Archive Page 2

17
Nov
17

R.I.P.D.

RIPD

Date Watched: 11/16/17

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, Mary Louise Parker

Plot: A recently slain cop joins a team of undead police officers working for the Rest in Peace Department and tries to find the man who murdered him.

Rules

  • Someone says “RIPD” or “Rest In Peace”.
  • See the alternate version of them.
  • Royseafus does something old cowboy.
  • Someone says “Dead-O”

Quotes

  • “You know what my funeral was?  Watching a bunch of coyotes pick my carcass clean and drag my bones off to a cave.  A freakin’ cave, hoss.”
  • “You ain’t my partner, rook.  You’re just the ass in the other seat.”
  • “RIPD don’t and don’t sleep.”  –  “So why do you eat this?”  –  “I enjoy the mouthfeel!”
  • “I thought you were some kind of rebel, Roy.” – “I fought for the North.”
  • “Total humiliation.  Just a pants-down spanking in the supermarket.”
  • “You agreeing with me… that’s weird.” – “Yeah, feels strange…kind of tingly.”
  • “She billy-goated me!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “What’s this thing called?  Ripped?”
  • “As a big-budget Hollywood blockbuster, this is a disaster.  But as a smaller, no expectation, weird flick, it’s not bad.”
  • “So time freezes anytime anyone dies?  Nobody would get anything done!”

Things We Learned

  • Indian food transforms dead people into monsters, specifically cumin.
  • RIPD don’t eat or sleep, just kick Dead-O’s ass.
  • Dead people still live among us (some of us knew that all along)
  • Jeff Bridges likes a nice turn of an ankle.
  • How to billy-goat somebody.

Final Take: Not as bad as some will have you believe.  If your expectations are as low as ours were, you will likely find this movie just fine, and Jeff Bridges character in particular was pretty entertaining.

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03
Nov
17

Security (2017)

Security

Date Watched: 11/2/2017

Starring: Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley

Plot: A security guard protects an eleven year-old girl who is being targeted by a gang for participating as a trial witness. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • See an American Flag
  • See generic mall imagery like cheesy family pictures on the wall

Quotes:

  • “You like cleaning toilets?”  (Response)  “I’d do anything.”
  • “That’s why we call him Mason Bacon.”
  • “Right now time is our enemy.  Lets make time our friend.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Did Antonio Banderas actually make any movies that made money… not counting Shrek or the first Zorro?”  (Response)  “Of course he did.  He was an A List star at one point… (looking at IMDB) oh wait, never mind.”
  • “Is this the Ecks vs. Sever sequel?”
  • “The pitch for this movie: Lets do Die Hard in a mall with a little slice of Home Alone.”

Things We Learned:

  • Snipers hired by Ben Kingsley are terrible.
  • When Antonio Banderas promises you that if you stay with him you’ll be fine, you won’t be, you’ll be dead.

Final Take:  Entertaining and highly watchable.  Everyone takes this movie very seriously, as they should.  The production values and the cast elevate this silly material way above where it should be.

20
Oct
17

Silver Bullet

41SDMRH0M5L._SY445_

Viewing Date: 10/19/17

Starring: Corey Haim, Gary Busey, Terry O’Quinn, Megan Follows

Plot: A werewolf terrorizes a small city where lives the paralytic Marty Coslaw, his uncle, and his sister, the story’s narrator (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Product Placement
  • Gary Busey drinking or doing other Gary Busey-esque things (acting crazy, etc)
  • Corey Haim in the Silver Bullet

Quotes

  • “Suicides go to hell.  Especially when they’re pregnant.”
  • “There are no words to comfort- there is only PRIVATE JUSTICE!”
  • “I built that because I love you and it would kill me if you got hurt…  Now let’s get some barbecue.”
  • “Who was that?”  “Obscene phone call.”
  • “Some times I think that you’re common sense got crippled along with your legs.”
  • “I’m a little old to play the Hardy boys meet Reverend Werewolf!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “That’s a big mustache.”  “He’s definitely given some rides on that.”
  • “If only he had a cell phone.”  “If only he had legs.”  “Well, he has legs….”

What We Learned

  • If you’re committing suicide, and then are immediately murdered, it’s sort of a win.
  • Before they got into rap, they did wrestling (NWA wresting scene on TV)
  • Locke from Lost once had hair
  • Narration is usually completely unnecessary
  • Serial murders in a small town really don’t warrant any additional attention from police, feds, etc.
  • Paraplegics are really good at climbing trees and driving motorcycle-like wheelchairs (with no training)
06
Oct
17

Ghoulies 2 (1988)

Ghoulies 2

Date Watched: 10/5/2017

Starring: Some guys that died

Plot: The Ghoulies wreak havoc at an amusement park, disposing of those who mistake them for mere fairground attractions. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Stop motion
  • Someone says “Carnival”
  • Someone says “Tunes”

Quotes:

  • “I can do body work… baboom!”
  • “Have you seen my little muffy?”  (Response) “Who hasn’t?”
  • “He don’t go nowhere without his tunes.”
  • “This place is better than Epcot Center.”
  • “I’m a magician you sons of bitches!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Were girls actually uglier in the 80’s?”
  • “Can they re-brand the carnival to be the Devil’s Anus?”

Things We Learned:

  • Ghoulies can make cat sounds to lure in cat lovers and kill them with a switchblade.
  • 10 year olds have ninja throwing stars at their disposal to throw at wayward Ghoulies.
  • Having Ghoulies is a great way to make some extra mula from your crappy carnival ride.

Final Take:  Ghoulies delivers once again.  Like Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College,  this was great in terms of cheap entertainment and thrills.  Who doesn’t like a trashy carnival, especially circa 1988?

22
Sep
17

The Veil

TheVeil

Date Watched: 9/21/2017

Starring: Cubano Joe and/or Ricky Martin, nobody else.

Rules

  • “The Veil”
  • People wearing the mask (or veil)
  • “The princess”
  • Stupid strut walking

Quotes

  • “My dream of rebuilding our kingdom is finally coming true, and I won’t stop killing until I do.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “All this plot exposition is bullshit.” – “It’s not like we’re missing out on anything.”
  • “That’s just nerds taking karate classes.” – “They’re larping.”
  • “Is that really the coolest sword they could come up with?” – “It sure doesn’t look very cool.”
  • “If they’re not a nomadic people, and have been there for years and years, why would they have those silly tents?”
  • “What in the fuck just happened?”

Things We Learned

  • Don’t put dead bodies in your water supply.
  • What the word discursive means.  I will never forget the meaning of that word because of this movie.

Final Take: As a wise man on IMDB once said, “this movie is very discursive.”  Completely impossible to follow.  The action was not good, the acting was pretty bad, the storytelling was unintelligible, there was just nothing redeemable in this pile of crazy.  The best that could be said of this movie is that nobody fell asleep.

08
Sep
17

The Tomb

tomb

Viewing Date: 9/7/17

Starring: Wes Bentley, Michael Madsen, Eric Roberts, Kaitlin Doubleday

Plot: Successful writer and scholar Jonathan Merrick falls under the spell of the irresistible, bewitchingly beautiful Ligeia. She’s fighting a fatal illness and she will stop at nothing to defeat death, her one true enemy. She steals other people’s souls and on her quest to immortality she tricks Jonathan into supporting her work, breaking him apart from his fiancé Rowena and pulling him into her dark, mysterious world. They settle down in an old manor by the Black Sea where Ligeia’s everlasting presence slowly drives Jonathan to madness… (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Creepy Swing
  • Horseback Riding
  • Bleeding Eyes
  • Grim Reaper
  • “Macabre”
  • Snake Symbol

Quotes

  • “You’re vibrating with sexual energy.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He (Wes B) should stick to back-up roles- secondary villains.” “Like Supernatural…” “Or One Tree Hill…” “Or TeenWolf.”
  • “This is me, when I’m 60.  Drinking absinthe in Crimea.”  “Having a cigarette.”
  • “I’ve seen a lot of 90 minutes movies before, but this is the longest.”
  • “She’s a conduit.”  “A condiment.”
  • “At least there wasn’t a monkey butler.”

What We Learned

  • Women are attracted to men with money (no, really.)
  • If you’re possessed, you have a different hairstyle
  • Being in an Academy Award winning film early in your career doesn’t necessarily mean additional success.

 

 

17
Aug
17

Flying Monkeys (2013)

flying monkeys

Date Watched: 8/17/2017

Starring: No One

Plot: Teenager, Joan gets more than she bargained for when her workaholic dad buys her a cute pet monkey who grows wings, fangs, and an insatiable thirst for blood come nightfall. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Clichés
  • Regular Monkeys
  • Wizard of Oz references
  • Say “Monkey”

Quotes:

  • “If you’re going to bite me, I’m going to kill you.”
  • “It seems like you got a lot of birds here. You got mostly birds?”
  • “Now you got a monkey, how am I going to compete with that?”
  • “We’re looking for a monkey that recently flew to America.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “He didn’t have a buyer for this crazy monkey?”
  • “Sorry I’ve never been there for you, here’s a monkey.”
  • “Thanks creepy Dad with your giant chin.”

Things We Learned:

  • The way to redeem yourself when you’ve been a deadbeat dad is to buy your daughter a monkey.
  • The full moon brings out the flying monkey.
  • Monkeys get to be a lot bigger when they become murderous flying monkeys.
  • In Texas, even the nerds drive big trucks.

Final Take:  Great ideas and set up, but this movie ultimately felt like a SyFy Channel movie with not enough gore and gruesomeness.  This movie should have pushed the limits, instead it held back, and therefore we can’t really recommend it.