Plot: Three strangers’ lives are inevitably entangled in a conflict none of them are prepared for.
Rules
Rice Cookers, or rice related references
Scope Vision (advanced)
Dead Assassins
Cage saying “cage”
Quotes
“I fall into you knowing full well there’s going to be a hard landing.”
Viewer Quotes
This is not a quotable movie at all.
This is the kind of movie I’ll wake up with no memory of the next morning.
“What kind of music is this?” – “This is like two bums happening upon instruments in a dark alley.”
Things We Learned
Nobody steals a stripped car
What Nic Cage does best is set up kill chains.
Final Take: This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It was convoluted and overly complicated, which is not a great recipe for a bad movie thursday hit. There were some good “Nic Cage” moments, on the crazy/bad end of the spectrum, but definitely the most watchable moments of the whole thing. As was quoted above, I probably won’t remember too much of this movie in the morning. Pretty forgettable.
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Jin Zhang, Harry Shum Jr, Devon Sava, 50 Cent
Plot: The daughter of a Hong Kong tech executive goes missing in what appears to be a routine ransom job. As Breslin and his crew delve deeper, they discover the culprit is the deranged son of one of their former foes, who also kidnapped Breslin’s love and is holding her inside the massive prison known as Devil’s Station. (via IMDB)
Rules
Product Placements
“Zhang”
“Wong” (also applies to bad puns from the viewers)
“Chine”
Stallone goes full Rambo
Viewer Quotes
“You messed with the Wong guy.” (and about 10 more like this)
What We Learned
Body guards don’t need to be armed, only Ray Breslen
80 year old Sly Stallone is still jacked and can kill people with his bare hands.
Not to watch a 4th ‘Escape Plan’, if they decide to make one.
Final Take: This was just a bad movie, but not in a good way. Not much to write about because it was another formulaic, thin plotted action movie where Sly and friends took a pay day for a movie targeting the China market. I think 50 Cent was in one scene, although had one of the top billings of the cast (in the US at least). Dave Bautista was reliably entertaining as the one man wrecking crew, and Sly did have a decent final fight scene. Beyond that… terrible. I did see that this movie may have set a record for having so much of the film as production information (90 seconds of production company logos and nearly 9 mins of credits), so 11.7% of the run time of the film. That’s got to be something- right?
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Dave Bautista, Xiaoming Huang (really the star of the movie), 50 cent (no vitamin water seen in the movie), kid from Desperate Housewives, Amos from the Expanse
Plot: Years after he fought his way out of an inescapable prison, Ray Breslin has organized a new top-notch security force. But when one of his team members goes missing, Breslin must return to the hell he once escaped from. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Say “Algorithm”
Say “1764”
Product placement
Say “All prisoners return to your spoke”
Quotes:
“I need you to kick my ass.”
“Turns out the doctor is a lamp stand.”
Viewer Quotes:
“This movie feels a lot like Major League Soccer. The league’s in China and we send them all of our aging stars out for one last paycheck.”
“Sly looks like he’s wearing a wax mask… Or a Reagan mask.”
Things We Learned:
There’s an algorithm you can use to deal with terrorist extractions… but never trust it.
The best way to share confidential information is on sticky notes.
The best way to build an inescapable prison is to have one that rotates. But it doesn’t matter, as Sly will find a way out.
Final Take:
This was pretty silly and painless. It’s certainly not a classic, but it went down easy. (Much like Coors Light on a boat on the lake in the summer while listening to Michael McDonald.)
Starring: Dad from Home Alone, and one of the Wet Bandits
Plot: Homeless people that live in the sewers are disappearing, and something terrifying might be killing them. CHUDs!
Rules
References to the “underground”.
Homeless people
CHUD attack
References to radiation
Quotes
“It’s buck dancers choice, my friend.”
“We don’t have to listen to the lunatic ravings of this paranoid hippie.”
Viewer Quotes
“This guy’s wearing a full Canadian tuxedo.” – “What is that, scrubs?”
Things We Learned
In the 80’s, when a woman gets a call from the doctor, she’s pregnant.
You can intimidate people by eating their payphone change.
In the 80’s, going to the papers was the biggest threat of all. These days it means nothing.
New York apartments have access panels to the sewers.
Final Take: This was a decent Thursday movie. Definitely kept my attention, and the rules worked to keep a steady flow of beer going. There was a surprisingly strong cast involved in this one, and a plot involving corrupt politicians that still seems relevant. Not too shabby.
Plot: Scientist brings virtual reality characters to life. Two are women from the cybersex game site. The third is a warrior who wants to unleash the rest of the bad guys from the virtual reality underworld. A border cop must defeat the virtual reality warrior while learning to relate to one of the cybersex babes.
Rules
Computer Voice
Computer lingo that doesn’t make sense
Using the stupid flip phone.
Dante kills someone
Quotes
“I’m in training for the tight-ass olympics.”
Viewer Quotes
“Let’s make a phone out of a travel battleship game!”
“Is ‘back to life’ the right terminology? They’ve never been alive.”
Things We Learned
The ground floor of Excalibur is a cybersex hub.
“Software robbers” are totally ripped gangsters instead of just nerds living in their mom’s basements.
In the future, a taser is actually a laser.
You can create a physical copy of a program by copying it from MD-Rom to disc.
You can’t beat a computer at a computer game.
500 PSI will kill a-lifers.
Final Take: A pretty poor copy of Virtuosity, and a shameless cash-in on the weird virtual reality craze of the time. This film has not aged very well, now that we’re living in the times they were projecting for us. The plot is hard to follow, the action is slow and poorly choreographed, and there’s probably not quite enough T & A to justify the rating. It’s entertaining as long as you’re drinking beers with friends, but will likely fade from memory as soon as the credits roll past.
Starring: Erik Estrada, Danny Trejo, Dona Speir, Bruce Penhall
Plot: Juan Degas is the Jack of Diamonds, a nefarious armsmonger who intends to smuggle a big quantity of a new state-of-the-art weapon into America through Hawaii. In order to do so, Degas desperately needs to come up with a clever scheme to get out of his way the Agents who threaten the success of his plans. With the intention to liquidate both L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, Degas’ assassins manage to engage them in a dangerous, fast-paced chase that will eventually lead them to Las Vegas, thousands of miles away. However, when Degas’ men abduct Donna’s mother, it will be his biggest mistake because, from that point on, things are about to get personal. Hungry for revenge, Donna armed with a devastating rocket launcher, she will have to go through stealthy ninja assassins and radio-controlled scale boats loaded with explosives to protect her family. (via IMDB)
Rules
Gambling references
Hawaiian Landmarks
Cross Dressing
Different “moods” of music (requires subtitles on)
Remote control vehicles
Quotes
“Restaurant owner by day, secret agent by night”
“Baking bread to busting heads.”
“Don’t just do something. Stand there!”
“That mother is a bitch.” “That bitch is my mother.”
“That’s what’s known as a plan” (mansplaining)
“You know the type. Loose hips, wet lips.”
“Hiyah my ass!”
Viewer Quotes
“You’re going in a little aggressive dude.” “He’s the Jack of Diamonds.”
What We Learned
Getting busy on a motorcycle is a good time.
If you’re a secret agent, you need a side hustle– but note they can widely vary in level of responsibility (run a hotel on the Las Vegas strip or be a stripper)
Reflections in a mirror can be very confusing to tell which person is real- even if the person is standing right in the doorway (let’s not even consider the angles and mirrors required to create such an “illusion”).
♫ Don’t play with guns, they aren’t much fun. ♫
Bud light and a grenade is the best way to kill a magician.
Hit men are into cross-dressing
Final Take
Andy Sidaris movies have really become our go-to when we don’t have anything in mind and can’t quickly find something through Amazon Prime. You know exactly what you’re getting with a Sidaris movie, but for Bad Movie Thursday, that is a good thing: gratuitous nudity, a mind-numbingly stupid plot, remote control vehicles, decent entertaining action sequences with explosions, and bad (but quotable) dialogue. I can’t really say if this one was any better or worse than any of the other Sidaris movies (same basic plot, same actors, etc, but Guns does have the bonus of featuring Bad Movie Thursday Hall-of-Famer Danny Trejo, and Erik Estrada. But we had a good time, laughed quite a bit, and no one fell asleep (not even Marcella), so this one can be considered a winner.
Starring: Frank Grillo and Nic Cage (Partial Appearance)
Plot: Every six years, an ancient order of jiu-jitsu fighters joins forces to battle a vicious race of alien invaders. But when a celebrated war hero goes down in defeat, the fate of the planet and mankind hangs in the balance. (From IMDB)
Rules:
Seeing the Comet
Weird Subtitles
Fidget Spinners Attack
First Person Video Game Scenes
Stupid Cartoon Storyboard Transitions
Quotes:
“I like women with thick thighs.”
“Do you know those Jedi Knights that just took out my entire unit?”
“I got a license to kill you… No expiration date.”
“I know that the spaceman likes you.”
Viewer Quotes:
Regarding Nic Cage: “Is he supposed to be Asian? Is he wearing a Sombrero?”
“Oh look, it’s the Ninja Turtles Temple.”
Things We Learned:
Nic Cage makes really good hats out of newspaper.
You can split one sword into two swords.
The movie Jiu Jitsu doesn’t have a lot of Jiu Jitsu in it.
Final Take:
There was a lot of potential here for something awesome. Sadly, it fell short. The movie is a never-ending barrage of fighting with little to no plot or dialogue. It’s as if they shot a three-hour movie and then edited anything out that had to do with story or cohesion. There are moments of cool things, but the sheer repetitiveness and ripped off Predator theme suck most of the fun out. Nice Cage is also underused both in screen time and in the sheer lunacy for which we watch his films.
Plot: A ruthless vehicular gang rules the post-apocalyptic wasteland. That’s until a muscled hero named Slade builds the ultimate machine gun – Equalizer 2000, and declares a one man war on the gang’s “piece of garbage” leader.
Rules
Sporting equipment used as armor
Shooting more bullets than you have in your gun.
Dropping references to things we haven’t heard of yet (“The Ownership”)
“Sand Chopper”
“The Ownership”
Richard Norton running down a rock hill.
Flamethrowers
Quotes
I want Slade and I want him now. (there are almost no quotable lines in this movie)
We can’t hold… we’re gonna have to pull out.
You’ll get a procedural endorsement for this!
Viewer Quotes
I don’t understand who’s fighting who.
There’s no quotes in this movie at all. – There’s no dialogue in this movie at all.
Any friend of Chuck Norris is a friend of mine!
Loosely tied. Kind of like how I tie things to the roof of my car.
Who is it that he hates, and why?
Oh, no, it’s the Mountain People! – Let’s get ’em!
Things We Learned
In the post-apocalyptic future, there is no shortage of bullets, but you can’t find food, water, or gas.
Richard Norton is really good at running downhill on uneven terrain.
Combining 6 guns together makes you completely unstoppable.
Final Take: A totally forgettable movie with an almost completely incomprehensible plot. They dropped you into the middle of this story with a grand battle between various warring factions, but no backstory to explain everything that’s going on. Bottom line, if you’re just interested in explosions and actions scenes, and don’t care about understanding the deeper plot, you might enjoy this.
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid and a long list of semi-celebs in cameos
Plot: With a bitter taste in the mouth, knowing that the Sharknado crisis is far from over yet, Fin and April travel to London after the events of Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens (2016), as Nova Clarke’s fact-finding expedition accidentally triggers a wave of ferocious and bigger-than-ever Sharknadoes. As a result, with prehistoric Stonehenge as the epicentre of the unstoppable new menace, Fin’s young son, Gil, gets sucked into the heart of the brutal cyclone, with minimal chances of survival. Now, Fin Shepard, humankind’s dauntless chainsaw-wielding hero, and his intrepid bionic wife, April, must track down a complex and omnipotent vortex formation that rapidly transforms into something unimaginable: an ever-growing Sharknado of global proportions. This time, Fin and April have their work cut out for them, in a perilous mission across the four corners of the world. Who shall live and who shall die when the fifth awakens? (via IMDB)
Rules
Cameos
“Sharknado”
Movie references / gags
Riding sharks
Impaling sharks or getting impaled by a shark
Quotes
“I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a human helicopter.” (turns out she was, in fact, a human helicopter
“You clear your thoughts.” (to Tara Reid’s character)
What We Learned
The Sydney Opera House is actually a transforming, shark killing machine, that somehow requires Tony Hawk for repairs
Olivia Newton John’s daughter (Chloe Lattanzi) is one of the creepiest looking, saddest ‘plastic-surgery-gone-wrong’ victims in recent memory.
The British Secret Service has developed a helmet with a shark fin to protect you in case you end up in Sharknado.
Sharknados creation teleportation portals and time travel
Final Take
Are we getting Sharknado fatigue? There were times watching this movie where I asked myself if 5 films of complete absurdity and bad cameos could actually be getting tired and boring- and yes it is very close, but there is enough here with a $3M budget and one-upping the stupidity to keep it fun. The bar is set very low… Can I say I’m actually somewhat forward to the next one, as long as Dolph Lungren is more than just a cameo?
