Archive for the 'Bad Movies' Category



18
Nov
12

The Dead Undead (Vampires vs Zombies)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plot:

A group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie like creatures whose only motivation is to feed on flesh, whether Human or Vampire. A group of Vamprie commandos tries to keep their identity secret, while trying to stop the spread of the infection. Soldiers from across the ages, it’s up to these vampires to end the zombie infection. Caught in the middle is a group of human kids on a camping trip, who team up with the Vampires in an attempt to survive. (from IMDB)

Year:

2010

Starring:

Some guy who looks like Corben Bernsen.

Rules:

Zombie flies back from being shot

Zombie hit by car

Hiding a Zombie/Vampire bite

Vampire getting burned by sunlight

Slow motion shooting guns

They say ZV

Quotes:

“Any luck Mr. Bad Wrench?”

“This is why I don’t stay at these scummy scum bag motels.”

“This isn’t a video game kids.”

Viewer Quotes:

“Worthless shower scene.”

“This Shelly is just like the real Shelly.  She drinks until she passes out.”

“Do you think one of these guys is named Chavez?”

“Worst death ever.”

Things we learned from this movie:

After you shoot a shotgun you should throw it away as it can’t be used anymore.

Garden gnomes explode when you shoot them.

You can be both a zombie and a vampire.  (AZV)

Flashbacks to ancient Roman times, Vietnam, or the Old West can literally happen any time w/o reason.

10
Nov
12

The Incredible Hulk Returns

Starring: Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno

Plot: 

It’s been two years since the Hulk has surfaced, and Dr David Bruce Banner is on the verge of curing himself of the Hulk. A device he helped create, the Gamma Transponder, will rid him of his own Gamma radiation, among other uses. Enter Don Blake, a former colleague of Banner’s, who is now in possession of a mystic hammer which can summon Thor, an ancient Viking warrior. When the Gamma Transponder is nearly stolen and Banner’s girlfriend is kidnapped, Banner must abandon the hope of being cured and rely on the Hulk and Thor to save the day.

Rules: 

  • Hulk Transforms
  • Hulk Flexes
  • Hulk goes through walls
  • Hulk picks up something abnormally heavy
  • Thor is summoned
  • Thor says “Oden’s Beard!”

Quotes: 

  • “Be Safe love.”   “Yeeeessssss”
  • “This is the 80’s.  I don’t know what a good cause is anymore.”
  • “When men and women ate life with shining teeth.”
  • “You look like a rat-tailed saxon to me.”
  • “You two attack the front while I engage these weasels from the rear.”

The Final Word

This was a backfill.  We originally watched this movie a few years ago and recorded it in the original Lip Log.  I don’t remember anything of this movie, if that tells you something.  Hulk gets angry, transforms, and for some reason moves in slow motion anytime he is the hulk.  I don’t even remember what Thor does.  Probably smashes things with a hammer.  View this movie at your own risk.

26
Oct
12

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Plot:

Abe Lincoln hates vampires.  He hunts them.  They have something to do with slavery.  Somehow he becomes president. The end.

Rules:

  • “Abraham”
  • Axe tricks/Axe swinging
  • Cliche Lincoln Crap (Honest, Beard, Top Hat, etc.)
  • Vampires talking about their long lives.
  • Other historical figures make an appearance.

Quotes: 

None worth mentioning.  A first!

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Lincoln is so out of place at these high-society events.”
  • “I played this game when it was Sunset Riders.”
  • “The beard of power!”
  • “The ladies called him ‘Baberaham.'”
  • “What’s with the shopkeeper acting all weird?  There’s something going on there…”
  • “This explains that silver collection campaign that actually happened during the Civil War.”

What We Learned:

  • Vampires were everywhere in pre-Civil War America.
  • Vampires long ago learned how to live in the sun.
  • Abraham had a gun axe.  Surprise!
  • Advanced vampires know Karate.
  • Vampires cannot kill their own kind.
  • Vampires fought for the South (suspected, but now we know)
05
Oct
12

The Gate

Plot:

Three young children accidentally release a horde of nasty, pint-sized demons from a hole in a suburban backyard. What follows is a classic battle between good and evil as the three kids struggle to overcome a nightmarish hell that is literally taking over the Earth.

Rules:

  • “Glen”, “Al”, or “Terry”
  • Creatures from Hell
  • Feathered hair or flat tops

Quotes:

  • “Hey, somebody get this dog a beer!”
  • “Hey, you want to come over later and mess around?”
  • [Driving with a dead dog] “Whoa, no vacancies dude!”
  • “What are you doing?  Probably fagging off.”
  • “We have to go to the hole and do it right.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “That jean jacket sucks”
  • “Perfect time for the backdoor…”
  • “This is what scared me as a kid.”
  • “Just when you thought they were out of the woods, a dead body falls out of the wall.”
  • “Someone should stab demon Terry in the eye.”
  • “The only thing this monster does is put eyeballs in your hand.”

What We Learned:

  • A model rocket can kill a demon.
  • Some combination of geodes, heavy metal, and a dog sacrifice will open hell on earth.
  • Little demons form a zombie called the working man.
  • Demons can somehow put an eye in your hand.
31
Aug
12

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives

Viewing Date: 8/30/2012

Summary: A group of trannies are violently bashed and left for dead. The surviving ladies regain consciousness, confidence, and courage ready to seek out revenge on the ones who attacked them.

Starring: a bunch of Transvestites.

Rules:

Chapter Change.

Snaps

“Honey”

“Bubbles”

Quotes:

“This ain’t bridge over troubled tranny.”

“I’m sorry, but all further questions must be submitted in writing and emailed to shut the hell up dot com.”

(fart) “Oops.  ‘Scuse me.  Tacos.”

“No Boner don’t!  Stay down!”

Viewer Quotes:

“I just want to see what they look like- the nipples.”

What We Learned:

Getting hit over the head and going into a coma gives you a lisp.

 

16
Aug
12

Cool As Ice

Viewing Date: Aug 9, 2012

Starring: Vanilla Ice, Michael Gross

Summary: The old teen rebel saga is updated for the rap crowd, unfortunately rapper Vanilla Ice is the teen. Ice shows up on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone’s attention, including the female honor student who has never had a rebellious bone in her body.

Rules:

“Yep yep.”

Vanilla Ice doing motorcycle tricks.

Any spontaneous rapping or dancing.

Any time Vanilla Ice changes his hair or hat.

White people being shocked / disgusted.

“ice”

Quotes:

“Yo.  Peep that out.”

“You know.  The chick that drives the hooise.”

“I’m a big boy.  I’m also a thirsty one.”

Viewer Quotes:

“I wonder if Vanilla Ice falls asleep to this movie every night with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand…”

“Where are they?  Pee Wee’s playhouse?”

What We Learned:

You walk down the middle of the street in small towns.

Be kool, stay in skool.

20
Jul
12

Solarbabies

Image

Starring: Jason Patric (from Speed 2: Cruise Control), potentially Cory Haim, dude from Heroes.

Plot: Something about an orb that can tell the future.  It’s post-apocalyptic and there are kids with roller skates.

Rules:

  • Skating across a bridge
  • Torture scenes
  • Skate jumping
  • “Orb”
  • “Scorpion”
  • “Bodai”

Quotes:

  • “Get out you creature of filth.”
  • “The owl…is it yours?” – “As much as an owl is anyone’s.”
  • “We wait.  We follow.  We got them all.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Uh Oh.  Here comes the skaters.”
  • “Why do they all have lights on their skates?” – “It’s more futuristic that way!”
  • “The guy from Cool-Hand Luke!
  • “Oh my god.  This guy’s got a falcon.”
  • “A good way to stop skaters is to not pave everything.”
  • “So he was deaf?  How come he can speak so well?”
  • “Bodai is the golden rule.  Every other word.”
  • “There’s not paved paths wherever you go out in the wild!”
  • “Whoa! Is that the uncle from the Adams’ Family?”

Things that we learned

  • The post-apocalyptic future is covered in paved walkways.
  • In the future, dogs wear head lamps.
  • The best way to get away from future cops is to put yourself in a tire and roll away.
  • Slow, clumsy robots aren’t very effective.
  • Bodai doesn’t leave, he’s always there.  Jesus?
15
Jun
12

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Viewing Date: 6/14/2012

Starring: The Nicholas Cage

Summary: Johnny Blaze, a man who made a deal with the Devil who called himself Roarke at the time, is on the run trying to make sure no-one is harmed by his alter ego, The Ghost Rider. He is approached by a Monk named Moreau who tells him that he can help be him free of the Rider, but first, he needs Johnny’s help to protect a boy, whom Roarke has plans for.

Rules:

  • Motorcycle trail of hellfire
  • “Rider”
  • “Johnny Blaze”
  • Turning into the Rider
  • Pissing Hellfire (two drinks)

Quotes:

  • “No, I get it. You’re the Devil’s baby mama.”
  • “The only thing standing between you and the Rider is me. He’s scraping at the door. SCRAPING AT THE DOOOOR!!!”
  • “You will tell me or I will eat your stinking soooouul!”

What we learned:

  • Clowns, Stalin, Groucho Marx and Jerry Springer are the Devil.
  • The farthest place from heaven? It’s in Turkey.
  • Politicians, murderers, people of influence = the Devil’s soldiers.
08
Jun
12

Transylmania

Viewing Date: 2/9/2012

Starring: No one.

Summary:

Moronic American student Rusty arranges a student exchange program for his closest friends and him to study in Romania for six months and meet his Internet girlfriend Draguta. He travels with potheads Pete and Wang, Pete’s girlfriend Lia and her twin sister Danni, the naive and romantic Newmar and his dippy girlfriend Lynne, the nerd Brady and his sexually confused roommate Mike, and crook Cliff. His friends actually intend to party. While traveling by train to Razvan they learn that five hundred years ago the vampire Radu lost his beloved Stephania, whose spirit was trapped in a music box. Ever since, Radu has kept Stephania’s body while seeking the music box to bring her back. One of Radu’s minions has recently retrieved the music box but, mortally wounded by the vampire slayer Teodora Van Sloan, drops the object in a gypsy’s basket. Newmar unwittingly buys the music box and gives it to Lynne..

Rules:

  • “Vampires”
  • Farting
  • “Razvan”
  • Americans being attacked by vampires.

Quotes:

“There’s no such thing as aliens you idiot- they’re vampires!”

08
Jun
12

Blubberella

Viewing Date: 2/16/2012

Starring: Clint Howard

Directed by: Uwe Boll

Summary:

It’s 1940 and the German army is oozing their ickiness across the European continent, indiscriminately slaughtering thousands. On the Eastern Front, a motley group of Resistance Fighters, led by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher) and “Vadge” (Willam Belli), struggle valiantly against the Nazi scourge. The German army, headed by the Commandant (Michael Paré), shadow puppet master, a mad, showtunes-singing Doctor (Clint Howard), and the newly-addicted-to-blood Lieutenant (Steffen Mennekes), threatens to eradicate the Resistance. But coming to the rescue is Blubberella. Half vampire, half woman, and all trouble, Blubberella loves nothing better than killing Nazis and a substantial turkey on rye. She has moved through the centuries destroying nasties and their like while perfecting the ultimate cotton candy recipe. Blubberella and the Commandant face each other in a rail car and after a unseemly exchange of bodily fluids…

Rules:

  • Anachronisms
  • Eating
  • Blackface character
  • Bodily fluids

Quotes:

“Daylight, eh?  Fuck my Donkey.”

“Smells like pubes and cheese in here.”

“Do you call that the German tampon?”

“Will you put a dick in her mouth so she shuts up already?”




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