that possessed people to kill others or themselves, an ancient curse that was somehow connected to the first Christmas and the three kings, Krampus (or someone dressed up as Krampus?) killing people, and other random killers terrorizing old folks and their peers.  The issue was that none of these plot elements seemed to tie back to each other or make any sense whatsoever.  It felt like either there were 30 minutes cut out of the movie that tied it all together, or these were actually three or four separate movies that they tried to combine and see if anyone noticed.  Either way, it was absolutely dreadful film making.  It would have been more enjoyable- even as a bad movie- if they had just stuck with one story line and saw it through.  Once again, we got what we asked for.

Last thought:  If the movie poster (shown above) wasn’t included on Amazon Prime where we found the movie, there’s no way we would have thought we were watching the same movie.  Let us count the issues:

  1. “He’s back and he brought some friends.”  Who is he, and where is he back from?  This is not a sequel (that we are aware of at least), and there wasn’t even a single “evil” elf that was masterminding this burning pile of trash.  Multiple dolls / elves / whatever, were not seen together in the entire movie.
  2. The elves didn’t wield knives or other weapons, nor did they do any of the killing.  They simply suggested through notes (typically on ornaments), for others to do the killing or other “naughty” deed.  They didn’t even walk or move on camera, other than possibly some facial expression changes…
  3. The movie title “Elves”.  I’m not even sure if the dolls / spirits / whatever were even referred to as Elves the entire movie.  I could have missed it though if they were- can’t say I was paying close attention.

 

 

05
Dec
19

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)

Kirk Cameron Saving Christmas

Date Watched: 12/5/19

Starring: Kirk Cameron and “Friends”

Plot: His annual Christmas party faltering thanks to his cynical brother-in-law, former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron attempts to save the day by showing him that Jesus Christ remains a crucial component of the over-commercialized holiday. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Cocoa” or drink hot cocoa
  • Dubious history lessons
  • Mentions of the Bible
  • Kirk Cameron dropping “knowledge” (But it looks like he’s dropping a deuce)

 

Quotes:

  • “The things about stories is that they are tricky.”
  • “Where’s HO HO HO in the Bible?”

 

Viewer Quotes:

  • “This was definitely filmed on an iPhone camera.”
  • “Christmas is about elf worship.”
  • “Kirk Cameron is not the person to be knocking the rock.”
  • “Oh no, this movie is only going to take place in a car.”
  • “Is that Branden Fraser?  I really want it to be Brendan Fraser.”

 

Things We Learned:

  • Ska is so low right now that its in the main title sequence for this movie.
  • Bill on the couch doesn’t need help.
  • Santa Claus aka St. Nick beat people up who didn’t agree with him.
  • Presents are representative of the city of Jerusalem.

 

Final Take: Wow, this is really one for the ages.  I’m not sure that we can recommend it, but it is something to behold.  The movie boils down to two dudes talking in a car.  One of them proposes fairly logical questions, and the other uses completely nonsensical gibberish as a rebuttal.  This being Kirk Cameron’s movie, the gibberish wins out.  This “movie” is super short and mixes in a few other random scenes to make it over an hour in length, including a never ending final dance sequence.  I think we need to do a college symposium to really flush out everything that is wrong or confounding with what’s going on in this film.

 

25
Oct
19

Running With The Devil

RunningWithTheDevil

Date Watched: 10/24/19

Starring: Nic Cage, Lawrence Fishurne, Berry Piper, A. Blonde Girl

Plot: Drugs + Nic Cage = a part he was born to play.  Something is going on with a bunch of cocaine killing people.  Lots of plot threads barely come together, requiring a bit more attention than you are likely willing to pay.

Rules

  • Any text on screen.
  • Stupid Indiana Jones maps
  • References to ‘Cartagena’
  • People doing coke
  • References to Washington State

Quotes

  • “Sometimes my genitals are very hard to control.”
  • “Alright, wrigley…why don’t you get out and look for your phone.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Did he say genitals, or generals?”
  • “When you run with the devil, you get the horns?”
  • “If you can see the ground, you probably don’t need snowshoes.”

Things We Learned

  • Buy drugs at the source, it will be a fraction of the price.
  • Cops can take their suspects custody and torture them for days.
  • Nic Cage cannot die.
  • Don’t It’s ok to take the service elevator with a known killer.

Final TakeVery unfulfilling movie.  Didn’t relate to any of the characters.  I don’t know whether I was rooting for the drug dealers or the police.  It wasn’t quite dumb enough or smart enough to really register on too many levels.  Not over-the-top enough, either.  I can’t recommend this one.

 

20
Sep
19

The Last Airbender

Image result for the last airbender

Viewing Date: 9/19/19

Starring: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Nicola Pelz

Plot: Follows the adventures of Aang, a young successor to a long line of Avatars, who must master all four elements and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water Tribes and the Earth Kingdom.

Rules

  • “Avatar”
  • Using elements
  • Exposition moments

Viewer Quotes

  • “What kind of bender would you want to be?”  “I’d like to go on a bender…”

 

What We Learned

  • It’s in the heart where all wars are won.
  • Fire-benders can have hot hands.
  • The fire hates the moon
  • When the power arrow mohawk lights up, he means business
22
Aug
19

Rampage (2018)

Rampage

Date Watched: 8/22/19

Starring: The Rock, 80’s video game monsters, Negan as basically Negan

Plot: When three different animals become infected with a dangerous pathogen, a primatologist and a geneticist team up to stop them from destroying Chicago.  (from IMDB.com)

Rules: 

-Video game references
-Sign language w/ monkeys
-Say Crsper
-Dumb radio signal to lure the monsters

Quotes:

-“Is it me, or is he considerably bigger?”
-“I need that wolf… dead or alive”
-“What are you, some sort of International Man of Mystery?”
-“David, there’s something big in the river.”… “Well, that sucks.”

Viewer Quotes:

-“Has the Rock ever been in an actual good movie?”
-“Wow, this is really just a bunch of nonsense.”

Things We Learned:

-Monkeys can give people the finger and knock the Rock (pun intended).
-Ruthless CEO has Rampage video game in her office in a movie about Rampage video game.
-Doctors have access to helicopters.  (And damaged helicopters can “float” down buildings as they crumble.)
-Getting shot in the gut is no big deal if you’re The Rock.  (Just remember to occasionally wince.)
-Wolves can fly.

Final Take:

Not too shabby for a BMT Movie.  It certainly was silly, but it did a decent job of tone and being entertaining.  I’m not sure what else you could ask for in a movie about three cartoon monsters that scale a building.

09
Aug
19

Spies Like Us

spiesLikeUs

Date Watched: 8/8/19

Starring: Dan Akroyd, Chevy Chase, lots of 80’s actors who always played military personnel.

Plot: Two bumbling government employees think they are U.S. spies, only to discover that they are actually decoys for Nuclear War.

Rules

  • 80’s cliches
  • Spy cliches
  • Ronald Reagan sightings
  • Don’t forget house rule #11, mustaches.
  • Ace Tomato Co.

Quotes

  • “Done?  That was a static filled triple scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese.”  –  “The Chinese were only using a simple poly-phonetically grouped twenty square digit key transposed in booster-prodomic form with multiple nulls.”
  • “You just watch your moooouuuttthhhhh, mister.  The departments laying off civilians left and right.”
  • “Can you hold my wallet for me.  There’s 1000 dollars in there… or maybe there isn’t.”
  • “What was that?”  –  “It’s a dickfir.”  –  “What’s a dickfir?”  –  “It’s to pee with.”
  • “You see this?  That’s my sister.  You can all have her.  I hear she’s really good.”
  • “Thanks for the bruises, and you can keep the stool samples.”
  • “I guess we’ll be heading back to the ol’ UN, and of course we’ll be telling them what a great job you’re doing here.”
  • “I was probing to determine muscle tone and girth.  We mock what we don’t understand.”
  • “I was just looking for the Burt Reynolds Theater.”
  • “It’s Soul Finger, by the Bar-Kays.”  –  “They must be having trouble getting gigs!”
  • “Do you know what those things can do?  Suck the paint off your  house and give your family a permanent orange afro.”

Things We Learned

  • A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
  • When you’re pairing off at the end of the world, sometimes it works out for you.
  • If you only have a few minutes to live, find the nearest partner (whatever that means)

Final Take: A classic 80’s comedy, one of the few with both Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase.  It starts better than it ends.  By the end, you are definitely ready for it to be over.

 




September 2020
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