Archive Page 2

26
May
17

Mutant Chronicles

MutantChronicles

Date Watched: 5/25/2017

Starring: A surprising number of big name actors – Ron Perlman, Thomas Jane, John Malkovich, Alfred from Gotham, that chick from Sin City, etc.

Plot: 28th century soldier Mitch Hunter leads a fight against an army of underworld Mutants.

Rules

  • Overly complicated transition shots
  • References to the machine
  • Big name actors who shouldn’t be in this movie
  • (Advanced Rule) – Extreme close-ups
  • Smoking cigarettes
  • References to “corporation”

Quotes

  • “Do you not receive the sacrament?”  –  “I’m not hungry.”
  • “Death is the shark.  I’m just a guy with a gun.”
  • “You can fuck a lot of people.  You only die once.”
  • “There’s this girl.  I don’t even know her name…” – “You gave your ticket to a girl and you didn’t even fuck her?” – “I said I didn’t know her name.” – “So you did fuck her then!”
  • “And she’ll show her gratitude by shining my crack all the way to Mars.”
  • “What do you weight?” – “Very little.”
  • “What does it say?” – “Abandon all hope…motherfuckers.”
  • “Any last words?” – “Shut the fuck up.”
  • “What do you believe?” – “I don’t get paid to believe…I get paid to fuck shit up.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Are they flying a plane or operating a train?”
  • “Anybody hurt?  We’ve just been fighting mutants, for crissakes.”
  • “A steam-powered ship can make it to Mars?”
  • “Luckily the other mutants are giving them this time for a one-on-one battle.”

Things We Learned

  • Mutants can fly planes.
  • Machines can create mutants and have no reason to do so.
  • 800 years in the future machines will be flown using coal.
  • There are no countries, only corporations.

 

 

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12
May
17

Evil Aliens

evil_aliens_ver2_xlg

Viewing Date: 5/11/17

Starring:  Emily Booth, Jamie Honeybourne, Sam Butler (some Brits)

Plot

A TV crew, desperate to boost ratings, arrive on a remote Welsh farming island to investigate an intriguing incident. A local girl and her boyfriend had been abducted by aliens, who also impregnated her. (via IMDB.com)

Rules

  • “English!! (spitting)
  • Stones (mini Stonehenge)
  • Fluid get splattered.
  • Dismemberment

Quotes

  • “Nobody fucks with a UFO enthusiast!”
  • “What the fuckin’ hell the matter is with our bovine chums?”
  • “At least I’ll never get pregnant…  Loser!!!”
  • “I think it’s a little too late to win them over, honey!”
  • “What in Roddenberry’s name is that?!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “To me, it still doesn’t beat the thing going in his ass.”
  • “Aliens, Zombies and Nazis.  Those are the things that you can kill in video games and no one cares.”
  • “Now that’s what I call an abortion.”

What we Learned

  • Its very easy to rip off arms and dismember people / aliens.
  • You fly UFO’s and also mind control humans by rubbing a giant brain
  • Just go for the alien mask- an unmasked alien is an instant kill.

Final Take

This was a re-watch of one of our most memorable BMT films.  As we remembered, it was gratuitous in every sense- and a lot of fun to watch again.  This movie is in the Bad Movie Thursday hall of fame.

27
Apr
17

The Perfect Weapon (2016)

Perfect Weapon

Date Watched: 4/27/2017

Starring: Steven Seagal and the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop”

Plot: In the not so distant future, society is controlled by the powerful State and a dictator known as the Director. Condor works as a hitman for the State, but a reunion with someone he thought was dead forces him to consider who his enemies really are.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Seagal wearing stupid sunglasses
  • Seagal taking off stupid sunglasses (2 drinks)
  • Someone says “the State”
  • Killing people with a single blow

Quotes:

  • “They watch us through those things!”  (Said as he shoots the TV.)
  • “There he is, the legenadry Condor.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I can’t tell who’s fighting who.”
  • “It’s a good thing that woman just casually walked into the men’s bathroom.”
  • “Once you make a man’s head explode, there’s no going back.”
  • “I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed pretty stupid.”

Things We Learned:

  • Strip clubs in the future have hula hoops and shiny things.
  • The Bad Movie Thursday gang would rather go to dinner with Seagal over Van Damme, and Gary Busey over Seagal.
  • Cardboard boxes offer great protection against bullets.
  • Handsprings make you invulnerable to gunfire.
  • When you’re on the run, your own home isn’t the best place to hide.

Final Take:  Pretty forgettable, but the production value was decent, and it wasn’t boring.  You could do a lot worse than this.  I would say that hearing the word “Condor” over and over again made us wish that we were watching “Condorman” instead.

14
Apr
17

Hard Ticket To Hawaii

HardTicketToHawaii

Date Watched: 4/13/2017

Starring: Boobs Mcgee, “Long” Ron Dangle

Plot: In Molokai, two undercover drug enforcement agents are after a vicious drug kingpin, but on the way, they will also have to deal with a contaminated giant python.

Rules

  • Seeing the disgusting snake
  • Aviator shades
  • Boobs
  • “The Agency”
  • Flute music

Quotes

  • (Staring at a woman’s chest) “I’ll have a pair of coffee.”
  • “If brains were bird shit, you’d have a clean cage.”
  • “I’m going to give you the best seat in the house.”  – “Where is that?” – “Right here on my face.”
  • “You go down on her, you’ll be kissing the back of my head because I’ll already be there.  I think you know what I mean.”
  • “So tell me, what do you feel?” – “One man’s dream is another man’s lunch.” – “You son of a bitch.”
  • “Kinky sex… I’ll go get the midgets and the whips.”
  • “Who’s this?  You can’t be here, turkey.” – “He’s just a thrower.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He’s controlling the helicopter with his wand.”
  • “Why are these chicks doing martial arts?”
  • “Wow, they look real.” – “Are you talking about the diamonds?” (two topless girls in scene)
  • “You have the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

Things We Learned

  • The actress who plays Donna, Dona Spier, is in a number of other movies, almost always playing a character named Donna.
  • Agents in Hawaii are vacation hosts and know martial arts.
  • All snakes eat meat.
  • You can tap into a phone by putting a suction cup on the side of another phone.
  • Boobs can make a bad movie seem much better.
  • Nobody wore bras in Hawaii in the 80’s.
  • A rocket can be used to blow up a helicopter or just blow the head off a snake.  It can be dialed up or down to meet your needs.

Final Take: This was a keeper.  Definitely recommended.  Unintentionally funny, lots of boobs, explosions, and a contaminated snake that keeps making appearances for almost no reason.  It has all the trimmings.

17
Mar
17

Death Race 2050

Viewing Date: 3/16/2017

Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Manu Bennett

Rules

  • “United Corporations of America” or UCA Logo
  • “Hamilton”

Quotes

  • “I’m going to kill everyone in that montage.”
  • “Looks like rain today and enslavement by machines tomorrow.”
  • “The only thing that can kill an American is another American.”
  • “I’ll drink your tears Frankenstein!  I’ll lick them off your handsome face.”
  • “Smells like barbecue sauce and bed sores.”
  • “What’s this?”  “It’s called paaaaper.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Been there.”  “Just another night in the Olsen household.”

What We Learned

  • There is a 99.93% unemployment rate in 2050.
  • By comparison, Jason Statham movies can look like Oscar winners.
  • You get 10 points for killing civilians, 20 points for kids, 50 for seniors…  And 1000 points for the leader of the UCA!!!

 

 

23
Feb
17

Druids aka The Gaul (2001)

Druids Picture

Date Watched: 2/23/17

Starring: Christopher “There can be only one” Lambert

Plot:

An entire nation’s destiny lies in the hands of one man.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Silly Hats
  • Stupid Place Names
  • Stupid Hair

Quotes:

  • “Now, kick me in the ass.”
  • “Your incomprehensible talking does not help me.”
  • “Between a boy and a girl, I should be something different.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Why is Christopher Lambert still playing a young man?  Maybe at 50 that time is over.”
  • “I miss the days that you can throw food at someone without repercussion.”
  • “This movie feels like a fever dream.”
  • “Is that character’s name vas deferens?”
  • “I think this is like a 4 hour script and they picked scenes out at random to film.”
  • “We could just turn this movie off right now and my life would be better for it.”

Things We Learned:

  • Christopher Lambert can grow a mustache at any time and in any scene.
  • Graham only falls asleep during one movie = Druids.

Final Take:

This movie is a slog to get through.  I have no idea what this movie was about.  Halfway through the movie I started googling information to find out when Twins 2: Triplets would be released.  This nonsensical gibberish is not worth it.  Stay away.

17
Feb
17

Class of Nuke ‘Em High

classofnukeemhigh

Date Watched: 2/16/2017

Starring: Garbage

Plot: The pupils at a high school next to a nuclear power plant start acting and looking strange after buying contaminated drugs from a plant worker.

Rules

  • “Troma”
  • Seeing Nuclear Waste
  • Anything that’s “Too 80’s”
  • “Cretin”

Quotes

  • “I don’t give a wet fart what you think.”
  • “That’s one way to evacuate the school.”
  • “I suggest you make like a hockey stick and get the fuck out of here.”
  • “It may just be my woman’s intuition, but something’s going on!”
  • “Does this mean we’re not going to the Fellini festival?”
  • “God Bless America, limp dick”
  • “Nobody does this to Taroo!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Who’s this movie about?  Who’s the star?”
  • “What!?  Was that supposed to be his boner?”

Things We Learned

  • Touching nuclear waste turns you into a crazed lunatic murderer.
  • When you watch MTV, you turn into a cretin.