Bad Movie Thursday

Viewing Date: 11/16/23

Starring: David Bradley, Steve James, Michele Chan

Plot

Jackson is back, and now he has a new partner, karate champion Sean, as they must face a deadly terrorist known as “The Cobra”, who has infected Sean with a virus. Sean and Jackson have no choice but to fight the Cobra and his bands of ninjas. (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Cobra”
• Canadian Tuxedos
• Each individual ninja (advanced rule), 2x for red ninjas
• Ninjas appearing
• Ninja flips
• Sciencey stuff

Quotes

“Well done ninjette baby.”

What We Learned

• Ninja healing magic is called kunochi
• Hensojutsu is the ninja art of impersonation- and its far better than any Hollywood professional could do. It also changes your voice!
• There is a ninja hierarchy, and it is determined by the color of your outfit. As far as we could tell, Black = warrior, Red = elite, Blue = security
• Ninjas yell to announce their presence; who needs stealth?

Final Take

I remember American Ninja movies being some sort of great thing back in the 80’s, well, they have not aged well. A middle of the road bad movie that had a lot of the pre-requites: bad acting, nonsense plot involving genetically engineered ninjas used for terrorism, or something… We had a ‘master of disguise’ bad ninja, turned good when she realized that the good guys are good and the bad guys are bad. Worth a watch, but not a recommendation. Rating 2 out of 5 ninja throwing stars.

Viewing Date: Nov 30, 2023

Starring: Ginger Lynn, Krystal Shay, Nina Lanee Kent

Plot: A bride-to-be is taken to a woodland cabin for a bachelorette party, but the fun stops when an uninvited party starts cutting down the guest list (via IMDB)

Rules

• “Brie”
• “Best Man” or “Maid of Honor”
• Stripper tattoos
• Bachelorette party tropes, cliches

Quotes

“Seduction and Sarchito work alone.

What We Learned

• Bacon maple bars are stripper fuel
• This movie sucks and you’re better off watching Greatest American Hero reruns

Final Take

Is this a brief entry? Yes, because this movie was especially awful and I was avoiding posting about it all together. You need a strong ability to suspend logic and disbelief with any movie viewing- especially bad movies, but when most characters are so unlikeable and how they interact doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, it makes it hard even for seasoned bad movie watchers like us (e.g. the engaged couple). And finally, the movie goes with the whole “was the whole thing a dream, or not?” conclusion at the end. Boo. This felt like someone who wanted to pull his stripper friends together to make a horror movie, but couldn’t even make it fun. Avoid.

Date Watched: 10/26/23

Starring: Pamela Springsteen, Renee Estevez

Plot: Angela, supposedly reformed and living under an assumed surname, is working at a summer camp. However, when the campers start misbehaving, she soon reverts to her old ways.

Rules:

• Epic Mullets (Viewer Discretion)
• Explicit scenes
• Angela kills
• “Fornicating” or fornicating

Quotes:

• “Hey Emilio, party hats at 2:00!” (In reference to a girl in a wet t-shirt)
• “Sorry, once I start a task, I always finish.”
• “Uncle John makes me counselor of the week just 4 days ago, now he fires me?”
• “Speak of the devil…Look who’s on tv!”
• “Ain’t no skin off my tits.”

Viewer Quotes

• “That’s going to be hard to get out of the fabric. Why do that in the car?”
• “What is she, testing objects to kill with?”
• “A screaming mullet is worth two in the bush.”

Things We Learned:

• Keep your morals strong and you’ll never go wrong.
• You can easily kill people with a cup of battery acid or a stick.

Final Take:

It was fine.

Date Watched: 9/14/23

Starring: Robert North, Deke Slade

Plot: Somewhere in New Jersey, a killer lawnmower stalks a small town’s golf course. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Lawnmower Vision
• “Roy Kent”
• “Deke Slade”
• Roy Kent Drinking

Quotes:

• “Simpkin – Appendages Assorted”
• “With a swift and successful completion of the maniac hunt here at Tall Grass…”
• “I guess I woke up one morning and realized I was dropping little white balls in little green holes.”
• “I was always good at drinking. I just got better at it then my iron game.”
• “Well alright, miss. You bring a handkerchief to wave bye-bye to us.”

Viewer Quotes

• “Lots of character building for a killer lawnmower story.” – “That’s why it’s an hour and forty minutes.”

Things We Learned:

• Golf courses sell drinks with golf balls in them.
• Golf pros are responsible for all crimes that happen on their golf courses.

Final Take:

This was a strange one. It felt like the movie couldn’t decide whether it was a spoof or not. At times it was a straight up rip-off of Jaws, which I think was the intent. But then it would get way too serious about itself and ruin all the good-will it had built up. If you take it as a spoof then you may like it, but it will require you looking past about 45 minutes of too much character exposition.

Viewing Date: 8/17/23

Starring: Tara Reid (well, she’s in in for a minute or two), Sadie Katz, Jillian Newton

Plot: When a party bus on its way to Burning Man filled with a bunch of sexy young adults breaks down in the desert and in the middle of a group of Satanic worshippers, all hell literally breaks loose. A massacre leaves seven survivors trapped on the bus, fighting for their lives while wondering if someone or someones are not what they seem. (via IMDB)

Rules

• Bad CGI
• Pointless nudity (but is this an oxymoron?)
• References or quotes from other movies
• Weird dancing and chanting; Burning man ‘experience’ scenes

Quotes

• “There’s no such thing as gratuitous female nudity- it’s all in your mind.”
• “She’s dead. A side effect of being murdered.”
• “IT’S A GLORIOUS DAY!”
• “No one appreciates the c-word.”
• “My one good eyeee!!!”

Viewer Quotes

• “Well, if they end up getting married, they would have a great story to tell their kids.”

What We Learned

• There’s no such thing as gratuitous female nudity
• There are desert nomads (and cannibalistic Satan worshippers) outside of Las Vegas
• Satanists are sparkler enthusists
• Somehow, Tara Reid is a draw to include in a movie

Final Take

This was an interesting watch. Gratuitous in every sense of the word. An abundance of nudity, decapitation’s, blood & gore (although not realistic or well done). We do have to give it credit that there actually were a few clever, laugh out loud moments in the movie. As expected, the Tara Reid ‘cameo’ seemed like a complete after thought thrown in because someone’s uncle knew her agent or something. Terrible movie, but that’s what we’re all about- at least you won’t be bored.

Date Watched: 7/13/23

Starring: Billy Dee Williams, Maxwell Caulfield, Tracy Scoggins

Plot: Space traveling convicts become the victims of their own fantasies when virtual reality is made to go wrong. (From IMDB)

Rules:

• Shots of the ship in space (looks dumb)
• Mentioning “Mancuso”
• The virtual alien intruder Ariel shows up (Tracy Scoggins)
• Mentioning “G Sector”

Quotes:

• “Ain’t that like walking into a whorehouse with the lights out?”
• “How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? None! Fuck you!”

Viewer Quotes:

• None – slow movie

Things We Learned:

• Everything’s gone to hell by 2022.
• Computers don’t lie.
• Virtual Reality is a weekend thing in space.
• Interstellar travel takes minimal non-specialized crew.
• Don’t trust Lando!

Final Take:

This was a weird “arthouse” movie, trying to be something greater than the sum of its parts. It didn’t really work, and it wasn’t all that interesting or fun to watch either. It was hard to follow, the weird virtual reality vignettes were strange, nonsensical, and didn’t contribute to the plot. It was an entirely forgettable movie.

Viewing Date: 6/29/23

Starring: Carmen Electra, Kyle Gass, Jason Mewes

Plot: The young Nina really just wants to celebrate her 19th birthday, but instead of party without end she is confronted with a terrible fate: She finds out that she is the descendant of the Byzantine ruler Justinian. The problem with this is the fact that the old Roman Fiesling has given his later descendant a cruel curse that will wipe out all humanity.

Rules

• “Book of Fire” (just restating the house rule)
• Cameos
• Pitcher drinking
• Fire or blood coming out of appliances
• Walking through smoke
• Otherworldly music (subtitles required)

Quotes

• “There’s only 3 holes, what’ll I do?”

What We Learned

• Justice came from the emperor Justinian, before he became evil.
• Justinian was the father of the Black Plague
• The Black Plague came from the Book of Fire
• Special effects wizards can’t make good movies

Final Take

What do you get when a talented special effects artist thinks they can do everything else required to make a movie? This pile of garbage- but at least the effects are good!