Dracula 3000

Date Watched:



In the year 3000, the deep space salvage ship Mother III locates the vanished starship Demeter in the Carpathian System. Captain Abraham Van Helsing and his crew composed of the blonde assistant Aurora Ash; the crippled navigator Arthur “The Professor” Holmwood, who believes that he is a genius; the strong and dumb Humvee; the intern Mina Murry; and the drug addicted 187, decide to claim the possession of Demeter. While exploring the spacecraft, they see a tape of fifty years ago of Captain Varna telling that he was locked in his cabin since his crew was acting weird after getting a cargo of coffins in Transylvania station. When 187 decides to search in the coffins for some possible hidden dope, he cuts his hand and his blood awakes Count Orlock, a.k.a. Count Dracula. When Aurora discloses who Dracula is, the survivors try to find a way to destroy the vampire. (From IMDB)




Casper Van Diem

Erika Eleniak


Tiny Lister


Every time Dr.’s video log comes on.

Coolio says dude.

Every time someone runs down a hallway.

They say Orlock.


“She’s still the same little shameless ho she’s always been.”

“Hang 10 Dude!”

“Oh, a metal plus sign, this dude was into mathematics.  (About a cross.)”

“Your ass has never been hungry, and we aint gonna pass up this amount of cheese.”

“Sands aint worth nuthin!”

“Did I ever tell you how many times I’ve seen you and want to ejaculate all over your bazangas?”

Viewer Quotes:

“You know it’s a crappy movie when it’s an hour and 20 minute movie and it has a 5 minute intro.”

“Is this supposed to be a spaceship, because it’s obviously an oil refinery.”

“What’s the scientific explanation for sand becoming a vampire?”

“This guy’s had his platonic friend activator going his whole life.”

Not movie related discussion after the movie:  “Isn’t David Bowie’s alter ego Captain Glitter-Face?” Response:  “You mean Ziggy Star Dust?”

Things we learned:

Scuba gear doubles as a space suit.

Surfing is big in space – at least by a stoned Coolio.

Dope wasn’t legalized until the year 2950.

Normal bullets being shot in the future sound like lazers.

In the future they tell time using moon cycles.

We are now going to call silent farts “Orlocks”.

Robots are programmed to look like aging starlets.

The best things to use to kill vampires are pool cues.

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November 2012


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