Archive Page 2

03
Jan
25

Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,
http://www.allwallpapersfree.org

Viewing Date: 1/2/2025

Starring: Andrew Bowser (from Youtube?)

Plot

Fledgling occultist Onyx and a group of worshipers attend a once-in-a-lifetime ritual at their idol BARTOK THE GREAT’S mansion.(via IMDB)

Rules

  • “Onyx”
  • Getting bullied
  • Onyx goes into his lunchbox
  • “Abbadon”

Quotes

  • “Mama always said… too mooch juice and the beast gets loose.”
  • “I’ll stick to my tiny wines.”
  • “I’m just a fat fucking fat fucking virgin.”
  • “Oh well, I dreamt I didn’t fuck anybody last night, so I guess we all had pretty fortuitous dreams.”
  • “What does it say about the virgin? That he has the power to cradle his flacid wee wee in his hands and cry for hours on end?”
  • “Sorry, when I get nervous I start singing Fievel.”
  • “Who’s to say what any of us are in this twisted palace built of riddle and rhyme?”

Viewer Quotes

  • “The picture is him pregnant with women around him barfing?”

What We Learned

  • Michael Bay directed Meatloaf’s video “I would do anything for love”.
  • ALF’s real name was Gordon Shumway.
  • Shit quick else be deemed unworthy.

Final Take

Not bad. Not bad at all. I didn’t have any exposure or foreknowledge of this Onyx character, which I guess might have gotten started as a series of viral videos on Youtube. Even without that, this was pretty entertaining. The Onyx character was just as realized as someone like Earnest or Pee Wee Herman. I think there could be a whole series of them. The supporting characters were good and the drinking rules paid off in spades, especially “Abbadon”. It’s definitely a full recommendation from us here at BMT.

19
Dec
24

Black Friday (2021)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Bad CGI, Bad Movies, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Knock-Offs, Mutants, Rules, Washed up actors and Well known actors slumming it
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Date Watched: 12/19/24

Starring: Devon Sawa (aka guy from Final Destination and Idle Hands but older now), Michael Jai White, Bruce Campbell, Ivana Baquero, Seth Green’s voice

Plot:

A group of toy store employees must protect each other from a horde of parasite infected shoppers.  (From IMDb)

Rules:

  • Jump scares
  • Say “Toys”
  • Say “Green Friday”

Quotes:

  • “Bathroom… I’m parking a Buick man.”
  • “No one gives a flying f$ck about your training or plaques Anita.”
  • “You park that Buick?”
  • “That’s some dark sh$t man.”
  • “My ears hurt from listening to Air Supply 50,000 times.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Didn’t that actor have a moment in Final Destination and Idle Hands?”
  • “Anita gets it (aka dies), and I couldn’t be happier.”
  • “I like Ruth.”

Things We Learned:

  • Washing your hands at work in a toy store is cause to be fired.
  • There’s always enough time to have one more beer.

Final Take:

Likable cast, decent, not super memorable. This one definitely isn’t a classic BMT, and I had to watch the trailer again on IMDB to even remember it. I think we enjoyed it for what it was, which is a bad holiday movie. I think they needed to add a bit more humor. I don’t have many quotes captured, and I don’t think I missed a lot. Bruce Campbell was good in a side role.

Fun Facts: This movie was based on a discarded 1994 Power Rangers script. Also, Seth Green randomly appears as a voice in this movie. He previously costarred with Devon Sawa in Idle Hands.

05
Dec
24

Double Team (1997)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Assassins, Washed up actors and Well known actors slumming it

Viewing Date: 12/5/24

Starring: JCVD, Dennis Rodman, Mickey Rourke

Rules

  • JCVD doing the splits
  • Basketball references / puns
  • Dennis Rodman’s hair color changes
  • “Stavros”
  • When the Omega watch gives instructions
  • Jumping from an explosion

Quotes

  • “You’ll be the baddest boy on the block.”
  • “Time to get off the bench. Time to play offense!”
  • “Oops- air ball!”

What We Learned

  • A bathtub, door jamb and a bucket of rocks are all you need for a killer workout
  • A plastic bag is somehow a deadly weapon under water
  • There are a band of cybermonks in Rome that have been doing research for 500 years
  • Don’t use your son as a human shield and then be mad about it when he gets killed

Final Take

Some great action sequences with JCVD and interesting concepts about counter-intelligence and the ‘deep state’, but otherwise a silly plot, bad acting and a lot of mediocrity.

Double Team did capture some of the magic from JCVD’s glory days- the recovery training / escape plan montage in the Colony was a highlight, but otherwise nothing outstanding. The action scenes were especially long with lots of explosions and jumping / diving. There is a particularly odd sequence at the beginning of the movie where Jack Quinn (JCVD) and Stavros (Rourke) and battling it out in the Newborn Unit of a hospital. Not sure if the director thought that that would really raise the stakes of the battle (no adults / personnel / security / police to be found anywhere, just babies), but it was mostly just uncomfortable to watch.

It also felt like there was some kind of back story missing between JCVD and Rourke’s characters. Everything seemed to be personal, but not really explained, other than the involvement of Rourke’s family and their subsequent killing in the beginning of the movie (although Rourke seemed to know it was a trap).

As expected, Rodman is just a sidekick inserted for comic relief. His character is an international arms dealer that only cares for himself, but quickly reveals his heart of gold.

Standard Bad Movie Thursday fare here- you could certainly do worse when looking at the “late career” offerings from JCVD, Seagal, Dolph Lundgren, etc.

22
Nov
24

Birdemic 3: Sea Eagle

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,
http://www.allwallpapersfree.org

Viewing Date: 11/21/24

Starring: Ryan Lord, Julia Culbert, Marc DeNola

Plot

A flock of sea eagles attack the coastal town of Santa Cruz, California. Why did the birds attack? Who will survive? (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Bird Attack
  • “Sea Eagle” (movie title)
  • Scenes that go on too long.
  • Environmental Preachiness
  • The guy and girl walking together

Quotes

  • “I’m looking for a three-bedroom house surrounded by trees. Preferably in a forest.”
  • “Well, I think we need to fix Global Warming.”
  • “Let’s take their guns and defend ourselves from those crazy birds.”
  • “Yes, we have to accept our fate. It is death.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “This is so much padding for an 83 minute movie.”
  • “Are you sure this movie is about bird attacks and not just climate change?”
  • “Why is this guy talking about Rejuvenate and the 9 mechanisms of aging again?”
  • “My God, where are the birds?”
  • “Stay in your lane, Birdemic.”
  • “Hey mister – can you please sing to us as we dance in this empty room?”
  • “Just when you think a scene can’t go any longer, it does. And just when it can’t get any more awkward, it gets so awkward you can barely stand it.”
  • “We’re three quarters of the way into this movie, no crazy birds yet.”
  • “This is another awesome diatribe on climate change.”

What We Learned

  • The normal weather patterns are changing rapidly. (Learned from a nature documentary that is played in the movie for no reason)
  • Don’t leave your car running and go dancing off into the woods.
  • Eagles are really good at cutting people’s throats as they fly by. They never miss.

Final Take

This movie did not have any crazy bird sightings until literally 60 minutes into an 83 minute movie. That is all you need to know. The entire first hour was filled with nothing but inane diatribes on climate change. It was just one scene after another of weird, contrived scenes where the leads encounter new people that just immediately start ranting about climate change. On top of that, there would be probably the most uncomfortable scenes ever put on camera, and they would stretch on so long it was like a psychological study in human capacity to withstand awkwardness. If that sounds like your bag, you can think about watching it. I wouldn’t, though. Not ever again.

24
Oct
24

Night of the Demons (1988)

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Categories: Bad Movies, Cult Classic, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Nudity and Rules
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Date Watched: 10/24/24

Starring: People from low budget horror movies

Plot:

Ten teenagers party at an abandoned funeral parlor on Halloween night. When an evil force awakens, demonic spirits keep them from leaving and turn their gathering into a living Hell. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Saying “Halloween” or “Trick or Treat”
  • Trendy 80’s things
  • Say “Creep” or “Creepy”

Quotes:

  • “Happy Halloween asshole!”
  • “Wow, bodacious boobs sis.”
  • “Do you guys have sour balls?… Too bad, I bet you don’t get many bjs.”
  • Q: “Do you guys want one?” A: “Ma, they look like sun dried poodle turds.”
  • “Captain dingleberry the flaming asshole of Transylvania.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Was that a Rainbow Bright costume?”
  • “Who is the star of this movie?  I hate all of these people.”

Things We Learned:

  • The noise, the stink, and the chill means that there’s a demon afoot.
  • You can eat a bunch of razor blades and not realize it until they’re in your throat.
  • Lipstick can be shoved into an unnatural spot.

Final Take:

Apparently, this movie has a cult following, and there were two sequels and a remake (with Shannon Elizabeth and Edward Furlong?!). I can see why. It’s cheesy 80’s trash, but there’s enough weirdness and humor here that adds a certain level of charm. Also, most movies of this pedigree I immediately forget about by the next day, but this one has a number of memorable moments.

There’s an infamous lipstick scene that even in 2024 is a bit of a shock to see. A fun fact is that when the actress went in to get the prosthetics done for it, she met the special effects artist, and they later married. Definitely a unique way to meet and adds some context to that scene.

For lovers of B Movie 80’s horror, I’d recommend it.

03
Oct
24

The Phantom Empire (1987)

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Categories: Amazon women, Mutants, Nudity and Uncategorized

Viewing Date: 10/3/24

Starring: Ross Hagen, Jeffry Combs, Dawn Wildsmith

Plot: When a man-eating cave creature appears with a fortune in uncut diamonds around his neck, Dr. Chambers’ daughter Denae hires adventurers C & C Salvage to find the underground source of the gems. Accompanied by archeaological intern Andrew Paris, mineralogist Prof. Strock, and C&C’s scruffy owners Cort Eastman and Eddy Colchilde, Denea’s hopes of emerging from her famous father’s shadow become as remote as getting out of the caves alive! (via IMDB)

Rules

  • “R’lyeh”
  • Eddy is drinking, drunk or hungover
  • Eddy tips her hat or scratches her face with a gun
  • Terrible dinosaur scenes (stock footage)

Quotes

  • (viewer) “There are definitely swords in this.”
  • (viewer) “Is that a chemistry set?” “Yes- he’s making meth.” “Did they have meth in 1984?”
  • “What’s a matter? I’m trying to be your friend you piece of shit?”
  • “Come on. Move ass!”
  • (viewer) “I think she wants the shoo-shoo.”
  • (viewer) “Never look a gift cave girl in the mouth.”

What We Learned

  • You can plan a dangerous, underground expedition into monster-filled caverns in about an hour (that includes getting equipment
  • A decapitation by a monster (with eye witness) doesn’t really require any sort of investigation- but it does mean there is treasure!
  • As a treasure hunter, you must limit the number of people in your party
  • A small can of sterno can keep an expedition party warm all night
  • High iron content in caves affects batteries.

The Final Take

Hilariously bad, campy 80’s movie. Land of the Lost meets a space dominatrix meets a terrible script. Enjoy!

13
Sep
24

Conquest

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
http://www.allwallpapersfree.org

Viewing Date: 9/12/24

Starring: Nobody you’ll have ever heard of

Plot

A young man, armed with a magical bow and arrows, embarks on a mystical journey through a mystical land to rid it of all evil and joins forces with an outlaw to take down an evil witch bent on claiming the magic bow for evil. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • The bow
  • Surreal Music
  • Stuff on the camera lens
  • “Ocron”

Quotes

  • “Is that the your woman?” “She is. Every time I pass through I take her, but you can have her too, if you’d like.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “What the hell?”
  • “That took me to a whole different place than I was expecting.”
  • “Jesus, what are we in for?”
  • “Is that a vision, or did that actually happen? Some kind of drug-induced laser bow.”
  • “Does this guy have a penis drawn on his forehead?”
  • “Was that guy they just killed even a bad guy? Are you just randomly killing peasant dudes?”
  • “Don’t bring an axe to a bow fight.”
  • “In a land of knives, the man with the bow is king.”
  • “Quit showing these pustules bursting!”
  • “The splitter gun from contra!”
  • “These dolphins are going to have to give him mouth-to-hole.”

What We Learned

  • Something about bows and arrows, I think. There’s something there.
  • Women in mystical lands don’t wear any tops.
  • Zombies can plan an ambush trap together.

Final Take

That was a crazy trip. It was obviously some weirdo’s artistic vision to make this film, but it was pretty hard to make sense of what was happening, not to mention the overall plot. That said, there were some really over-the-top sequences so surprising that I was basically laughing with indignation at everything. It was a pretty rare experience, and as long as you’re in the right mood you can probably get some enjoyment out of it.

11
Jul
24

Dark Angel aka I Come in Peace (1990)

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Categories: Aliens, Bad Movies, Cult Classic, God Awful, Gory, Gratuitous Violence, Rules and Well known actors slumming it
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Date Watched: 7/11/24

Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Brian Benben

Plot:

Jack Caine (Dolph Lundgren) is a Houston vice cop who’s forgotten the rule book. His self-appointed mission is to stop the illegal drugs trade and its number one supplier Victor Manning. Whilst involved in an undercover operation to entrap Manning, his partner gets killed, and a sinister newcomer enters the scene. Along with F.B.I. agent Lawrence Smith, the two investigate a spate of mysterious deaths; normal non-junkies dying of massive heroin overdoses and bearing the same horrific puncture marks on the forehead. This, coupled with Caine’s own evidence, indicates an alien force is present on the streets of Houston, killing and gathering stocks of a rare drug found only in the brain. Caine is used to fighting the toughest of criminals, but up to now they’ve all been human. (From IMDB)

Rules:

  • Says “I come in peace”
  • Christmas stuff
  • Dolph Lundgren counting
  • Anytime one cop is at odds with the other because one is by the book and the other is a loose cannon
  • Dolph Lundgren promises things or people talk about his promises

Quotes:                                                                                                    

  • Q: “What university did you attend?”… A: “The university of suck my d$ck.”

Viewer Quotes:

  • “Ron Fury, John Turtle, Jan Hammer… There’s a lot of fantastic names in this.”

Things We Learned:

  • A duck and roll is the best way to enter any building.
  • Dolph Lundgren never breaks a promise.
  • The best way to stop a CD that kills people is a speaker.

Final Take:

There’s a lot to like here from Dolph Lundgren to Brian Benben (from the TV Show “Dream On”). The movie’s setup with a drug dealing alien is ridiculously silly, as is his spinning CD that kills people. The movie is sometimes called “Dark Angel”, but in the U.S. it was named “I Come In Peace”. It should really be known as the latter, because it sets up one of the best final kill lines I’ve ever heard. (e.g., “Let off some steam” from Commando.)

13
Jun
24

Out For A Kill (2003)

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Ninjas and Seagal

Viewing Date: 6/13/24

Starring: Steven Seagal, Michelle Goh, Corey Johnson

Plot

An unsuspecting university professor is an unwitting accomplice in a foiled Chinese cocaine deal. Wrongly imprisoned, he escapes to take his revenge and prove his innocence. (via IMDB)

Rules

  • Slow motion for no reason
  • Sunglasses inside
  • Bullet vision
  • Red text
  • Crime Lord Smoking Den
  • Steven Seagal being insufferable (careful with this one)

Quotes

  • Viewer quote: (house blows up, kills wife) “Now he’s really out for a kill.”
  • “We will kill your dog, we will kill you, then we will kill your wife.”

What We Learned

  • DEA officers can travel all over the world pursing a case that they’re not even sure what it is.
  • We already knew it, but this just reinforces that Seagal is incapable of putting any effort into acting (or doing anything besides a revenge movie).
  • If you are in a secret crime cabal, don’t use Chinese tattoos as a code that Seagal can easily decipher.
  • If your character marries / cares for Steven Seagal, you’re going to die- because revenge.

Final Take

Meh. We knew what we were getting. Seagal stars as the genius professor with the mysterious past (basically the most dangerous killer the world has ever known) and of course he is revered as some sort of Chinese / Asian icon. The criminals decide to mess with him and he kills them all with very little effort. Again, we knew what we were getting with a Segal movie, and there were some entertaining moments and action sequences. Still not sure what was happening with the assassin that could crawl around on the ceiling and walls… Only recommended if you like all things Seagal.

31
May
24

Crime Zone

By badmoviethursday Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
http://www.allwallpapersfree.org

Viewing Date: 05/30/24

Starring: David Carradine, Sherilyn Fenn

Plot

Helen and Bone live in a repressive futuristic dystopian society they badly want to escape from. Mysterious Jason hires them to steal a disc for him. It’s practically a suicide mission, but he claims he can smuggle them out, in return.

Rules

  • “Bone”
  • Silly “futuristic” stuff that’s not at all futuristic.
  • “Frodan”
  • “Fuckups”

Quotes

  • “I bet you’re still horny, subgrade. Show me your dick! … Is that your normal size? Not bad.”
  • “My blazing balls.”
  • “Plague zone isn’t contagious, Bone. Ask any whore.”
  • “My only regret is that in my role as prosecutor, I’m not also allowed to act as executioner.”

Viewer Quotes

  • “There are no holes in that pool table. And no cue ball. How are you supposed to play that?”

What We Learned

  • Plague zone isn’t contagious.
  • Frodan is a lie and nobody can pronounce it.

Final Take

This movie was trying to be too smart for its own good. It should have leaned more into the ridiculous premise and silly futuristic vibe, but it took itself too seriously and suffered for it. In the end it will only be remembered for a few stupid quotes and the names Helen and Bone which were repeated probably 1000 times. I can’t say I recommend it.

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