Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 4/10/14

Starring: Michael Rooker, Casper Van Dien

Plot

A co-ed group of Special Forces agents search the wilderness for a predator type creature that has been on a killing spree.

Rules

• Dismemberments, Cut off limbs
• Screeching birds (this one really pays off)
• Teleporting horse
• Remember ‘creature vision’ is a house rule

Quotes

“There isn’t anything on Earth that could scare him.”  (in a wooden and laconic voice).

“I think I’ll drop back a piece.  Sniff around a little.”

“They call him Cotton Mouth Joe.”

“Whatever it was it fooled us.  It had our number- big time.”

“What was down there?”  “Don’t ever ask me that again.”

Viewer Quotes

“On yeah.  He’s a native American alright.”

“Where did he come from, where did he go…”

“Why would he be fishing at the top of a waterfall?”

“How many times have I seen the life go from Casper Van Dien’s eyes?…”  “Not enough.”

What we learned

There are ‘undercover’ search and rescue teams.  They dress just like normal hikers.

If you’re on a covert mission in the backwoods of California, you’d better have an underwater demolitions expert in your crew.

If guns, grenades and landmines don’t stop a supernatural killer, you might as well try a poorly-planned electricity trap.

Final Take

This movie was a poorly written, unintelligible mess, but you know what?  It had non-stop, nonsensical action and killing, so it was a winner in my book.  We had to rewind a number of sequences to try to figure out what the hell just happened, but ultimately, it really didn’t matter.  A guy dressed as the grim reaper, riding a teleporting horse was racking up an incredible body count for no particular reason (I think it had something to do with being an Indian spirit), makes no sense, but we were entertained.

 Starring: David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer

Date Watched: 4/17/2014

Plot: An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.

Rules 

• Stupid Star Maps
• Horrible Ship Models
• Terrible space battles
• Sliding down poles
• “Stella Star”
• Stupid hick robot says stuff
• Alien Powers

Quotes

• “I only have logic and emotion circuits.  No room for craziness.”
• “Give me any trouble and I’m gonna clean out your sinuses real good, lady.”
• “Now may be a good time to use your ancient system of prayer, and hope it works for robots too.”
• “Stop!  No one can survive these deadly rays.”
• “Time for a little robot chauvinism.  You stay here.”
• “I can’t leave you.  You’re the only human-like friend I’ve ever had.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Why did he slide down that pole when there’s stairs on either side?”
• “Did they only shoot one take for every scene?”
• “What the fuck is going on?  Every scene is less than 30 seconds long.”
• “How can we do the entire Star Wars trilogy in an hour and a half?”
• “Oh God.  A southern bumpkin robot?”
• “Those seats do not look comfortable.  I guess they haven’t discovered ergonomics in the future.”
• “Oh!  How did we miss that?  It doesn’t have any joints though.  We’re OK.”
• “They have airfighters?  They were riding horseback?”
• “That thing’s the most worthless whatever-it-is that I’ve ever seen.”
• “Is he telling the robot to fire the laser cannon, or do they have a laser cannon robot?”
• “Who expected that we’d see cavemen in this movie?”
• “Is she still wearing her bikini?  Covered in siran wrap?  Look at how awkwardly she’s walking.  Did she poop her pants?”
• “I’d like to think that someone that can see the future would be a pretty good swordsman.”
• “How do you think he goes?  Does he just disappear?”  –  “There will be flashing… Nailed it.”

What We Learned

• Attractive prisoners have to wear prison-issued bikinis.  Everyone else is in rags.
• Huge alien robots are inept and do not have joints.
• When in trouble, use your laser shooting mask as a club and run away.
• What happens when you stab a robot with a lightsaber?  It disappears.

Final Take

That was one of the “best” thursday night movies we’ve seen in a while.  So entertainingly bad.  The special effects are some of the worst I’ve seen, and the acting isn’t much better.  For some reason almost every actor’s voice is dubbed, and the plot jumps from scene to scene without any logical connection.  Despite all of that, it’s entertaining all the way through.  A young David Hasselhoff is just icing on the cake.  Check it out if you get the chance.

Starring: Christian Slater and meteor man

Date Watched: 2/27/14

Plot: Four astronauts working at a lunar base suffer a meteor strike that brings an infection that leads to paranoia, fear and death.

Rules

• People refer to meteors or you see meteors
• Malfunctions
• Shots of outside that are obviously models
• Excuses for seeing the alien
• Alien noises
• Hallucinations

Quotes

• “I’m sensing what it’s doing”
• “My guess is…is that it sampled Bruce’s DNA when it bit him.  It figured out that the male was physically stronger so it replicated itself into him to survive.”
• “It’s taken on human form.  It should be easier to find.”
• “It is clearly a threat to mankind”

Viewer Quotes

• “It’s an inherently smart organism.  It doesn’t learn, it just knows.”
• “Those space masks are just gas masks with hoses attached.”
• “Step 1 is for you to get back to Earth with your terrible space disease.  That’s all that matters.”

What We Learned

• Aliens can read our positions through their human hosts
• When an airlock is open things move in slow motion
• Aliens are inherently smart, knowing how to use complex systems the day they are born without training of any kind.
• The best way to treat carbon monoxide poisoning in an inebriated person is to put them on a treadmill.   
• Escape pods take a long time to prep.  Do not count on them in emergencies.   
• Alien species exist simply to kill all humans.  Just because there can be only one species.
• Aliens are masters of human hand to hand combat

Final Take

Date: 9/12/2013

Starring: Jar Jar Binks, Space Dracula, aliens from the Star Wars cantina

Plot: An intergalactic fighting competition between champions of various worlds has traditionally been won by a species much larger and stronger than humans. Entering the contest, a human finds he has to battle against not just his opponents and his self-doubts, but the corrupt system.

Rules

• Victory in the arena
• Rip-off from Star Wars or Star Trek
• Every time 4 arms has to make use of his weird extra arms.
• Shorty references some stupid planet
• “Steve Armstrong”

Quotes

• “Your crib has been folded.”
• “Hey what happened?” – “An Earthling, that’s what happened.” <alien frog voice>
• “It is obvious that no human being can compete.  That’s what’s being proven here tonight.”
• “Save it for the fans.  No point in giving away what the public will pay for.”
• “As long as there are Steve Armstrongs out there in the world, there will be contenders!”

Viewer Quotes

• “He hit him with his third arm.”
• “He’s got his brain showing.”
• “Look at this guy.  He looks like a garbage pail kid.”
• “That dude looks like Admiral Akbar on Meth!”
• “That’s pretty nice gear he’s got on.  Nice sports bra.”
• “This is just random words and tones thrown together.”
• “Those two are an item.  They have the grossest sex in the universe.  Dirty, furtive sex.”
• “That was short, even by montage standards.”

What We Learned

• Earthlings are terrible fighters in the arena.  There hasn’t been a human champion for 50 years.
• There are no decent entertainers in space.
• There are no two of any alien race on the Arena space station.
• Crystalplex cures blood poison.
• The space station snack bar owner is the most power man on the station.
• Future fighting standards in space aren’t that high.
• Aliens have the most generic english names that stem from their descriptive features.

Final Take: