Archive for the 'Bad Movies' Category



24
Sep
16

Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016)

Date Watched: 9/22/16

Plot: Fin, his family and the cosmos have been blissfully sharknado-free in the five years since the most recent attack, but now sharks and tornadoes are being whipped up in unexpected ways and places.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Star Wars references
  • Bad cameos
  • Every time they say “Sharknado”
  • Gratuitous product placement
  • Use of Las Vegas landmarks
  • Every time there is a new type of “nado”
  • References to other movies
  • Famous U.S. landmarks

Quotes:

  • “What inspired you to create a hotel full of sharks?”
  • “Fin Shepard, welcome to the family”
  • “Just as long as you have a beating heart, I’m going to love you”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Does that airplane look like a penis?”
  • “Why would you need a chainsaw if you had a light saber?”
  • “How would you like to have David Hasselhoff as your grandfather?”

Things We Learned:

  • You can fly off a building in a car and use your car doors to “surf” down safely
  • Pirate ship steering wheels make good shark killers
  • Sharknados can become Bouldernados, Oilnados, Firenados, Lightningnados, Cownados, and Nuclearnados

Final Take:

For a movie franchise that already jumped the shark (pun intended), this one was a worthy addition.  There was plenty of silliness and D-list celebrities getting eaten by sharks.  I’ve seen lots of movies filmed in Vegas, but the Treasure Island Pirate Ship scene was something memorable (not just for having David Faustino as a character named “Bud”).  We will be waiting for number 5.

15
Jul
16

Zoombies (2016)

Zoombies Poster

Date Watched: 5/12/16

Plot: When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Terrible green screen animals

Rules:

Animal Zombies

Giraffes – Zombie Giraffes = drink two

Say “Eden”

Jump Scares

Drone shots of the park

Quotes:

“Let’s just say that I got drunk at the wrong bar with the wrong policeman.”

“You don’t look like the kind of girl that likes to get dirty.”

“I swear that gorilla was trying to mate with me.”

“Excuse me intern, this is my sanctuary, and I decide what’s good!”

Viewer Quotes:

“They have a tracker on every dinosaur in the park… I mean err, animal.”

“I wish that little girl would turn into a zombie.”

“Is he going to kill Clay Mathews?”

Things We Learned:

-Irritating little girls are worse than terrible monkey special effects or guys in phony gorilla suits.

-Zombie giraffes like to attack in pairs and draw and quarter their victims.

-Zombieism makes animals smarter, faster, and stronger.

-Guts make good eagle’s nests.

Final Take:

It was an OK rip-off of Jurassic World.  The zombie giraffes were great, but very limited in their screen time.  If they ever do a sequel, I hope that they make them the true stars that they are.

01
Jul
16

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs (2015)

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs Poster

Date Watched: 6/30/15

Plot: After an accidental explosion at a local mine, dinosaurs emerge from the rubble to terrorize a small western town. Now, a group of gunslingers must defend their home if anyone is going to survive in a battle of cowboys versus dinosaurs.  (From IMDB)

Starring: Eric Roberts in a role that time forgot

Rules:

-Cowboy clichés

-Dinosaurs eating people

-Girls in bikinis

-Montana scenic shots

-Eric Roberts vomits

Quotes:

“Apparently he was attacked by a wild animal last night.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a bear claw.”

“That sure is hell isn’t a fossil.”

“That ain’t no mountain lion.”

After the dinosaurs jump out of the hole in the ground… “I think we’re too late.”

“You made your bed and now you can die in it.”

“You’re history.”

Viewer Quotes:

“That cowboy is totally going to order a coffee and a pecan pie.”

“Those are totally Montana skanks.”

“Can you still drink in the car in Montana?”

To the miners on their way to into the mine… “Are those the dwarves on their way to work?  Hi ho, hi ho.”

Things We Learned:

Velociraptors love to jump in the water to eat people.

Dinosaurs are attracted to propane tanks.

The best place to hide from a dinosaur attack is the washing machine at the laundry mat.

Dinosaurs will not eat horses even if they are right there.

Final Take:

This was pretty much generic Syfy fodder if you’re in the mood for that sort of thing.  I’m not quite sure what attracted Eric Roberts to this particular role.  I would think that if I was brought a script that had me puking my guts out for half of my time on camera, I might pass.  On second thought, I totally get it, and I would have done it too.

29
May
15

Left Behind (2014)

Left Behind

Date Watched:  5/28/15

Starring:  Nic Cage, Lea Thompson, Chad Michael Murray, Jordan Sparks, Dude from Herman’s Head

Plot: A small group of survivors are left behind after millions of people suddenly vanish and the world is plunged into chaos and destruction.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Religious Preaching
  • Mentions of Jesus or the Bible

Quotes:

“If she’s going to run off with another man, why not Jesus?”

“I don’t know about passengers, but I do know this, there wasn’t anyone flying that plane.”

“What has happened to you?  You never talked like this before… about God.”

“Why should I listen to you?  You didn’t even listen to yourself!”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is that black person a midget too?”… “No, that’s just a little kid.”

“I used to have a crush on Lea Thompson circa “Back to the Future” and “Space Camp”.  Not anymore.”

“Have you ever seen “What Dreams May Come”?  Right now everyone is in a big crayon world.”

“This movie is awful, when is something going to happen?”

Things We Learned:

-People don’t take their clothes with them to Heaven.

-The first thing people do after the Rapture is to shoplift Starter jackets.

-Nic Cage is a sh$tty pilot.

-Some cell phones have a compass app that you can use to land a wayward airplane low on fuel.

Final Take:

This movie is a failure on all accounts.  It was fun to laugh at for part of it, but nothing really happens.  It was simply a bunch of people that I don’t care about trying to land a plane.  This is far and away the least interesting plane in peril movie I’ve ever seen.  Take “Red Eye”, “Flightplan”, even “Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal”, and you have more suspenseful action taking place.  The big reveal, an hour into the movie, is that the people disappeared due to the Rapture.  The movie is titled “Left Behind”, is based on a book, and is a re-make, so this is pretty f&ckin’ obvious to everyone but those sorry saps trapped in this movie.  Skip this movie, unless like us, you are a Nic Cage connoisseur.

17
Apr
15

I, Frankenstein (2014)

I, Frank

Viewing Date: 4/16/15

Plot: Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.  (From IMDB)

Starring:  Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, and Jai Courtney

Rules:

Say “Adam”

Every time you can tell the movie is ripping off other movies: i.e. Resident Evil, Underworld, Van Helsing, The Matrix, Blade, etc., etc., etc.

Speaking in demon voices or showing red demon eyes

Quotes:

-To Frankenstein’s Monster:  “We shall call you Adam.”

“I know of no other way.  I am not human… or demon… or gargoyle.”

“Now bring me Frankenstein’s Monster!”

“Descend in pain, demon.”

“I think your boss is a demon prince.”

“I’ve never had to thank a human for anything before.”

“You go talk to the Gargoyle Queen, I’ll meet you back here in an hour.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Watching Bill Nye just reminds me of Love Actually.”

“Who are supposed to be the good guys again?”

“There is a lot going on in the movie, but I don’t care about any of it.”

“Do you think he has a stitched together penis?”

“Demons are stupid looking.  I feel like I’m watching an episode of Grimm.”

Things we learned:

-Demons eyes glow red at night clubs.

-Frankenstein’s Monster prefers stupid looking walking sticks as his weapon of choice.

-There has been a century’s long war taking place between demons and gargoyles.

-Working for demon’s doesn’t pay very much, even if you’re an expert in electromagnetics, as evidenced by the complete sh$thole apartment that the main scientist lives in.

-The Gargoyle Queen has a sacred duty to destroy Frankenstein’s Monster.

-Reanimating corpses have a status bar that lights up on their chests to be able to tell their progress.

Final Take:

For a movie with a lot going on, not much is actually going on.  There was little to no character development.  Maybe there is a longer cut of the movie out there where the story is comprised of more than just cardboard cutouts?  (Not that I care or would want to watch it.)  It’s really just a cheap copy of other infinitely better (Matrix) or slightly better (Van Helsing) movies.  It’s fine for watching for free on Netflix, but god help those poor souls that actually paid money in the theaters to watch this dreck.

27
Mar
15

Nazis at the center of the earth (2012)

Nazis

Viewing Date: 3/26/15

Plot:

Researchers in Antarctica are abducted by a team of masked storm troopers. They are dragged deep underground to a hidden continent in the center of the earth. Here Nazi survivors, their bodies a horrifying patchwork of decaying and regenerated flesh, are planning for the revival of the Third Reich. (From IMDB)

Starring:

Dominique Swain and Jake Busey

Rules:

  • Nazi clichés
  • Nazis dying
  • Faces getting ripped off
  • Every time blond chick runs

Quotes:

“What is wrong with you, you’re never squeamish?”  (After her friend’s brain has been ripped out and girl vomits.)

Viewer Quotes:

“So one guy has been delivering people to the Nazis for years to use as spare parts and nobody has noticed?”

“Where did he get that baseball?”

“That is the worst thing you can say to a Robo-Hitler.”

Things we learned:

  • To tear someone’s face off, you just need to cut them a little bit at the top of their head.
  • There are mountains and temples at the center of the earth.
  • It’s not cold at the center of the earth.
  • Nazis have UFO technology.

Final Take:

For a movie with great promise, it just doesn’t really deliver.  It goes to places that it shouldn’t go – zombie rape and abortion scenes – that make it mean spirited and take the fun out of it.  This should have just been over the top ridiculousness.  If you’re looking for a silly zombie Nazi movie, I would definitely check out “Dead Snow” instead.

30
Jan
15

Sabotage (2014)

Sabotage

Viewing Date: 1/29/15

Starring:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Joe Manganiello, Josh Holloway, and Terrence Howard

Plot:  Members of an elite DEA task force find themselves being taken down one by one after they rob a drug cartel safe house. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Illegal activity

-Cops die

-Schwarzeneggerisms – smoking cigars, bad puns/one liners, flexing unnecessarily, feats of strength

-Bad American accents done by non – Americans

Quotes:

“I’m not going to stick my dick where your dick has been.”

“It doesn’t look like a dick.”

“It’s time to do the Lord’s work.” = going to a strip club

“Pull your fuc%in panties out of your ass and drink a fuc%in beer.”

“Nick, wake up you drunk fuc%.”

“That’s what you get for fingering the devil’s pu$$y.”

“You’re awesome on a road trip, you know that?”

“What the hell are we doing here?  We could be drinking beers and throwing dollar bills at someone naked.”

“Ammo’s cheap.  My life ain’t.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How old is Schwarzenegger now?  78?”

“These are the worst cops ever.”

“In the 80’s cool guys lived in their mobile homes… Peeing in their sinks.”

“I hated Michael from Lost.”

Things we learned:

-Wrapping bodies in chicken wire and dumping them in a pond keeps them from floating up.

-A lot of decent actors can’t make a bad movie work.

-The cartel is not someone you want to fuc% with.

-Innocent cyclists are the best way to stop a bad guy in a car chase.

Final Take:

The whole movie should have been like the last 20 minutes – silly and gratuitous.  In general it was gratuitous but it took itself way too seriously.  There was a great cast, but they did nothing with it.  This was a wasted opportunity all the way around.

31
Dec
14

In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job aka The Last Mission (2014)

In the Name of the King 3

Viewing Date:  11/6/14

Plot:

A modern-day assassin, wanting out, is hired for one final job – to kidnap the kids of a local businessman. Things go haywire when it turns out he’s chosen to return to the Middle Ages and bring back order to a kingdom in chaos.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Bad European child acting

Dragon sightings

People say “dragons”

Fish out of water gags

Every time they mention “the marking”

Anachronisms

Quotes:

“He has the marking.  No one should have the marking.  Where did you get this marking?”

“Now, go on horse.”

“We have brought a stranger.”

“That’s my chair.  Your chair is over there.”

“He speaks like a coward…”  “I bid you adieu.”

“Things change… but people like you never do.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is this the transporter?”

“Look, the Shaman is making a BBQ rub.”

“I have no emotional investment in this movie whatsoever.”

“That was the movie?”

Things We Learned:

-When you align a European child’s talisman with a hit man’s forearm tattoo, a wormhole opens, and you travel to another dimension with dragons.

-Dragons can eat bullets from handguns.

31
Dec
14

Treasure Raiders (2007)

Treasure Raiders

Viewing Date: 9/11/14

Plot:

An American professor (Brand) teams up with a Russian biker (Nevsky) to search for historical treasures buried in and around Moscow.  (From IMDB)

Starring: David Carradine and Sherilyn Fenn

Rules:

Say “Professor”

Guitar riffs

Rip-offs from other movies

Cars jumping

Cliché Russian names

Say “Wolf”

Quotes:

“I’ve got a hobby that pays a little more.”

“We do not need a new champion.”

“A lot of racers talk the talk, but you my friend talk the talk.”

“I dumped the cocaine in the Moscow river.”

“I want ze money and ze cocaine back!!!”

“Don’t worry baby, you’re safe now.”

“I’m glad our relatives didn’t have any curses.”

Viewer Quotes:

“There’s nothing I like better than non-nude dance clubs.”

“Can committing another crime really be your alibi?”

Things we learned:

-You can leave a street race to go steal money from a drug deal and come back without missing a beat.

-A biography written by a person about that same person can still be considered a biography.

19
Dec
14

Saint Nick aka Saint aka Sint (2010)

Sint

Viewing Date: 12/18/14

Plot:

St. Nicholas is a murderous bishop who kidnaps and murders children when there is a full moon on December 5th.

Starring: N/A

Rules:

Say “Saint Nick” or “Saint Nicolaus”

Mention December 5th

Dutch Christmas things

Being killed by a ghost ship

Quotes :

“You’re just as much of a bitch as you are a best friend.”

“What, did his dick freeze to the light post or something?”

“Those Black Pete’s (guys in black face), what did they look like?”… “One looked like 50 Cent and the other looked like Will Smith.”

“Jesus, that’s dangerous man!”

“I’ve got a present for you.  I’ll do the unwrapping.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Two flashbacks to start a movie is not a good sign.”

Things We Learned:

-In Amsterdam it’s normal to not only receive gifts in class in high school, but to receive dildos as those gifts.  The teachers think nothing of it.

-Saint Nicolaus comes from Spain with a boat full of toys.

-In Amsterdam it’s a Christmas tradition to dress up in black face.

-Hot girls in Amsterdam are not actually hot.

-You can kill Saint Nick by blowing up his boat at midnight.

-Any children killed are just collateral damage in the war with Saint Nick.

-Saint Nick has an army of deadly Black Petes (guys in black face).

Final Take:

It wasn’t bad.  It could have been a lot more though.  We feel more cultured watching a foreign terrible Christmas movie.  It’s like a bad foreign version of Silent Night Deadly Night.  I would definitely recommend this for those looking for a Holiday terrible movie, but that would be about it.




February 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728  

Months