Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 1/17/19

Starring: Nick Cage, Wolfcop (briefly)

Plot: A dystopian thriller set in the year 2030 that sees the world in a permanent state of economic recession and facing serious environmental problems as a result of global warming.

Rules

• “Humanity”
• Monologues to his phone/Playing with his phone
• Anecdotes about the scarcity of resources.
• Environmental lessons.

Quotes

• “I’ve seen children drink their own piss.”
• “Don’t be fooled by false smiles.  They will rape you… and the boy.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Is this a soylent green thing?”
• “Could you take Nick Cage in a fight?”  –  “No, he’s got too much crazy.”

Things We Learned

• Trump killed all the fish in the ocean
• In the future, people use 6 screens.
• Nick Cage likes to sit on a porch and hold dead birds.
• Nick Cage is never what you might expect.
• In the future, El Caminos will be controlled by an app.
• There are no lakes anymore.
• You will need a timeshare to swim in a pool, and wear a wetsuit.

Final Take: This was pretty slow at times.  Not all that great, but not terrible.  If you’ve seen any of Nick Cage’s recent Netflix offerings, it was his same character in a different setting.  You should know what you’re getting yourself into by now.

Viewing Date: 1/3/19

Starring: Zach McGowan (he’s blowing up- also in Death Race: Beyond Anarchy!), Nathan Jones.

Rules

• Glowing eyes
• Scorpions
• Say “Scorpion King”
• Say “Fang of Anubis”
• Say “Book of Souls”
• Say “Quest”

Quotes

• “I don’t quest.”
• “I hate questing.”
• “I’ll bet you wouldn’t sell her for 5 pigs and some pomegranate wine.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Where’s the rest of the Fantastic Four?”

What We Learned

• The Scorpion King can submerge himself in ankle Deep Water.
• A good “breeding” woman is worth a few pigs and some pomegranate wine.
• The Scorpion King’s special powers are gained by getting stung by scorpions.
• The Golem was a terrible character and idea.  We’re still not clear on why the creature made of stone was afraid of fire and “burned” to death in a medium-sized bonfire.

Date Watched: 12/20/18

Starring: Barry Bostwick, Richard Moll (blink and you miss him), some Belles

Plot: It’s Christmas Eve, and three cosplaying women come across the malevolent Christmas demon Krampus. The girls must team up with Santa Claus himself to battle the creature and save the world.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Say or show Adventure Girls or putting up Youtube
• Say “Christmas”
• Show camera in the tree
• Santa magic
• Say “Krampus”

Quotes:

• “Merry Christmas Bitch!”
• “I’m not fat, you’re fat.”
• “We’re trying to help the real-life Santa.”  Santa’s response… “Sup!”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Was this filmed at Enchanted Forrest?”
• “Chopping Santa’s head off.  It’s one of those things.  Had to be done”

Things We Learned:

• Krampus sniffs out naughty women.
• Santa is basically Gandolf aka the White Wizard.
• Santa started a business with Mrs. Claus that failed, and they ended up eating the reindeer.  Then Mrs. Claus became a bartender.  Then she got into bestiality.

Final Take:

It’s a fairly entertaining romp.  I wouldn’t go out of my way for it, but it made a decent holiday Bad Movie Thursday pick.  It really should have upped the gore, nudity, and ridiculousness to really take it over the top.  At 77 minutes, it was over, done, and then easily forgotten before we had time to even finish more than a few drinks.

Date Watched: 12/13/18

Starring: Danny Trejo, Danny Glover, retreads from Mad Max

Plot: If you’ve seen one Death Race, you should already know the plot here.  Drivers, racing, Frankenstein is the best, people want to beat him.

Rules

• “Frankenstein”
• Gratuitous violence
• “Death Race”
• T & A
• Frankenstein walking in slow motion
• Advanced rule: “Convict”
• Race scene: Cars flipping in the air.
• Race scene: Spectators getting killed
• Race scene: Gear shifting

Quotes

• “Rest assured, there are no virgins in these walls, because life has fucked you all.”
• “Best advice, learn how to run.  Learn how to fight.”
• “If I had a dick, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.”
• “Let me whack him, Frank.  He’s nothing but a couple drops of jizz sprouted from a shit-filled crack in the sidewalk.”
• “I’ve heard of you.  You euthanized over 400 people.”  –  “Not all of them were dying.  Some were just living inconsequential lives and as such were considered already dead.”
• “That pretty boy can fight.”  –  “Yah, but can he drive.”  –  “Who cares?  I just want to know if he fucks like he fights.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Who would you be in the Sprawl?”  –  “I’d be the clown guy.  The mime, jester guy.”  –  “I’d be one of those guys cleaning up the crash victims.”  –  “I’d be playing the guitar on the front of that flaming truck.”
• “We should all have names like that.  Milkwaukie Mike.  Alabama Adam.  Green Bay Graham.  Syracuse Shelly.”  –  “What?  I’m not even watching!”
• “I would have thought having no shirt in a situation like this would be a severe disadvantage.  I mean, these guys have armor on.”
• “This is just ridiculous, in a lot of ways.”
• “Already at 200+ mph and he downshifts again.  How many gears does this car have?”

Things We Learned

• Convicts reason like 3 year olds.
• 10% of the population of the Sprawl dies every year.
• Danny Trejo is 74 years old.  74 mf-ing years old.

Final Take: Not bad.  Not bad at all.  There was a minor twist on the Death Race formula.  It was overly gratuitous, which was necessary for a movie like this.  There was a bit too much character development/exposition, but if you can get through that you’ll find a mildly entertaining movie.

Date Watched: 11/15/18

Starring: Bruce Payne, Ashley Laurence?

Plot: College students encounter a warlock, who looks a lot like the previous warlock but works for less money, probably.  These students have almost nothing in common but are friends for some reason.  All hell breaks loose.

Rules

• The ending of “innocence” (open to interpretation)
• Bad music and scene transitions
• The house kills someone
• “Warlock” (someone says warlock)
• Visions with screeching eagles
• Warlock spells

Quotes

• “I don’t know, this place is kind of a dump, but it actually kind of rocks, dontcha think?”
• “The contents were rather vague.  We need a new mule.  The butter churn is broken.”
• “A man is never more a man than when he loves a woman.”
• “I don’t want to be a player in someone else’s dream.”
• “This is one sickly bunch.”

Viewer Quotes

• “All this information was relayed to her in that one 20 second phone conversation?”
• “Her friends are obviously going to show up here, and surprise her, so they can be killed.”
• “I wouldn’t look away.  Likely to get goat-hooved in the face.”  –  “I had an uncle go the same way.”

Things We Learned

• Haunted, vacant homes have clean linens everywhere.
• Lucifer will never let you down.
• Your friends will likely give you to a warlock if pushed far enough.
• The only way to kill a warlock is with a knife hidden inside of a doll.
• A vision with an eagle screech has great meaning.

Final Take: Not bad, but primarily filmed in one location like too many low-budget movies.  None of the actors were any good, and each of them was like a caricature of a mid-90’s gen x’er.  The best we can say is it wasn’t entirely boring, and it did hold the attention most of the way through.

Viewing Date: 10/25/18

Starring: Nic Cage, Sophie Skelton, Wes Cage Coppola (Nic’s son)

Plot: Inspired by one of the longest and bloodiest real-life events in police history. Officer Mike Chandler (Nicolas Cage) and a young civilian passenger find themselves under-prepared and outgunned when fate puts them squarely in the crosshairs of a daring bank heist in progress by a fearless team of highly trained and heavily armed men. (via Rotten Tomatoes)

Rules

• “Chesterford”
• Terrible accents
• Shooting / killing innocent civilians

Quotes

• “They pushed me into the toilet so I came out and swung.”  “I would have done the same thing.”
• “Bull’s eye!”
• “They make plans against the planner, and turn your trap into an escape route.”
• “Hey Kenny, where’s that phone you’re always screwing around with?  I’m going to take some new pics.”

What We Learned

• They use Sony cell phones in Bulgaria.
• If you’re a band of mercenaries looking for payback on money that is owed, you just need the name a random bank that may have been involved….  and then rob it.

Viewing Date: 10/4/18

Starring: Zombies

Plot: A small group of military personnel and survivalists dwell in an underground bunker as they seek to find a cure in a world overrun by zombies. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Bodies exploding after being attacked by a zombie
• “Science”
• Blood / zombie blood on the camera lens

Quotes

• “What do you miss?  Ice cream sundaes?  Chicken nuggets?”  “I miss people shutting the fuck up.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Oh I hope he eats some kids!”

What We Learned

• Rapists are immune to the zombie virus.
• It would be better for any actors / actresses to just use their own native accent than botch an American accent.  The audience will care less, we promise.

Date Watched: 09/20/18

Starring: Michael Gross, Jamie Kennedy, Tremor O’Neill

Plot: Graboids are attacking people in a desert, that also may supposed to be a snow-field.  Time to suit up.

Rules

• “Graboids” or “Assblaster”
• Nods to Oregon
• Severed limbs/body parts

Quotes

• “Hell, I’m hotter than a .50 cal on full auto.”
• “From one kill-site, we recovered a severed head, a torso, and a half-eaten testicle.”
• “That flaming sphincter is on the roof.”
• “Get back here!  Don’t follow stupid with stupid.”
• “Oh come on.  If you’re going to piss like a puppy, stay on the porch.”
• “My balls are in the guiness book of balls.”
• “At least the gland wasn’t in the prostate.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Did he crap his pants or something?” – “Did he have an assblaster?”
• “I one day hope to high-five Jamie Kennedy for some reason.”

Things We Learned

• You can fly over Canada and land in California
• Assblasters explode when you shoot them in the ass.
• Don’t let the urgent get in the way of the important.
• It’s impossible to count the graboids without a seismic vibration monitor.
• Blood ain’t thicker than ammo.

Final Take: It’s exactly what you’d expect.  You should know what you’re getting yourself into by now.