Archive Page 26

19
Oct
13

Ninja Cheerleaders

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Ninjas

ninja cheerleaders
Viewing Date: 10/17/2013

Plot

Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown (from IMDB).

Starring

George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella

Rules

  • Boner alert
  • Groan inducing dialogue
  • Transition cut scenes with boobs
  • Ball crunching / nut-cracking sounds
  • “Uh-huh”, “Gross”, “Nuh-uh” (Any Valley Girl colloquialisms)
  • “Kenji”

Quotes

“He’s sweet in a lock-your-doors, mace-in-hand, don’t-be-alone-with-him kind of way.”

“Say you have tiny balls.” “I have tiny balls!” “Say it like you mean it!”

“Hey pretty princess!”

“Looking at five million years of evolution.  It’s….”  “Rewarding?”

“We’re talking about the mob, not a couple of drunken sailors.”

“What do you know?  Obviously you’ve never run a crime family.”

Viewer Quotes

“Man…  Their cheerleading uniforms don’t even match.”

“Just donkey punch him.”

“Look at his phone! It’s not plugged in to anything.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a $50K strip-off, and you don’t even have to take your clothes off to win.
  • It’s not frowned upon to take high school students from your karate studio and have them work in your strip club.
  • Cheerleaders can dance and cheer in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the game and no one will mind.
  • Ninjas are taught the ancient art of “ball crunching”.

Final Take

You get exactly what you expect in a movie about three cheerleader ninjas (the actresses are closer to 30 than 20) who have to save their Sensei (George Takei) from the mob.  Why does the mob kidnap the Sensei?  Because the mob family used to own the dojo / ninja studio building.  That’s it- not out of revenge or any motive, he just wants the building.  Did I mention that Sensei also runs runs the local strip club where he employs his students?  But that’s perfectly acceptable, because he just wants to help them make enough money to go to an Ivy League school.  The acting, editing and camera work is all as bad as can be expected, but the sound stands out as being particularly awful.  This movie would have been much better if it were more gratuitous.

11
Oct
13

Eliminators

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cyborgs, Hillbillies and Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Image

Viewing Date: 10/10/13

Starring: Andrew Prine, Tasha Yar

Plot: A former pilot rebels against his creator, teaming up with the scientist responsible for android technology, her pet robot Spot, a rough-and-tumble riverboat guide, and a martial arts warrior.

Rules

  • “Mandroid”
  • “Reeves”
  • Flashbacks
  • Use of mandroid gizmo
  • Spot turns into pure energy
  • Camera Filter change
  • Mysterious ninja saves the day

Quotes

  • “Might I remind you that we’ve been dissecting the very building blocks of the universe!”
  • “Now I got you, you tin can son of a bitch!”
  • “Your arms, your leg units.  It’s my work – all of it.”
  • “You’re functioning primarily on your human brain.”
  • “Hey, man.  You need some body work?” – “You talking to me?”
  • “Oh mon dieu, are there really piranhas around here?” – “Nah.  Just snapping turtles.”
  • “I don’t like the looks of that stone age toothpick.”
  • “Oh swell.  Our little buddy.  I’ve lost my boat.  We’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.  What is this, anyway?  Some kind of god damn comic book?  We got robots.  We got cave men.  We got kung fu.  Well that’s it, alright?  I quit.”
  • “There’s no treasure!  This is all some kind of weird ass science fiction thing, right?”
  • “I’ll get you, you scrap-yard son of a bitch.”
  • “I’m not a man.  I’m a killing machine with no past and no future.”
  • “Reeves has perfected time travel.  I think he intends to go back and rule ancient Rome.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “I can’t tell if this movie is supposed to be in the future.”
  • “This is such a poorly choreographed fight scene.”
  • “You can’t lose someone on a river!”
  • “Least.  Exciting.  Boat.  Chase.”
  • “This movie has definitely taken a turn.  What is this riverboat bullshit?”
  • “This is a perfect Halloween costume!  You’re the mandroid, I’ll be Fontana, then there’s the chick scientist and you’re the mysterious Ninja!”
  • “Whoa.  It’s some kind of monkey people!”
  • “This movie has taken a turn for the better.  Monkey people and ninjas.”
  • “Again, the name of this movie is Eliminators.  What does that have to do with anything?”
  • “Fontana’s doing a good job of summarizing what this movie’s about.”
  • “Nobody else is amazed by the fact that this guy’s been to ancient rome?  No further questions!”
  • “We haven’t seen this ninja do anything except for the reverse fish.”
  • “When mandroids compete, the viewer wins!”

What We Learned

  • Mandroids pack away their legs when they get on their mobile units.
  • Mysterious ninjas catch fish in reverse, pulling them out of the water.
  • Ancient cave men are gay.
  • Evil scientists can inhabit small robots.
  • Mysterious ninjas can jump through a fan’s spinning blades.
  • You could make whatever kind of crap movie you wanted in the 80’s.

Final Take

 I liked this movie.  Sure, there was a 45 minute meaningless riverboat trip, and introducing a mysterious ninja right at the end made no sense at all, but that was all part of the fun.  There were tons of quotes, weird floating robots, mandroids, ninjas, and time travel all in one crazy package.  It was fun.

20
Sep
13

The Plague

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Creepy Kids, Postapocalyptic and Washed up actors

The-Plague-dvd

Viewing Date: 9/19/2013

Plot: All children in the world under the age of 9 go into a catatonic coma for 10 years.  They wake up and begin killing all the adults.  Everybody wins!

Starring: James Van Der Beek

Rules

  • White eyeballs
  • Fear.net ads (we watched this on Comcast on demand)
  • Kids have a seizure
  • You see the “Grapes of Wrath” book
  • Kids steal someone’s soul
  • Meaningful glances
  • Religious idolatry

Quotes

“I don’t have all the answers.  What do you think I am?  A freakin’ newscaster?”

“I’m not built for this shit.”

“Give me the morphine.  Never mind, I’ll…”   Bang.

Viewer Quotes

“Who thinks he is going to commit suicide here?” (he did)

What We Learned

We learned very little, but if anything:

Eventually kids will kill you- they are demonic and will steal your soul.

Younger kids are the creepiest and have the most power.

Kids who have been in a coma for 10 years have no problem with muscle atrophy and are amazingly coordinated and strong.

Final Take

This movie seemed to be missing about 15 critical minutes to explain what was actually going on.  I get the “open to interpretation” thing, but “The Plague” didn’t even give us enough to think we weren’t smart enough to get what the movie was about.  Just poorly put together.  It had a few intense sequences, but it was very light ondialogue and not a great choice for Bad Movie Thursday (note the lack of quotes, decent rules, and ‘things we learned’).  Well, you can’t win them all.

13
Sep
13

Arena

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

arena_1989_poster_01

Date: 9/12/2013

Starring: Jar Jar Binks, Space Dracula, aliens from the Star Wars cantina

Plot: An intergalactic fighting competition between champions of various worlds has traditionally been won by a species much larger and stronger than humans. Entering the contest, a human finds he has to battle against not just his opponents and his self-doubts, but the corrupt system.

Rules

  • Victory in the arena
  • Rip-off from Star Wars or Star Trek
  • Every time 4 arms has to make use of his weird extra arms.
  • Shorty references some stupid planet
  • “Steve Armstrong”

Quotes

  • “Your crib has been folded.”
  • “Hey what happened?” – “An Earthling, that’s what happened.” <alien frog voice>
  • “It is obvious that no human being can compete.  That’s what’s being proven here tonight.”
  • “Save it for the fans.  No point in giving away what the public will pay for.”
  • “As long as there are Steve Armstrongs out there in the world, there will be contenders!”

Viewer Quotes

  • “He hit him with his third arm.”
  • “He’s got his brain showing.”
  • “Look at this guy.  He looks like a garbage pail kid.”
  • “That dude looks like Admiral Akbar on Meth!”
  • “That’s pretty nice gear he’s got on.  Nice sports bra.”
  • “This is just random words and tones thrown together.”
  • “Those two are an item.  They have the grossest sex in the universe.  Dirty, furtive sex.”
  • “That was short, even by montage standards.”

What We Learned

  • Earthlings are terrible fighters in the arena.  There hasn’t been a human champion for 50 years.
  • There are no decent entertainers in space.
  • There are no two of any alien race on the Arena space station.
  • Crystalplex cures blood poison.
  • The space station snack bar owner is the most power man on the station.
  • Future fighting standards in space aren’t that high.
  • Aliens have the most generic english names that stem from their descriptive features.

Final Take: 

06
Sep
13

Ski School (1991)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Nudity and Rules

ski school

Date: 9/5/13

Starring: Dean Cameron

Plot:

Rival ski instructors at a prestigious mountain school compete to save their jobs. The infamous “Section Eight”, a popular group of skiing partiers are up against some rich stiffs whose only thought is beating their arch rivals in the annual spring pageant (From IMDB).

Rules:

Ski jumping – sick air

Drinking

Whistler references

Say “Montana”

Awesome guitar riffs

People saying things at the same time

Crack a beer

Say “Party”

Quotes:

“Level  8?  What is this lawn bowling?  Cmon’!!!.”

“This is not my film, my men are not homosexuals.”

“That Champaign, it looks expensive.”

“Way to make that homo stuff work for us.”

“Ed, it’s not how far you go, it’s how go you far.”

“I’ve lost far too many brain cells to understand that one.”

“Anybody got a problem with that?  …no? …. Then let’s get naked!”

Viewer Quotes:

“The guy from Montana is the dreamiest guy, just like in real life.”

“He really can’t tell that’s a dude?”

“She’s playing twister by herself?”

Things we learned:

It’s totally cool to use a grappling hook to take out fellow skiers on the course.

You can talk to people in their sleep and they’ll do whatever you say.

You can run a ski school, and you don’t even need to teach anybody anything.

If you are ever disqualified from a race, just bring a lot of beer and you’ll get back in.

The best skiers wear neon.

Final thoughts:

It was quite enjoyable.  Very nonsensical late 80’s/early 90’s movie, where it comes to down to some silly ski race to decide who takes the mountain, even though it really doesn’t matter at all.  The person who buys the mountain would have done so either way.  It was a perfect movie for 13 year olds – boobs, ski jumps, and partying.  I greatly look forward to the sequel.  Peyton Manning threw for 7 TD’s tonight, but I’d much rather watch this movie.

30
Aug
13

Blood Rave / Trance

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Cannibalism, Gory, Murdered teenagers and Washed up actors

 trance-art

Viewing Date: 8/29/2013

Starring: Dominique Swain, Jeremy London, Madeline Zima (from Californication), Brea Grant (from Heroes)

Plot:  Sexy girls at a rave turn into bloodthirsty killers after taking a mysterious new drug. (from IMDB)

Rules:

  • Eyes change
  • Ravers take drugs
  • Rave interludes
  • Glowsticks
  • People getting killed

Quotes:

“What are you doing”  “I’m going to play Scrabble.”

“This is where the rich VIP are.” (as they walk through a disgusting alleyway)

“Where is everyone?” “The night is yet a screaming infant!”

“Are you like 100 thousand percent sure and positive?”

“My favorite sound?  The sound of glass on bone.”

Viewer Quotes:

 “Say something funny.  We need some viewer quotes.”  “I can’t.  There’s nothing worth talking about going on in this movie.”

“This reminds me of the time I took E in Scotland”

“‘You talk too fucking much?’ That sounds like Shelly on our first date.”

“Do you think they paid Jeremy London in money or buffett coupons?”

What We Learned:

  • Women can be weaponized (I guess we already knew this)
  • The government creates chemical weapons in the form of breath strips that not only turn the user into a murderous psychopath, but also gives superhuman strength
  • Only losers who won’t be missed by anyone go to raves (I guess we already knew this too)
  • Jeremy London has put on some serious lbs since Party of Five
  • The goverment sponsors potentially high profile chemical attacks on American teenagers 
  • If you make out with two women going by the names of ‘Sin’ and ‘Virtue’ for a long period of time, realize that eventually they are going to eat your penis
  • Movies that have multiple titles = terrible, terrible films.  Avoid at all costs.

Final Take:

Not recommended.  This movie started out very slowly and walked the line of us turning it off the whole time.  Some late gore and almost-recognizable actors attempted to redeem it, but no luck.  As mentioned in ‘what we learned’, if we can’t even find the movie on IMDB because they have retitled it, it’s probably for a reason (the producers are trying to cover their tracks).

23
Aug
13

The Time Guardian

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Image

Date: 8/22/2013

Starring: Carrie Fisher, Al from Quantum Leap, and a bunch of Englishmen.

Plot 

In the distant future, the human race nears extinction.  Only the hardiest of people, Australians, have survived.  They live in a city that can apparently travel through time, propelled by the shear power of Al from Quantum Leap’s acting prowess.  Pursuing them through time are weird cyborg creatures.  There is no reason for these cyborg creatures to relentlessly chase them through time and space, only their apparent hatred of all things Aussie.

Rules

  • References to other Sci Fi Movies
  • “Spin”
  • Australian colloquialisms, “Mate”, “Crikey”, “Reckon”, “G’day”
  • Stupid future outfits (at your discretion)
  • Terrible quality music
  • “Time”
  • “Jendiki”

Quotes

  •  “These aren’t plumbers you can bribe to get your bathroom fixed overnight, lady.  They kill to live.”
  • “Triangulate the time spheres.”
  • “I come from the future.  From a city that travels in time.  It can land in any time zone.”
  • “He was a … what do you cal it .., feral child?”
  • “Ballard, the time guardian, has run out of time.”

Viewer Quotes

  •  “This music is so terrible.  It’s like video game music.”
  • “Is this 1988?  Why does that guy look like an old prospector?”
  • “These are such practical outfits.  Sawblades around the head.”
  • “This is 2000 years in the future.  Why is shit so similar?”
  • “Is the Coors Light train coming through?”
  • “Princess Leia is a 20th century expert?”
  • “They’re finding some kind of spheres?  What are these spheres?  Why haven’t we heard of them before?”
  • “Where did these time spheres come from?”
  • “Ballard’s got a Charlie Sheen haircut.”
  • “What’s the deal with this guy?  Is he the world’s biggest asshole?”  –  “Pretty much.  He peed his pants and now he’s reading comics.”
  • “That’s an adidas time sphere.”
  • “Even Carrie Fisher’s shirt has healed.”

Things We Learned

  • You can pull guns out of broken time spheres – but there is a cost.
  • Aborigines are in touch with time guardians.
  • There’s some kind of connection between the confederate south and Australia.
  • Lawmen in Australia are the most evil, corrupt people in the country.
  • Time Travelling cities need a flat piece of land to warp to.  Prairies or other naturally flat landscapes do not work.  They must flatten the land by hand and with earth movers.
  • Australia is a hotspot for time travelers.

Final Take 

What do you get when you cross Star Wars, Star Trek, Terminator, Mad Max, and Quantum Leap?  Kind of a mess.  This movie was mildly entertaining at times, but mostly hard to follow.  There’s no explanation for why these cyborgs are trying to chase this city through time.  If they have all of time and space at their command, isn’t there room enough for the both of them?  Not according to the cyborgs.  Also, the leading actors in the movie, Al from Quantum Leap and Carrie Fisher, have probably 10 minutes of screen time.  That’s a big red flag.  All in all, it’s probably not worth going out your way to see.

16
Aug
13

Spill / Virus

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Washed up actors

virus

Viewing Date: 8/15/2013

Starring: Brian Bosworth

Plot: A deadly biological agent is released into a national park because an inept truck driver crashes.  The Boz, playing the Presidential head of security, must rescue everyone using the power of football.

Rules

  • Football references
  • The Boz says “gentlemen”
  • The Boz says “game”
  • Hazmat suits
  • Someone sneezes
  • Boz vision (qualifies as ‘creature vision’)
  • Geyers erupting
  • Someone says “Fairchild”

 Quotes
“An egg?  What are you, a Wisenheimer?”

“If the mother had told me what was in the truck I never would have made the deal!”

“Turns you every-which color.  Gives you two or three assholes.  Some serious shit!”

“I’ve got 50.”  “It only takes one, sucker.”

“What if I were to say ‘stuff your politics’?”

Viewer Quotes

“Speechifying?  Is that a word?”

“It’s incredible it took that guiy so long to crash after popping pills and drinking all night.”

“All of the steroids in his system have made him immune to the pathogen.”

“Did she just call him ‘Boz’?”

“I like that phallic pumpkin there.”

“How did this movie get made?”  “Brian Bosworth thought it would resurrect his career.”

What We Learned

  • The Boz never could and never will be able to act.
  • Park Rangers carry assault rifles and become soldiers in events of biological weapon spills (the movie may have tried to explain this, but we choose to ignore)
  • Ontario, Canada looks nothing like Oregon (despite what the producers thought)
  • Motorcycle wheelies deflect bullets
  • Thermally heated water will kill all biological / viral agents
  • Having a cold will prevent you from being infected by deadly biological agents

Final Take

This movie was boring…. so boring.  Brian Bosworth plays himself, where instead of being a star college football player turned washed up actor, he is a star college football star turned head of secret service!  He meets a cowgirl with whom he has no absolutely no chemistry.  Luckily they are able to save the day together because they have a mild form of the common cold which renders them immume to a biological agent that is otherwise capable of killing within seconds.   An evil wing of the goverment will stop at nothing to cover up the spill- even if it means the head of the group wandering around in the wild shooting grenades at the Boz.  Sound entertaining?  It’s not.  There are about 45 minutes in the middle of this movie where the Boz and his crew are wandering around and absoutely nothing happens.  They have some meaningless dialogue.  Evil Park Rangers jump them.  It’s all terrible.

11
Aug
13

Sharknado

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful, SciFi Channel and Washed up actors

sharknado

Viewing Date: 7/18/2013

Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid

Plot

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace (from IMDB.com).

Rules

  • People getting killed by sharks
  • Shark cam (house rule of “creature vision” applies, this is only a reminder)
  • Shark fin
  • Footage of a real shark is used
  • References to Jaws (drink 2)
  • Aussie guy says any stereotypical Aussie stuff (g’day, krikey, etc)

Quotes

“Sharks don’t like vegemite”

“It’s like Old Faithful!”  “We’ll need faith to get through that!!’

“Hey, I fell off a slide when I was two.  Hurt like hell….”

Viewer Quotes

“Hey baby, I’m a Chippendales dancer!”

“He’s all ‘Johnny Manziel’d’.”

“How many sharks does it take to eat a drunk guy?”

“Her (Tara Reid) face looks like a shiny piece of plastic.”

“It’s a sharter spout.”

“Scorpion avalanche!”

What We Learned

  • Sharks can flood houses and eventually make them explode
  • Sharks can travel through drains and sewers- really they can appear out of nowhere.
  • Sharks can climb ropes
  • Movie car rental places stay open during the worst storm in California’s history.  These rental cars have real nitro boosters included!
  • You can survive in a shark’s stomach for an extended amount of time.
  • It takes a propane bomb and a helicopter to kill a sharknado
  • Sharks have the accuracy of a tomahawk missile when airborne and always fly teeth-first.

Final Take

We actually watched a few minutes of Sharknado during the world premier on SyFy, but had no idea that it would become the big deal that it did, so we had to schedule the next Thursday for a viewing.  Did Sharknado live up to all the expectations?  Did it deserve all the press? Yes and no. This movie did truly hit a homerun as far as casting, and overall absurdity. It really had everything that we love here on BMT: washed up actors, horrible dialogue, bad special effects… So what’s not to like. Maybe it’s just me personally, but I can smell a SyFy Channel movie a mile a way, and even though this might be the cream of the crop, it still is a little off-putting. Something about the video quality, pacing, and how the CGI is cut into the scenes with the actors… But somehow it doesn’t completely feel like a real movie for me- more like a tv mini series or a Stargate spinoff.
Once past the SyFy hang-ups, this movie was quite entertaining, and had us laughing and engaged the whole time, so it was a win overall. Most of our enjoyment came from trying to come up with a movie to match the absurdity of Sharknado (how many viewers out there did the same?). We settled on “Scorpion Avalanche”- maybe “Scorp-valanche”. We had it casted, the plot set and how the climax was going to play out. I don’t know if any of us remember the details, but still no stealing this idea.

09
Aug
13

Executive Target (1997)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Nudity, Rules and Washed up actors

Executive Target

Date Watched: 8/8/13

Starring: Michael Madsen, Angie Everhart, Roy Scheider, Keith David

Plot:

A stunt driver (Michael Madsen) heading for prison on a minor charge is freed against his will by a terrorist gang. Then by kidnapping his wife, he is forced to drive a getaway car in a plot to kidnap the President from a motorcade. (From IMDB)

 

Rules:

-Airborne Cars

-Every time Angie Everhart says f%ck

-Car crash

-Michael Madsen adjusts his sunglasses

-Keith David wears a different sweater vest or says ass

 

Quotes:

“You’re Evil Knievil to us now muther  f%cker, now move!”

“What the hell is this… the Batcave.”

“Now do your job Mr. Stuntman and lose these assholes.”

“How can you do this… you’re an American.”

To a woman: “Now tell me that doesn’t  give you a hard on.”

 

Viewer Quotes:

“Michael Madsen is good.  He can walk around the streets of LA in a full orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs and avoid detection.”

“He had the whole world in his hand being a Hollywood stunt driver.”

“I’m scared when Keith David asks me to play a game.  I hope it doesn’t involve ass-to-ass.”

“Just because he’s good at racing cars means he’s good at model cars.”

“I’m sure there’s nothing that a stunt driver likes more than an automatic transmission.”

 

What we learned:

Bad guys have partners just like cops that they have for years and care about.

Car crashes through camper tops are much cooler than normal.

The A-Team van is not only used by the A-Team, but also by washed up convict stuntmen for bank heists.

Angie Everhart stopped being hot sometime before 1997.

Top secret area “55” is somewhere in Los Angeles.

Evil bad guy generals can get off in situations where the movie just needs to end w/o a resolution.

Even in a make believe movie, Michael Madsen will get caught with an 18 year old girl and a bag full of blow.

 

Final Take:

There are some movies that are unforgettable like Star Wars or the Godfather, and there are some movies that you forget immediately after watching them like Captain America or Nottinghill, and then there are a few that you forget while actually watching them like Executive Target.  I think we were watching a movie about a bank heist?  And then there’s Roy Scheider  schlubbing as a do gooder President and an evil general?  Is this the same movie?  I think I missed something when I reached for another beer.

This movie sports an impressive budget and a number of explosions and flying cars, so I really can’t complain that much.  I just have no final take and no memory of even watching the movie.

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Months

Blogroll

Recent Entries