Bad Movie Thursday

Starring: The Hoff (nuff said)

Plot

A trio of hapless bounty hunters are recruited by a shady bail bondsman to try to keep a witness in drug trial alive to testify.

Rules

• Stereotypes
• Hasselhoff wears a headband, leather jacket, or leather pants
• Hasselhoff swears (x3), anyone else swears (x1)
• Editing mistakes (keep on your toes!)
• Every time someone says “white bread.”
• Hoff sings

Quotes

• “These guys drive worse than orientals.”
• “Another shit from the Hoff.”
• “There’s a time for shootin’ and a time for talkin’.”
• “Flat like a fucking tortilla!”
• “Ann Job?  You mean Hand Job?”

The Final Word

This is an action movie starring the Hoff, so there’s not much of a reason you shouldn’t watch it.  I’m pretty sure there’s singing, although it’s hard to remember because this is another backfill from a few years back.  I don’t remember much of it, although I think I could stomach watching it again.  It’s got to be good.

Starring: Burt Reynolds and some kid who never made another movie.

Plot

Devon Butler is an eight-year old who dreams of being a cop. He watches police TV shows, knows police procedures, and plays cops and robbers with his friend Ray. One day, while snooping around in a warehouse, he witnesses a murder. He goes to the police, who want the information, but won’t get it until they make Devon a cop. The police then team him with veteran cop (and child hater) Nick McKenna, and the two team up in comic series of events to find the killer.

Rules

• Someone gets hit in the groin
• Wipe transition between scenes
• Bullies
• “Quid Pro Quo”
• See or hear cop
• “Getting too old for this.”
• Twinky-cam

Quotes

• “He’s been dunking for turds.”
• “Can’t have any fun with a kid.  You take him to a bar, he has one drink and falls off the stool.”
• “Do you want to play swords?”

The Final Word

Another backfill.  I barely remember anything from this movie.  It was definitely not one of the BMT classics.  Probably the most notable thing about it is that the kid basically never made another movie, so chalk that up to Burt Reynolds ruining another person’s movie career.  Way to go Burt.  I think you can get everything you need to know from the movie poster.  Burt Reynolds and a child actor team up, unwatchable shenanigans ensue.

Starring: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins, some pirates.

Plot:

A parody/homage to Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance, The Pirate Movie is a comedy/musical utilizing both new songs and parodies from the original, as well as references to popular films of the time, including Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. In your typical boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy fights girl with swords plot, the story revolves around Mabel, the youngest of Maj. Gen. Stanley’s many daughters, and Frederic, an ex-Pirate of Penzance. They fall in love and proceed to retrieve the Stanley’s fortune from the Pirates (stolen 20 years ago). The Pirate King informs Frederic that due to him being born on Feb. 29th (during a leap year), Frederic is still technically the King’s apprentice. Frederic must then decide between duty and honor, the only good qualities the King taught him, and true love.

Rules:

• Sword fights
• Songs
• Fast Motion

Quotes:

• “I told you chinese, but this is ridiculous!”
• “Mabel, your goosebumps have grown!” <boobs>
• <singing> “Pumpin’, and blowin'”

The Final Word

This is another backfill of a movie we watched a few years back.  It’s a spoof of comedy/musical The Pirates of Penzance.  I saw that play and thought it was pretty bad, so now imagine a parody of a bad musical and you’ll start to understand what you’re in for.  We only came up with three rules for it, which is an indication of how engaging it was.  Pretty boring, and pretty hard to get through.  Enjoy.