Bad Movie Thursday

Starring: Christian Slater and meteor man

Date Watched: 2/27/14

Plot: Four astronauts working at a lunar base suffer a meteor strike that brings an infection that leads to paranoia, fear and death.

Rules

• People refer to meteors or you see meteors
• Malfunctions
• Shots of outside that are obviously models
• Excuses for seeing the alien
• Alien noises
• Hallucinations

Quotes

• “I’m sensing what it’s doing”
• “My guess is…is that it sampled Bruce’s DNA when it bit him.  It figured out that the male was physically stronger so it replicated itself into him to survive.”
• “It’s taken on human form.  It should be easier to find.”
• “It is clearly a threat to mankind”

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s an inherently smart organism.  It doesn’t learn, it just knows.”
• “Those space masks are just gas masks with hoses attached.”
• “Step 1 is for you to get back to Earth with your terrible space disease.  That’s all that matters.”

What We Learned

• Aliens can read our positions through their human hosts
• When an airlock is open things move in slow motion
• Aliens are inherently smart, knowing how to use complex systems the day they are born without training of any kind.
• The best way to treat carbon monoxide poisoning in an inebriated person is to put them on a treadmill.   
• Escape pods take a long time to prep.  Do not count on them in emergencies.   
• Alien species exist simply to kill all humans.  Just because there can be only one species.
• Aliens are masters of human hand to hand combat

Final Take

Date: 9/12/2013

Starring: Jar Jar Binks, Space Dracula, aliens from the Star Wars cantina

Plot: An intergalactic fighting competition between champions of various worlds has traditionally been won by a species much larger and stronger than humans. Entering the contest, a human finds he has to battle against not just his opponents and his self-doubts, but the corrupt system.

Rules

• Victory in the arena
• Rip-off from Star Wars or Star Trek
• Every time 4 arms has to make use of his weird extra arms.
• Shorty references some stupid planet
• “Steve Armstrong”

Quotes

• “Your crib has been folded.”
• “Hey what happened?” – “An Earthling, that’s what happened.” <alien frog voice>
• “It is obvious that no human being can compete.  That’s what’s being proven here tonight.”
• “Save it for the fans.  No point in giving away what the public will pay for.”
• “As long as there are Steve Armstrongs out there in the world, there will be contenders!”

Viewer Quotes

• “He hit him with his third arm.”
• “He’s got his brain showing.”
• “Look at this guy.  He looks like a garbage pail kid.”
• “That dude looks like Admiral Akbar on Meth!”
• “That’s pretty nice gear he’s got on.  Nice sports bra.”
• “This is just random words and tones thrown together.”
• “Those two are an item.  They have the grossest sex in the universe.  Dirty, furtive sex.”
• “That was short, even by montage standards.”

What We Learned

• Earthlings are terrible fighters in the arena.  There hasn’t been a human champion for 50 years.
• There are no decent entertainers in space.
• There are no two of any alien race on the Arena space station.
• Crystalplex cures blood poison.
• The space station snack bar owner is the most power man on the station.
• Future fighting standards in space aren’t that high.
• Aliens have the most generic english names that stem from their descriptive features.

Final Take: 

Date: 8/22/2013

Starring: Carrie Fisher, Al from Quantum Leap, and a bunch of Englishmen.

Plot 

In the distant future, the human race nears extinction.  Only the hardiest of people, Australians, have survived.  They live in a city that can apparently travel through time, propelled by the shear power of Al from Quantum Leap’s acting prowess.  Pursuing them through time are weird cyborg creatures.  There is no reason for these cyborg creatures to relentlessly chase them through time and space, only their apparent hatred of all things Aussie.

Rules

• References to other Sci Fi Movies
• “Spin”
• Australian colloquialisms, “Mate”, “Crikey”, “Reckon”, “G’day”
• Stupid future outfits (at your discretion)
• Terrible quality music
• “Time”
• “Jendiki”

Quotes

•  “These aren’t plumbers you can bribe to get your bathroom fixed overnight, lady.  They kill to live.”
• “Triangulate the time spheres.”
• “I come from the future.  From a city that travels in time.  It can land in any time zone.”
• “He was a … what do you cal it .., feral child?”
• “Ballard, the time guardian, has run out of time.”

Viewer Quotes

•  “This music is so terrible.  It’s like video game music.”
• “Is this 1988?  Why does that guy look like an old prospector?”
• “These are such practical outfits.  Sawblades around the head.”
• “This is 2000 years in the future.  Why is shit so similar?”
• “Is the Coors Light train coming through?”
• “Princess Leia is a 20th century expert?”
• “They’re finding some kind of spheres?  What are these spheres?  Why haven’t we heard of them before?”
• “Where did these time spheres come from?”
• “Ballard’s got a Charlie Sheen haircut.”
• “What’s the deal with this guy?  Is he the world’s biggest asshole?”  –  “Pretty much.  He peed his pants and now he’s reading comics.”
• “That’s an adidas time sphere.”
• “Even Carrie Fisher’s shirt has healed.”

Things We Learned

• You can pull guns out of broken time spheres – but there is a cost.
• Aborigines are in touch with time guardians.
• There’s some kind of connection between the confederate south and Australia.
• Lawmen in Australia are the most evil, corrupt people in the country.
• Time Travelling cities need a flat piece of land to warp to.  Prairies or other naturally flat landscapes do not work.  They must flatten the land by hand and with earth movers.
• Australia is a hotspot for time travelers.

Final Take 

What do you get when you cross Star Wars, Star Trek, Terminator, Mad Max, and Quantum Leap?  Kind of a mess.  This movie was mildly entertaining at times, but mostly hard to follow.  There’s no explanation for why these cyborgs are trying to chase this city through time.  If they have all of time and space at their command, isn’t there room enough for the both of them?  Not according to the cyborgs.  Also, the leading actors in the movie, Al from Quantum Leap and Carrie Fisher, have probably 10 minutes of screen time.  That’s a big red flag.  All in all, it’s probably not worth going out your way to see.

Date: 6/13/2013

Starring: Pretty much nobody.  Yes, a couple of people without limbs.

Plot: Two men skilled in the arts of Kung-Fu are betrayed by their master and crippled for life, one left with no arms and the other with no legs. Despite their obvious disadvantages, they learn to combine their martial arts skills and seek revenge against the evil master.

Rules

• Weird special effects sounds (particularly that up and down xylophone sound)
• Anytime they make fun of someone for being handicapped.
• Rubbing the mustache
• Evil Laughs
• Ghost faced killa beat somebody up
• Bad guy calling someone a fool or idiot
• Bitch slapped by a little hand.

Quotes

• “If you kill me today, who’s going to provide you with coffins?”
• “You are a sadistic monster.  One day you’ll get what’s coming to you!”
• “Now I’ve destroyed your legs.  Let’s see what you can do without them.  Don’t look at me like that.  There’s nothing you can do now.”
• “You fool!  Let me show you how to collect rent.”
• “You again?  Well, you don’t seem to like living very much.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Apparently he doesn’t need medical attention after getting his arms cut off.”
• “He saved his life by putting him in a coffin!”
• “Who orders someone to beat up a cripple?”
• “He fell in the river!  Should we call him Bob?”
• “I think he’s trying to catch those chickens?” – “Those are ducks!”
• “How do you know you’ve hit rock bottom?  You’re eating from a pig trough.”
• “Is he playing hackey sack with a dead bird?”
• “Mustaches everywhere!”
• “They’re called black and white!”
• “A study in how to make a kung fu movie with only 3 kung fu sounds.”
• “Was this movie the inspiration for hear no evil see no evil.”
• “This guy is either ghollum or the dude with the bitter beer face from those old keystone light commercials.”
• “Should we take offense that this guy’s in whiteface?”
• “They literally have an arsenal of 5 sounds.”
• “To be killed by that weird little leg might be one of the worst ways to go.”
• “How come we didn’t see that guy had a hunchback before?”
• “This is where’s he’s using his pole skills.”
• “Which one is considered crouching tiger?”
• “His hunch is a metal plate!”
• “This guy’s wearing earrings now.” – “Those are anal beads.”

What We Learned

• The man with no arms always trumps the man with no legs.
• Viewers are unable to decide whether it’s worse to live without arms or without legs.
• You can kill a man by pushing your toes into his adam’s apple.
• You can use your hunch back to attack or defend very effectively.
• A legless man on top of an armless man is an unstoppable force and holds the secret to unbeatable kung fu, according to some jade horse figurines.
• In fact that is not a great secret.

Final Take

This movie was a little disturbing to watch at first, but once you got past the initial horror of laughing at the depravity on screen, it was pretty enjoyable.  Look at all those quotes!  The ridiculous sound effects and terrible voice acting were pretty egregious and greatly entertaining.  It really felt like I was watching speed racer, with an extra “ha ha” thrown in any time they felt they needed an extra word for the mouth movements on screen.  I wouldn’t say it’s top 10, 20, but it might be somewhere up there.  And it was definitely memorable.  I’d probably give it a 3/5.