Starring: A guy who does Speed Stick commercials, the girl from The Flash, and a bit of C. Thomas Howell
Plot: A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Show Dandy Donuts sign
Donuts eating someone
Quotes:
“Please never enter my lair when my door is locked.”
“Damn that acid is kicking in.”
While having sex… “You’re the clam in my chowder baby.”
“You’re not remotely disturbed by the fact that I just hit this guy with my car at 60 miles an hour, he survived, looked like a zombie, then shat his guts out, glowing green radioactive shit, in case you guys missed that part, before plopping over and dropping dead?”
“Ball on fire man! Ball on fire!”
“Just give us enough pink stuff to kill the donuts.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Why is this scene happening at all?”
“Getting eaten by a donut… it’s a terrible way to go.”
Things We Learned:
Donuts have a random eject button from the fryer, and the donuts come out fully glazed.
Donuts can drive a car.
Final Thought:
It was ok. It definitely owes a lot to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. So, it’s got that going for it. It also has C. Thomas Howell, which is another bonus. But it doesn’t really go over the top with the potential it has.
Starring: Kevin Sorbo and Danny Trejo and a little bit of Jason Mewes (who must have lost a bet)
Plot: A man returns to California to be a pool cleaner after an eternity of fighting in Vietnam. But it’s been taken over by Mexicans and one of them murdered his family. He settles it the only way he knows. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Poolboy”
Filmmaker narration scenes
Kevin Sorbo saying terrible stuff
Quotes:
“Maybe I’ll dress up as a scarecrow and watch you sleep with my wife”
‘It’s just… f*ck you Alexander Graham Bell.”
“What did you bring me his arm for anyway? You should have brought me his d*ck.”
“Why are you making mashed potatoes with dildos?”
“I don’t want to die in stock footage?”
“I sh*t enchiladas and piss Horchata.”
“I could buttplug a double quarter pounder right now.”
Viewer Quotes:
“What is this f*cking movie?”
“What is going on here?”
“Is Kevin Sorbo 69ing a blow-up doll?”
Things We Learned:
Will Smith made Pat Morita die in real life.
You can get a handjob from a clown… and it’s a sexual awakening.
Wang Chung will license Dance Hall Days for any purpose… including this movie.
Final Take:
This movie is purposely terrible. The acting, plot, etc. is awful. That part mostly works and is generally funny. It also ventures into being so racist and offensive that it tries to become satire, which is a harder needle to thread. Its relentless offensiveness will be off-putting for most audiences, and it becomes tedious and too much at times. (Especially so the lines delivered by Sorbo. I don’t know how to accurately describe him with his terrible hot takes, but I just saw him called an “underemployed crabapple”, so let’s go with that.)
I would be curious to know what Danny Trejo thinks about Poolboy today. He’s a hugely likeable star and seemingly a good dude too. On the other hand, he probably doesn’t give too sh*ts about this movie or even remembers it out of the hundreds he’s made.
Some funny stuff. Some overly offensive and tedious stuff. Proceed at your own peril.
Starring: Devon Sawa (aka guy from Final Destination and Idle Hands but older now), Michael Jai White, Bruce Campbell, Ivana Baquero, Seth Green’s voice
Plot:
A group of toy store employees must protect each other from a horde of parasite infected shoppers. (From IMDb)
Rules:
Jump scares
Say “Toys”
Say “Green Friday”
Quotes:
“Bathroom… I’m parking a Buick man.”
“No one gives a flying f$ck about your training or plaques Anita.”
“You park that Buick?”
“That’s some dark sh$t man.”
“My ears hurt from listening to Air Supply 50,000 times.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Didn’t that actor have a moment in Final Destination and Idle Hands?”
“Anita gets it (aka dies), and I couldn’t be happier.”
“I like Ruth.”
Things We Learned:
Washing your hands at work in a toy store is cause to be fired.
There’s always enough time to have one more beer.
Final Take:
Likable cast, decent, not super memorable. This one definitely isn’t a classic BMT, and I had to watch the trailer again on IMDB to even remember it. I think we enjoyed it for what it was, which is a bad holiday movie. I think they needed to add a bit more humor. I don’t have many quotes captured, and I don’t think I missed a lot. Bruce Campbell was good in a side role.
Fun Facts: This movie was based on a discarded 1994 Power Rangers script. Also, Seth Green randomly appears as a voice in this movie. He previously costarred with Devon Sawa in Idle Hands.
“Time to get off the bench. Time to play offense!”
“Oops- air ball!”
What We Learned
A bathtub, door jamb and a bucket of rocks are all you need for a killer workout
A plastic bag is somehow a deadly weapon under water
There are a band of cybermonks in Rome that have been doing research for 500 years
Don’t use your son as a human shield and then be mad about it when he gets killed
Final Take
Some great action sequences with JCVD and interesting concepts about counter-intelligence and the ‘deep state’, but otherwise a silly plot, bad acting and a lot of mediocrity.
Double Team did capture some of the magic from JCVD’s glory days- the recovery training / escape plan montage in the Colony was a highlight, but otherwise nothing outstanding. The action scenes were especially long with lots of explosions and jumping / diving. There is a particularly odd sequence at the beginning of the movie where Jack Quinn (JCVD) and Stavros (Rourke) and battling it out in the Newborn Unit of a hospital. Not sure if the director thought that that would really raise the stakes of the battle (no adults / personnel / security / police to be found anywhere, just babies), but it was mostly just uncomfortable to watch.
It also felt like there was some kind of back story missing between JCVD and Rourke’s characters. Everything seemed to be personal, but not really explained, other than the involvement of Rourke’s family and their subsequent killing in the beginning of the movie (although Rourke seemed to know it was a trap).
As expected, Rodman is just a sidekick inserted for comic relief. His character is an international arms dealer that only cares for himself, but quickly reveals his heart of gold.
Standard Bad Movie Thursday fare here- you could certainly do worse when looking at the “late career” offerings from JCVD, Seagal, Dolph Lundgren, etc.
Plot: The zany “stewdents” at a wacky flight attendants’ school have all sorts of wild and crazy high-flying adventures in this ’80s comedy. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Wings
See the main character’s stupid glasses or references to poor vision
Slapstick crap
Quotes:
“You assholes just wiped out half of Los Angeles.”
After farting… “Man, I just got to lay off that pork fried rice.”
“How’d you like me to pull that little wee-wee off.”
“Do you want to play hide the salami?” After getting punched… “I guess a BJ is out of the question?”
“Fasten your seat belt, are you blind.” This was said to a group of blind people.
“BJ is two words.”
Viewer Quotes:
“It’s time for her to do her hair for her hat.”
“This is so stupid.”
About the guy wigging out… “That looks like me on a SW flight.”
Things We Learned:
The best way to get up a big stairway is by motorcycle.
They had sundae bars on airplanes in the 80’s.
The best way to stop a bomb on a plane is an ass.
Stewardesses have to go to school.
Final Take:
It feels like there was an Executive pitch meeting with an idea to combine Police Academy and Airplane! and make a movie. Deciding that this was a great idea, they started shooting the next day with any 80’s actors that happened to be around the studio. I have to say that they were right! This is a great piece of cinema. I thoroughly enjoyed the tremendous cast of random 80’s actors and slapstick stupidity.
Plot: Ricky is the hottest water-ski instructor around and he has just been rehired by his former employer/camp to whip up attendance. But the camp is in serious financial trouble and the owner of a rival, more popular, camp wants to buy them out. Therefore they will have to engage in a mean, winner-takes-all competition that will settle the row once and for all. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Pranks/hijinks
Cringe worthy Corey Feldman moments
Say “Ricky Wade”
Quotes:
“I’m getting a woody.”
To girl’s chest… “Hey Bill, hey Ted, any excellent adventures lately?”
“By any chance are you checking ID’s… cause all I brought was my IUD.”
“Et tu, Bruno?”
“These must be really special boobs if we have to sneak up on them.”
“I was painting rocks to look like dried fruit and nuts.”
“I was in Goonies.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Are these people in their mid-20’s supposed to be high schoolers?”
“Is that what camps are like?”
Things We Learned:
There are raccoons just out everywhere at shitty summer camps.
Final Take:
This is an odd movie. Why is there a summer camp for adults where both the attendees and the counselors are twentysomethings? Maybe there is an underserved market for this kind of thing, but it seems like a peculiar business model. Additionally, Corey Feldman can apparently make or break these camps based on his mere presence. This is even more absurd based on how incredibly awkward he behaves. His dance scene is particularly cringe inducing.
So, would we recommend this movie? Well, sure. It’s weirdness probably enhances its entertainment value.
Finally, speaking of weird and Corey Feldman, I once attended his birthday party at a swanky restaurant in LA in 2000 or 2001. It was advertised in the local paper where anyone could attend if they called the number and rsvp’d. The steak dinners were great. (Thanks Corey!) I’m not sure if we were supposed to pay, but the tables were pulled away, and Corey started up with his band in front of us. For those who want the unique experience of this themselves, I’d recommend finding the youtube of his Meatballs 4 dance and pairing it with one of his classic songs like “What is a Dog?”.
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Vivica A Fox, Dude from 30 Rock
Plot: Fin has to go back in time to rejoin his shark-battling friends to stop the first Sharknado and save humanity. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “time”
Callbacks to previous Sharknado movies that we don’t remember
Say “Sharknado”
Dee Snider quotes one of his songs or other cameos that the character makes a reference to themselves
Talking about needing speed
Quotes:
“Welcome to prehistoric times.”
“I’ve actually been eaten and pooped out by a lot of dinosaurs.”
“First time ever on a pterodactyl?”
“These are the same drawings that are at Stonehenge.”
Dee Snider: “I think I know who’s twisted Mister.”
Viewer Quotes:
“Is that the guy from 30 Rock?”
“This movie is… something else.”
“OMG that is Deana Troy.”
“C’mon, you’re better than this Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
“If I could get a chainsaw sword for Christmas, I would be pretty delighted.”
Things We Learned:
You can only go back in time once.
One of the consequences of travelling in time is changing sexes and then not remembering.
20,000 years in the future all people are Tara Reid
Final Take:
Well, if you’ve made it through five other Sharknado movies, then you kind of know what you’re getting into with number six. I can’t say that this one is better or worse than the others, because I have little to no memory of them. They all provide a decent BMT experience, and they all are immediately forgettable. I think we’re kind of glad to be done with this series. Wait, what’s that you say? Ian Ziering and the makers of Sharknado created another movie called “Zombie Tidal Wave”? Darn, I guess we kind of have to see that at some point. 🙂
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives, Amos from the Expanse
Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Algorithm”
Say “1764”
Product placement
Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”
Quotes:
“I need you to kick my ass.”
“Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”
Viewer Quotes:
“This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer. The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
“Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask… Or a Reagan mask.”
Things We Learned:
There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates. But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.
Final Take:
This was pretty silly and painless. It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy. (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.)
Starring: Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, Dona Speir, Bruce Penhall
Plot: Juan Degas is the Jack of Diamonds, a nefarious armsmonger who intends to smuggle a big quantity of a new state-of-the-art weapon into America through Hawaii. In order to do so, Degas desperately needs to come up with a clever scheme to get out of his way the Agents who threaten the success of his plans. With the intention to liquidate both L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, Degas’ assassins manage to engage them in a dangerous, fast-paced chase that will eventually lead them to Las Vegas, thousands of miles away. However, when Degas’ men abduct Donna’s mother, it will be his biggest mistake because, from that point on, things are about to get personal. Hungry for revenge, Donna armed with a devastating rocket launcher, she will have to go through stealthy ninja assassins and radio-controlled scale boats loaded with explosives to protect her family. (via IMDB)
Rules
Gambling references
Hawaiian Landmarks
Cross Dressing
Different “moods” of music (requires subtitles on)
Remote control vehicles
Quotes
“Restaurant owner by day, secret agent by night”
“Baking bread to busting heads.”
“Don’t just do something. Stand there!”
“That mother is a bitch.” “That bitch is my mother.”
“That’s what’s known as a plan” (mansplaining)
“You know the type. Loose hips, wet lips.”
“Hiyah my ass!”
Viewer Quotes
“You’re going in a little aggressive dude.” “He’s the Jack of Diamonds.”
What We Learned
Getting busy on a motorcycle is a good time.
If you’re a secret agent, you need a side hustle– but note they can widely vary in level of responsibility (run a hotel on the Las Vegas strip or be a stripper)
Reflections in a mirror can be very confusing to tell which person is real- even if the person is standing right in the doorway (let’s not even consider the angles and mirrors required to create such an “illusion”).
♫ Don’t play with guns, they aren’t much fun. ♫
Bud light and a grenade is the best way to kill a magician.
Hit men are into cross-dressing
Final Take
Andy Sidaris movies have really become our go-to when we don’t have anything in mind and can’t quickly find something through Amazon Prime. You know exactly what you’re getting with a Sidaris movie, but for Bad Movie Thursday, that is a good thing: gratuitous nudity, a mind-numbingly stupid plot, remote control vehicles, decent entertaining action sequences with explosions, and bad (but quotable) dialogue. I can’t really say if this one was any better or worse than any of the other Sidaris movies (same basic plot, same actors, etc, but Guns does have the bonus of featuring Bad Movie Thursday Hall-of-Famer Danny Trejo, and Erik Estrada. But we had a good time, laughed quite a bit, and no one fell asleep (not even Marcella), so this one can be considered a winner.
Starring: Frank Grillo and Nic Cage (Partial Appearance)
Plot: Every six years, an ancient order of jiu-jitsu fighters joins forces to battle a vicious race of alien invaders. But when a celebrated war hero goes down in defeat, the fate of the planet and mankind hangs in the balance. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Seeing the Comet
Weird Subtitles
Fidget Spinners Attack
First Person Video Game Scenes
Stupid Cartoon Storyboard Transitions
Quotes:
“I like women with thick thighs.”
“Do you know those Jedi Knights that just took out my entire unit?”
“I got a license to kill you… No expiration date.”
“I know that the spaceman likes you.”
Viewer Quotes:
Regarding Nic Cage: “Is he supposed to be Asian? Is he wearing a Sombrero?”
“Oh look, it’s the Ninja Turtles Temple.”
Things We Learned:
Nic Cage makes really good hats out of newspaper.
You can split one sword into two swords.
The movie Jiu Jitsu doesn’t have a lot of Jiu Jitsu in it.
Final Take:
There was a lot of potential here for something awesome. Sadly, it fell short. The movie is a never-ending barrage of fighting with little to no plot or dialogue. It’s as if they shot a three-hour movie and then edited anything out that had to do with story or cohesion. There are moments of cool things, but the sheer repetitiveness and ripped off Predator theme suck most of the fun out. Nice Cage is also underused both in screen time and in the sheer lunacy for which we watch his films.
Bad Movie Thursday 