Bad Movie Thursday

Date Watched: 5/30/13

Plot: A pioneer family vanishes, a search party goes a’lookin’ fer ’em.  Pretty soon, they need a search party to find the search party.  A masterpiece of the Cowboy/Carniverous Worm People genre (from xfinity).

Starring: Clancy Brown, William Mapother

Rules:

• Burrowing (anything going in or out of holes)
• Gratuitous mustache shots.
• People drinking.
• “Burrowers”
• Predator noises

Quotes:

• “Why do you spend so much time running that boy’s belly? He already thinks you’re Jesus Crockett.”
• “Skinny woman.  Why don’t you just poke the boy.”
• “I’d rather walk in the right direction than ride with my head up my ass.”
• “Don’t you ever touch my Indian!!”

Viewer Quotes:

• “Anything going in or out of holes” “Ha.  Is that a rule or a quote”  (both apparently)
• “Meek’s Crossing is the most boring movie ever filmed.”

What We Learned:

• Indians were called “blanket heads”
• Burrowers were there before the white man and used to feed on the buffalo.  After the evil white man killed the buffalo, they had to find another food source.
• It’s possible to sleep while riding a horse.
• You need a little fish to kill burrowers.  But it’s really the sunlight that kills them.
• Viewers of Fear.net must need Proactiv.
• “Call within 10 minute” commercial offers apply to on-demand movies.

Final Take:

This movie had recognizable actors, a reasonable budget and a decent story, but I’d still call it a failure for bad movie thursday.  It wasn’t campy enough, and it was really tough to come up with rules or entertaining viewer quotes.  So I don’t know if that’s a put-down or an endorsement.  It had an interesting premise about the subterrenean creatures that live on the prairie and come out every three generations to feed (part Tremors, part creature from ‘Jeepers Creepers’) and the filmmakers really wanted to play up aspect of the victims being paralyzed and buried alive, but it really didn’t make sense– the creatures needed to keep them alive, because they could only consume rotten, liquified food?  What?!  Bottom line, it’s not a bad movie, but not a great movie to sit around and joke with friends about.  We probably would have been better off watching ‘Steel and Lace’.