Archive for the 'Gratuitous Violence' Category

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31
Dec
14

In the Name of the King 3: The Last Job aka The Last Mission (2014)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, God Awful and Gratuitous Violence
Tags: , ,

In the Name of the King 3

Viewing Date:  11/6/14

Plot:

A modern-day assassin, wanting out, is hired for one final job – to kidnap the kids of a local businessman. Things go haywire when it turns out he’s chosen to return to the Middle Ages and bring back order to a kingdom in chaos.  (From IMDB)

Rules:

Bad European child acting

Dragon sightings

People say “dragons”

Fish out of water gags

Every time they mention “the marking”

Anachronisms

Quotes:

“He has the marking.  No one should have the marking.  Where did you get this marking?”

“Now, go on horse.”

“We have brought a stranger.”

“That’s my chair.  Your chair is over there.”

“He speaks like a coward…”  “I bid you adieu.”

“Things change… but people like you never do.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Is this the transporter?”

“Look, the Shaman is making a BBQ rub.”

“I have no emotional investment in this movie whatsoever.”

“That was the movie?”

Things We Learned:

-When you align a European child’s talisman with a hit man’s forearm tattoo, a wormhole opens, and you travel to another dimension with dragons.

-Dragons can eat bullets from handguns.

12
Jul
14

Hellbinders (2009)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Ninjas, Rules and Washed up actors

Hellbinders

Date Watched: 6/19/14

Starring: Darth Maul

Plot:

A supernatural battle for souls plays out on the streets with lots of guns and knives. (From IMDB)

Rules:

Weird comic book crap

References to the Knights Templar

People talking in a demon voice

Vomiting demons out of mouths or demon possession

Radical and/or knarly stunts

References to the devil

Quotes:

“Kill them all, that’s my motto anyway.”

“I didn’t come here for a lecture, priest.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Can you really tell when a Japanese actor is acting badly?”… “Yes, in this movie you can.”

“What is this?  Willy Wonka’s factory?”

“Who knew Darth Maul had such a potty mouth.”

“He kind of looks like the evil Jimmy Kimmel.”

“He keeps having pancakes w/ ketchup, that’s step one of his failure.”

Things We Learned:

White people become Japanese when they wear dark eyeliner.

It takes several days to paint a pentagram.

If you are in a coma you can lose your soul.

A cast full of stuntmen are not good actors.

Final Take:

Not a bad little movie with a cheap budget.  I don’t know why Darth Maul is slumming it in this movie, but I guess that’s what you get after starring with Jar Jar.  

12
Jul
14

Dead in Tombstone (2013)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Cowboys, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Washed up actors

Dead in Tombstone

Date Watched: 5/29/14

Starring: Danny Trejo, Anthony Michael Hall, Mickey Rourke

Plot:

A gang overruns a small mining town murdering their own leader Guerrero (Trejo) in a cold-blooded power grab. Sentenced to eternity in hell he finds himself confronted by Satan himself (Rourke), offering a daring proposition: deliver the six souls of his former gang and he will escape damnation. With time running out, he sets out on a brutal rampage to avenge his own death. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Gun close ups

-Mention of god or the devil

-Say “hermano” or “brother”

-Show clocks

Quotes:

“Maybe we should stick around… get some putas.”

“I’m Jesus H Christ in this town.”

“We killed you.”  Response: “No, this is how you kill someone.”

“The lawman’s wench, she will be the end of you.”

Viewer Quotes:

“How do you know who the chick in Starship Troopers actual name is?”

“That is a vision of hell… having Mickey Rourke chew on your fingers.”

“After a year of being a corpse, his skin would slide off just like a Papa Johns pizza.”

Things We Learned:

-Mickey Rourke is Lucifer

-The devil makes his own rules.

Final Take:

Ho-hum.  

12
Jul
14

Tamara (2005)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Gory, Gratuitous Violence and Rules

Tamara

 

Date Watched: 4/24/14

Starring: No One

Plot:

Tamara is a girl who didn’t quite fit in. Tamara is constantly picked on and when a couple of friends plays a joke on Tamara, it leads to her death. The friends bury her tries to make it seem that Tamara ran away. But all is not forgotten. Tamara returns as a sexy seductress and plans her revenge. (due to witchcraft). Well like they say: Karma’s a bitch. (From IMDB)

Rules:

-Witch stereotypes

-Say “witchcraft”

-Say “Tamara” (which is the name of the movie and a house rule)

-VHS tapes

Quotes:

“I’ll see you later you trailer trash whore.”

“My parents are going out of town soon and it’s going to be Patrick-Palooza Five!”

“It’s Tamara… she’s alive… she just walked into class.”

“It’s getting wet… the table.”

Viewer Quotes:

“For guys using steroids they should have used actors that have bigger muscles than I do.”

“Wow, that guy owns a VCR repair shop.”

“Awesome!  I love it when they pull out a larynx, just like in Roudhouse.”

Things We Learned:

-VHS tapes are still very much used and they even have VCR repair shops.

-Steroids can be highly ineffective, as shown by the skinny weaklings that take them in this movie

Final Take:

This movie was surprisingly well done.  There was some real tension in some of the scenes, and I can’t really say that in many BMT movies.  I would have thought that the director would have gone to do something after this movie other than some Disney dance videos.  There must be a witch that cast a spell on him and took away his career.

12
Jul
14

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Zombies

A Cadaver Christmas

Date Watched: 3/6/2014

Starring: No One

Plot:

United by terrifying and bizarre circumstances, the janitor, the drunk, the bartender, the cop, his perp, and the student security guard must fight to undo the professor’s work. A dark force is at work in the cadaver lab this Christmas and this unconventional band of heroes are the only hope the world has against an army of living corpses that are quickly recruiting new members. The undead have been given the gift of life and it’s up to the janitor to take it back. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Say “Christmas”
  • Zombies dressed up in Xmas attire
  • Say Cadavers
  • Christmas songs
  • Hippos
  • Every time drunk guy drinks

Quotes:

“I do love them hippos.”

“I was framed”, “Yeah, for f&&king a goat.”, “HER NAME IS BETSY, and WE’RE IN LOVE!!!”

“Step away from my perp, janitor.”

“Why don’t you talk to me?”, “I don’t talk to goat f&&kers!”, “YOU ARE A ZOMBIE!”

“You can’t just leave him here, he’s our friend now.”

“He stabbed Eddie in the neck with a desk!”

“Besides, I’m a janitor and I never leave a mess uncleaned.”

“I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking where did you get such a big rubber band?”

“Is he watching us?”  “Sort of, in the way that a deceased loved one might watch over us.”

“You really are the best friend I have… left.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Dude, this guy’s going to have sex with a corpse?”

“That guy’s not a bad actor.  I mean I don’t feel awkward watching him… and that’s something.”

Things We Learned:

-Cadavers come in shipments from UPS.

-You can kill zombies with a Xmas tree.

Final Take:

This movie was very enjoyable and a cut above your standard zombie fare.  It would be perfect to watch around Christmas time as an antidote to the typical holiday entertainment.  I’d much rather watch a zombie killed with a Christmas tree than an angel get its wings any day.

11
Jul
14

Machete Kills

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gratuitous Violence, In Space, Ninjas, Spin-off or sequel and Washed up actors

machete

 

Viewing Date: 7/10/14

Starring:  Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Mel Gibson, Michelle Rodriguez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Carlos Estevez

Plot:  Machete kills a bunch of guys.  Eventually he goes to space.

Rules

  • Dismemberments
  • “Machete” (better have a full drink or 5 ready for this rule)
  • The “3D” sequences
  • Machete refers to himself in third person
  • Anytime something is shot out of boobs

Quotes

“Machete don’t tweet.”

“Peso pussy Tuesday…”

“Why help the US?”  “Because I’m the only one who can.”

“How many of you are there?” “Sorry, that’s classified.”

“I just gotta say you are a genuine article, Genghis Khan level, high caliber, fucker-people-upper…”

“There’s only one Machete!!”

“I thought Machete don’t text.”  “Machete loves everybody.”

“Oh baby, I always dress to the nines.”  “I always dress to kill.”

“Machete happens.”

 

Viewer Quotes

“That was her mom?”  (right before Machete said the same thing)

 

What we learned

  • Electricity doesn’t hurt Machete
  • Elon Musk is a madman who loves Machete
  • Machete can breathe in space
  • Machete knows the score
  • Machete happens

Final Take

While still fun and entertaining, the camp was wearing thin by the end of this movie (almost 2 hours long).  This movie was more of a James Bond spoof than the straight forward, over-the-top Mexsploitation revenge story from the first movie.  Still a winner, but I hope if the next Machete is made, they keep it  to an hour and a half or under.

16
May
14

Bounty Killer

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Cannibalism, Cults, Gratuitous Violence, Hillbillies, Postapocalyptic and Uncategorized

Image

Starring: Lady Terminator

Date Watched: 5/25/2014

Plot

Bounty killers in a post-apocalyptic wasteland kill corporate fat cats and they may even get paid for it, but maybe they just do it for fun.  Also, PBR is a national treasure!

Rules

  • Saying “Bounty Killer” (House rule, but make sure you keep it in mind.  It pays off in spades)
  • “Mary Death”
  • “Drifter”
  • Eagle screech/rattlesnake noise
  • “The council”
  • Gary Busey says something awesome.
  • PBR
  • “Funny Bunny” (Finger Bunny, whichever)

Quotes

  • “I can’t have you following me, finger bunny”
  • “Fuck, gypsies?  We’re dead!”
  • “I’m so fat.  They’re going to love me, I’m so marbled!”
  • “Drifter is so full of prizes.” <slurred>
  • “I hope he don’t go blind and his pecker don’t fall off.”
  • “Button your lip, short dick”
  • “Oh, that taste like boobies.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is like a video game.  All style and no substance.”
  • “This is a lot like Barb Wire!”  –  “That’s true.  It’s a good companion piece.”  –  “Acting’s better, though”
  • “There’s nothing prettier than a girl with a half-painted skull on her face.”
  • “What the hell is a finger bunny?”
  • “He’s controlling the motorcycles like horses.”
  • “You’d better stop and axe somebody!”
  • “This movie needs more Gary Busey…said no one ever.”
  • “Maybe funny bunny makes more sense than finger bunny.”
  • “That looked really stupid, but I’ll allow it.”

What We Learned

  • In the future they only have old classic cars.
  • Gypsies are drunken cannibals with immaculate clown faces
  • A lethal axe can be made out of a stop sign.
  • PBR is like liquid gold after the apocalypse.
  • PBR tastes like boobies.
  • When you exit the badlands you go over a jump.
  • Nothing says I love you like getting stabbed in the spleen.
  • Fuel and ammunition are not a concern after the apocalypse.
  • White collar criminals have jetpacks.

Final Take

This was a surprisingly entertaining movie, almost a diamond in the rough.  Actually, diamond is a bit much.  More like a shiny rock in the rough.  It tried to be kind of artistic, almost feeling a bit like Sin City at times, but for the most part it was just ridiculous gun fights and explosions, with a little T & A thrown in for good measure.  There was even some decent comedy sprinkled around.  This movie was pretty much picked at random so getting some memorable entertainment out of it was a nice surprise.  Give it a watch.

21
Feb
14

Bullet to the Head (2012)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Washed up actors

Bullet to the Head

 

Viewing Date:  2/20/14

Starring:  Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Plot:

In New Orleans, the hit men James Bonomo, a.k.a. Jimmy Bobo, and Louis Blanchard execute the dirty cop Hank Greely in a hotel room. But they are betrayed and Louis is stabbed in a bar by the mercenary Keegan while waiting for the payment of the contract. Meanwhile the Washington D.C. police detective Taylor Kwon comes to New Orleans to investigate the murder of Greely, who had stolen evidences from the Police Department. Soon he is shot by two dirty detectives but Jimmy saves his life. Jimmy brings Taylor to the shop of his daughter Lisa and she removes the bullet from his shoulder and nurses him. Taylor and Jimmy form the most unlikely partnership to investigate the crimes and after contacting the intermediate Ronnie Earl that had hired Jimmy and Louis, they discover a network of corruption formed by the lawyer Marcus Baptiste and the entrepreneur Robert Nkomo Morel. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Bullets to the head
  • Unnecessary flexing
  • Especially unintelligible dialogue
  • Breaking through stuff
  • Cats
  • Emphasis on tattoos
  • Say “Bobo”
  • Internal Monologues
  • Say “crescent city”

Quotes:

“Your choice, but make up your mind because my f@@king arm is getting tired.”

“Give him a band aid and a blow pop.”

“Rip it and zip it party boy.”

“When I want your opinion, I’ll buy you a brain.”

“Are we gonna fight, or are you going to bore me to death”

“What are we, f@@king Vikings?”

Viewer Quotes:

Question: “Do you think I could get away with walking into a bar and putting down a bottle of Bourbon and paying $25 for a glass”  Answer: “Maybe if you’re name is Bobo.”

“Christian Slater keeps making new shows, but they keep getting canceled.”

“This movie’s just going to pass us by, and we won’t remember anything about it.”

“I shot him, you’re welcome.”

Things we learned:

Stallone keeps awkward party masks on him at all times in order to fit in at naked lady costume parties.

Christian Slater talks toughs, but will fold after being hit once and give away any secret he has ever been told.

Stallone keeps his car wired to explode at all times.

New Orleans is the Crescent City.

Every cop is dirty in New Orleans.

Your safe house needs a trap door to be able to escape into the bayou.

Final take:

Two weeks from now we will have no clue what this movie was about.  I don’t know that I remember what this movie was about now.  I know that several people got shot in the head and that a couple of people had tattoos.  I think Stallone made several racially insensitive quotes about the Asian lead police officer, but I couldn’t really make out what he was saying, so I don’t know for sure.

17
Feb
14

Rubber

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad Movies and Gratuitous Violence

Rubber-2010-film-poster

Viewing Date: Jan 30, 2014

Starring: Robert the tire

Plot

When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

Rules

  • Exploding heads or animals
  • Breaking the “4th wall”
  • Insect / telekinesis sounds
  • Psychokinetic powers
  • Peanut gallery commentary
  • Weird music that just doesn’t belong
  • “No reason.”

Quotes

“My God the kid was right.  The killer is the tire!”

“What position?  “Probably start with a nice blow job.”

“Get that dirty tire out of the pool or I’m going to get really mad!”

“Is the tire black?”

“You’re nothing but a rubber shit.”

“It’s not the end!!  He’s been reincarnated as a tricycle!”

Viewer Quotes

“How much time is left in this?”

“At least it was short.”

What We Learned

  • Tires have telekinesis
  • Tires can be reincarnated as tricycles
  • Women should close the door when they take showers in shitty motels.
  • There is no reason for anything
  • All important films contain an element of ‘no reason’
  • Some bad movies go by faster than you’d expect.

Final Take

This one had been on our list for a long time.  It seems like a wonderfully bad concept, but the filmmakers really have to beat you over the head with the fact that the film is all for no reason.  Really, we would be fine with “no reason”, but we are not fine with “no fun to watch”.  Unfortunately, this movie was both.

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