18
Apr
14

Starcrash

Image

 Starring: David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer

Date Watched: 4/17/2014

Plot: An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn.

Rules 

  • Stupid Star Maps
  • Horrible Ship Models
  • Terrible space battles
  • Sliding down poles
  • “Stella Star”
  • Stupid hick robot says stuff
  • Alien Powers

Quotes

  • “I only have logic and emotion circuits.  No room for craziness.”
  • “Give me any trouble and I’m gonna clean out your sinuses real good, lady.”
  • “Now may be a good time to use your ancient system of prayer, and hope it works for robots too.”
  • “Stop!  No one can survive these deadly rays.”
  • “Time for a little robot chauvinism.  You stay here.”
  • “I can’t leave you.  You’re the only human-like friend I’ve ever had.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “Why did he slide down that pole when there’s stairs on either side?”
  • “Did they only shoot one take for every scene?”
  • “What the fuck is going on?  Every scene is less than 30 seconds long.”
  • “How can we do the entire Star Wars trilogy in an hour and a half?”
  • “Oh God.  A southern bumpkin robot?”
  • “Those seats do not look comfortable.  I guess they haven’t discovered ergonomics in the future.”
  • “Oh!  How did we miss that?  It doesn’t have any joints though.  We’re OK.”
  • “They have airfighters?  They were riding horseback?”
  • “That thing’s the most worthless whatever-it-is that I’ve ever seen.”
  • “Is he telling the robot to fire the laser cannon, or do they have a laser cannon robot?”
  • “Who expected that we’d see cavemen in this movie?”
  • “Is she still wearing her bikini?  Covered in siran wrap?  Look at how awkwardly she’s walking.  Did she poop her pants?”
  • “I’d like to think that someone that can see the future would be a pretty good swordsman.”
  • “How do you think he goes?  Does he just disappear?”  –  “There will be flashing… Nailed it.”

What We Learned

  • Attractive prisoners have to wear prison-issued bikinis.  Everyone else is in rags.
  • Huge alien robots are inept and do not have joints.
  • When in trouble, use your laser shooting mask as a club and run away.
  • What happens when you stab a robot with a lightsaber?  It disappears.

Final Take

That was one of the “best” thursday night movies we’ve seen in a while.  So entertainingly bad.  The special effects are some of the worst I’ve seen, and the acting isn’t much better.  For some reason almost every actor’s voice is dubbed, and the plot jumps from scene to scene without any logical connection.  Despite all of that, it’s entertaining all the way through.  A young David Hasselhoff is just icing on the cake.  Check it out if you get the chance.

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