Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 8/15/2013

Starring: Brian Bosworth

Plot: A deadly biological agent is released into a national park because an inept truck driver crashes.  The Boz, playing the Presidential head of security, must rescue everyone using the power of football.

Rules

• Football references
• The Boz says “gentlemen”
• The Boz says “game”
• Hazmat suits
• Someone sneezes
• Boz vision (qualifies as ‘creature vision’)
• Geyers erupting
• Someone says “Fairchild”

 Quotes
“An egg?  What are you, a Wisenheimer?”

“If the mother had told me what was in the truck I never would have made the deal!”

“Turns you every-which color.  Gives you two or three assholes.  Some serious shit!”

“I’ve got 50.”  “It only takes one, sucker.”

“What if I were to say ‘stuff your politics’?”

Viewer Quotes

“Speechifying?  Is that a word?”

“It’s incredible it took that guiy so long to crash after popping pills and drinking all night.”

“All of the steroids in his system have made him immune to the pathogen.”

“Did she just call him ‘Boz’?”

“I like that phallic pumpkin there.”

“How did this movie get made?”  “Brian Bosworth thought it would resurrect his career.”

What We Learned

• The Boz never could and never will be able to act.
• Park Rangers carry assault rifles and become soldiers in events of biological weapon spills (the movie may have tried to explain this, but we choose to ignore)
• Ontario, Canada looks nothing like Oregon (despite what the producers thought)
• Motorcycle wheelies deflect bullets
• Thermally heated water will kill all biological / viral agents
• Having a cold will prevent you from being infected by deadly biological agents

Final Take

This movie was boring…. so boring.  Brian Bosworth plays himself, where instead of being a star college football player turned washed up actor, he is a star college football star turned head of secret service!  He meets a cowgirl with whom he has no absolutely no chemistry.  Luckily they are able to save the day together because they have a mild form of the common cold which renders them immume to a biological agent that is otherwise capable of killing within seconds.   An evil wing of the goverment will stop at nothing to cover up the spill- even if it means the head of the group wandering around in the wild shooting grenades at the Boz.  Sound entertaining?  It’s not.  There are about 45 minutes in the middle of this movie where the Boz and his crew are wandering around and absoutely nothing happens.  They have some meaningless dialogue.  Evil Park Rangers jump them.  It’s all terrible.