Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 3/5/2015

Plot: If the worst day of your life consisted of accidentally killing your girlfriend with an axe, chain-sawing your own arm off, and watching in horror as your closest friends were devoured by a zombified Nazi battalion, you’d have to assume that things couldn’t get much worse. In Martin’s case, that was only the beginning. (via IMDB)

Starring: Some Norwegians

Rules

• Waking the dead / turning someone into a zombie
• say “zombie”, x2 for “zombie squad”
• Dismemberment / disembowelment
• Star Wars references

Quotes

“I have chocolate.  I could get it for you.  It’s double-triple fudge.”

“Didn’t we agree to be more casual around here?”

“I was expecting Hoth, but this is more Endor.”

“It would be easier if you could buy weapons here.” “Yeah.  What the fuck is wrong with this country?”

“Don’t hurt me!  I have two kittens!”

“What are you talking about?!” “It’s Satan’s arm.  It’s a long story.”

“We’re fucking nerds.  That’s what we do….  Technical shit.”

“What did the forensic team say?” “That’s not the forensic team, that’s Tim Ollie.  They dressed in all white today.  They thought it would look more professional.”

“I didn’t know there was supposed to be an ugly face convention in town.  Come get me if you dare.”

“What the hell is going on?  Is there a carnival in town?”

Viewer Quotes

“They have violated every rule.”

What We Learned

• There are Nazi zombie doctors can reattach limbs
• You can siphon gas with someone’s intestines
• You can hide from nazi zombies by posing as a mannequin
• The best way to counter an evil Nazi zombie army is with a slightly less-evil Russian zombie army
• A seagull translator would be invaluable to police detectives

Final Take

This movie was fantastic!  We enjoyed the first one as being a better-than-average zombie horror comedy, but this one was a serious step up.  The production value went up, it was in English (Norweigian dubbing didn’t really hurt the first one though), and they broke all of the unwritten rules of going over the top in horror movies.  Multiple murders of handicapped people, children, women with baby strollers- but in a funny way (can I say that?)…  Absolutely ridiculous, but the dialogue was spot on and had funnier parts than most comedys coming out these days.  The guy who played the museum employee nailed it.  This will likely go in as one of the top 10 most enjoyable bad movie Thursday films so far.

Date Watched: 2/26/15

Starring: Lance Guest, Robert Preston

Plot: A video-gaming boy, seemingly doomed to stay at his trailer park home all his life, finds himself recruited as a gunner for an alien defense force.  Every video gaming boy’s secret hope.

Rules

• “Starfighter”
• Iconic 80’s images
• “Ko-Dan”
• Centauri speaks in the third person.
• That thing closing over the alien’s eye

Quotes

• “Shifting into star drive at Columba Zeta.  Hold tight.”
• “Not even your mighty starfighters will be able to save you.”
• “What if the Wright brothers thought that only birds should fly?  And did Galoka think that the Utils were too ugly to save?”
• “An exact duplicate of you only not as loud.”
• “Where’d it go?”  –  “It’s still there.  Suspended in the Xenon mist.  It’s only visible when you look dead ahead.”
• “Terrific.  I’m about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung ho iguana.”
• “I’ve locked it’s beamer frequency so it can’t report back to the armada.”
• “A mobile cave that never went anywhere?  Fascinating.”
• “We’re locked into the moon’s gravitational pull.  What do we do?”  –  “We die.”
• “Alex, what is all this?”  –  “I’ve been to another planet, Ma.”

Viewer Quotes

• “You think all these old people give a shit about this video game?”
• “This is the best thing you can hope for your son, that something like this will happen in his lifetime.”
• “Now he just needs to drill this chick, then come out and get high fives from everyone.”
• “In typical 80’s fashion, the one hot chick has no boobs.”
• “Wow, that looks terrible.  Is this still the video game graphics we’re watching?  I think the original playstation has better graphics than this.”
• “Is that Will Ferrell?”
• “Wouldn’t you have wanted to move the base, knowing that there’s someone that wants to kill you all and knows exactly where the base is?”
• “You can’t stay on Rylos with Centauri and Grigg.”
• “So anybody could have been a Starfighter.  It took no skill.”

What We Learned

• People are all white balding men on Rylos.  Even the women.
• All aliens are humanoid, with arms, legs and heads.  But of course Star Trek taught us that.
• Earth isn’t at war with anyone except themselves.
• Don’t bother learning to be a good starfighter.  It all comes down to the death blossom in the end.
• Aliens don’t die.
• Betas make terrible stand-ins.  At the first sign of trouble they’ll fold and admit they’re a beta.

Final Take:  Nothing like a little nostalgia.  This movie is supposed to be a grand epic, but it’s really pretty simple.  It’s fun if you have fond memories of it from watching it as a child like I do, but it’s definitely not an instant classic.  I don’t think any of those actors went on to anything else after that movie, so that might tell you something.  It’s fine. You’ll like it.  Just don’t expect to remember it a week from now.

Date Watched:  2/19/15

Rewatch: 1/23/25  We didn’t all enjoy the masterpiece that is Division III the first time around, so we decided for a rewatch ten years later.  We were also curious as to why this post is one of the most popular on our illustrious blog.

Starring:  Andy Dick

Plot: This ensemble comedy follows the Pullham University Bluecocks, a small liberal arts college with a Division III football program (the lowest division in the NCAA). When the head coach unexpectedly dies, the future of the flailing football program is in jeopardy, as they have not had a winning season in decades. In a desperate attempt to create some media attention for the athletic program and the university, President Georgia Anne Whistler hires known lunatic and felon, Coach Rick Vice, for what could be the football programs final season. Vice, an overly aggressive redneck racist, quickly becomes the team’s and athletic director’s worst nightmare. Vice especially butts heads with Mitch DePrima, a reluctant quarterback who was drawn to the college thinking he would play ball as a big fish in a small pond, only to find himself riding the bench in his final year. Navigating between an insane coach, meat-head teammates, his male cheerleader roommate and the sexy new sports trainer, Mitch struggles to find himself. But Vices particular brand of unorthodox coaching, may just be the spark that Mitch and the entire team need to turn the program around and become winners!  (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Say “Rick Vice”
• Double Entendre’s
• Cameos
• Shooting guns
• Coach abuses his players
• Coach says “Get Some”
• Not lighting a cigarette
• Bike throwing
• *new* Breaking clipboards

Quotes:

• “It’s like black history month all the time.”
• “I was abused sexually and otherwise.”
• “If you don’t pick up the pace, I’m going to rip off your little peckers and shove them up your mother’s hot pockets, little f$ck and f$cks.”
• “This world is run by greedy self-serving morons.”
• “Why don’t you step up into the gauntlet you bitch nuts.”
• “I don’t care if you like slits or dicks, the best player is playing.”
• To the hot girl – “You got any raisins? How about a date?”
• “What the f$ck are you doing out there? Having a little sewing circle?”
• “You’ll be all be up to your poop shoots and blood and guts in Iran soon anyway.”
• “You’re whining more than Mike Vick’s puppy.”
• “I’ve heard of Sigmund Freud, cause he’s the one that f$cked his mother.”
• “Hello Roy, how long you been sitting there eyeballing and assf$cking me?”
• *new* “Darwinism?  I call it evil-ution.”
• *new* “I’m French Irish.”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Wow, this whole movie is like one big awesome quote.”
• “Are all the college players in this in their 30’s?”
• “Is he drinking from a coffee mug with Hitler on it that says “Fail!”?”

Things we learned:

• Andy Dick is an amazing filmmaker.
• You can snort protein powder like cocaine.

Final Take:  This was a great flick filled with many awesome lines from AD.  We had a great time watching it, and we would definitely recommend Division III to others.  If you are easily offended then this is not the movie for you, but then again Bad Movie Thursday probably isn’t either.

*update*:  Second watch was just as good.  Its an offensive, quotable, pile of garbage, but in the best way.  We’re hoping for a sequel (Division IV?) assuming Andy Dick doesn’t die first.

Date Watched: 1/8/15

Starring: Christopher Walken, Jerry O’Connell, Anthony Anderson

Plot: Two childhood friends, a New York hairstylist and a would-be musician, get caught up with the mob and are forced to deliver $50,000 to Australia, but things go haywire when the money is lost to a wild kangaroo.  Way to go, Bruckheimer.

Rules

• Zany chases
• Stock footage (house rule, but just a reminder because this one pays off here)
• “Kangaroo”
• Cartoon sound effects
• Christopher Walken uses a big word
• Kangaroo eats candy

Quotes

• “Her tears are like a plethora to me.  Wait, they’re like anathema to me.  I can’t even talk right now!”
• “I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial.”
• “I put the money in the jacket, and the jacket on the kangaroo, and now he hoppin’ away.”
• “What are these things?”  –  “Termite mounds.  I read about them in the book.”  –  “Careful, Louis, you almost missed one!”
• “If Sal Maggio thinks we stole his money, he’ll kill us, make my mother watch, then make her clean it up!”
• “I think I just sweated out a bottle of yohoo I drank in the eighth grade.”
• “You just complain and whine line a woman.”
• “They’re having a picnic in my shorts and I brought the sweets.”
• “Hey, I had to come all the way down here to the sphincter of the galaxy to straighten out this puked up, fur ball of a mess.  Do not agitate me!”
• “I hate this country like a sickness.”
• “Guilt was the glue that held this friendship together.”
• “We’re having a very intimate non-gay moment.”

Viewer Quotes

• “If there’s a reference to camel toes, we have to drink.”

What We Learned

• Kangaroo Jack is a serious, classically trained actor.
• A kangaroo can outrun a jeap
• Kangaroo Jack does not inspire a lot of viewer quotes.
• The only time Kangaroo Jack speaks is during fever dreams.
• Kangaroos like candy.
• It’s not a good idea to dress an apparently dead kangaroo up in your clothes and take pictures with it.

Final Take

This was a bit funnier than I initially would have thought.  It starts out terrible, with a stupid premise and two awful characters, but it actually starts to grow on you a bit as the movie progresses.  Right at the end, when you’re thinking “Hey, I guess this wasn’t as bad as I’d heard”, it kicks you in the face with 10 minutes of pure sap that it is better just to forget.  I’d recommend watching it, but turn it off before the credits.

Viewing Date: Dec 11, 2014

Plot: A freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a Sharknado on the population and its most cherished, iconic sites – and only Fin and April can save the Big Apple.

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, Kelly Osborne, Mark McGrath, Vivica A. Fox, Andy Dick, Kari Wuhrer

Rules

• Sharknado
• D-List celebrities getting killed.
• “209”
• “Shark”
• A shark eats someones limb / head
• “Finn”

Quotes

• “You should be eating fresh, you know.” – Jared Fogel
• “Take my hand, I’m going to save you.”
• “Frogger.”
• “You know what you just did, didn’t you?”  “Don’t say it.”  “Jumped the shark.”
• “Even the sharknados are tougher in New York.”
• “…shark falling rates of two inches per hour…”
• “Let’s go show them what it means to be a hero.  Let’s go show them what it means to be a New Yorker.  Let’s go kill some sharks!!”
• “Not going to need this again.” (as he tosses aside her previously eaten / severed arm)

Viewer Quotes

• “Tara Reid has old person neck!”
• “They’ve run on ‘a-head’ of the Statue of Liberty tumbling head.”
• “He knows exactly what’s going on.”  “He’s a surfer, after all.”
• “I wish there was more Andy Dick in this movie.”

What We Learned

• Giant crocodiles live in the NY Subways (well, we know that from urban legends).
• Sharknado 2 was brought to you by Coors Light and Subway
• D-Listers come out in droves for Sharnado.”
• Sharks can stay alive airborne in a sharknado for days at a time, and they don’t digest arms / guns that they

Date Watched: 12/4/14

Starring: Famke, Renner, and Gemma.

Plot

Hansel & Gretel are bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past.

Rules

• “Hansel” or “Gretel”
• See new Witch (advanced)
• Gun slung over shoulder
• “Blood Moon”

Quotes

• “There’s no use in praying, my friend.  Even your God knows better than to come here.”
• “Then again, we hunt witches for a living.  What’s normal?”
• “The only good witch is a dead witch.”
• “The last time I was in water like this, I was after a formidable serpent witch.  She could breath under water, which make her difficult to track, but she also looked like a toad.”
• “The house of Adriana, your whore of a mother.”
• “Whatever you do, don’t eat the fucking candy.”

Viewer Quotes

• “They’re playing quidditch.  And one of them’s after the snatch!”
• Troll gets white fungus out of waterfall – “A little lubricant?”
• “Drink one for the midget witch with no legs.”
• “Ninja siamese witches – that’s the worst kind!”
• “He just smacked her ugly.”

What We Learned

• Witches magic doesn’t work on Hansel or Gretel
• Witches give people diabetes
• Witches are susceptible to medieval tazers.
• Witches are easier to kill when they’re in groups of 100.
• There are midget legless witches and siamese ninja witches

Final Take

Could have been worse.  It exceeded the expectations.  The gratuitous violence definitely made the movie.  That and the siamese ninja witches and midget with no legs. That’s movie gold.

Viewing Date: 10/31/2014

Starring: Dolph Lundgren (and directed by BMT favorite Uwe Boll!)

Plot: An ex-Special Forces soldier gets thrown back to medieval times to fulfill an ancient prophecy and ends up finding redemption for his own battlefield experiences. (IMDB)

Rules

• Slow Mo
• Inner-monologue
• Reference to Granger’s (Dolph) tortured past
• Half-assed medieval speak  (This would mean a constant waterfall.  Save this one for the truly cringe-worthy lines)
• “Granger”
• Fish out of water jokes
• “Holy Mother”

Quotes

“That’s not cool.”  “No.  It’s warm.”

“Tomorrow- the adventure begins.”

“There’s got to be everything from e coli to sheep feces in there.”

“I was rash and only acted to fulfill my urges.”

“Listen guys.  I’ve decreed it.”

“I have a feeling in the Black Forest, size does matter.”

“It was an honor to fight by your side and lay by you as your woman.”

Viewer Quotes

“Its like the parking lot of medieval times- where they filmed it.”

“Our cook was the only one who knew the true form of the catalyst.” (Granger murdered the cook for no apparent reason)

“This is the worst dragon ever.”

“Unexplained wig.”

What We Learned

• Childproof containers are also medieval-person proof
• Dolph Lundgren sleeps with his scarf (and fully clothed)
• The king lives in a rock climbing gym
• The best place to hide a king is in the future

Date Watched: 10/16/14

Starring: Party of Five guy and the T1000

Plot: Two brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman. An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers’ half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power.

Rules

• Saying Dragon, “Double Dragon” counts for two
• Spin Kicks
• “New Angeles”
• “Butt Head”
• Game references – game over, extra life, using a joystick, etc.
• Knuckle cracking
• Doing the double dragon fist bump.

Quotes

• “Eat some fist, butt heads!”
• “Once the medallions are mine, so then will be New Angeles”
• “No one wants to party with Victor Guisman.”
• “Lotus Flower, I’ve missed your sense of peasant justice.”
• “This isn’t some stupid tournament.”
• “I just want total domination over one major American city.  Is that too much to ask for?”
• “We’re getting railed in broad daylight!”
• “I’m sorry I had to kick your butt so bad”

Viewer Quotes

• “They’re supposed to be brothers?  One them’s Asian and one’s White.”
• “Is it racist to say this is the least intimidating gang I’ve ever seen because they’re just a bunch of white dudes in preppy clothes?”
• “That thing is really poor at target acquisition”
• “Look at the two of them rubbing it together.”
• “It’s a good thing he’s got that rope to swing from wherever he goes.”
• “Oh God, it’s like Chet from Weird Science.”

What We Learned

• You can find out how much someone bench presses by looking up their license plate in future 2007.
• Cars can run on burning paper in future 2007.
• The best place to hide your most precious possession is around your neck in plain view.
• The Hollywood River is flammable.  And there’s a Hollywood River.
• Ghosts can be sucked into fans

Final Take

That was a mess.  It seemed like it was written by a 13 year old boy.  I just watched it a few minutes ago and I’ve already forgotten half of it.  The rules paid off in spades, so that was fun, but I don’t know if I would recommend it.  Pretty forgettable, as I’m sure Scott Wolf was hoping a year after he made it.

Viewing Date: 10/2/2014

Starring: Sean Astin

Plot

When a group of friends enjoying a bachelor cruise in the Caribbean stumble upon a research facility on a remote island, a deadly virus is unleashed. The group must find a way to survive before the flesh eating virus consumes them all (from IMDB)

Rules

• Slow Motion
• Every time we see a cabin (this rules turns out to be worthless)
• “Specimen”
• Pounding beers
• Vomiting blood

Quotes

• “Who ate all the p&#@y?  This guy!”
• “I…. I know a great plastic surgeon….  He uh…  Did my girlfriend’s…  You know….”
• “Dobbs, keep an eye on Dr. Evil.”
• “You’re one ugly bitch.”

Viewer Quotes

• “There aren’t a lot of cabins in this Cabin Fever.”
• “Did we have any good quotes in that last scene?”  “No.”

What We Learned

• The flesh eating virus infects fish- and everything in the ocean.
• High security, quarantine labs that contain the deadliest diseases in the world aren’t actually that sanitary or secure.  There are mice living in the lab technicians bras, and they dump their biological waste directly into the ocean.
• The virus also makes you evil…  Sometimes.
• The best way to kill an infected person is with a big black dildo.
• Samwise Gamgee’s career has taken quite a tumble.
• Sean Astin is evil for no particular reason and wants to kill everyone.

Final Take