Archive for the 'Ninjas' Category

01
May
25

Miami Connection (1988)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Assassins, Bad Movies, Cult Classic, Elite and Ninjas
Tags: , , ,

Viewing Date: May 1, 2025

Starring: Y.K Kim, Vincent Hirsch, Joseph Diamand, Maurice Smith

Plot: The year is 1987. Motorcycle ninjas tighten their grip on Florida’s narcotics trade, viciously annihilating anyone who dares move in on their turf. Multi-national martial arts rock band Dragon Sound have had enough, and embark on a roundhouse wreck-wave of crime-crushing justice. When not chasing beach bunnies or performing their hit song “Against the Ninja,” Mark (taekwondo master/inspirational speaker Y.K. Kim) and the boys are kicking and chopping at the drug world’s smelliest underbelly. It’ll take every ounce of their blood and courage, but Dragon Sound can’t stop until they’ve completely destroyed the dealers, the drunk bikers, the kill-crazy ninjas, the middle-aged thugs, the “stupid cocaine”…and the entire MIAMI CONNECTION!! (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Cocaine (use, references, nicknames: Coke, Bolivian marching powder, etc)
  • Dismemberments
  • “Dragon Sound”
  • “Son of a Bitch”
  • Any mentions of Taekwondo
  • Musical performance

Quotes

  • “They don’t make buns like those down at the bakery.”
  • (Song lyrics): “Bikers by day, Ninjas by night- Steal your cocaine, steal your life!”
  • (Song lyrics): “Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty. We’ll stay together through thick or thin. Friends forever we’ll be together. We’re on top ’cause we play to win!!!”
  • “I didn’t know you had a father, I thought we were all orphans”
  • (Viewer quote): “You don’t take off the hood- it’s like a clan rally.”

What We Learned

  • University of Central Florida is a hotbed for ninjas
  • Music venues in Orlando have a limit of only one martial-arts-themed-band.
  • The correct ratio of girlfriends to band members is 1:4
  • Ninjas on motorcycles can’t be stopped.
  • After hours at the gym consists of full contact Taekwondo in the dark, while wearing jeans
  • White ninja robe = master
  • If a friend has an unexpected and important life event, you are required to pool all of your money to buy him a suit.
  • Don’t dine and dash if the restaurant owner is a Taekwondo master.
  • U-Haul blankets are all you need for your bed if you’re a martial artist/rock star/college kid on a budget.

Final Take

I’m pretty sure we watched this at some point over the last 20 year, but we couldn’t find any record of it on the blog or pre-blog journal (lip log), so here we go again!

This is some quintessential Bad Movie Thursday stuff- a cult classic with a well earned reputation for absolute ridiculousness top to bottom. Where to start? We’re not even sure what the Miami Connection refers to. The movie takes place in Orlando, and the opening sequence of cocaine-stealing ninjas was the only part to take place in Miami. Why are the ninjas stealing cocaine? Well, to fund their ambiguous crime network of course! And the entire downfall of this criminal empire was caused by one member’s dislike for his college student sister’s boyfriend (who is actually a pretty wholesome guy). And let’s talk about the four “friends” the film centers around. Did they all grow up as orphans together? Maybe??? But they are roommates, bandmates, a taekwondo team, and most importantly, friends forever.

If I were to flag a single highlight of the movie, it is the phenomenal sound track and music performances in the movie. Dragon Sound deserves to be a real thing.

This is a great bad movie- definitely in the discussion to crack the top ten bad movies list.

13
Jun
24

Out For A Kill (2003)

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Categories: Ninjas and Seagal

Viewing Date: 6/13/24

Starring: Steven Seagal, Michelle Goh, Corey Johnson

Plot

An unsuspecting university professor is an unwitting accomplice in a foiled Chinese cocaine deal. Wrongly imprisoned, he escapes to take his revenge and prove his innocence. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Slow motion for no reason
  • Sunglasses inside
  • Bullet vision
  • Red text
  • Crime Lord Smoking Den
  • Steven Seagal being insufferable (careful with this one)

Quotes

  • Viewer quote: (house blows up, kills wife) “Now he’s really out for a kill.”
  • “We will kill your dog, we will kill you, then we will kill your wife.”

What We Learned

  • DEA officers can travel all over the world pursing a case that they’re not even sure what it is.
  • We already knew it, but this just reinforces that Seagal is incapable of putting any effort into acting (or doing anything besides a revenge movie).
  • If you are in a secret crime cabal, don’t use Chinese tattoos as a code that Seagal can easily decipher.
  • If your character marries / cares for Steven Seagal, you’re going to die- because revenge.

Final Take

Meh. We knew what we were getting. Seagal stars as the genius professor with the mysterious past (basically the most dangerous killer the world has ever known) and of course he is revered as some sort of Chinese / Asian icon. The criminals decide to mess with him and he kills them all with very little effort. Again, we knew what we were getting with a Segal movie, and there were some entertaining moments and action sequences. Still not sure what was happening with the assassin that could crawl around on the ceiling and walls… Only recommended if you like all things Seagal.

15
Sep
22

Ninja 3: The Domination (1984)

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Categories: Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Cult Classic, Elite, God Awful, Gratuitous Violence, Ninjas, Revenge and Spin-off or sequel
Tags: , , , , ,

Date watched: 9/15/22

Starring: The old guy who sells Gremlins

Plot: An evil ninja attempts to avenge his death from beyond the grave, by possessing an innocent woman’s body. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Ninja weapons
  • Superhero Ninja Things
  • 80s callbacks to other movies
  • Floating swords
  • Christie dancing

Quotes:

  • “You got this to kill a cop with or something?”
  • “I don’t have any coffee in my apartment, but I have some v8 juice.  Would you like to take me home?”
  • “I am a ninja!”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “I remember my mom did jazzercise at the rec center.”
  • “There’s nothing sexy about v8.”
  • “She’s going to call 187 demon ninja.”
  • “He’s so hairy.  He looks like Gollum.  He should take his sweater off.”

Things we learned:

  • Ninjas can crush golf balls and pool balls with their hands.
  • Ninjas can dig holes like a gopher.
  • Only a ninja can destroy a ninja.

Final Take:

Wow, there’s a lot to take in, and I mean that as a compliment! This is a very odd, silly, stupid, ridiculous movie that is incredibly enjoyable to watch. I would highly recommend this piece as pure BMT “art”.

19
Feb
16

Outcast (2014)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Nic Cage, Ninjas and Washed up actors

outcastViewing Date: 2/28/16

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Hayden Christensen

Plot: When the heir of the Imperial throne becomes the target of an assassination by his despised older brother, the young prince must flee the kingdom and seek protection. His only hope for survival is a reluctant war-weary crusader named Jacob, who must overcome his own personal demons and rally the assistance of a mythical outlaw known as The White Ghost. Together they must fight side by side in an epic battle to return the prince to his rightful place on the throne (via IMDB).

Rules

  • Nic cage forgets his English accent
  • Drunk / drug vision
  • When Hayden learns that opium is not the answer and throws his stash away.
  • “White Ghost”
  • “Black Guards”

Quotes

“Black guards are as thick as flies on a farting ghosts ass here because of you!”

“(indecipherable mumbling), this is MY medicine!”

“I’m a simple man- easily bedazzled by swift-talking, young princes.”

Viewer Quotes

“The mitoclorians are strong with this one”

“All I want to know is where the hell is Nic Cage?”

“Does he need to pay the ghost?”

What We Learned

  • Nic Cage can’t do an English accent
  • Hayden Christensen still makes movies (but not very many)
12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Ninjas, Rules and Washed up actors

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gratuitous Violence, In Space, Ninjas, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.

19
Oct
13

Ninja Cheerleaders

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Ninjas

ninja cheerleaders
Viewing Date: 10/17/2013

Plot

Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown (from IMDB).

Starring

George Takei, Trishelle Cannatella

Rules

  • Boner alert
  • Groan inducing dialogue
  • Transition cut scenes with boobs
  • Ball crunching / nut-cracking sounds
  • “Uh-huh”, “Gross”, “Nuh-uh” (Any Valley Girl colloquialisms)
  • “Kenji”

Quotes

“He’s sweet in a lock-your-doors, mace-in-hand, don’t-be-alone-with-him kind of way.”

“Say you have tiny balls.” “I have tiny balls!” “Say it like you mean it!”

“Hey pretty princess!”

“Looking at five million years of evolution.  It’s….”  “Rewarding?”

“We’re talking about the mob, not a couple of drunken sailors.”

“What do you know?  Obviously you’ve never run a crime family.”

Viewer Quotes

“Man…  Their cheerleading uniforms don’t even match.”

“Just donkey punch him.”

“Look at his phone! It’s not plugged in to anything.”

What We Learned

  • There’s a $50K strip-off, and you don’t even have to take your clothes off to win.
  • It’s not frowned upon to take high school students from your karate studio and have them work in your strip club.
  • Cheerleaders can dance and cheer in the middle of the basketball court in the middle of the game and no one will mind.
  • Ninjas are taught the ancient art of “ball crunching”.

Final Take

You get exactly what you expect in a movie about three cheerleader ninjas (the actresses are closer to 30 than 20) who have to save their Sensei (George Takei) from the mob.  Why does the mob kidnap the Sensei?  Because the mob family used to own the dojo / ninja studio building.  That’s it- not out of revenge or any motive, he just wants the building.  Did I mention that Sensei also runs runs the local strip club where he employs his students?  But that’s perfectly acceptable, because he just wants to help them make enough money to go to an Ivy League school.  The acting, editing and camera work is all as bad as can be expected, but the sound stands out as being particularly awful.  This movie would have been much better if it were more gratuitous.

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