The Time Guardian


Date: 8/22/2013

Starring: Carrie Fisher, Al from Quantum Leap, and a bunch of Englishmen.


In the distant future, the human race nears extinction.  Only the hardiest of people, Australians, have survived.  They live in a city that can apparently travel through time, propelled by the shear power of Al from Quantum Leap’s acting prowess.  Pursuing them through time are weird cyborg creatures.  There is no reason for these cyborg creatures to relentlessly chase them through time and space, only their apparent hatred of all things Aussie.


  • References to other Sci Fi Movies
  • “Spin”
  • Australian colloquialisms, “Mate”, “Crikey”, “Reckon”, “G’day”
  • Stupid future outfits (at your discretion)
  • Terrible quality music
  • “Time”
  • “Jendiki”


  •  “These aren’t plumbers you can bribe to get your bathroom fixed overnight, lady.  They kill to live.”
  • “Triangulate the time spheres.”
  • “I come from the future.  From a city that travels in time.  It can land in any time zone.”
  • “He was a … what do you cal it .., feral child?”
  • “Ballard, the time guardian, has run out of time.”

Viewer Quotes

  •  “This music is so terrible.  It’s like video game music.”
  • “Is this 1988?  Why does that guy look like an old prospector?”
  • “These are such practical outfits.  Sawblades around the head.”
  • “This is 2000 years in the future.  Why is shit so similar?”
  • “Is the Coors Light train coming through?”
  • “Princess Leia is a 20th century expert?”
  • “They’re finding some kind of spheres?  What are these spheres?  Why haven’t we heard of them before?”
  • “Where did these time spheres come from?”
  • “Ballard’s got a Charlie Sheen haircut.”
  • “What’s the deal with this guy?  Is he the world’s biggest asshole?”  –  “Pretty much.  He peed his pants and now he’s reading comics.”
  • “That’s an adidas time sphere.”
  • “Even Carrie Fisher’s shirt has healed.”

Things We Learned

  • You can pull guns out of broken time spheres – but there is a cost.
  • Aborigines are in touch with time guardians.
  • There’s some kind of connection between the confederate south and Australia.
  • Lawmen in Australia are the most evil, corrupt people in the country.
  • Time Travelling cities need a flat piece of land to warp to.  Prairies or other naturally flat landscapes do not work.  They must flatten the land by hand and with earth movers.
  • Australia is a hotspot for time travelers.

Final Take 

What do you get when you cross Star Wars, Star Trek, Terminator, Mad Max, and Quantum Leap?  Kind of a mess.  This movie was mildly entertaining at times, but mostly hard to follow.  There’s no explanation for why these cyborgs are trying to chase this city through time.  If they have all of time and space at their command, isn’t there room enough for the both of them?  Not according to the cyborgs.  Also, the leading actors in the movie, Al from Quantum Leap and Carrie Fisher, have probably 10 minutes of screen time.  That’s a big red flag.  All in all, it’s probably not worth going out your way to see.

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August 2013


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